Grey: Chapter 11

Or, Thursday, May 26, 2011

Well, here we are again. Page 216 of only 559. When we left Christian and Ana, she had just left their "contract" negotiations without allowing Christian to seduce her. The nerve. After emailing her a few times with no response, Christian finally falls asleep.

Chapter 11 opens with one of Christian's dreams. I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be 4 or 5 in the dream, but honestly, who can tell?
"When is Mommy coming home?
Sometimes she comes home with him. I hate him. I hide when he comes. My favorite place is in my Mommy's closet. It smells of Mommy. It smells of Mommy when she's happy.
When is Mommy coming home?
My bed is cold. And I am hungry. I have my blankie and my cars but not my mommy. When is Mommy coming home?

I wake with a start.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

Having still not heard from Ana, his anxiety grows even though he'll be seeing her in a matter of hours at her graduation ceremony. As he's sitting and pouting, he gets an email from his sister, Mia. This causes more pouting, and the fact that Mia calls Ana his girlfriend causes, you guessed it, even more pouting.

At 10am, he still hasn't heard from Ana. It's not like she has a huge milestone to prepare for today or anything. I mean, honestly. Did any of you think she'd make it to graduation? So excuse, her Christian, if she can't be bothered to deal with your neediness today.

Once on stage, Christian scans the auditorium for Ana.
"I find her huddled in the second row. She's alive. I feel foolish for expending so much anxiety and energy on her whereabouts last night and this morning. Her brilliant blue eyes are wide as they lock with mine, and she shifts in her seat, a slow flush coloring her cheeks.
Yes. I've found you. And you haven't replied to my  messages."

"She's avoiding me and I'm pissed. Really pissed. Closing my eyes, I imagine dripping hot wax onto her breasts and her squirming beneath me. This has a radical effect on my body."

Christian gives his commencement speech, which is less about the graduates themselves, and more a social commentary on global warming, and I'm reminded of a certain treehugging character from a particularly terrible movie.

If you haven't seen Birdemic, go watch it.

After the ceremony, Christian finds Ana and proceeds to act, again, like a petulant 12-year-old.

"'Why haven't you e-mailed me? Or texted me back?' I demand.

She blinks a couple of times, consternation writ large on her face. 'I haven't looked at my computer today, or my phone.' She seems genuinely bewildered by my outburst. (she's been fucking busy, Christian. calm the fuck down.)

...

I close my eyes. All this time I thought she didn't want to talk to me. 'I've been worried about you.'"

They argue for a while about her car, even though it's perfectly safe and fine and Christian needs to just get the fuck over himself, until Ana finally excuses herself to go spend some time with her family. Christian suggests meeting her step dad, and then has weird thoughts when she responds.

"'Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him.'

Her uncertainty magnifies. 'I'm not sure that's a good idea,' she says darkly, as I unlock the door.

What? Why? Is this because she now knows I was dirt-poor as a kid? Or because she knows how I like to fuck? That I'm a freak?

'Are you ashamed of me?'

'No!' she exclaims, and she rolls her eyes in frustration. 'Introduce you to my dad as what?' She raises her hand in exasperation. "'This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship?'"

You can't just tell your dad he's your boyfriend? Or your friend? Or some dude you just ran into? Or the man you interviewed for the newspaper? OR THE PERSON WHO JUST GAVE THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS? There are SO MANY OTHER OPTIONS. Actually, maybe if you just told him that he was emotionally manipulating you into a relationship, your stepdad could just shoot him and this book would be over right now.

We go through a few pages of platitudes between Christian and Ana's stepfather, and it's incredibly boring and forced and painful. Christian is still trying to convince Ana to agree to the relationship with him, and frankly, it's getting irritating at this point. But finally, either truly wanting to or just having been worn down by his constant bitching, Ana agrees to this arrangement.

"Please. Try it my way.

Her gaze is intense as she searches my face, looking for clues. And for a moment I'm lost in blue eyes that see everything. (Ana has 20/20 vision. Good for her.)

'Okay,' she whispers.

'What?' Every hair on my body stands to attention. (ew.)

'Okay. I'll try.'

'You're agreeing?' I don't believe it.

'Subject to the soft limits, yes. I'll try.'"

Christian leaves the graduation, and in the car, he ponders on whether or not he can do more. Ana wants an actual relationship, but Christian can't do that. But Christian wants Ana. So maybe he can try? He decides to think it over in the gym. 

He emails Ana, telling her that he's willing to discuss her soft limits at any time and that she looked beautiful at the graduation. Then he ponders a little bit about how she didn't have her phone and how that caused him an incredible amount of stress. What could he do to amend the situation?

"Taylor

Please source a new BlackBerry for Anastasia Steele with her e-mail preinstalled. Andrea can get the account details from Barney and get them to you.

Please deliver it tomorrow either to her home or to Clayton's." -- Ah, yes. Just give her more things, even though she's expressed acute discomfort at being given this shit. 

Christian gets a call from his mother, telling him that he and Ana are invited to dinner and Christian is upset about it. Surprise. As he's contemplating how to get out of Ana meeting his family, he receives an email. 

"'I can come over this evening to discuss if you'd like.

Ana'

No, no baby. Not in that car. And my plans fall into place.

'I'll come to you. I meant it when I said I wasn't happy about you driving that car. 

I'll be with you shortly.'"

You know. I'm just. I am so irritated about this 'no you cannot drive that car' bullshit. She's obviously survived just fine thus far. The problem Christian has with the car is not that it's old, it's that Jose is the one who helps Ana with its upkeep. We've established a thousand times already that there is nothing about Jose that would interfere with whatever depraved shit Christian has in store for Ana, so fucking give it up already. 

Christian decides to deliver Ana's new car to her personally - because there's no way that could go wrong, right? He gets to her apartment and finds a wrapped up package with a note attached.

"There's a brown parcel on the table with the handwritten note attached.

