Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 7 & 8

CHAPTER 7

Ana enters Christian's playroom and is in shock. She isn't sure where to focus, as there are so many strange and foreign things. She spends two paragraphs on shackles and paddles and whips, and then comes to rest on the bed.
"But what dominates the room is a bed. It's bigger than king sized, an ornately rococo four-poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding . . . just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end." -- this sounds like the most uncomfortable bed in existence. god, you would just stick to it. or slide around awkwardly, if you're sweaty. how is this practical? Also, Ana is an English major, not a furniture appraiser. And though Christian has eclectic style, I doubt the bed he has clad in leather is 200 years old. 

Ana asks Christian what the room is for - because it isn't immediately apparent - and suggests that he's a sadist.
"'I'm a Dominant.' His eyes are scorching gray, intense. (this is not a real thing.)
'What does that mean?' I whisper.
'It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.'
I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea.
'Why would I do that?'
'To please me,' he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile.
Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that's exactly what I want to do." -- it really was too easy with Ana. she can't be sexually selfish because she doesn't know what pleasure is. good job, Christian.

He explains how everything works in vague terms - there are rules and she needs to follow them and he will be joyous. Amazing. 

"'Okay, and what do I get out of this?'

He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.

'Me,' he says simply.

Oh my. Christian rakes his hand through his hair as he gazes at me.

'You're not giving anything away, Anastasia,' he murmurs, exasperated. 'Let's go back downstairs where I can concentrate better. It's very distracting to have you in here.' He holds his hand out to me, and now I'm hesitant to take it.

Kate had said he was dangerous; she was so right. How did she know? He's dangerous to my health, because I know I'm going to say yes."

He leads her downstairs and tells her to sit. She asks him about the paperwork he'd mentioned earlier, and he tells her about the contract, and its purpose (he needs to know her limits, she needs to know his, I'm pretty sure that's it, actually. I doubt we need a full document for this). Christian tells her that if they don't have this kind of relationship, they'll have no relationship at all. Ana is perplexed.
"'Why?'
'This is the only sort of relationship I'm interested in.'
'Why?'
He shrugs. 'It's the way I am.'
'How did you become this way?'
'Why is anyone the way they are? That's kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?'" -- this is the biggest cop-out ever. "why is anyone the way the are?" that's very philosophical and not even close to an acceptable answer. also, why are you deflecting to dairy products? focus, Christian.

He finally gets his shit together and takes her to his study to give her a copy of the rules and to talk about them. Ana puts up a fight about being given money for clothes (whyyyy????) and she doesn't want to exercise 4 days a week. They agree on 3. Christian hands Ana his list of hard limits, and asks her if there's anything she'd like to add.
"'Is there anything you won't do?'
'I don't know.'
'What do you mean you don't know?'
I squirm uncomfortably and bite my lip.
'I've never done anything like this.'
'Well, when you've had sex, was there anything that you didn't like doing?'
For the first time in what seems like ages, I blush.
'You can tell me, Anastasia. We have to be honest with each other or this isn't going to work.'
I squirm uncomfortably again and stare at my knotted fingers.
'Tell me,' he commands.
'Well . . . I haven't had sex before, so I don't know.' My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he's gaping at me, frozen, and pale - really pale.
'Never?' he whispers. I shake my head.
'You're a virgin?' he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he's angry, glaring at me.
'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?' he growls." -- oh, I don't know, Christian. maybe because she's known you for a week and you guys haven't talked about more than how she likes her tea. oh, and cheese.

CHAPTER 8

Christian is having some kind of internal crisis at the news that Ana is a virgin: on the one hand, he's furious but on the other (as we all know from Grey), he's extremely pleased that she hasn't been tainted ("At least I don't have to worry about every dick she's slept with.").
"'I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!' He says it like it's a really dirty word. 'Hell, Ana,  just showed you . . .' he groans. 'May God forgive me. Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?'
'Of course I have.' I try my best to look affronted. Okay . . . maybe twice." -- You can't blame him for asking, Ana. 4 days ago was the first time you ever held hands with a boy. We were all wondering.

Christian continues to be baffled.
"'And you're seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.' His brows knit together. 'How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.'" -- Honestly, Christian, it's not that difficult. And let's be honest, there's like an 85% chance that she'd have been in for some serious disappointment if she hadn't avoided it.

"'Come,' he murmurs.

'What?'

'We're going to rectify the situation right now.'

'What do you mean? What situation?'

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now.'

'Oh.' The floor has fallen away. I'm a situation. (well yeah, Ana. you didn't think he actually considered you a real person, did you?)

........

'I thought you didn't make love. I though you fucked hard.' I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there." 

