Grey: Chapter 1

Or, Grey: Monday, May 9, 2011. Because using dates as your chapter headings in a book from another character's perspective when the original series gave no thought to dates whatsoever makes total and complete sense.

Monday, May 9, 2011. Just a normal day in May. Christian did not wake up this morning knowing he would meet someone who so.... entices... him. And Ana certainly didn't know she'd be interviewing a man who would later stalk, beat, and otherwise take advantage of and abuse her. If she had, I'd like to think she'd have stayed home.

For the purposes of clarity, quoted passages with either be photographs or in bolded navy. My commentary will be red.

We begin with a brooding Christian Grey, sullied by the most common weather in the PNW, where he's supposed to live.

"Outside, a leaden sky promises rain, and I'm not in the mood to be rained on during my run today." - Welcome to spring in Seattle, dipshit.
"My mood is as flat and gray as the weather." - I see what you did there.

Ana all but flings herself recklessly into his office, tripping over her feet and waving her limbs around wildly, but Christian has much more important things to be concerned with:
"Clear, embarrassed eyes meet mine and halt me in my tracks. They are the most extraordinary color, powder blue, and guileless, and for one awful moment, I think she can see right through me and I'm left... exposed. The thought is unnerving, so I dismiss it immediately." 
This is page three and is SO sloppily done I almost can't believe it. If the thought was trivial enough to be dismissed immediately, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FORCING ME TO READ IT? I'll tell you why - because EL James got her narrative style from Stephenie Meyer, and it's very important for us to know that this clumsy mop of brown hair and "powder blue" eyes is going to really change Christian. SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.

Moving on....
If you've read the original series, or just have not been living under a rock for the last 2 years, you'll know that Ana manages to blush or flush just about 200 times in Fifty Shades of Grey alone. That does not change in the totally necessary new perspective, but it does get much, MUCH more uncomfortable.

"I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that - flawless - and what it would look like pink and warmed from the bite of a cane." 

Ana talks, exists. EL James gives her actions very strange verbs.

"Her voice is quiet with a hesitant musicality, and she blinks erratically, long lashes fluttering."

At some point, Christian needs to know who she is and why she's there. Unfortunately, Ana (or perhaps our illustrious author) seems to forget the educational path that has been already established for her roommate.

Ana: "I'm studying English literature with Kate.... at WSU." - EXCEPT KATE IS A JOURNALISM STUDENT YOU LIVE WITH HER YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS

"How can this young woman be a journalist?" SHE ISN'T.

From here, I leave you with excerpts from the book that I felt should be included but couldn't bring myself to actually type - mostly because I need you guys to believe that this shit actually is in real and true print.

"As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop." - I'm in for some real rapey, serial killer shit.

Ew.

"For me, it's like falling off a log." - What does that even mean.

Ew

So... that's a 'no' then.

We conclude May 9, 2011 with a very breathy "Anastasia." "Christian." elevator exchange. If you're having trouble picturing it, HAVE NO FEAR because Hollywood has done the hard work for you.

Also he calls some dude named Welch for a background check. It's worth noting that the background check is actually printed in the book, and includes her bank account information.

Ah, romance.