'I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know

best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - 

don't make it more than I can bear!'

'Do you want saucers as well?' she calls.

'Teacups will be fine, Anastasia,' I respond, distracted. She's wrapped up the books - the first editions I sent her. She's giving them back to me. She doesn't want them. This is why she's nervous.

How the hell will she react to the car?"

POORLY, CHRISTIAN. SHE WILL REACT POORLY. WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW, BECAUSE 23 FUCKING PAGES AGO SHE SAID 'YOU ARE NOT BUYING ME A CAR.'

"'I bought these for you.' It's a small white lie - as I've replaced them. 'I'll go easier on you if you accept them.' I keep my voice calm and quiet, masking my disappointment.

'Christian, I can't accept them, they're just too much.'

Here we go, another battle of wills.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." -- really? really? this translates to "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Which is fine, except that I refuse to believe that EL James stuck it in here for any other reason than to be like 'Hey everyone look I don't ONLY use Wikipedia, sometimes I use Google Translate too!' 

So, since Christian can't have Ana defying him on anything else tonight, he makes the calculated decision to get her drunk.

"'Some more?' I nod toward the bottle on the table. 

'Please.'

I fetch the champagne and refill her cup. She regards me suspiciously. She knows I'm playing her with alcohol.

'This place looks pretty bare. Are you ready for the move?' I ask, to distract her." -- just stop.

He asks her what she's going to do for work when she gets to Seattle, and when she tells him she has some interviews for a few publishing houses, he angrily demands to know when she was going to tell him. He presses her for the names of the companies and she doesn't want to tell him.

"'Why don't you want me to know?'

'Undue influence,' she says.

What does that mean? I frown.

'Oh, now you're being obtuse,' she says, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

'Obtuse?' I laugh. 'Me? God, you're challenging. Drink up, let's talk about these limits.'

Her eyelashes flutter and she takes a shaky breath, then drains her cup."

IT'S BAAAAAAAAAACK

And here we are at the soft limits. The list is as follows:

- Masturbation

- Cunnilingus

- Fellatio

- Swallowing Semen

- Vaginal intercourse

- Vaginal fisting

- Anal intercourse

- Anal fisting

Ana has already said 'hell no' to fisting of any kind, and Christian asks if there's anything else she objects to.

"She swallows. 'Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat.'

'I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.'

She inhales sharply, gazing at me.

'But we'll wait for that. Besides, it's not something we can dive into.' I can't help my smirk. 'Your ass will need training.'"

"'So, swallowing semen okay?' I ask, trying to bring her back to the now. She nods and finishes her champagne.

'More?' I ask.

Steady, Grey, you just want her tipsy, not drunk."

Once again, they have what is apparently mindblowing sex (regardless of the still uncomfortable dialogue), and as they're cuddling after, Ana accidentally touches Christian's chest, which is a big no-no.

"'Don't,' I plead, and kiss her lips as I dampen down my fear. 

'Why don't you like to be touched?'

'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.'" -- FINALLY AFTER 253 PAGES WE HAVE INCLUDED THE TITLE OF THE SERIES INTO THE DIALOGUE HALLELUJAH

Ana asks Christian to stay, even though we all know that's not going to happen. He says he'd like to try a scene with her, but not until she signs the contract, so he knows she's ready. Ana makes the observation that she could just drag out their current relationship by not signing, and Christian gets creepy again.

"'Well, I suppose you could, but I may crack under the strain.'

'Crack? How?' she queries, her eyes alive with curiosity.

'Could get really ugly,' I tease, narrowing my eyes.

'Ugly, how?' Her grin matches mine.

'Oh, you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration.'

'You'd kidnap me?'

'Oh yes.'

'Hold me against my will?'

'Oh yes.' Now, that's an interesting idea. 'And then we're talking TPE twenty-four-seven.' -- THAT IS NOT AN INTERESTING IDEA THAT IS A CRIME

He leaves, even though we all know she didn't want him to, and after he gets back to his hotel, an email exchange takes place. He tells her she's exquisite, she tells him that she's "just some girl he fucks occasionally," he tells her not to talk about herself that way and that Taylor will dispose of her car, she tells him that she can do it and that she isn't sure she likes him. I hate this book.

I haven't posted in a while and this post in particular took an extremely long time to write. So naturally, I'm going to try to post again tonight. We'll see though.

Chapter 11 "baby" count: 9

Total "baby" count: 54

Grey: Chapter 10

Or, Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Before we get started, I want to take a quick moment to acknowledge the amount of time that has elapsed between our two adoring protagonists. When we first met Christian the date was Monday, May 9, 2011. Ana and Christian first had sex 4 days ago, on Saturday, May 21. So, here we are. She's known him less than a month and is about to sign her freedom away to him. To be clear, this "contract" doesn't actually state that there are any legal consequences for not following through? So as far as I can tell, the worst thing that will happen if you breach the contract is no more sex. Still, for the purposes of this series, this 10-page document is somehow legally binding because EL James doesn't understand how words work. I mean, I guess the consequence for Ana could also be the fact that he could beat her senseless whenever he feels like it... who knows? This is confusing and Ana should get a lawyer.

Christian is waiting at the bar when he sees Ana. As he goes to her, he takes time to appreciate her appearance.
"She's wearing a little makeup. Not too much. And I remember when she first fell into my office how ordinary I thought she looked. She is anything but ordinary. With a little makeup and the right clothes, she's a goddess.
She shifts in her seat and her eyelashes flutter." -- yaaaaaaaaaaas it's been too long

Ana is quick to get down to business, clearly nervous about discussing this shit in such a public place. Christian tells her he's nervous, too ("Yeah, I'm human, too, baby... just." I get what you're going for here but it doesn't make any fucking sense. Just what? Did we stop you mid-thought or are you suggesting that you're just barely human? Either way, this sentence is shit, and I can guarantee that unless you've recently been captured and had your bones fused with adamantium, you're more than "just barely" human). Moving on.