Christian pulls her into his arms and tells her how brave she is - which I don't fully understand because she's just horny, but whatever. He asks her to allow him to make love to her (eugh) and takes her to his bedroom.

"I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I'm going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey." -- I think it should be of some concern that she is still talking about sex like she's in junior high. 

Christian begins to strip and Ana makes every observation that a normal person would make under the circumstances. Except one.

"He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey's feet . . . wow . . . what is it about naked feet?" -- Nothing. There is absolutely nothing hot about naked feet. Also, I'd enjoy this scene much more if he had taken both socks off simultaneously. To get the imagery out of your head, have this gif of a dog wearing socks.

Christian continues to blow Ana's mind by not doing too much, and she talks about her vagina in strange terms.

"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There."

"Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth. Shit. I groan . . . how can I feel this there?" -- we get it, Ana. we do. we really do. also, a query: is he running his teeth along your instep or his tongue along his teeth? this is very important in how we read this scene.

After some fooling around, Christian pulls out a condom.

"He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no . . . Will it? How?

'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine. 'You expand, too.'" -- this is still not sexy. also the US sex education system has severely failed Miss Anastasia Steele.

Abstinence only, kids.

And now for the main event. 

"'Aargh!' I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity." --sorry, this was just too fucking hilarious to leave out.

When it's over - or, rather, when they're on a short break from "doing it" - Ana takes stock of what's happened.

"I stretch out beside him, feeling loose-limbed, my bones like jelly, but I'm relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can't stop grinning. Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms . . . coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow." -- this is a terrible analogy. if my washing machine was ripping my clothes apart at the seams, I'd be furious.

"'Open your mouth,' he commands, and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly." -- ELJ really is making this much too easy.

As we all know, they each have better orgasms than they deserve, and eventually Ana falls asleep. When she wakes up, Christian is gone, being sullen and mysterious on his piano. 

"I'm mesmerized, watching his long, skilled fingers as they find and gently press the keys, thinking how those same fingers have expertly handled and caressed my body. I flush and gasp at the memory and press my thighs together." 

They talk for a little while about the piano and how Christian has played since he was six. He explains that he doesn't sleep well and is not used to sleeping with anyone. They go back to the bedroom and Ana tries to touch his chest, but he steps out of her reach and tells her to get into bed. He puts on a shirt and climbs in next to her. 

"He clambers in beside me and pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me so that I'm facing away from him. He kisses my hair gently, and he inhales deeply.

'Sleep, sweet Anastasia,' he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can't help feel a residual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 6

"Christian opens the passenger-side door to the black Audi SUV, and I clamber in. It's a beast of a car. He hasn't mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn't happen? It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman."

Christian turns on some music - "The Flower Duet" by Delibes -  and Ana is extremely impressed. I don't know why. It's not like Christian is playing the music himself. She asks if he likes classical music and he explains that his taste is very eclectic ("Everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon"). Ana doesn't know who Thomas Tallis is, but Christian says he'll play it for her sometime. He's a sixteenth century British composer who wrote Tudor church music. I'm pretty sure there's a sensory deprivation sex scene later where he plays some of his stuff into headphones that Ana is wearing. Are you guys bored yet?

They arrive at Ana's duplex (honestly I always thought she lived in an apartment???? Oh. MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE ON PAGE 66 CHRISTIAN SAYS "I didn't want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your APARTMENT." AND THEN. RIGHT ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PAGE. NOT EVEN 6 SENTENCES BEFORE "HE PULLS UP OUTSIDE MY DUPLEX" IS THE SENTENCE "WE'RE ALMOST AT MY APARTMENT." LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK. GODDAMMIT ELJ STOP THIS MADNESS). 

I know, there's no lamb sauce. But you totally relate to this gif. Don't lie.

Christian drops Ana off at her duplex/apartment and Kate is there with Elliot. After Christian and Elliot leave, Kate wants to hear all about the previous night's events. 

"'So, did you?' Kate asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning curiosity evident in her voice.

'No,' I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apartment." -- LITERALLY WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE

"'Christian is taking me to Seattle this evening.'

'Seattle?'

'Yes.'

'Maybe you will then?'

'Oh, I hope so.'

'You like him, then?'

'Yes.'

'Like him enough to . . . ?'

'Yes.'

She raises her eyebrows.

'Wow. Ana Steele, finally falling for a man, and it's Christian Grey - hot, sexy billionaire.'

'Oh yeah - it's all about the money.' I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles." -- none of this was even kind of funny. what have these boys done to you?

Ana's shift at the hardware store drags on, and since it's mindless work, she's able to think too much.

