Okay, so we're coming off of a particularly difficult and uncomfortable chapter. I can't say whether or not the remainder of the book will be better or worse, but I hope we're all prepared for whatever ELJ has in store.
So. On to the chapter.
Christian is picking up his sister, Mia, from the airport today. Mia is modeled after Alice Cullen and for some bizarre reason, The Powers That Be chose to cast Rita Ora in the film. Mia has a much smaller part on screen than she does in print, and I don't know if it matters or not. Unlike Alice Cullen, Mia is a throw away plot device. No one is really sure what her function is, other than to constantly annoy Christian with her happiness. And her incredibly stereotypical retelling of her time in Paris.
"Mia proceeds to talk nonstop about Paris: her tiny room, the plumbing, Sacre-Coeur, Montmartre, Parisians, coffee, red wine, cheese, fashion, shopping. But mainly about fashion and shopping. And I thought she went to Paris to learn to cook."
After he drops Mia off at his parents' house - he gets out quickly so they can't ask him about Ana - Christian returns home to discover a package.
"Oh yes. I recognize the anonymous wrapping: it's the riding crop." -- oh, goodie. also, I thought the whole point of anonymous wrapping is to be unrecognizable.
"Taking the crop, I stroll into my bedroom. This will be the perfect introduction to my world: by her own admission Ana has no sphere of reference with regard to corporal punishment, except the spanking I gave her that night."
This chapter is really disjointed. We jump from setting to setting - Christian's mom's house, Christian's apartment, back to Christian's mom's house - with no frame of reference for how much time has elapsed. We go straight from:
"As I shower I wonder if having to chase Ana has made her more interesting . . . or is it Ana herself?" -- which is a shitty sentence that once again reduces Ana to nothing more than a shiny object for Christian to play with --
To:
"Dinner has been fun."
Like. Thank you? For the sudden and awkward jump forward? I'm not really sure how or when we ended up at your parents' house, but since we're here, I guess we'll keep going - for exactly half a page because this chapter is only 4 pages long. And nothing happens. Christian is at dinner and everyone wants to hear about Ana and everyone wants to meet her so he's supposed to bring her for dinner the next night. The chapter ends with:
"Shit. It looks like Anastasia Steele is going to meet my family. I don't know how I feel about this." -- what are you afraid of, Christian? that Ana's going to ask your psychologist mother if her son has always been an abusive fuck?
Chapter 14: Or, Sunday, May 29, 2011
This is the longest chapter of my life. Coming off of a delightful 4-page chapter, chapter 14 is an unbelievable 49 pages.
"With the Rolling Stones' "Shake Your Hips" blasting in my ears, I sprint down Fourth Avenue and turn right on Vine. It's 6:45 in the morning, and it's downhill all the way . . . to her apartment. I'm drawn; I just want to see where she lives.
It's between control freak and stalker.
I chuckle to myself. I'm just running. It's a free country." -- this is not funny.
"The water on the Sound is a glassy leaden color, matching the sky. But it does nothing to dampen m spirits.
Today's the day." -- that what? you finally murder her?
Christian emails Ana the details for how to drive to his apartment - where to park, what the code is for the elevator - and she responds.
"'Yes, Sir. Understood.
Thank you for the champagne and the blow-up Charlie Tango, which is now tied to my bed.
Ana'
An image of Ana tethered to her bed with my tie comes to mind. I shift in my chair. I hope she's brought that bed to Seattle." -- Charlie Tango is Christian's name for his helicopter, by the way. And ALSO, he's managed to take a pretty cute admission and turn it into something that literally no one wants to think about.
Ana arrives at Christian's apartment around 1:00pm. He's scheduled a gynecologist appointment for her so she can be put on birth control. Because apparently ELJ thinks that a gynecological exam is necessary for birth control. It is not.
"'Have you eaten?'
'No.'
Not at all? Okay. We'll have to fix this. I drag my hand through my hair, and in as even a tone as I can manage I ask, 'Are you hungry?'
'Not for food,' she teases.
Whoa. She might as well be addressing my groin." -- I'd like us all to take this moment to imagine Dakota Johnson kneeling down and speaking directly to Jamie Dornan's crotch. I'll wait.