"She purses her lips to stifle her smile. 'You know this contract is legally unenforceable.'

'I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.'

'Were you going to tell me that at any point?'

What? I didn't think I'd have to . . . and you've worked it out for yourself. 'You'd think I'd coerce you into something you don't want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?'

'Well, yes.'"

A few things. First, WE ALL THINK THAT, CHRISTIAN. Second, did you just flat out admit that you're coercing her into something she doesn't want to do? Is that what I'm seeing right now? I mean, it seems like to you, it's one thing to make her do something she doesn't want to do, but it's fucking barbaric to then ALSO pretend that he has legal rights to her. Interesting.

"Anastasia, it doesn't matter if it's legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I would like to make with you - what I would like from you and what you can expect from me."

Allllllllllllllllright, Christian. I have a definition for you now. 

con·tract

noun

käntrakt/

1. 1.

   a written or spoken agreement, especially one concerning employment, sales, or tenancy, that is intended to be enforceable by law.

   "both parties must sign employment contracts"

Wait, what's the last part of that there? Is intended to be enforceable by law?? Christian, sweetie. What you have here is not a contract, it's a glorified pinky promise.

Anyone can make a pinky promise, Christian.

After admitting she hasn't eaten all day (honestly, does she just hate food?) this totally normal and not rapey at all conversation takes place.

"'You have to eat, Anastasia. We can eat down here or in my suite. Which would you prefer?'

She'll never go for this.

'I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.'

As predicted - sensible, Miss Steele.

'Do you think that would stop me?' My voice is husky.

She swallows. 'I hope so.'

Put the girl out of her misery, Grey.

'Come, I have a private dining room booked. No public.'"

She follows Christian into the private dining room, and the negotiations commence. But not before an appetizer of raw oysters is delivered, Christian not bothering to check that she's ever had one before - which she hasn't. 

"'Really? Well. All you do is tip and swallow. I think you can manage that.' I stare pointedly at her mouth, remembering how well she can swallow." -- eesh.

"'So I don't chew it?'

'No, Anastasia, you don't.' And I try not to think about her teeth toying with my favorite part of my anatomy." 

The negotiations are difficult to talk about here because it's honestly just pages of ridiculous shit and I can't possibly include it all, no matter how much I'd like to. But, as if Christian was reading my mind during the last chapter, he offers this explanation of 'ownership'.

"'The ownership thing, that's just terminology and goes back to the principle of obeying. It's to get you into the right frame of mind, to understand where I'm coming from. And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that, and willingly. That's why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, anytime, any way I want - anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me.'" -- I honestly think that EL James just doesn't know how words work. Instead of using the word "ownership" when apparently that isn't what you mean, maybe just take the extra time to explain things. I can't suspend my disbelief enough to be convinced that a guy who somehow built a multi-billion dollar empire uses words for abstract effect, and not their actual definition. Flimsy verbiage is how contracts fail, Christian. As a businessman, you should know that.

After some uncomfortable sexual tension, with Christian trying to persuade her to be his Sub because she'll never have to think again ("All those decisions - all the wearying thought processes behind them. The 'Is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now?' You wouldn't have to worry about any of that detail."), EL James reminds us all why it's just a shitty idea to mix food and sex.

"I implore her with a look. But her eyes glint with sensual disobedience (the fuck does this look like????) and a smile that lifts her lips (well it'd be pretty fucking weird if her smile made her frown, wouldn't it?). Still holding my stare, she picks up an asparagus spear and deliberately bites her lip (no, no, no, no). 

What is she doing?

Very slowly, she places the tip of the spear in her mouth and sucks it.

....

I watch, mesmerized, hardening by the second."

RIP asparagus. Jesse Garon would be proud.

And finally, for the second time in this whole series I've ever been proud of Ana, she decides to leave. Christian has been trying to use sex as a weapon this whole chapter ("Christian, you use sex as a weapon. It really isn't fair." -- see?) and she's got her wits about her enough to get the fuck out. 

"''I could make you stay,' I tell her, knowing that I could seduce her right now, in this room.

'Yes, you could easily, but I don't want you to.'"

There are more pathetic attempts by Christian to make her stay, all of which she refuses, so he finally concedes and has her car brought to the door. She drives a VW Beetle that has probably seen better days, but she's a fucking college student, what do you expect? 

"She tries to reassure me. 'Okay, she's old. But she's mine, and she's roadworthy. My stepdad bought it for me.'

When I suggest that we could do better than this she realizes what I'm offering and her expression changes immediately.

She's mad.

'You are not buying me a car,' she says emphatically." -- well too fucking bad, Ana, because not only is he going to buy you a new fucking car, but he's going to SELL THIS ONE WITHOUT BOTHERING TO ASK YOU FIRST.

She drives off, and as predicted Christian emails Taylor (his butler? bodyguard? manny? who knows) and says he needs the Audi delivered there tomorrow. Maybe it's me, but I'm sure she'd be much less angry if he bought her a normal person's car? Like get her a fucking Honda, jesus. 

He then fires off 2 emails and a text, asking if she got home okay, none of which she responds to, and we're left with a final thought from Christian.

"You've really fucked up this deal, Grey."

This is how I imagine Christian's contemplative face.

Chapter 10 "baby" count: 3

Total "baby" count: 45

Grey: Chapter 9

Or, Tuesday, May 24, 2011.

I've been meaning to write this since yesterday morning. This page has literally been open on my laptop for 34 hours,and I've been trying to muster the energy to really get into this. We're moving on to the contract chapter, which contains large excerpts of Christian's Submissive Contract and Ana's thoughts on it. Rather than lay out the entire contract here (we're not getting any younger, after all), I thought I would just do a little comparison. I'll first list all of the issues I have with the contract, and then I'll let you guys know how Ana feels about everything. The first six or so provisions are pretty basic, all explaining that any changes, additions, etc. have to be agreed upon in writing.