"And on top of all the angst, I can barely contain my excitement or my nerves. Tonight's the night! After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She's been ready for this for years, and she's ready for anything with Christian Grey, but I still don't understand what he sees in me . . . mousey Ana Steele - it makes no sense." -- No, Ana. What makes no sense is that ELJ has written a character who can't even say the word "sex" without wanting to melt into the ground and is going to have her sign a non-disclosure contract (among other non-legally binding paperwork) before engaging in sexual experiences that she is absolutely not ready for based on the aforementioned fact that she CANNOT SAY SEX WITHOUT MUSTERING ALL HER COURAGE AND BLUSHING ABOUT IT LIKE A FIFTH GRADER

Ana exits Clatyon's and Christian is already waiting. She attributes it to his incredible punctuality, but we all know that's not what happened, because, again, I BLOGGED IT.

See?

So, as it says in the image above, Taylor brings them to a helipad and Christian proceeds to be weird.

"I hold my breath as he pulls at one of the upper straps.

'You're secure, no escaping,' he whispers. 'Breathe, Anastasia,' he adds softly. Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, running his long fingers down to my chin, which he grasps between his thumb and forefinger." -- okay, I'm calling it. there has officially been more than 7 references to Christian's weirdly long fingers and I don't like it. Unfortunately it's not going to get any better.

"It's pitch-black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we're going?

'Eerie, isn't it?' Christian's voice is in my ears.

'How do you know you're going the right way?'

'Here.' He points his long index finger at one of the gauges, and it shows an electronic compass." -- UNNECESSARY

As they're flying, Ana gets distracted by Christian's beauty.

"He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed - I'd like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn't shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm . . . I'd like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face." -- Please don't lick his face. You're not a cat. 

She asks how long the flight is, because she's having a hard time keeping it in her pants, and Christian tells her it'll be less than an hour.

"I have less than an hour before the big reveal. All the muscles clench deep in my belly. I have a serious case of butterflies. They are flourishing in my stomach. Holy shit, what has he got in store for me?" -- nothing until you sign that NDA, remember? paperwork, Ana. paperwork. 

After an agonizing helicopter ride, they finally arrive at Christian's apartment. Before Christian lets Ana out of the helicopter, he makes sure to tell her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't have to do. Which is crap, but fine. 

"'You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You know that, don't you?' His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.

'I'd never do anything I didn't want to do, Christian.' And as I say the words, I don't quite feel their conviction..." -- oh, no? is that because you've been doing shit you don't want to do literally the entire time we've been reading this book? Like on page 50 when you "peer unwillingly up at him"? Or at the beginning of the story when you bitched for an entire chapter about being forced to do the interview in the first place? You force yourself to do shit you're not willing to do all the time, so I don't know why I ever thought Christian would be any different. 

Once inside his apartment, Ana makes several observations that don't make any sense considering the man she's talking about.

"To the right is an imposing U-shaped sofa that could seat ten adults comfortably. It faces a state-of-the-art stainless-steel - or maybe platinum for all I know - modern fireplace. The fire is lit and flaming gently. On the left beside us, by the entryway, is the kitchen area. All white with dark wood worktops and a breakfast bar that seats six.

Near the kitchen area, in front of the glass wall, is a dining table surrounded by 16 chairs." -- For someone who doesn't socialize ever, and who, for all intents and purposes might as well hate other people, Christian has an awful lot of seating. He can fit 32 people in his apartment, just between his kitchen and living area, and that's not including standing room. For all the pretense that he's antisocial and deeply troubled, he must have some raging parties.

"'Can I take your jacket?' Christian asks. I shake my head. I'm still cold from the wind on the helipad.

'Would you like a drink?' he asks. I blink at him."

Christian gets them each a glass of wine while Ana considers how rich he must be. It makes her uncomfortable for all the wrong reasons. She notes the piano in the corner and asks if he plays. He does.

"He takes a sip of wine. He doesn't take his eyes off me. I feel them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. "Room" is the wrong word. It's not a room - it's a mission statement." -- I don't think I understand what you're going for here.

Christian asks her to sit, and it's awkward.

"'Why did you send me Tess of the d'Urbervilles specifically?' I ask. 

........

'It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d'Urberville,' he murmurs, and his eyes flash dark and dangerous.

'If there are only two choices, I'll take the debasement.' I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe." -- some people would call that an out-of-body experience, hun. also, in reference to Christian's weird eyes...

YOU. ARE. FUCKING. WELCOME.

Christian hands Ana his non-disclosure agreement which she signs without reading because, as she puts it, "I wouldn't talk about us to anyone anyway. So it's immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not." After signing, she asks Christian what I assume all new readers are wondering.

"'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?' Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.

'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. First, I don't make love. I fuck . . . hard. Second, there's a lot more paperwork to do. And third, you don't yet know what you're in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.'

My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so . . . hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified.

'You want to play on your Xbox?' I ask. He laughs loudly.

