I've been out of the blogging game for a few days, thanks to working a new retail job 9 hours a day. But here we are, with chapter 6, and good news! The "baby" count is back with a vengeance. This is the longest chapter so far, clocking in at 53 horrific pages (EL James, your editor has failed you and the world a million times over), and it includes our first sex scene. I'm not sure that I had fully prepared myself for what this book was going to bring into my life, but I must persevere. And then take a very long shower.
Our story begins in Christian's bedroom. It's about 2 hours after we left them, and Ana is still in her alcohol-induced coma in Christian's bed. Christian is extremely uncomfortable sleeping next to another person (WHAT IF SHE TOUCHES ME OHHHHMYGOD), but bites the bullet because it means he gets to do this:
"For seconds, minutes, hours, I don't know, I watch her. And while she sleeps, I survey every beautiful inch of her lovely face. Her dark lashes fluttering while she sleeps (DO I NEED TO PUT THE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR GIF AGAIN I THINK I DO)
(thank you for indulging me, back to Christian), her lips slightly parted so I glimpse her even white teeth. She mutters something unintelligible and her tongue darts out and licks her lips. It's arousing, very arousing."
Men getting aroused by unconscious women. Hot.
Discomfort aside, has anyone ever actually witnessed someone sleeping and seen their tongue "dart" out of their mouth? She's not a lizard, she's a sleeping person.
I'm introducing a new game with this post, regarding Christian's sentient genitalia. Much like Ana's inner goddess, Christian's dick seems have its own mind, and apparently deserves its own narration - though I'll warn you now, it doesn't usually make any sense.
"I have never slept with a woman. I've fuck many, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees."
Sure, Christian. Sure. Blame your dick instead of acknowledging that it's only responding to your thoughts. Classic Christian.
Once he gets his dick in line, he brings a glass of orange juice into his room so that she'll be greeted by room temperature citrus when she wakes up. *romance*
"She's still asleep when I enter, her hair a riot of mahogany spread across her pillow, and the covers have slipped below her waist. Her T-shirt has ridden up, exposing her belly and her navel. The sight stirs my body once more."
"With one last lingering look at Anastasia Steele - the first woman I've ever slept with - I head out for my run."
Christian gets back from his run and Ana is awake, and understandably concerned.
"She pales as I saunter into the room.
Keep it casual, Grey. You don't want to be charged with kidnapping."
Christian scolds Ana for getting so drunk, as we all knew he would, and then a couple things happen. The first is pretty standard "wow are you actually saying this to a person you don't know?", however the second, I genuinely do not have words for.
"'Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.'" -- okay, this is weird, but pretty much what we've come to expect.
"An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by judicious use of a belt or strap. Yeah... That would teach her not to be so irresponsible. The thought is hugely arousing."
Go ahead. Read that again. I'll wait.
I have so many questions. Is the ginger root a metaphor? Like does it mean something? He literally has AN ENTIRE ROOM of things that are safe to insert into various bodily cavities but he chooses this?????
ALSO have you ever tried to peel ginger? Would he make her peel her own ginger the same way some people are forced to dig their own graves? And why would you just waste ginger like that? I really can't get past this. I'm so concerned. Has he done this to other women with other roots or vegetables?
Okay. I have to move on otherwise we'll be here forever and I'll just spiral further into my distress over the ginger root.
Wait, one more thing. Someone told EL James that "ginger root" is one word, and I don't know why.
After they've both had a shower and are sitting down for breakfast, talk quickly turns to their relationship and Edward's - er, Christian's - inability to stay away from Ana. See what I did there? Ha.
"I don't do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me. There's something about you, though, and I'm finding it impossible to stay away." -- translation: try to stay away from me all you want but I'll always find you. .*romance*
She decides to get a little tough about it, challenging his warning, with a very succinct (and wayyyy too effective) "Enlighten me, then." "Her words travel straight to my cock." -- I feel like this just happened in the last chapter. I very distinctly remember being under the impression that Christian's dick has ears.
Eventually Ana has to go home - you know, because she has a job and stuff - and Christian decides to drive her there. In the elevator, things heat up as Christian discards his non-disclosure agreement requirement ("Oh, fuck the paperwork.") and, in his words, "jumps her." This encounter is over as quickly as it began and soon they're in the car, Ana marveling at the fact that Christian enjoys classical music.
