54 Thoughts While Watching "Ouija"

The first time I watched this movie, I went with a guy from work, on whom I had a rather large crush. We both knew we weren't in for cinematic genius, but it ended up being so bad, I bought him ice cream to make up for dragging him out there. Now here I am, watching it a second time with my sister, and I can't help but wonder if it will be worse because I don't harbor any sexual attraction for my movie partner.

1. movie starts out with very strict rules. obviously no one is going to break them very soon. 
2. "You can never ever play alone." *plays alone* THESE ARE YOUR RULES
3. what kind of parent buys their 7 year old a ouija board anyway?
4. *begins to tell story about ouija board that probably has a lot to do with the plot* *nevermind i'm just being crazy*
5. --why do demons only care about opening your doors first? no one gets to the point anymore --
6. *ouija board burns* *JUST KIDDING I'M BACK BITCHES*
7. --she's going to hang herself with her fairy lights. the most bizarrely cheerful possessed suicide ever--
8. "okay they always talk about how ouija boards and things can bring things into your house but do you ever think that watching movies about that kind of stuff can do the same thing?" - the sister gets  philosophical
9. --typical I DO NOT WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS NEWS I SHOULD TOTALLY SIT DOWN FOR cliche--
10. "why would she do this to herself?" "we'll never know" OR WILL WE
11. "can you go around back and check the pool cover?" --why are we always splitting up in the murder house?--
12. *stumbles across ouija board* "I never even got to say goodbye" --yeah this isn't foreshadowing or anything
13. "PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB" - sister
14. "do you ever feel like even after someone is gone you can talk to them?" "yeah but you can't sooooo?" *OUIJA BOARD EPIPHANY*
15. -- no one notices that all the chairs around that table are pulled out for you? no one? just me? okay.--
16. "I don't even think I believe in these things" --tooooo bad it's gonna kill you either way
17. "As friends we gather, hearts are true. Spirits here, we call to you." -- see that's your first fucking problem in the realm of the dead BE SPECIFIC
18. "who is this?" *board gives you the letter D* "DEBBIE IT IS YOU IT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE ANYONE ELSE"
19. "Was there something I could have done? Is there anything we could have done to help you? Is there anything you want to tell us?" --guys this thing has to fucking spell out everything! one question at a time plz
20. *boyfriend of dead girl gets pushed head first into a mirror* "DEBBIE IS HERE" - and apparently Debbie secretly hated her boyfriend? okay.
21. "rule one: never play alone." *plays alone* - stupidity is contagious, even in the afterlife
22. *grandmother finds planchette. has to move paper on only partially concealed board to realize what it is* NEVER TOUCH THIS, GRANDDAUGHTER
23. -- this surface is flat why did you jump off your bike and start walking instead i do not understand --
24. 'hm, this is uncomfortable and i am afraid if only there was a way for me to make a quick exit. perhaps something on two wheels that would allow me to move at optimum speed. no, can't think of anything like that. guess i'll just walk."
25. *demon communicates with everyone by writing 'hi friend' on their property* "wow, he's making a lot of friends today" - sister
26. --oh we're going back to the ouija board. sure. obviously.--
27. --this girl has either the most loyal or the most idiotic friends ever. maybe both--
28. *group collectively realizes they ae not talking to debbie* 'oops. i mean. we all make mistakes, right?'
29. -- see this is the shit that happens when you don't let it finish spelling its name --
30. *ouija board flies into the air* 'see guys wasn't this a good idea'
31. 'what if we broke some sort of rule?' "YOU DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE" - sister
32. *awkward 'everything has changed since we were tormented by a ghost' eye contact montage*
33. *first friend dies* --everyone is going to die but the one who deserves it.--
34. -- RIP Isabelle --
35. 'you made us play and now we're all angry with you' YES THIS IS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE GOOD JOB
36. -- typical "there's a box of creepy shit in the attic that is totally gonna be useful" cliche
37. "From the look of these photos, I'd say these are the late 40s/early 50s." -- really? is that what your very sophisticated 17 year old brain tells you?
38. "LOOK I FOUND A MAGIC ARTICLE THAT'S GOING TO LEAD US TO EXACTLY THE PERSON WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU'RE WELCOME I AM AMAZING"
39. "I guess they just let anyone visit people in psych wards."
40. -- oh look it's the lady from Insidious, here to explain the whole plot to us --
41. -- okay we now know the whole back story and literally everything else that's going to happen in the next 25 minutes. thank you for making the end a total waste of time --
42. "OH SHIT NOT PETE! GIVE PETE BACK!" - sister
43. -- your flashlight is dying because you're taking a thousand years to do the thing and fix this shit --
44. *everything is fine* *JUST KIDDING I'M BACK BITCHES*
45. "nooooooooooooooooooo not pete!" - sister
46. -- RIP Pete --
47. THE CRAZY INSIDIOUS WOMAN LIED TO ME OHMYGOD I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THIS COMING EVEN A LITTLE BIT I AM SHOCKED AND APPALLED 
48. *grandma please help us because we definitely did not listen to you*
49. Movie: "Trevor?" Sister: "Trevor is dying." Movie; "Where is he?" Sister: "DYING"
50. -- RIP Trevor --
51. -- aw yisss the original dead chick is back and she is pissed --
52. *ouija board burns for the second time*
53. -- and yeah, as previously stated, the chick who deserved to die is the one who lives. --
54. *JUST KIDDING THE BOARD IS BACK BITCHES*

Welp. Aside from my sister screaming when she got a text message, that was much more underwhelming than the first time around. Now you lucky readers don't have to watch it. You can thank me in the comments.