Section 13, under the AVAILABILITY subheading reads a little something like this:
"The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive's rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above."

I'm going to highlight my major issues with this contract. The first issue I have should be fairly obvious, but in case it isn't let me explain exactly what is happening here. This is a consensual contract (supposedly - he does get her drunk to make her more amenable). Therefore, this should also be a consensual relationship. Clauses 2-5 are as follows: 2. Contract allows Submissive to safely explore her sensuality. 3. Both parties acknowledge that everything that occurs under the terms of this contract is consensual, provided limits are respected. 4. We really shouldn't give each other any STIs. Really. 5. Adherence to the above is fundamental to the contract. Clause 8 explains that if the Dominant crosses lines or ignores safety, the contract is void. Here's my problem. The Submissive can only request to terminate the relationship. The Dominant can refuse this request. The only time Ana can terminate the relationship, no questions asked, is if Christian blatantly violates the terms and limits of the contract. Otherwise, Christian can effectively hold Ana against her will for the duration of the contract if he feels that her reason for wanting to end the relationship isn't "good enough."

Section 15.2: "The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise."

Am I totally out of line for wanting an explanation here? If you've read the series or watched the movie, it would have been apparent that even in punishing Ana, Christian is being sexually gratified. I wonder then, what he could deem necessary that would fall into the "or otherwise" category.

Section 15.5: ".... The Dominant may flog, spank, whip, or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide."

Uhm. Okay I guess I have a couple issues here, with the largest issue being highlighted. Including the phrase "for his own personal enjoyment" literally opens up the Submissive to serious abuse. What would happen to a guy who beat the shit out of his girlfriend because he wanted to? (Statistically, nothing, I know, but go with me here). The situation would be called domestic abuse because that's what it is. If Christian can beat Ana to hell and back because someone cut him off in traffic, something is seriously wrong. And to make matters worse, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TELL HER WHY HE'S HITTING HER. The contract moves on to 15.6 and explains that no permanent marks can be left and he can't hospitalize her (how kind), but regardless, this should raise some major red flags. If Christian wants a punching bag, we all know he has the money to go buy one.

Ana's complaints span a couple pages, but aren't anywhere close to what we would hope they'd be. I do, however, give her credit for taking the same issue with Section 15.5 that I did. Most of her issues are understandable - Christian dictating how many hours of sleep she gets, only being able to eat from a prescribed list of food, etc. - but she doesn't take issue with much of the more problematic verbiage. Some examples of her concerns include:

8: I can terminate at any time if I don't think you're sticking to the agreed limits. Okay - I like this.
9: Obey you in all things? Accept without hesitation your discipline? We need to talk about this.
15.19: Touching myself without your permission. What's the problem with this? You know I don't do it anyway. -- oh, Ana. you poor, deprived soul.
15.22: I can't look into your eyes? Why?
Sleep: I'll agree to six hours.
Food: I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food list goes or I do - deal breaker. -- of all the things, THIS is the deal breaker?

When Christian is finished reading her proposal, he is relieved that she is taking this contract so seriously (it's like she's aware that it surrenders 100% control of her life to him or something).
"Her response is a relief. Miss Steele has put some thought into this, more so than anyone else I've dealt with over this contract. ... She seems to be taking it seriously and we'll have much to discuss on Wednesday." -- suddenly Christian has forgotten that until 4 days ago, Ana had barely even kissed a guy before and he's surprised that she has so many questions. How did this guy get so rich while lacking so much common sense?

He responds to her email and tells her to go to bed (she needs 8 hours if she wants to be his property).
"GO TO BED ANASTASIA.

Christian Grey
CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

A few minutes pass and once I'm convinced she's gone to bed, persuaded by my capital letters, I head into my bedroom." -- yep, that's right. she was convinced by your skillful use of caps lock. bravo.

Christian goes to bed, but can't sleep because he keeps thinking about Ana (what about your 8 hours a night, huh?). He's concerned that Ana has unrealistic expectations about their relationship (gosh, I WONDER WHY) and wants to set the record straight. And, in true Christian fashion, he chooses to do so in the most condescending way possible.

"Dear Miss Steele,
Following my thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive." -- THAT'S RIGHT! He feels the need to write the entire dictionary definition of 'submissive' to ensure that Ana knows what he's talking about. I understand that maybe we don't think Ana is the sharpest knife in the box, but Christian is acting like a petulant, pedantic, 12-year-old, trying to prove he's better than the other 7th graders.

The email conversation goes back and forth with not a lot of substance. Ana counters his definition of 'submissive' with her own definition of 'compromise'. And for some bizarre reason, they change the subject of the email every time one of them replies, which is unrealistic at best. The email subjects they go through include:
C: "Issues"
A: "Burning the Midnight Oil"
C: "Stop Burning the Midnight Oil" (his very persuasive caps lock email)
C: "Your Issues" (when he offers her the definition of 'submissive')
A: "My Issues... What about Your Issues" (her definition of compromise)
C: "What about My Issues?" (Christian wants to pick Ana up for their meeting the next day)
A: "2011 - Women Can Drive" (Ana wants to drive to their meeting)
C: "Stubborn Young Woman" (Christian refers to his definition and still wants to pick her up - "Do you ever think you'll be able to do what you're told?)
A: "Intractable Men" (Ana wants to drive. Please.)
C: "Exasperated Men" (Fine.)
A: "Not So Intractable Men" (Thanks)

Ana signs her last email as follows: "Ana x" - Christian's reaction is troubling, given that he just went through all the trouble to further elucidate the terms of their relationship.
"And I'm rewarded with a kiss. Ignoring how that makes me feel, I let her know that she's welcome. My mood has lifted as I head to the hotel gym.
She sent me a kiss..."

There's no "baby" count this time. We remain at 42.

