77 Thoughts While Watching Fifty Shades of Grey

Alright. So, my friend Kali and I finally watched the Fifty Shades movie and it was much, much worse than I was expecting (which is saying A LOT). Below is a list of 77 things that were either said or thought during the course of the 2 agonizing hours.

We begin with a tally of how often Ana bites her lip - this number slows down towards the middle of the movie because Christian forbids the action. Obviously.

Lip bite tallly: 23

First observations on watching Fifty Shades of Grey:
Me - KS
Kali - KT

1. "I feel like filling ourselves up with cheese and bread before this was a really good idea." KS
2. "They had to use the song from Hocus Pocus, huh?" - KS
3. ""All of his shirts have like 6 inches of personal space." - KS
4. "If he consolidated down to a normal sized closet, how big would his Red Room of Pain be? It could be it's own fucking house." - KT
5. "Oh god! Rita Ora's in this?!" - KT
6. "That is a fucking ugly shirt. 'Let me try to look professional and like 50 years older by wearing this ugly fucking shirt.'" - KT
7. --ew wow we're starting with the weird lip biting a little early--
8. "That was such a good fake fall." - KS
9. --YES I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW YOU AND YES I'M IN COLLEGE BUT NO I DID NOT BRING A FUCKING PEN--
10. --is Dakota Johnson just now reading the script for the very first time?--
11. --this is the world's worst interview--
12. "There are some people who say I don't have a heart. At all." --Dramatic much?
13. --I mean, I kind of get casting Jamie Dornan but you couldn't have gotten a more brooding dude with a more convincing accent?--
14. --SO MANY ANNOYING CAMERA CUTS WHY IT DOES NOT MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC--
15. "More pencil in the mouth, no stop it stop it stop it STOP IT" - KS
16. "She can take rope. Off of a spool. And he is impressed." - KS
17. "Rope, tape, cable ties... you're a complete serial killer." - literally the only time she's right about anything.
18. GODDAMN THE HARDWARE GUY IS SO HOT WHAT IS THIS DATE HIM 
19. "I'm not the man for you. You should stay away from me." -- Can Stephenie Meyer sue for plagiarism?
20. --He showed up at my work without me telling him who I work for. He mailed me a thing without me giving him my address. WHAT A ROMANTIC MAN--
21. "There is nothing else in that office, is there?" - KS
22. "This is the most believable moment." - KT on drunk Ana
23. 'I know where you are, I'm coming to get you." WHY IS THIS ROMANTIC?
24. "nooo she said no." - KS
25. --Christian is angry that Jose wanted to kiss her even though she said no. DOESN'T SHE SAY NO TO YOU LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES BUT YOU JUST GET HER DRUNK SO SHE'LL SAY YES?!--
26. "Did you change my clothes? I feel like that's a real violation of privacy." - KS
27. "Oh, there is other stuff in that office." - KS
28. "Fuck the paperwork. FUCK THE PAPERWORK KAITLIN." -KT
29. "Oh nooooo you?? You're like a legitimate actor why are you in this. aghhhh. goddammit." - KT
30. "That's the most serial killer thing you could say to her in that moment." - KS
31. "Is... is the chanting music coming from the movie?" - KS
32. "He's making sex sound so terrible. I have never been less turned on." 
33. "This is the best movie ever."
34. "Damn, that's nice though. I would have sex in there."
35. "OHMYGODDDDDD SHE'S A VIRGIN MY FACE IS PERMANENTLY IN A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION WHAT IS VIRGINITY HOW DO I HANDLE THIS"
36. --I like how he's 'rectifying the situation' without actually asking her if it's a cool thing to do first. Consent? What's consent?--
37. "He's got a great back though." - KS
38. --wait did he use a condom? there was all this bitching about how she had to be on a BC shot because he doesn't use them and we haven't discussed that yet so basically he's being really fucking irresponsible with whatever trust this poor misguided girl has placed in him.--
39. "Are... are you gonna lick her clean? Like a cat?" - KS
40. "This is not cleanliness. There is no soap." - KS
41. "That was a pretty intense moan for not being touched..." - KS
42. "Still has not touched you you bitch, what the fuck?" - KT
43. *collective horror* OHMYGOD MARCIA GAY HARDING IS YOUR MOM WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE HOW HAVE THE MIGHTY FALLEN
44. --'you can leave at any time except i'm going to spend a thousand hours persuading you not to and telling you that really you should stay because i said so'--
45. -THAT'S THE LAKE THAT PENNYWISE COMES OUT OF-
46. "THEN they're going to a show at the gorge? THEY'RE IN PORTLAND" - KT
47. "Let me convince you with all the things we won't be doing so you have no idea of what's actually going to happen."
48. "I'm pretty sure this is like Stockholm Syndrome." - KS
49. 'I haven't made up my mind yet.' That's a lie, you did make up your mind but he didn't like your answer.
50. "What's with the mood lighting? Do you need mood lighting to sign a contract? Why is everything orange?" - KS
51. "Ah, character development." - KS
52. --that's not an attractive thing to say to someone--
53. --so we need close ups every time she bites her lip?--
54. 'Do you have an answer yet?' 'I'm still thinking.' 'No, stop thinking and just try this my way because I'm a fucking baby and have to get my way.'
55. 'Did you just roll your eyes at me?' MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE YOU SOLD MY PROPERTY WITHOUT MY CONSENT
56. --most of the time he makes me happy. the rest of the time he's being emotionally and physically abusive.--
57. 'But I haven't signed the contract.' 'I'm well aware.' THIS IS NOT OKAY
58. I am so uncomfortable.
59. #50ShadesofFear
60. #TerrorIsTheNewSexy
61. --thank god Ana has a stylist now--
62. "There's a contract here somewhere, right? That we still haven't signed?"
63. 'Palm-twitchingly mad.' This. Is. Abuse.
64. Angsttttttttt
65. *you know what this story needs? a place where we attempt to excuse all of his disgusting behavior by giving him an unfortunate past*
66. --did you get her consent while she was sleeping then?--
67. YES MY GIRLFRIEND IS IGNORING ME SO I'M GOING TO TRACK HER FUCKING PHONE SO I CAN CONFRONT HER UNEXPECTEDLY
68. I can't imagine not liking someone and having to kiss them this often
69. 'What are your safe words?' WE STILL HAVEN'T SIGNED THE CONTRACT????
70. "This slow motion thing is the worst." - KS
71. "It looks like he's dusting her." - KT
72. "Was that a tear? Was that a single man tear I saw?" - KS
73. 'Why do you want to hurt me?' A VERY GOOD QUESTION KEEP ASKING IT AND RUN AWAY
74. 'Because I am fifty shades of fucked up.' IT HAPPENED IT IS REAL THEY QUOTED THE TITLE IN THE MOVIE THIS IS NOT A DRILL
75. that was more horrible than it was when I read it
76. *beats the shit out of Ana* 'please don't hate me.'
77. *Ana leaves* *Christian is surprised*

Man, I can't wait for the second movie. When he buys the company she works for so he can keep a closer eye on her? So romantic.