I know I said in my last post that I'd be starting a new book called Rudolph, but as I started writing it, it just wasn't as much fun as I wanted it to be. With that said, we're going to skip that book for now and go straight into ELJ's original Fifty Shades trilogy, beginning with Fifty Shades of Grey. This series is told from Ana's perspective, which usually provides for more humor and less horror than being inside Christian's head. Usually.
And so, without further ado, I present to you, Fifty Shades of Grey.
Chapter 1.
"I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair - it just won't behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. (foreshadowing, perhaps? he does sort of brush her with a whip thing in the movie...) I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope I look semi-presentable." -- isn't it interesting how Ana talks about her hair the same way Christian talks about Ana?
As we're all aware, Katherine Kavanagh is Ana's roommate, and "has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu." Ana, clearly, is the kind and compassionate roommate with whom everyone hopes to live. Ana continues to be an ungrateful harpy about doing a very nice thing for her very sick friend ("I have final exams to cram for and one essay to finish, and I'm supposed to be working this afternoon, but no - today I have to drive 165 miles to downtown Seattle..." -- honestly, do you complain to your friends like this? Why does Jose have a thing for you? You're horrible.), even though Kate is remarkably apologetic.
"'Ana, I'm sorry. It took me nine months to get this interview. It will take another six to reschedule, and we'll both have graduated by then. As the editor, I can't blow this off. Please,' Kate begs me in her rasping, sore throat voice. How does she do it? Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blond hair in place and green eyes bright, although now red rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy." -- yes, Ana. Good. Ignore all feelings that make you seem like a decent person. It makes it much easier for me.
In the car, Ana reflects on the drive.
"Fortunately, Kate has lent me her sporty Mercedes CLK. I'm not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time. Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I hit the pedal to the metal." -- Merc? You say Merc? Does anyone say Merc? I feel like shortening the name totally devalues the fact that it's a Mercedes. Also, it's an ugly car.
In the lobby of Christian's building, Ana is overwhelmed by all the steel and glass and sandstone ("I walk into the enormous - and frankly intimidating - glass, steel, and white sandstone lobby."). And also by the professional-looking receptionist.
"I'm beginning to wish I'd borrowed one of Kate's formal blazers rather than worn my navy-blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots, and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart." -- See, Ana. This shit is why you forgot to bring a fucking pen to the interview. And why you work at a fucking hardware store. You have no idea how to be professional. For fuck's sake, you want to work in publishing. In an office. With people. And clients. Open a fucking magazine once in a while.
Christian's receptionist helps Ana check in and directs her to an elevator. While waiting, Ana notices that the two security guards are dressed much more smartly than she is, as they're both wearing suits. She then steps into the elevator.
"The elevator whisks me at terminal velocity to the twentieth floor." -- does it? at terminal velocity? that's a term generally reserved for objects that are falling through space, but okay.
Once in the lobby, Ana is seated in a leather-clad chair. She's nervous and overwhelmed by the construction of the building again.
"To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass-and-stone edifice."
Ana continues to focus on the appearance of the building and Christian's receptionists (wondering if he requires that they all be blonde, and if that's legal... not that legality really matters to Christian, but I'm getting ahead of myself). Finally, Blonde Number Two (as Ana calls her) summons Ana into Christian's office.
"Gathering up my backpack, I abandon my glass of water and make my way to the partially open door.
'You don't need to knock - just go in.' She smiles kindly.
I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office.
Double crap - me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey's office, and gentle hands are around me, helping me to stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow - he's so young." -- Ahh, yes. The "double crap." The second highest level of crap, right before "triple crap." Unless there's a "quadruple crap" that I've forgotten about, but I don't think so. Also, why has no one giffed Dakota Johnson's ridiculous fall into Jamie Dornan's office yet??
Thanks to his incompetent assistants, Christian thinks Ana is Kate.
"'Miss Kavanagh.' He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I'm upright."
Thank you, Supernatural, for having a gif for everything.
Ana looks at Christian, somehow able to take her eyes off of fingers so long that they require commenting on, and is dazed. She begins to tell him that Kate is ill, but gets distracted when she shakes his hand.