When he drops Ana off, he also picks Elliot up, as he spent the night with Kate. The two of them go hiking again and as Elliot is talking, Christian is thinking about Ana.
"I picture her sleeping beside me, soft and small . . . and my cock twitches with expectation. I could have woken her and fucked her then - what a novelty that would have been.
I'll fuck her in time.
I'll fuck her bound and with her smart mouth gagged."
Please stop.
He finally picks Ana up from work so he can show her his "lifestyle" - I'm not even going to comment on the fact that he was waiting outside her job for hours. They are driven to a helipad, from which Christian will fly them to Seattle. After remarking that she cannot escape (creepy), he tells her that he quite likes the harness she's in.
"I want to tell her I have others, in leather, in which I'd like to see her trussed and suspended from the ceiling." -- this guy has no chill whatsoever.
Ana is feeling dubious about being in a helicopter piloted by a guy she barely knows, but Christian is very reassuring.
"'You're safe with me,' I reassure her (see?), and add, 'Well, while we're flying.'" -- finally, an accurate portrayal of their relationship.
They arrive at Christian's building, and EL can't help but throw in more uncomfortable genital references.
"'Looks good, doesn't it?' I ask, so that she'll turn and I can see her face. She does, with a huge cock-tightening grin." -- really? reeeeeally?? rEEEEAAAALLLYYYYYYY?
Once inside, the negotiations begin. Christian shows Ana his playroom, she is uncomfortable. He shows her the rules, she is uncomfortable. He asks her what she hasn't liked when she's had sex in the past and.... she's a virgin????
This next bit is gonna be kind of a long excerpt from the book, but I feel like to not include it in its entirety would be doing the ridiculousness of it a disservice.
"'Well, I've not had sex before, so I don't know,' she whispers.
The earth stops spinning.
I don't fucking believe it.
How?
Why?
Fuck!
'Never?' I'm incredulous.
She shakes her head, eyes wide.
'You're a virgin?' I don't believe it.
She nods, embarrassed. I close my eyes. I can't look at her.
How the hell did I get this so wrong?
Anger lances through me. What can I do with a virgin? I glare at her as fury surges through my body.
'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?' I growl, and start pacing my study. What do I want with a virgin? She shrugs apologetically, at a loss for words.
'I don't understand why you didn't tell me.' The exasperation is clear in my voice.
'The subject never came up,' she says. 'I'm not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to everyone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.'
....
A startling thought occurs to me - our one kiss in the elevator, where I could have fucked her there and then - was that her first kiss?
'Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?' Please say yes.
'Of course I have.' She looks offended. Yeah, she's been kissed, but not often. And for some reason the thought is . . . pleasing.
'And a nice young man hasn't swept you off your feet? I just don't understand. You're twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You're beautiful.' Why hasn't some guy taken her to bed?
Shit, maybe she's religious."
His panicking continues for another full page, constantly berating her because HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE THE SEX OHMYGOD, before finally deciding that he's going to take one for the team and rectify the situation - break her in, as he says. Ugh.
So here we are. The first sex scene of the book. Everything progresses in a fairly standard way, with awkward and clumsy dialogue sprinkled in (for comedic effect, I assume).
"Oh, Ana. You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want to kiss every single inch of it."
"Mmm, I like brunettes."
"You're very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can't wait to be inside you." -- weird???
"I'm going to make you come like a freight train, baby."
"Don't worry. You expand too." -- literally the least sexy thing you could say to someone in this moment.
"Between each thrust I utter one word. 'You. Are. So. Sweet. I. Want. You. So. Much. You. Are. Mine.'" -- I feel like this is incredibly unnecessary, but hey. Do you. Also, I think it's worth mentioning that he also said "You. Are. So. Sweet." during the incident in the elevator, just 20 pages earlier. Maybe EL thought no one would notice.
EL's sex scenes read like any erotic fanfiction anywhere on the internet. Bizarre dialogue excepted, the entire endeavor doesn't really translate as pleasurable, so much as routine. But, the chapter ends with each of our protagonists having violent orgasms, so I guess the weird dirty talk worked.
Chapter 6 "baby" count: 20
Total "baby" count: 29
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