.........

Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath. 

'You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on standby to take you whenever you want to go; you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It's fine whatever you decide.'

'Just open the damn door, Christian.'

He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what's in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in.

And it feels like I've time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.

Holy fuck." -- Not to be pedantic, but the Spanish Inquisition was actually established in the fifteenth century. 

Many thanks to Monty Python

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 5

It's morning, and Ana is awakening from her liquor-induced coma. She isn't sure where she is at first, then recognizes the suite as being from the Heathman Hotel. Eventually she puts the pieces together and realizes shes in Christian's hotel room.
"I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything." -- hey, don't be a bitch about it. he didn't have to give you shit.

Ana takes the Advil and is startled by a knock at the door. It's Christian, obviously, as this is his room, just getting back from a run.
"Holy hell, he's been working out. He's in gray sweatpants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a gray sleeveless T-shirt which is dark with sweat, like his hair. Christian Grey's sweat; the notion does odd things to me." -- ew. also that's a lot of description to fit into one sentence.

Christian asks how Ana is feeling, and she answers "better than I deserve," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because one night of too much drinking does not make you undeserving of good things, but okay. She inquires as to how she got there - after she passed out, Christian didn't want to risk the leather in his car taking her all the way back to her apartment. After confirming that he also undressed her (so he could wash her disgusting jeans), she gets worried.
"'We didn't - ?' I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
'Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,' he says dryly." -- except he TOTALLY thought about it and I should know - I blogged it.

She comments that she didn't ask him to come get her, and neither of them would have to deal with whatever this is if he hadn't tracked her down in the first place. His response is the right one to give, even if it's not the truth. I know, Grey. I've been inside your head.

"'If I hadn't come to get you, you'd probably be waking up in the photographer's bed, and from what I can remember, you weren't overly enthused about him pressing his suit,' he says acidly.

Pressing his suit! I glance up at Christian. He's glaring at me, eyes blazing, aggrieved. I try to bite my lip, but I fail to repress my giggle.

'Which medieval chronicle did you escape from? You sound like a courtly knight.'

His mood visibly shifts. His eyes soften and his expression warms, and there's a trace of a smile on his lips.

'Anastasia, I don't think so. Dark knight, maybe.'"

"'You need to eat. That's why you were so ill. Honestly, it's drinking rule number one.' He runs his hand through his hair, and I know it's because he's exasperated. 

'Are you going to continue to scold me?'

'Is that what I'm doing?'

'I think so.'

'You're lucky I'm just scolding you.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.'" -- I appreciate where you're coming from, Christian, but she doesn't actually have any idea what you're talking about. Honestly, this sounds like you would beat her. And we know punishment is your thing, but she doesn't. Please stop threatening to hurt her.

"I scowl back at him. What is his problem? What's it to him? If I was his . . . Well, I'm not. Though maybe part of me would like to be. The thought pierces through the irritation I feel at his high-handed words. I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his." 

Okay I know it's not red but cut me some slack.

Christian goes to take a shower and Ana finally lets out the breath that she's been holding for what I'm assuming is 2 pages. Unfortunately, as quickly as Christian left, he returns. This time in a towel. Ana panics and runs into the bathroom to shower so she can avoid a nearly-naked Christian. 

"I reach for the body wash and it smells of him. It's a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that it's him - him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long-fingered hands." -- well. that pretty much ruined it for everyone.

After her shower, Ana finds a bag of clothes that Taylor got for her, since hers are being laundered. She exits the bedroom and wanders aimlessly into the rest of the suite, making more bizarre observations.

"There's an opulent, plush seating area, all overstuffed couches and soft cushions, an elaborate coffee table with a stack of large glossy books, a study area with the latest-generation iMac, and an enormous plasma screen TV on the wall. Christian is sitting at a dining table on the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court or something, not that I play tennis, though I have watched Kate a few times." -- First, why are you babbling like you're on an uncomfortable first date with the reader? Second, is the newspaper the size of a maybe tennis court? Of course I know it isn't but this is the kind of thing your editors should be thinking about, ELJ. 

They eat breakfast, and Ana notices that Christian remembers the way she takes her tea. (Page 42: "I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon. 'I like my tea black and weak,' I mutter as an explanation." -- for the record, that's barely even flavored water, let alone tea, you pretentious fuck.) She asks him why he sent her the books.

"'I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.' He runs his hand through his hair. 'Anastasia, I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of man . . . I don't do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me.' He closes his eyes as if in defeat. 'There's something about you, though, and I'm finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you've figured that out already.'" -- no, I mean, you only showed up at her job and then tracked her phone to show up at the bar she was at and now she's waking up in your hotel room. that's not weird at all. Also, "you should steer clear of me" and "I'm finding it impossible to stay away" are very conflicting things to say to a person in the same conversation. It's basically, "you can ignore me all you want. but we both know I can find you."