"As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate."
IT LIVES
She goes on to introduce herself and explain that she's studying English Lit with Kate. Even though Kate is a Journalism student. Whatever. Christian invites her to sit, and she is once again preoccupied with the construction of his office. After silently critiquing Christian's design aesthetic, she begins to set up her recorder. This takes an extraordinarily long time, and she gets clumsier the longer it goes on.
"When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he's watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips." -- is it really that noticeable? like. does the index finger stick out from his hand like a fucking aye aye? because that's what I imagine. and it does not make for an attractive man.
It's not fucking pretty, is it?
Ana asks Christian if she can record the interview, even though she's just spent the better part of a page setting things up, and we commence with perhaps the most awkward conversation the entire series has to offer. Asking the most obvious question for a millionaire (To what do you attribute your success?), Ana doesn't like the answer Christian gives and suggests that he's just lucky - which, by the way, is super rude, and you can bet your ass that Kate would have more respect for someone who is taking the time out of his day to talk to her. She then calls him a control freak, to which Christian responds, "Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele."
"I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassive. My heartbeat quickens, and my face flushes again.
Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he'd stop doing that." -- and we all wish you'd stop mentioning his freakish fingers, but we can't all get what we want.
The interview continues to get worse, with Ana asking Christian if he's gay, which we all know he is not. She laments not employing a filter when reading the questions, but I feel like if she had simply looked them over even once beforehand, she wouldn't be having any of these problems. Unfortunately, Ana doesn't know how to hold her own, even one on one, so the interview soon flips, and Christian is asking the questions - all of which she should be able to answer, none of which she really can.
"'What are your plans after you graduate?'
I shrug, thrown by his interest. Move to Seattle with Kate, find a job. I haven't really thought beyond my finals.
'I haven't made any plans, Mr. Grey. I just need to gt through my final exams.' Which I should be studying for right now, rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile office, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze."
Somehow, after sitting with Ana for something like 20 minutes and witnessing her fumble around, both verbally and physically, Christian decides she might be a good fit at his company.
"'We run an excellent internship program here,' he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Is he offering me a job?
'Oh. I'll bear that in mind,' I murmur, confounded. 'Though I'm not sure I'd fit in here.' Oh no. I'm musing out loud again.
'Why do you say that?' He tilts his head to one side, intrigued, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
'It's obvious, isn't it?' I'm uncoordinated, scruffy, and I'm not blonde.
'Not to me.' His gaze is intense, all humor gone, and strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly." -- BREAKING: Ana has discovered her sex drive.
Ana is suddenly very uncomfortable, and decides to leave, even as Christian asks if he can show her around. She mentions that she has a very long drive and is bewildered when he demands that she drive carefully. As she's leaving, Christian bids her farewell.
"'Until we meet again, Miss Steele.' And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I'm not sure which. I frown. When will we ever meet again?" -- oh, Ana. you have no idea. also, aside from stalking you, he did just tell you that he's speaking at your commencement ceremony. that's why you're interviewing him. so yeah, you're going to see him again.
Christian opens the door for Ana and makes a snide remark about how he wants to make sure she actually makes it out of his office without injury, which makes Ana blush. Because you know - when a boy makes fun of you, that means he likes you. In the lobby, Christian gets Ana's jacket.
"He holds it up and, feeling ridiculously self-conscious, I shrug it on. Grey places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact. If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away. His long index finger presses the button summoning the elevator." -- there's an Amazon review that says there are 7 references in total to Christian's abnormal index finger, and chapter one contains 4 of them. I'm not entirely convinced there aren't more.
Finally, the elevator arrives.
"I hurry in, desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When I turn to look at him, he's gazing at me and leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very, good-looking. It's unnerving.
'Anastasia,' he says as farewell.
'Christian,' I reply. And mercifully, the doors close."
Annnnnd that's chapter one, everybody! It's likely I may start an "inner goddess" count, complete with her many actions, as soon as she makes an appearance.
No comments:
Post a Comment