This is a trigger warning for emotional abuse/gaslighting/rape inferences.
I apologize for my prolonged absence. I've been working and, quite frankly, haven't been able to find it within myself to open this book once in the last 5 days. There will be another long pause for posts after this, potentially as long as a week, depending on how things go. But, we're here now. So let's get started.
When we last saw Christian, he was about to have some kind of breakdown because Ana sent him an email stating "I'm not sure I like you anyway, especially at the moment."
The chapter begins with his response email, asking why she doesn't like him. Ana gives an incredible answer, that literally every single person except Christian saw coming: "Because you never stay with me." Cue shock. Cue awe.
"Six words.
Six little words that make my scalp tingle.
I told her I didn't sleep with anyone.
But today was a big day.
She graduated from college.
She said yes.
We went through all of those soft limits that she knew nothing about. We fucked. I spanked her. We fucked again." -- It's true. Ana has had a very trying day.
So, Christian being the good guy that he is (or something), drops everything and hauls ass to Ana's place. He's there in 23 minutes and Kate answers the door.
"'What the fuck do you think you're doing here?' she shouts, her eyes blazing with anger.
Whoa. Not the reception I was expecting." -- really? are you sure? because if Ana is upset and the reason is you and Kate is her best friend, this is EXACTLY the reception you should have been expecting.
"I open Ana's door and switch on the main light. She's huddled in her bed, wrapped in her comforter. Her eyes are red and puffy, and squinting in the overhead light. Her nose is swollen and blotchy.
I've seen women in this state many times, especially after I've punished them." -- it's hard to understand why any woman would pass up the chance to be with Christian, really.
"'You said you wanted me to stay, so here I am.' Nice save, Grey. 'And yet I find you like this.' You weren't like this when I left. 'I'm sure I'm responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?'" -- I mean, I'm not the expert here, but. I'm gonna go with yes.
"'I take it that when you said you okay, you weren't.'
'I thought I was fine,' she admits.
'Anastasia, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest. How can I trust anything you've said to me?'" -- see this shit? this shit is called GASLIGHTING. It's a form of mental/emotional abuse that twists or intentionally misinterprets the words of someone as a means to control them. She literally just told Christian, "I thought I was fine." THIS IS HONEST! Every person on this fucking planet has been in a situation where they thought they were fine in the moment, but realized later that it was, in fact, super fucked up and actually they were not okay at all. But does Christian say, "okay, next time, assuming there is one, I'll stick around for a little while longer, we'll talk things out, and I'll only leave when we're both sure that you're not fucking traumatized"???? No. Instead, he makes it HER FAULT WHICH IT IS NOT AND IN TURN MAKES HER FEEL LIKE SHE HAS LIED TO HIM AND THAT SHE DESERVES ALL THE SHIT HE DOES TO HER. THIS IS SO ABUSIVE AND UNHEALTHY WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM
Christian and Ana then have a discussion about punishment, and why she isn't supposed to like it, and why he does like it, which he can't tell her for his own very mysterious 'fifty shades of fucked up' reasons, And then shit gets even worse.
"'How did you feel afterward?'
She blinks. 'Confused.'
'You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia.'
You have an inner freak, Ana. I know it.
Closing my eyes, I recall her wet and wanting around my fingers after I spanked her."
TEACHING MOMENT!!
Hey, kids! Did you know that your body can react in a sexual way even if your mind is totally and 100% not loving what's happening? Or for no fucking reason at all? That's why, when a guy is feeling all over a girl and she says 'no' and he responds with 'but you're so wet, you know you want it' SHE CAN STILL SAY NO AND ABSOLUTELY NOT WANT IT. This also happens to men, who know all too well the inconvenience of getting a mystery boner during math class. For men especially, this is why rape reports are so often discredited. "Well you had an erection so you were consenting." NO HE FUCKING WASN'T. Your body is a fucking weird thing and THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SAY THEY ARE ENJOYING SOMETHING IS THE PERSON THAT THE SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO. YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL ANOTHER PERSON THAT THEY ARE SEXUALLY AROUSED. YOU DO NOT. THERE IS LITERALLY AN ENTIRE SONG ABOUT THE BULLSHIT CHRISTIAN JUST PULLED.
Everything about this post is making me physically ill.
Somehow, Ana is not angry enough with this bullshit to tell him to get the fuck out of her apartment, and he stays the night instead.
Christian has a dream about apples and being 5, and the apples fall on him and it hurts. Riveting stuff.
He wakes up with Ana, realizes he's overslept, and books it back to Portland just in time to be late for a meeting.
During his meeting, Christian gets an email from Ana regarding their earlier discussion.
"You wanted to know why I felt confused after you - which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me.
Well, during the whole alarming process, I felt demeaned, debased, and abused."
The email goes on to explain that she was sexually aroused, and that this conflicted with her other feelings and that this resulted in the confusion she had previously mentioned. Christian replies, and, of all of his possible responses, he chooses this.
"So you felt demeaned, debased, abused, and assaulted - how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement, if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST TRY TO EMBRACE THESE FEELINGS, DEAL WITH THEM, FOR ME? THAT'S WHAT A SUBMISSIVE WOULD DO."
JUST FUCKING STOP. I genuinely could not give fewer fucks about what the rest of this email contains. Relationships are not about debasement. They are not about demeaning the other person. A true Dominant would never want his Submissive to feel abused (unless, of course, that kind of thing had been discussed between them, WHICH IT HAS NOT BEEN). The pain inflicted in a BDSM relationship is done for pleasure. Not humiliation. THIS. IS. ABUSE. And telling someone who has already commented on her inexperience ("As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to me") that bowing down to this kind of treatment is "what a submissive would do", is not only incorrect, but it's blatantly taking advantage of her lack of knowledge. This is the emotional equivalent of "If you really loved me you'd do _____." I really don't know how many times I can say this before I'm beating a dead horse, but guilt-tripping and gaslighting IS NOT OKAY. For EL James to romanticize this bullshit is sickening.
He goes on in the email to tell her to listen to her body. So she responds by telling him that if she were listening to her body, she'd be in Alaska by now. Good instinct, sweetie. Unfortunately, you can't run from Christian.
"Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.
I can track your cell phone - remember?"
Literally what the fuck is happening here? How the hell do people think this shit is sexy???? If a man EVER said something like this to me, I would call the police and microwave my fucking phone.
The emailing finally stops and Christian finishes his meeting. He then tells his assistant to "investigate all the publishing houses in Seattle and see if any are ripe for a takeover." Why would he do that? It's not like Ana said she had some interviews at Seattle publishing houses. And it's not like Christian would purchase whatever company hires her just so he can keep her a little further under his thumb. Oh, wait.
So. Nothing really happens over the next few pages. Christian has a BlackBerry delivered to Ana so he can further monitor her. He does some businessy stuff. He calls and emails Ana incessantly and she does not respond, making him incredibly angry. As he's walking off his rage in his living room (something I can now relate to, thanks to this chapter), he has a deep and existential thought.
"I wander around my apartment, my footsteps echoing through the living room, and it seems achingly empty since I was last here. I undo my bow tie. Perhaps it's me that's empty."
Finally Ana calls, tells Christian she's fine and that she'll see him Sunday. And then they engage in an actual "You hang up." "No, you hang up." match. Ana hangs up first. Christian goes to bed.
I don't think there's a "baby" count this time. I don't remember if it was actually in the chapter and quite frankly, I do not care.
No comments:
Post a Comment