Once Christian has composed himself, and his genitals, he invites Ana to dinner with his parents and tells her it will be "odd" for him to introduce her to his family.
"'Are you ashamed of me?' She sounds choked.
Oh, for heaven's sake. 'Of course not.' Of all the ridiculous things to say!" -- for heaven's sake, Christian. lets treat Ana like an adult person, okay?
In the middle of what had the potential to be an argument, the gynecologist Christian called for Ana arrives.
"'Thank you for coming on such short notice.' I flash her my most benign smile." -- For the purpose of being thorough, I did a Google search for 'benign smile.'
This was the first picture that came up. It's entitled Franz Liszt the Hungarian Musician in Old Age with a Benign Smile on His Face. Let it never be said that I have not done my due diligence for this blog.
"'I'll be downstairs,' I acquiesce. Though I would like to watch. I'm sure the good doctor's reaction would be priceless if I made that request." -- Eww? Like. Just eww? Why on earth would you want to watch someone else's gynecological exam? Why? Do you not get enough personal time with her vagina already? Also, this is the second time ELJ has written the phrase "good doctor" in under a page and it was weird the first time.
"Eventually, their footsteps echo in the corridor (Christian's apartment has corridors), and I look up as they enter. 'Are you done?' I ask, and hit the remote for the iPod, to quiet the aria.
'Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman.'
What has Ana told her?
'I fully intend to,' I say, with a quick what-the-fuck glance at Ana.
She bats her lashes, clueless."
YOU'RE WELCOME
They sit down to eat, and as always, have riveting conversation.
"She takes a bite, then another . . . and another. She's eating!
'So I can put chicken Caesar on the list for Mrs. Jones?' I ask.
'I thought I'd be doing the cooking.'
'Yes. You will.'
She finished before I do. She must have been starving.
'Eager as ever, Miss Steele?'
'Yes,' she says, giving me a demure look from beneath her lashes." -- I remember when I first read Fifty Shades, Ana commented on gazing at Christian "surreptitiously" through her lashes. I had no idea what the hell that was supposed to look like, but I guess we'll just go with demure. Honestly, it's taking everything I have not to use the Buzz Lightyear gif again.
yolo.
They take a trip to Christian's Red Room of Pain for Ana's first round as Christian's Submissive. Though, as Ana aptly points out, she hasn't signed anything. Christian replies that he's aware she hasn't signed the contract, but seems to forget just a page later.
"'When you're in here, you are completely mine. To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?'" -- Nope. No, I do not. You can't "do with her as you see fit" because SHE HASN'T SIGNED YOUR STUPID FUCKING AGREEMENT. WE'RE 309 PAGES INTO THIS GOD FORSAKEN BOOK AND YOU HAVEN'T YET FOUND 15 SECONDS TO GET HER FUCKING SIGNATURE.
Anyway, he tells her that when he calls her into this room, her hair will be braided (because we ALL know how into that he is), she'll be in just her panties, and she'll kneel by the door with her eyes at the ground. He attaches her to his "restraining system" that hangs from the ceiling.
"Slowly I walk around her, admiring the view. Could she look hotter? 'You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth quiet for now. I like that.'" -- I dream of a day when this dialogue is believable.
"She opens her mouth for me as I kiss her, my tongue exploring her, reveling in the taste of her lust.
'Oh, baby, you taste mighty fine,' I whisper." -- There are certain words and phrases that will become extremely distracting to a reader if you use them frequently. "Mighty fine" is one of them, particularly when it's coming out of the mouth of a young, rich, Seattleite in the year 2011. It's a charming and common phrase when used by Nathan Fillion, captain of the transport ship, Serenity. It makes perfect sense coming out of the mouth of the men in O Brother, Where Art Thou? This phrase does not fit in Christian's vernacular whatsoever, and you've forced it on me twice in less than a page. Stop it.
They have lots of poorly written (but no less explosive) sex, and Christian's thoughts do bizarre things again.
"She. Is. So. Fucking. Sweet.
Slowly I slide out of her, then grip her hip with my free hand and tighten my hold on her hair.