They talk a little bit about what Ana is doing over the next few days (working and packing, mostly), and Christian asks what she's going to do for work once she moves. She says that she's applied to a few internships (which are not jobs, by the way, as most of them don't pay you?????????), and Christian inquires as to whether she's applied with his company yet. Of course, she hasn't.

"'Are you smirking at me, Miss Steele?' He tilts his head to one side, and I think he looks amused, but it's hard to tell. I flush and glance down at my unfinished breakfast. I can't look him in the eye when he uses that tone of voice.

'I'd like to bite that lip,' he whispers darkly.

I gasp, completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip and my mouth pops open. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me." -- you first held hands with a boy 3 days ago. this is not a surprise.

Ana suggests that Christian should bite her lip, but he explains that he won't touch her until he has her written consent - which is not the sort of thing a potential sexual partner usually says to another person, but I guess that's okay. He says there are things he has to show her before she can agree to let him touch her, and she is eager to know, but Christian says she'll have to wait until either that evening or a night the following week.

"'Why can't you tell me now?'

'Because I'm enjoying my breakfast and your company. Once you're enlightened, you probably won't want to see me again.'

What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some godforsaken part of the planet?" -- I'm sorry. Does he what?

Ana decides that she wants to find out what's going on that night, so Christian arranges to fly her from work in Portland to Seattle. 

"'Taylor. I'm going to need Charlie Tango.'

Charlie Tango! Who's he?

'From Portland at, say, twenty thirty . . . No, standby at Escala . . . All night.'

All night!

'Yes. On call tomorrow morning. I'll pilot from Portland to Seattle.'

Pilot?

'Standby pilot from twenty-two thirty.' He puts the phone down. No please or thank you.

'Do people always do what you tell them?'

'Usually, if they want to keep their jobs,' he says, deadpan.

'And if they don't work for you?'

'Oh, I can be very persuasive, Anastasia. You should finish your breakfast. And then I'll drop you off at home. I'll pick you up at Clayton's at eight when you finish. We'll fly up to Seattle.'

I blink at him rapidly."

When Ana is done with her breakfast, Christian tells her he'll take her home once she's dried her hair because he doesn't want her to get sick. Ana agrees, and as she's getting up from the table, inquires as to where Christian slept the night before.

"'Where did you sleep last night?' I turn to gaze at him still sitting in the dining room chair. I can't see any blankets or sheets out here - perhaps he's had them tidied away.

'In my bed,' he says simply, his gaze impassive again.

'Oh.'

'Yes, it was quite a novelty for me, too.' He smiles.

'Not having . . . sex.' There - I said the word. I blush - of course. (YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORD WITHOUT BLUSHING YOU ARE AN ADULT AND NEED TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THE FIFTH GRADE)

'No.' He shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. 'Sleeping with someone' He picks up his newspaper and continues to read.

What in heaven's name does that mean? He's never slept with anyone? He's a virgin?" -- Ohmygod you really are stupid, aren't you? How have you made it through 21 years of life? How? HOW.

She goes into the bedroom and dries her hair. 

"I want to brush my teeth. I eye Christian's toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth." -- except that's not what it would be like at all do not do this.

They leave so Christian can drive Ana to work, and things get intense in the elevator.

"The elevator arrives, and we step in. We're alone. Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, possibly our proximity in such an enclosed space, the atmosphere between us changes, charged with an electric, exhilarating anticipation. My breathing alters as my heart races. His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.

'Oh, fuck the paperwork,' he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a viselike grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his hips. ..... I'm helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. His erection is against my belly. Oh my . . . He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, wants me, and I want him, here . . . now, in the elevator.

'You. Are. So. Sweet,' he murmurs, each word a staccato." -- does anyone talk like this????

"I glance up at him. He looks so cool and calm, like he's been doing the Seattle Times crossword. How unfair. Is he totally unaffected by my presence? He glances at me out of the corner of his eyes, and he gently blows out a deep breath. Oh, he's affected all right - and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba." 

Ohhhhkay, Ana.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 4

"Kiss me, damn it! I implore him, but I can't move. I'm paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need, completely captivated by him. I'm staring at Christian Grey's mouth, mesmerized, and he's looking down at me, his gaze hooded, his eyes darkening. He's breathing harder than usual, and I've stopped breathing altogether. I'm in your arms. Kiss me, please. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and gives me a small shake of his head as if in answer to my silent question. When he opens his eyes again, it's with some new purpose, a steely resolve.

'Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you,' he whispers. What? Where is this coming from? Surely I should be the judge of that. I frown, and my head swims with rejection."