Sorry for the lack of humor in this post. So much of this chapter was so wrong. Hopefully I get my groove back with the next chapter. <3

Grey: Chapter 8

Or, Monday, May 23, 2011.

It's been a whole twelve hours since Christian purchased Ana a sickeningly expensive laptop (because she's a senior in college and has managed to go her entire education without a computer of her own) and had an email account set up for her. All without getting her permission or even bothering to inform her. He sent her an email at the end of the last chapter and told her that he was looking forward to dinner on Wednesday and that he hopes she puts the laptop to good use with her research.

At 8:20 that morning, Christian receives an email from Ana, irritated that he would buy a computer for her. Unfortunately for her, she addresses him as "Sir," so any actual substance the email had was lost on Christian, who becomes enraptured with her word choice.
"'Sir' with a capital S; the girl has been reading, and possibly researching. And she's still talking to me. I grin stupidly at the e-mail. This is good news. Though she is also telling me that she doesn't want the computer.
Well, that's frustrating. 
I shake my head, amused." 

He informs her in a response that the computer is on loan indefinitely, and her reply is befuddling.
"I have many questions, but not suitable for e-mail, and some of us have to work for a living.
I do not want or need a computer indefinitely..." -- it continues, but what I'm really trying to get at here is that a 22 year old college student seems to think that in the year of our Lord 2011, she will be able to do literally anything required of her without a computer. Ana must be incredibly special, to never have to check her bank account. Or apply for jobs. Or look up directions. And yes, I am fully aware that all of those things are possible without a computer - except for, in many cases, applying for jobs - but as Ana couldn't remember to bring a pen to her interview with Christian, you'll forgive me for doubting her ability to navigate a checkbook or read a map.

Additionally, Ana has said before that she uses the computers at her school's library to do her research and shit but eventually, even Ana has to graduate. And then, she'll be left at the mercy of public library computers. I don't know about you, but if I need directions somewhere, I'm not really in the habit of driving out of my way to go get them. And for those of you curious about why I don't suggest she use her phone for all of this,

this is why.

After an obnoxious amount of pointless emails - the more obnoxious version of "no you hang up" "no you hang up" - Christian gets ready to go for a run. But first, he has to send a very important email to Ana that could absolutely never be misconstrued to seem like he cares about her more than he actually does. 

"Dear Miss Steele,

I do hope you had a good day at work." -- okay I know it's not steamy and romantic or anything like that but consider for a second the way this comes across to a girl who has never had a boyfriend or any real romantic connection at all. I'm thinking about you. I care about how your day went. I want to make sure you know you're on my mind. If you don't want her to think this is a relationship, Christian, stop acting like you're pursuing one.

As the email conversation continues, Ana remarks that she isn't quite sure how to start her research - something I assume EL James can relate to. She emails Christian, inquiring as to where she should begin, and he responds with:

"Miss Steele,

Always start with Wikipedia."

Now, I'm going to ignore the fact that a girl who has managed to make it through nearly 4 years of college has no idea how to begin researching a subject. What just tickles me here is that Christian tells her to start with Wikipedia. I'm gonna go off on a quick tangent and tell you guys a story. When I was first reading Fifty Shades of Grey, during one of the abundant sex scenes, Christian mentioned something called a "spreader bar." I had no idea what that was, so I took to Google. Obviously, the first link to come up was for Wikipedia, so I opened it and started educating myself on much more than spreader  bars. As it turns out, entire descriptions that James included in her books come straight from the Wikipedia page I ended up on. So, here, Christian's suggestion is apt. Yes, Ana. Start with Wikipedia. That's what our author would do.

I see what you did there.

Eventually Ana has done enough research to send Christian this very cryptic email.

"Okay, I've seen enough.

It was nice knowing you." 

This sounds like a no, right? Like, 'ehhhh, I did your research and I'm not into what I saw so thanks for the crazy sex but this is not for me bye'? That's what I get out of it, and apparently, Christian comes to the same - albeit, more bewildering - conclusion.

"Shit!

I read it again.

Fuck.

It's a "no." I stare at the screen in disbelief.

....

I pull my laptop toward me to write a reply.

But as I stare at the screen, my fingers hover over the keys, I can't think of what to say.

How could she dismiss me so easily?

Her first fuck." -- but Christian, I thought this wasn't a relationship. I thought this was just sex. I thought tHERE WAS NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT WHICH SHOULD THEREFORE MAKE IT MORE THAN EASY TO FOR HER TO JUST CAST YOU ASIDE BECAUSE IT WAS JUST SEX RIGHT???? RIGHT???????? YOU DO NOT GET TO LAY DOWN THE TERMS OF A RELATIONSHIP AND THEN GET ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE FOLLOWS THEM.

Instead of responding via email, Christian decides to go to her apartment. Obviously.

"Maybe I should pay her a visit, just to make sure it's a "no." Maybe I can persuade her otherwise." -- who else remembers page 87 when Christian said "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You know that, don't you?" or just 4 pages later on page 91, when he says "You can leave anytime." Anyone? This poor girl never stood a fucking chance. It's pretty hard to say no to someone who can (and is more than willing to) use your age and lack of experience to manipulate you into saying yes. 

"Yep. I rub my chin as I formulate a plan, and moments later I'm in my closet, retrieving my tie.

That tie. 

This deal isn't dead yet. From my messenger bag I take some condoms and slide them into the back pocket of my pants, then grab my jacket and a bottle of white wine from the minibar." -- SHE. SAID. NO. And even though we're about to find out in a few pages that she was just playing around, for all intents and purposes, right now, the answer is NO. And instead of being a normal person and respecting her decision and leaving her the fuck alone, he plans to drive to her apartment, unannounced, and what? Fuck her into submission?

Dumbledore has had it with your shit, Christian.

And, as you can all probably guess, this is exactly what happens. Christian show's up at Ana's apartment and has her undressed in minutes. 

"Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me."

Ugh.

