Grey: Chapter 2

Or, Saturday, May 14, 2011.

When we last saw Christian, he had just had what was apparently the most exciting interaction of his young, disturbed life. So captivated by Anastasia and her plain, mousy, personality-less self, the chapter ended with him getting a background check on her.

The background check has lots of information in it that no reader was ever going to wonder about ever, but here it is anyway.

ANASTASIA ROSE STEELE (ew, we share middle names)

DOB:                      Sept. 10, 1989, Montesano, WA

Address:                 1114 SW Green Street, Apartment 7, Haven Heights, Vancouver, WA                                98888

Mobile No:            360-959-4352 (if we called this number would we get an actual                                        person or do you think EL James purchased the phone number                                      and recorded her own special message?)

SSN:                      987-65-4320 (same here - did she just steal and widely broadcast                                    someone else's SSN??)

Bank:                     Wells Fargo Bank, Vancouver, WA:

                                   Acct. No.: 309361 (really? why does he need this? oh wait.)

                                   $631.16 balance (really?????)

Occupation:           Undergraduate Student

                               WSU Vancouver College of Arts and Sciences

                               English Major

GPA:                      4.0

Prior Education:     Montesano Jr. Sr. High School

SAT Score:             2150 (sorry but I'm totally calling bullshit here)

Employment:         Clayton's Hardware Store, NW Vancouver Drive, Portland, OR (part-                                  time)

Father:                    Franklin A. Lambert, DOB: Sept. 1, 1969

                               Deceased Sept. 11, 1989

Mother:                  Carla May Wilks Adams

                               DOB: July 18, 1970

                               m. Frank Lambert March 1, 1989, (shotgun wedding much?)

                               widowed Sept. 11, 1989

                               m. Raymond Steele June 6, 1990,

                               divorced July 12, 2006 (on my 17^th birthday)

                                   m. Stephen M. Morton Aug. 16, 2006 (YOU GOT DIVORCED A MONTH                                      AGOOOOOO)

                               divorced Jan. 31, 2007 (yeah no one saw that coming)

                               m. Bob Adams April 6, 2009

This also includes her political affiliations, religious affiliations, sexual orientation, and relationship status, of which there is no information. She has no known boyfriend and this is obviously a HUGE deal because it means that Christian can just find himself sitting in his car outside of her place of work being a total creep.

"I recall the question she asked during the interview, her acute embarrassment, the way her skin flushed a pale rose... I've been suffering from these lascivious thoughts since I met her."

-- lascivious: adj.; filled with or showing sexual desire

          **are you SURE that's the word you were looking for?**

Entering the hardware store, totally aware that he's behaving like a stalker ("I haven't mentioned her to Flynn, and I'm glad because I'm now behaving like a stalker" - his words, not mine), Christian surveys his surroundings, making sure his observations are as bizarre as possible.

"I'd forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could present to someone like me."

He finds Ana quickly, thanks to his trusty stalker skills, and proceeds to make her, and us, extremely uncomfortable.

"There are a few items I need. To start with, I'd like some cable ties." 

"Oh, this is going to be fun. You'd be amazed what I can do with a few cable ties, baby." 

"She is affected by me. Hope blooms in my chest." -- you might wanna get that looked at.

"She's not gay, then. I smirk." -- oh good. this book would be even worse if you were the only heterosexual one.

We've finally arrived at the cable ties, and Christian is extra pleased:

"I select the longer ties. They are more flexible, after all, as they can accommodate two ankles and two wrists at once." 

Christian's shopping list is not long, and after the cable ties, he asks to see the masking tape. Obviously. On the way, he attempts small talk.

"'Have you worked here long?' Of course, I already know the answer." -- just make sure you don't say this shit out loud, man. she might actually figure out what a deranged person you are.

Christian selects the wider masking tape (it works better as a gag, apparently. and no, I'm not kidding), and as she hands it to him, their fingers brush against each other. Christian's body reacts, but not in the way you might expect:

"As she passes it to me, the tips of our fingers touch, briefly. It resonates in my groin. Damn!"

The last thing I'll say about his shopping excursion (because frankly, it's getting painful) is his thoughts on rope. 

"'I'll take five yards of the natural filament rope, please.' It's coarser and chafes more if you struggle against it... my rope of choice."

Now that Christian has all of his very necessary items, he asks Ana what her "thing" is. Obviously, books are her thing - the classics, British literature, etc. How very Bella Swan of you. 

When Ana calls Christian to confirm doing a photoshoot, she's breathy and nervous, almost like she's just discovered her boyfriend is a vampire. 

"'Miss Steele. How nice to hear from you.' I hear her breath hitch and the sound travels directly to my groin." -- this just in, Christian's dick has ears.

With the photoshoot set up, Christian is pleased. As he gazes pensively out of his hotel room window, the sky gets dark (because it's night time, wow) and he has one final thought:

"How the hell am I going to close this deal?"

Ugh.

Chapter 2 "baby" count: 3

Total "baby" count: 9