Christian puts Ana back on her feet, and the world starts to crumble around her. She doesn't understand how she could have misread the situation so terribly. It's an easy mistake, Ana. Christian is a master manipulator and you've apparently never so much as held hands with a boy before. We forgive you. For now.
"'Thanks for the tea and doing the photo shoot,' I murmur.
'Anastasia . . . I . . .' He stops, and the anguish in his voice demands my attention, so I peer unwillingly up at him. His gray eyes are bleak as he runs his hand through his hair. He looks torn, frustrated, his expression stark, all his careful control has evaporated.
'What, Christian?' I snap irritably after he says . . . nothing. I just want to go. I need to take my fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health." -- good lord. it was just coffee right? the day after you met him? both of you are acting like your perfect 5 year relationship is falling apart at the seams. chill the fuck out.

Christian helplessly wishes Ana good luck on her exams, and she's livid. She sarcastically thanks him and turns to walk to the parking garage without giving him a second glance. Once in the garage though, she's much less composed, as she leans against the wall and sinks to the ground in tears. Really. As she's sobbing ridiculously, she notes that she's never been on the receiving end of rejection because she's never put herself out there.

"A lifetime of insecurity - I'm too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my long list of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would-be admirers. There was that guy in my chemistry class who liked me, but no one has ever sparked my interest - no one except Christian Damn Grey. (really?) Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Paul Clayton and Jose Rodriguez, though I'm sure neither of them has been found sobbing alone in dark places. Perhaps I just need a good cry.

Stop! Stop now! my subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration." -- But... that's.... not.... a metaphor? At all? Not even kind of? 

This isn't a metaphor, either.

When Ana gets home, Kate is quick to notice that she's been crying.

"'Ana, what's wrong?'

Oh no . . . not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition." -- this isn't a real thing.

They go back and forth about why Ana's upset and how coffee went and why Ana thinks she won't be seeing Christian again (he's out of her league! but Ana's a total babe!). Kate asks Ana if she'd like to read the article she's written, and she agrees. Except she just stares at the picture of Christian and pretends to read. Such a good friend.

"I pretend to read the article, all the time meeting his steady gray gaze, searching the photo for some clue as to why he's not the man for me - his own words to me. And it's suddenly blindingly obvious. He's too gloriously good-looking. We are poles apart and from two very different worlds. I have a vision of myself as Icarus flying too close to the sun and crashing and burning as a result."

Later, when Ana can finally be alone with her thoughts, she allows them to drift to Christian and the potential reasons for his rejection.

"He'd said it there and then. He didn't want me as a girlfriend. I turn onto my side. Idly, I wonder if perhaps he's celibate." -- BREAKING: Ana has never heard of asexuality and appears to believe that people who don't want to have sex also cannot have romantic relationships.

The next day is Ana's final exam. She finishes her last test with a flourish and a "Cheshire cat grin," and looks forward to the night's events (she might even get drunk!). Upon returning home, Kate discovers a package for Ana containing the three volumes of Tess of the d'Urbervilles, all first editions. Kate does a quick internet search and learns that they're worth tens of thousands of dollars, which isn't really all that surprising, considering who they're from.

Ana and Kate meet up with Jose at a bar, and Ana proceeds to get super sloppy.

"Jose joins us. He won't graduate for another year, but he's in the mood to party and gets us into the spirit of our new found freedom by buying a pitcher of margaritas for us all. As I down my fifth glass, I know this is not a good idea on top of the champagne.

'So what now, Ana?' Jose shouts at me over the noise.

'Kate and I are moving to Seattle. Kate's parents have bought a condo for her.'

'Dios mio, how the other half live. But you'll be back for my show?'

'Of course, Jose, I wouldn't miss it for the world.' I smile, and he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close.

'It means a lot to me that you'll be there, Ana,' he whispers in my ear. 'Another margarita?'

'Jose Luis Rodriguez - are you trying to get me drunk? Because I think it's working.' I giggle. 'I think I'd better have a beer. I'll go get us a pitcher.'"

When Ana gets up from the table, she decides that, as long as she's still able to stand, she might as well go to the bathroom. While standing in line, she considers calling Christian.

"Who did I call last? Was it Jose? Before that, a number I don't recognize. Oh yes. Grey, I think this is his number. I giggle. I have no idea what time it is; maybe I'll wake him." -- YOU'RE STARING AT YOUR PHONE AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

So, Ana being Ana, she calls Christian, thinking that she'll give him a real piece of her tequila-addled mind and tell him that if he wants her to stay away from him, he should leave her alone. The conversation obviously doesn't go the way she wants it to, and soon, he's badgering her about where she is and why she's been drinking. She hangs up and decides to go outside for fresh air. She's soon joined by Jose, who deserves a swift kick in the dick.