Submissive." -- This. Doesn't. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense.
After, Christian carries Ana to her bedroom, as she's too exhausted to walk. In a moment of weakness, he crawls into bed with her, which is a huge no-no. The next thing he knows, he's waking up from their nap still in her bed.
"She's fast asleep beside me. I lie back and stare at the ceiling.
When have I ever slept in this room?
Never.
The thought is unnerving, and for some unfathomable reason it makes me uneasy."
Ana wakes up and it's time to go to dinner. Christian thinks he'll be hilarious and steal her panties so she can't wear them to his parents' house, but she doesn't care.
"She never fails to surprise, impress, and disarm me. Now I will have to sit through dinner with my parents, knowing my girl is not wearing any underwear. In fact, I'm traveling down in this elevator right now, knowing she's naked beneath her skirt." -- no, no, NO, NO, NO. You've spent this entire book writing in first person present tense using regular verbs and now, for one sentence only, you're going to throw in irregular verbs and totally throw off the flow of the entire thing. Do not try to break the fourth wall by making Christian talk to the reader (trust me, we don't want to talk to him).
"She's quiet as Taylor drives us north on I-5. I catch a glimpse of Union Lake; the moon disappears behind a cloud, and the water darkens, like my mood." -- Sorry, ELJ. You want to write a character from Seattle, you're gonna have to research long enough to know that it's Lake Union, not Union Lake. And yes, that fucking matters.
We arrive at Christian's parents' house for dinner. Christian is upset about how much his family is fawning all over Ana, even though they're acting exactly the way all parents act when their son brings a significant other to meet them. Things go from bad to worse, when Christian's father, Carrick, asks her if she's taking a break now that she's graduated.
"'I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,' she answers.
'Georgia?' I exclaim, unable to hide my surprise.
'My mother lives there,' she says, her voice wavering, 'and I haven't seen her for a while.'
'When were you thinking of going?' I snap.
'Tomorrow, late evening.'
Tomorrow! What the fuck? And I'm only hearing of this now?
'For how long?' I persist, trying to keep my voice level.
'I don't know yet. It will depend on how my interviews go tomorrow.'
Interviews? Tomorrow?
.....
When was she going to tell me this? I'm here with her for two minutes and I'm finding out details of her life that I should know!
.....
'When were you going to tell me you were leaving?' My temper is rapidly unraveling.
'I'm not leaving. I'm going to see my mother. And I was only thinking about it.' Ana dismisses me, as if I'm a child. (well.... she's not wrong)
'What about our arrangement?'
'We don't have an arrangement yet.'"
Hey, Christian. Remember not too long ago, in this post, when I made the observation that we're over 300 pages into your life and you haven't found 15 seconds to get her signature? Remember that? It's okay if you don't. You can just scroll up. It's fine. I'll wait.
You can't have it both ways. Either she's your submissive and can't do anything (except maybe breathe) without your permission, or you have a relationship and she gets to be her own person and have a life and a family and things that she has absolutely no obligation to tell you about. Sure, it's a little out of the blue that she's just now thinking about flying across the country tomorrow night. That's going to be an expensive plane ticket. But you know what you don't get to do with this information? Tell her she broke an agreement she hasn't even fucking agreed to.
Dinner is just about as awkward as you'd expect it to be. Christian is mad at Ana for something he has no reason to be mad about, and Kate is eager to make it worse. I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that Kate is the worst best friend in the history of fictional best friends. Even worse than Frodo. Sure, she doesn't know that Christian is probably going to beat the living shit out of Ana for what she's about to say, but even if he wasn't, she's intentionally trying to drive a wedge between Christian and Ana. If you have a problem with your friend's relationship, you go to your friend about it. You don't try to tear it apart in front of the boyfriend's family.
"Kate smirks. 'How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?' she asks, with a brash look in my direction.
What. The. Fuck. Is. This?
Ana tenses beside me.
'He was fine,' she says quietly.
'Palm-twitchingly mad,' I whisper to her. 'Especially now.
So she went to a bar with the guy who was trying to ram his tongue down her throat the last time I saw him. And she'd already agreed to be mine. Sneaking off to a bar with another man? And without my permission . . ." -- this is fucking scary.