Christian shows her how nice it was knowing him, but then starts bringing up his ex-"girlfriends, slave, sub, whatever you call them," which we all know isn't going to go over well. Ana is clearly uncomfortable - sorry, Christian, but you can't just be like "yeah I can put you in touch with an old sub of mine if you want to talk to someone about this lifestyle" while also acting like you have romantic feelings for her and expect her to not be bothered by that - and naturally, Christian doesn't understand. So, in perhaps the only moment in the entire series that I've ever been proud of Anastasia Steele, she kicks him out. Tells him to leave. Finally puts on her big girl panties and takes control of her own life and the people in it. This only lasts for about 4 sentences, but please just let me have it.

In the car, Christian reflects on the evening's events.

"But I want her. I need her to sign. 

Is it just the chase? Is that what's turning me on? Or is it her?

Fuck, I don't know. But I hope to find out more on Wednesday. And on a positive note, that was one hell of a nice way to spend an evening. I smirk in the rearview mirror and pull into the garage at the hotel." -- we get it. her email was the first time you've ever heard the word 'nice' and now you can't stop saying it. 

He fires off one last email to Ana, expressing his anticipation for their totally-not-a-date-dinner on Wednesday, and starts catching up on work. 

The next chapter contains excerpts of the contract and Ana's issues with them, so I'm sure that will be just as enjoyable to read as this chapter was. This book is quickly losing it's ability to be laughingly clumsy and is instead becoming a huge source of irritation - hence the ratio reversal of reaction gifs to angry rants. Sorry, but I can't help it.

Chapter 8 "baby" count: 4

Total "baby" count: 42

Grey: Chapter 7

Or, Sunday, May 22, 2011

Honestly, these chapters are getting a little long. This book was much easier to handle when the chapters consisted of only 10 pages.

When we ended last time, our protagonists had just fallen asleep after an evening of incredible sex, despite the uncomfortable dialogue.

It's morning, and Christian has jolted awake with a feeling of deep foreboding.
"I wake with a start and a pervading sense of guilt, as if I've committed a terrible sin.
Is it because I've fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?"

Yeah, Christian. That's totally it.

"Ana sleeps the sound sleep of an innocent. Well, not so innocent now. My body stirs as I watch her.

I could wake her.

Fuck her again.

There are definitely some advantages to having her in my bed.

Grey. Stop this nonsense.

Fucking her was merely a means to an end and a pleasant distraction."

"The room is too full of Ana: her scent, the sound of her soft breathing, and the memory of my first vanilla fuck.

...

Miss Steele is a carnal creature.

She will be a joy to train.

My cock twitches in agreement."

Okay, I swear this is going to have some actual commentary, but there are really just some things you guys need to experience for yourselves. It's things like this that make me wonder how people who loved the original series feel about it now that we're seeing things from this incredibly warped and predatory perspective. That, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who wasn't expecting sentient genitalia.

Anyway, eventually, after some serious brooding and some even more serious pretentious banter ("'That was a beautiful piece. Bach?' 'Transcription by Bach, but it's originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.'" -- I'm sorry, but you will never convince me that Miss Anastasia Steele has such a skilled ear that she can hear a composer's influence in a TRANSCRIPTION. I call bullshit.), Christian falls asleep and wakes up to find he's slept late and Ana is no longer in his bed. He follows his nose to the kitchen. No, I'm not kidding.

"There's Ana. She's wearing my shirt, her hair in braids, dancing around to some music. Only I can't hear it. She's wearing earbuds. Unobserved, I take a seat at the kitchen counter and watch the show. She's whisking eggs, making breakfast, her braids bouncing as she jiggles from foot to foot, and I realize she's not wearing underwear.

Good girl."

"She has to be one of the most uncoordinated females I've ever seen. It's amusing, charming, and strangely arousing at the same time." -- at last, I understand how to attract a man.

"Sidling up to her, I gently tug one of her braids. 'I love these. They won't protect you.'" -- literally what the fuck does this mean. why does she need protecting? why on earth would hair ever be considered a protective material?

Ana serves breakfast and tells Christian she needs to be back home that evening. He's upset, but can't force her to stay because she hasn't signed his ever-elusive contract (and after she signs it he can apparently just hold her hostage, but hey. do you.). They argue briefly about food - she isn't hungry and he has an insatiable desire to make women do things they don't want to do - and then he has a revelation.

"As I watch her place a forkful of eggs in her mouth, I relax. She's quite challenging in her own way. And it's unique. I've never dealt with this. Yes. That's it. She's a novelty. That's the fascination... isn't it?" -- oh good, I thought for a second he was starting to think of her as an actual human being with thoughts and emotions. it's good to be reminded that she's neither important nor complex, but simply a novelty.

By the way:

Novelty Item: an object which is specifically designed to serve no practical purpose.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

Christian decides that the two of them should take a bath - to test Ana's oral skills. Again, I'm not kidding. 

"'Yes. Not my usual style. After I've done this, we'll take a bath.'

And I can test her oral skills." -- see?

In the bathroom, Ana has her arms wrapped around herself.

"She's shy.

It's arousing.

And to think she's never bathed with a man.

I can claim another first." -- taking her bath virginity is almost as magical as taking her sexual virginity. and just as imaginary.

Time for some more awkward dirty talk. Because no one gets tired of that, right?

"Lifting my hips, I grab my cock. 'I want you to become well acquainted, on first-name terms, if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this.'"  -- I see what you did there. Punny.

"Oh. Baby. That. Feels. Good." -- do people really talk like this?

"Yet another first, Miss Steele. Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let's go to bed. I owe you an orgasm." -- Christian's obsession with firsts is getting a little gross. And by a little, I obviously mean a lot. A lot gross.

Getting out of the bath, Christian naturally has only the most romantic things to say to her.

"Staring down into bemused eyes, I implore her. 'Say yes.'

'To what?' she whispers.