"'Ana,' Jose has joined me. 'You okay?'

'I think I've just had a bit too much to drink.' I smile weakly at him.

'Me, too,' he murmurs, and his dark eyes are regarding me intently. 'Do you need a hand?' he asks and steps closer, putting his arm around me.

'Jose, I'm okay. I've got this.' I try to push him away rather feebly.

'Ana, please,' he whispers, and now he's holding me in his arms, pulling me close.

'Jose, what are you doing?'

'You know I like you, Ana, please.' He has one hand at the small of my back holding me against him, the other at my chin tipping back my head. Holy fuck . . . he's going to kiss me.

'No, Jose, stop - no.' I push him, but he's a wall of hard muscled, and I cannot shift him. His hand has slipped into my hair, and he's holding my head in place.

'Please, Ana, cariño,' he whispers against my lips. His breath is soft and smells too sweet - of margarita and beer. He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my mouth. I feel panicky, drunk, and out of control. The feeling is suffocating.

'Jose, no,' I plead. I don't want this. You are my friend, and I think I'm going to throw up." -- you know, I was totally Team Jacob in Twilight, but I am certainly not on Team Jose in this book. Way to be the biggest asshole in a chapter that includes Christian Grey, dude. Ana goes on to forgive Jose later (much like she'll forgive Christian for so many despicable things), which makes me question how ELJ views her protagonist. You don't do this shit to someone. And you certainly don't just forgive the person who does. 

Thankfully (never thought I'd say that), Christian shows up just in time to pull Jose off of Ana. The combination of unwanted Jose advances, too much alcohol, and the sudden appearance of the dude who broke her heart prove too much for Ana's poor stomach, and she doubles over, throwing up all over herself. Jose, the child that he is, leaps back in disgust, while Christian helps Ana to a ledge and holds her hair back. Imagine that. A situation in which Christian is actually a gentleman. Once Ana has pulled herself together, the tension is palpable and Jose excuses himself to go back inside. For some reason, Ana feels compelled to apologize to Christian, for being sick and making a fool of herself, but let's be honest. She probably wouldn't be apologizing for anything if he hadn't decided to show up unannounced. Christian tells her he's going to take her home and that his brother will tell Kate where she is.

"'He was with me when you phoned.'

'In Seattle?' I'm confused.

'No, I'm staying at the Heathman.'

Still? Why?

'How did you find me?'

'I tracked your cell phone, Anastasia.'

Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is that legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that's still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it's him, I don't mind." -- you absolutely should mind, Ana. 

Ana insists that she tell Kate where she's going, so Christian takes her to the dance floor to find her. Kate is dancing with Christian's brother, Elliot, and Ana is immediately concerned. Christian tells Elliot that he's taking Ana home and Elliot tells Kate, who smiles and waves. With that, Ana is escorted off the dance floor.

"But I never got to talk to her. Is she okay? I can see where things are heading for her and him. I need to do the safe-sex lecture. In the back of my mind, I hope she reads one of the posters on the inside of the bathroom door. My thoughts crash through my brain, fighting the drunk, fuzzy feeling. It's so warm in here, so loud, so colorful - too bright. My head begins to swim, oh no . . . and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face, or so it feels. The last thing I hear before I pass out in Christian Grey's arms is his harsh epithet.

'Fuck!'" 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 3

Chapter 3

When we left Ana, she was off to call Kate about Christian agreeing to do a photoshoot. Kate is excited, of course, and inquires as to why Christian was at Ana's tiny hardware store job to begin with.
"'I think that is one huge coincidence, Ana. You don't think he was there to see you?' My heart lurches at the prospect, but it's a short-lived joy. The dull, disappointing reality is that he was here on business." -- except he totally wasn't. and if he was, he came to see you first. because he's fucking crazy.

When Kate asks Ana where they should do the photoshoot, Ana suggests contacting Christian and asking.
"Kate gasps.
'The richest, most elusive, most enigmatic bachelor in Washington State just gave you his cell phone number?'" -- Come on, ELJ. Washington isn't a terrible romcom starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes. We have no elusive and enigmatic bachelors. And if we do, in your weird book world, Christian isn't "the most," he's the only.

Kate is insistent that Christian like likes Ana, and Ana gives herself a moment to consider it.

"'Kate, he's just trying to be nice.' But even as I say the words, I know they're not true - Christian Grey doesn't do nice. He does polite, maybe. And a small, quiet voice whispers, Perhaps Kate is right. My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me." -- ohhhhkay.