Christian begins to contemplate all the various ways that he can punish Ana, when his mother, Grace, returns from taking a phone call.
"Grace returns, looking worried. 'Everything okay?' Dad asks, and we all look up at her.
'Another measles case.' Grace sighs heavily.
'Oh no,' Dad says.
'Yes, a child. The fourth case this month. If only people would get their kids vaccinated.' Grace shakes her head."
It's all because of that damn global warming.
I'd like to take this moment to thank ELJ for using her bizarre brand of fame to speak out against anti-vaxxers. Vaccinate your kids, kids. It's important.
"Ana is eating heartily and listening to the banter. Everyone else has calmed down, and my family is being less weird. Why am I so tense? This happens every day all across the country, families gathering to enjoy good food and each other's company. Am I tense because I have Ana here? Am I worried they won't like her, or that she won't like them? Or is it because she's fucking off to Georgia tomorrow, and I knew nothing about that?
It's confusing." -- BREAKING: Christian is confused by basic human emotion, object permanence, and has trouble grasping that a person can feel multiple things about multiple things at once. Christian is a toddler.
"I put my hand on Ana's knee again; I need to touch her. Besides, she should accept my touch, whenever I want to touch her. I gauge her reaction as my fingers travel up her thigh toward her panty-free zone, teasing her skin. Her breath catches and she squeezes her thighs together, blocking my fingers, stopping me.
That's it." -- Christian, did you know that Ana is a person? A person meeting someone's family for the first time? A person who HAS ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO SATISFY YOUR INSATIABLE NEED TO BE DISGUSTING?
He drags her away from the conversation under the pretense that he's going to give her a tour of the yard. Once outside, he throws her over his shoulder and carries her to the boathouse so they can be alone.
"'Please don't hit me,' she whispers.
I don't understand. I stare down at her blankly." -- She's afraid of you Christian. I hope you're fucking happy.
Somehow, this doesn't lead to an apology or discussion of their relationship, but instead, sex.
"My hands grip her hair and I savor her taste, her tongue, her frame against mine as my body ignites like gasoline."
Wishful thinking.
Dinner ends and they return to Christian's apartment. In the car, Ana agrees to sign his contract, but Christian tells her to sign it when she gets back from Georgia. Christian asks her to stay with him for the night and she agrees. He wants to have sex, obviously. But a hitch is put in his plans when she asks to touch him.
"'I want to touch you.'
Fuck. No. I step back as the darkness closes around my ribs.
'Please,' she whispers.
No. No. Haven't I made it clear?
I can't bear to be touched. I can't.
Ever.
.....
'Imagine if I said you couldn't touch me,' she says, as argumentative as ever.
She's not going to let this go. I sit down on the bed. 'Anastasia, I've told you. Fifty Shades. I had a rough start in life - you don't want that shit in your head. Why would you?'"
Ana gets this idea that if she lets him spank her, he'll tell her what's going on in his head. To me, this is a pretty shitty trade off, but what do I know?
"'Always so keen and eager for information,' I marvel. And a thought occurs to me: I could spank her. I've wanted to since dinner, but I could make it fun.
I get off the bed. 'Don't go away,' I warn, and leave the room. From my study I pick up the key to the playroom and head upstairs. In the playroom chest I retrieve the toys I want and contemplate lube as well, but on reflection, and judging from recent experience, I don't think Ana will need any.
She's sitting on the bed when I get back, her expression bright with curiosity.
'When's your first interview tomorrow?' I ask.
'Two.'
Excellent. No early morning.
'Good Get off the bed. Stand over here.' I point to a spot in front of me. Ana scrambles off with no hesitation, eager as ever. She's waiting.
'Trust me?'
She nods, and I hold out my had, revealing two silver kegel balls. She frowns and looks from the balls to me. 'These are new. I am going to put these inside you and then I'm going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.'"
And this is how the chapter ends. That's it. You're left uncomfortable at the way this whole thing has played out, and with awkward and unpleasant imagery. On a more positive note, the first sentence of the next chapter is:
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."
No comments:
Post a Comment