'Yes to our arrangement. To being mine. Please, Ana.'" -- literally you have not given her the contract yet she doesn't know what's in it, what you want her to do, what the terms of ANYTHING are she cannot consent right now why is this so difficult for you to understand.

By the way, she never answers his plea. Instead he just says "Trust me?" and proceeds to have his way with her. Page 127 and we do not have a contract.

Ana does trust him, as it turns out. And he's pleased. I think.

"Good. Beautiful. Girl." -- is she beautiful? or is her trust beautiful. also, are you calling her a good, beautiful girl, or are you just listing off adjectives that describe her like a toddler who can't construct full sentences?

We've had quite a few red flags at this point, but. 

"Gently I tug at her braids. 'You look so young with these.' But they're not going to stop me."

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Also, it's worth mentioning that he comments on how young those braids make her look more than once this chapter - three times, if I counted right. It's always in conjunction with a sexual comment, and when she finally agrees to be his submissive, he requires that she wear her hair in braids any time they're in his playroom. Seeing as she's only 22, she doesn't have a lot of wiggle room for looking younger before it becomes pedophilia. People love Christian. They love him. Many people wish he were real. Constant questions of "Where's my Christian Grey?" If you're lucky, he's in jail.

Back to the book:

They're leaving Christian's house to get Ana back to Portland, and for the second time, Ana asks if she can ask Kate's advice about sex. 

"'Talk to her if you must. Make sure she doesn't mention anything to Elliot -'

'Okay,' Ana says, and gives me a bright smile.

'The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this.'

'Stop all what?'

'You, defying me.'" -- ugh.

On the way back to Portland, Christian stops them at a restaurant. Ana, again, is not hungry, and Christian again, forces her to eat. The conversation is bland as can be. Ana has questions about the exact definition of 'vanilla sex' and why Christian has never had it until her. This is where we're all introduced to Elena, the friend of Christian's mother who seduced him and started him on this dark and twisted path (see? I can be melodramatic too). Talk shifts to the contract, which I'm assuming will happen sometime in the next 100 pages.

As Christian is dropping Ana off at her apartment, he reminds her to read the contract, and says they'll get together on Wednesday to discuss it.

"'Thank you for this weekend, Anastasia. It's been . . . the best.' She turns shining eyes to me. 'Wednesday?' I continue. 'I'll pick you up from work, from wherever?'

'Wednesday,' she says, and the hope in her voice is disconcerting.

Shit. It's not a date."

For constantly claiming "it's not a date," Christian has a funny way of showing it. Not even 2 whole pages ago, he launched into an 'I want you to love me' monologue and now he wants us to think he isn't interested in a relationship.

"Anastasia, you have to go with your gut. Do the research, read the contract. I'm happy to discuss any aspect. I'll be in Portland until Friday if you want to talk about it before then. Call me - maybe we can have dinner - say, Wednesday? I really want to make this work. In fact, I've never wanted anything as much as I want this."

Honestly, what is she supposed to think when he says this? He only comes out and explicitly says "I don't do romance" twice, and we've already passed both of those moments. Not once does he voice that that's still the way he feels, but somehow she's supposed to be able to read his italicized thoughts. Manipulation? No. Never. 

Chapter 7 "baby" count: 9

Total "baby" count: 38

Grey: Chapter 6

Or, Monday, May 21, 2011

I've been out of the blogging game for a few days, thanks to working a new retail job 9 hours a day. But here we are, with chapter 6, and good news! The "baby" count is back with a vengeance. This is the longest chapter so far, clocking in at 53 horrific pages (EL James, your editor has failed you and the world a million times over), and it includes our first sex scene. I'm not sure that I had fully prepared myself for what this book was going to bring into my life, but I must persevere. And then take a very long shower.

Our story begins in Christian's bedroom. It's about 2 hours after we left them, and Ana is still in her alcohol-induced coma in Christian's bed. Christian is extremely uncomfortable sleeping next to another person (WHAT IF SHE TOUCHES ME OHHHHMYGOD), but bites the bullet because it means he gets to do this:
"For seconds, minutes, hours, I don't know, I watch her. And while she sleeps, I survey every beautiful inch of her lovely face. Her dark lashes fluttering while she sleeps (DO I NEED TO PUT THE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR GIF AGAIN I THINK I DO)

(thank you for indulging me, back to Christian), her lips slightly parted so I glimpse her even white teeth. She mutters something unintelligible and her tongue darts out and licks her lips. It's arousing, very arousing."

Men getting aroused by unconscious women. Hot.

Discomfort aside, has anyone ever actually witnessed someone sleeping and seen their tongue "dart" out of their mouth? She's not a lizard, she's a sleeping person.

I'm introducing a new game with this post, regarding Christian's sentient genitalia. Much like Ana's inner goddess, Christian's dick seems have its own mind, and apparently deserves its own narration - though I'll warn you now, it doesn't usually make any sense.

"I have never slept with a woman. I've fuck many, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees."

Sure, Christian. Sure. Blame your dick instead of acknowledging that it's only responding to your thoughts. Classic Christian.

Once he gets his dick in line, he brings a glass of orange juice into his room so that she'll be greeted by room temperature citrus when she wakes up. *romance* 

"She's still asleep when I enter, her hair a riot of mahogany spread across her pillow, and the covers have slipped below her waist. Her T-shirt has ridden up, exposing her belly and her navel. The sight stirs my body once more."

"With one last lingering look at Anastasia Steele - the first woman I've ever slept with - I head out for my run."

Christian gets back from his run and Ana is awake, and understandably concerned.

"She pales as I saunter into the room.

Keep it casual, Grey. You don't want to be charged with kidnapping."

Christian scolds Ana for getting so drunk, as we all knew he would, and then a couple things happen. The first is pretty standard "wow are you actually saying this to a person you don't know?", however the second, I genuinely do not have words for.

"'Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.'" -- okay, this is weird, but pretty much what we've come to expect.