Kate tells Ana that she has to call both Jose and Christian to talk about the photoshoot, even though it's Kate's article and she really should be doing the legwork here. As Ana is hanging up with Jose, her coworker casually asks her on a date, which is I guess a thing that happens quite a lot, even though she always says no. Back at Ana's apartment, Kate gets Jose to agree to doing the photoshoot, and it's time for Ana to call Christian.

"He answers on the second ring. His tone is clipped, calm, and cold.

'Grey.'

'Er . . . Mr. Grey? It's Anastasia Steele.' I don't recognize my own voice, I'm so nervous. There's a brief pause. Inside I'm quaking.

. . . . .

'Um - we'd like to go ahead with the photo shoot for the article.' Breathe, Ana, breathe. My lungs drag in a hasty breath. 'Tomorrow, if that's okay. Where would be convenient for you, sir?'

I can almost hear his sphinxlike smile through the phone." -- I mean, we all know that calling him 'sir' was your first mistake. But. Sphinxlike? You can hear that? Does it sound like this?

They agree on a time and hang up. Kate immediately jumps all over Ana for blushing and "being affected" by Christian and Ana gets mad but makes dinner for Kate anyway. Then, it's time for bed.

"I am restless that night, tossing and turning, dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places." -- Slenderman. You're dreaming of Slenderman.

It's time for the photo shoot. Ana helps Kate and Jose set up, and at 9:30, Christian arrives.

"Holy crap! He's wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and gray flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry looking at him . . . he's so freaking hot." -- he showed up to your fucking photo shoot in his pajamas. tell him to get bent and go date your coworker. he's cute, and I bet he'll never ask to beat you.

After pleasantries are exchanged and Jose and Christian size each other up to see who gets to court Ana, the photo shoot begins. It takes about 20 minutes, and Christian and Ana lock eyes twice. It's very intense. He then asks her into the hallway and requests that she have coffee with him.

"My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Christian Grey is asking me on a date. He's asking you if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven't woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again." -- this happens often? 

Ana runs into the room to switch cars with Kate, and Kate warns her about Christian.

"'Ana, there's something about him.' Her tone is full of warning. 'He's gorgeous, I agree, but I think he's dangerous. Especially for someone like you.'

'What do you mean, someone like me?' I demand, affronted.

'An innocent like you, Ana. You know what I mean,' she says a little irritated." -- they're having coffee, Kate. he's not sacrificing her to an almighty being. I mean. I guess he might. but would that really be such a bad thing?

So, they leave for coffee. They take the elevator down, and Christian grabs Ana's hand. She reminisces briefly that no one has ever held her hand before (which I find terribly sad), and they walk to the coffee house. Ana requests English Breakfast tea, because she doesn't like coffee.

"'Anything to eat?'

'No thank you.'  I shake my head, and heads to the counter.

I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to be served. I could watch him all day . . . he's tall, broad shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips . . . Oh my."

You'll never read those words the same way again.

She continues oogling Christian, considering what it might be like to run her hands through his hair, when he's back at the table, asking her about Jose. He's curious to know if either Jose or Paul is her boyfriend, and she says no each time she's asked. She blushes a lot, which I'm convinced is a medical condition at this point, as Christian tells her that she's a mystery to him. He can never figure out what she's thinking. Truthfully, this would be more concerning if he were a mind-reading vampire and hers was the only mind he couldn't read, but as he's just a regular dude, this is pretty standard and I'm not sure why we're mentioning it. The conversation drags on for ages, Christian asks about Ana's parents, and she wonders why he would want to know something so terribly boring. Eventually, Christian sort of accidentally asks Ana if she'd like to go to Paris with him.

"'Would you like to go?'

'To Paris?' I squeak. This has thrown me - wouldn't want to go to Paris? 'Of course,' I concede. 'But it's England that I'd really like to visit.'

He cocks his head to one side, running his index finger across his lower lip . . . oh my. 

'Because?'

I blink rapidly. Concentrate, Steele."

They leave the coffee place and Ana asks if Christian has a girlfriend. He doesn't because he doesn't "do the girlfriend thing." She attempts to get her thoughts in order and instead goes sprawling head-first into the street.

"It all happens so fast - one minute I'm falling, the next I'm in his arms and he's holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, wholesome scent. He smells of freshly laundered linen and some expensive body wash. It's intoxicating. I inhale deeply.

. . . . . 

He's staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it's forever . . . but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on mine." -- YOU HAVEN'T WANTED TO BE KISSED IN THE ENTIRE TIME YOU'VE BEEN ALIVE? WHAT ABOUT BOY BANDS?? WE'RE THE SAME AGE, ANA. DON'T TELL ME YOU NEVER WANTED THIS.

I think Ana's subconscious makes its first anthropomorphic appearance in the next chapter, so get excited for that. Until then, I hope Nick Carter stays with you in your dreams.