"An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by judicious use of a belt or strap. Yeah... That would teach her not to be so irresponsible. The thought is hugely arousing."

Go ahead. Read that again. I'll wait.

I have so many questions. Is the ginger root a metaphor? Like does it mean something? He literally has AN ENTIRE ROOM of things that are safe to insert into various bodily cavities but he chooses this?????

ALSO have you ever tried to peel ginger? Would he make her peel her own ginger the same way some people are forced to dig their own graves? And why would you just waste ginger like that? I really can't get past this. I'm so concerned. Has he done this to other women with other roots or vegetables? 

Okay. I have to move on otherwise we'll be here forever and I'll just spiral further into my distress over the ginger root. 

Wait, one more thing. Someone told EL James that "ginger root" is one word, and I don't know why. 

Okay, I'm done.

After they've both had a shower and are sitting down for breakfast, talk quickly turns to their relationship and Edward's - er, Christian's - inability to stay away from Ana. See what I did there? Ha.

"I don't do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me. There's something about you, though, and I'm finding it impossible to stay away." -- translation: try to stay away from me all you want but I'll always find you. .*romance*

She decides to get a little tough about it, challenging his warning, with a very succinct (and wayyyy too effective) "Enlighten me, then." "Her words travel straight to my cock." -- I feel like this just happened in the last chapter. I very distinctly remember being under the impression that Christian's dick has ears.

Eventually Ana has to go home - you know, because she has a job and stuff - and Christian decides to drive her there. In the elevator, things heat up as Christian discards his non-disclosure agreement requirement ("Oh, fuck the paperwork.") and, in his words, "jumps her." This encounter is over as quickly as it began and soon they're in the car, Ana marveling at the fact that Christian enjoys classical music.

When he drops Ana off, he also picks Elliot up, as he spent the night with Kate. The two of them go hiking again and as Elliot is talking, Christian is thinking about Ana.

"I picture her sleeping beside me, soft and small . . .  and my cock twitches with expectation. I could have woken her and fucked her then - what a novelty that would have been.

I'll fuck her in time.

I'll fuck her bound and with her smart mouth gagged." 

Please stop.

He finally picks Ana up from work so he can show her his "lifestyle" - I'm not even going to comment on the fact that he was waiting outside her job for hours. They are driven to a helipad, from which Christian will fly them to Seattle. After remarking that she cannot escape (creepy), he tells her that he quite likes the harness she's in.

"I want to tell her I have others, in leather, in which I'd like to see her trussed and suspended from the ceiling." -- this guy has no chill whatsoever.

Ana is feeling dubious about being in a helicopter piloted by a guy she barely knows, but Christian is very reassuring.

"'You're safe with me,' I reassure her (see?), and add, 'Well, while we're flying.'" -- finally, an accurate portrayal of their relationship.

They arrive at Christian's building, and EL can't help but throw in more uncomfortable genital references.

"'Looks good, doesn't it?' I ask, so that she'll turn and I can see her face. She does, with a huge cock-tightening grin." -- really? reeeeeally?? rEEEEAAAALLLYYYYYYY?

Once inside, the negotiations begin. Christian shows Ana his playroom, she is uncomfortable. He shows her the rules, she is uncomfortable. He asks her what she hasn't liked when she's had sex in the past and.... she's a virgin????

This next bit is gonna be kind of a long excerpt from the book, but I feel like to not include it in its entirety would be doing the ridiculousness of it a disservice.

"'Well, I've not had sex before, so I don't know,' she whispers.

The earth stops spinning.

I don't fucking believe it.

How?

Why? 

Fuck!

'Never?' I'm incredulous.

She shakes her head, eyes wide.

'You're a virgin?' I don't believe it.

She nods, embarrassed. I close my eyes. I can't look at her.

How the hell did I get this so wrong?

Anger lances through me. What can I do with a virgin? I glare at her as fury surges through my body.

'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?' I growl, and start pacing my study. What do I want with a virgin? She shrugs apologetically, at a loss for words.

'I don't understand why you didn't tell me.' The exasperation is clear in my voice.

'The subject never came up,' she says. 'I'm not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to everyone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.'

....

A startling thought occurs to me - our one kiss in the elevator, where I could have fucked her there and then - was that her first kiss?

'Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?' Please say yes.

'Of course I have.' She looks offended. Yeah, she's been kissed, but not often. And for some reason the thought is . . . pleasing.

'And a nice young man hasn't swept you off your feet? I just don't understand. You're twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You're beautiful.' Why hasn't some guy taken her to bed?

Shit, maybe she's religious."

His panicking continues for another full page, constantly berating her because HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE THE SEX OHMYGOD, before finally deciding that he's going to take one for the team and rectify the situation - break her in, as he says. Ugh.

So here we are. The first sex scene of the book. Everything progresses in a fairly standard way, with awkward and clumsy dialogue sprinkled in (for comedic effect, I assume).

"Oh, Ana. You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want to kiss every single inch of it."

"Mmm, I like brunettes."

"You're very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can't wait to be inside you." -- weird???

"I'm going to make you come like a freight train, baby."

"Don't worry. You expand too." -- literally the least sexy thing you could say to someone in this moment.

"Between each thrust I utter one word. 'You. Are. So. Sweet. I. Want. You. So. Much. You. Are. Mine.'" -- I feel like this is incredibly unnecessary, but hey. Do you. Also, I think it's worth mentioning that he also said "You. Are. So. Sweet." during the incident in the elevator, just 20 pages earlier. Maybe EL thought no one would notice.

EL's sex scenes read like any erotic fanfiction anywhere on the internet. Bizarre dialogue excepted, the entire endeavor doesn't really translate as pleasurable, so much as routine. But, the chapter ends with each of our protagonists having violent orgasms, so I guess the weird dirty talk worked. 

Chapter 6 "baby" count: 20

Total "baby" count: 29