Grey: Chapter 19

Or, Friday, June 3, 2011.

I hope you're all ready for Man Angst of Supernatural proportions. (see what I did there?)

"I can't sleep. It's after two and I've been staring at the ceiling for an hour. Tonight it's not my sleeping nightmares that are keeping me awake. It's a waking one. 

Leila Williams.

The smoke detector on my ceiling is winking at me, its flashing green light mocking me." -- that's called 'blinking', Christian. 

Moving on, Christian ponders the reasons one might become depressed or suicidal, without actually having spoken with said person. And then he makes everything about him. Cue shock. Cue awe.

"Why was Leila suicidal? What possessed her? Her desperate unhappiness resonates with a younger me. I'm trying to quash my memories, but the anger and desolation of my solitary teen years resurfaces and it won't go away. 

. . . . .

Rising from my bed, I push these disquieting thoughts to the back of my mind. I need the piano.

I need Ana. 

If she'd signed the contract and everything had gone according to plan, she would be with me, upstairs, asleep. I could wake her, and lose myself in her . . . or, under our new arrangement, she would be beside me, and I could fuck her and then watch her sleep.

What would she make of Leila?"

-- also, ew. 

Christian sits down at the piano, still contemplating how terrible it would be if Ana ever met Leila, when a much stranger thought occurs to him.

"Leila is servicing my cock with her mouth.

Her skilled mouth. 

Her hands are tied behind her back.

Her hair braided.

She's on her knees.

Eyes cast down. Modest. Alluring.

Not seeing me.

And suddenly she's Ana.

Ana on her knees before me. Naked. Beautiful.

My cock in her mouth.

But Ana's eyes are on mine.

Her blazing blue eyes see everything.

See me. My soul.

She sees the darkness and the monster beneath. 

Her eyes widen in horror and suddenly she disappears.

Shit! I wake with a start, and a painful erection that wanes as soon as I recall Ana's wounded look in my dream."

Christian checks his email and finds one from Ana, letting him know that she's on the plane waiting to take off and has once again been upgraded to first class. She asks about his "situation" and if it is resolved, which it is not. 

"Anastasia,

The situation could be better. Have you taken off yet? If so, you should not be e-mailing. You are putting yourself at risk, in direct contravention of the rule regarding your personal safety. I meant what I said about punishments. 

Christian Grey." -- Dear Christian: on-board WiFi was first used on planes in 2003. It is 2011. I am quite certain that as Ana is likely flying a major airline and probably on a Boeing plane, she also has in-flight WiFi. Stop being a melodramatic doorknob and embrace technology.

As it turns out, Ana hasn't even taken off yet. Her flight has been delayed and Christian is being a jackass for no good reason. That could be the overall title for the series. Like, you know how George R. R. Martin has "A Song of Ice and Fire." ELJ could have "Christian is a Jackass for No Good Reason: the Trilogy."

Christian receives a call from that Welch dude who got the background check on Ana in chapter 2, and he tells him that he's spoken to Leila's husband. I don't actually think they're married anymore but I don't really remember. And Christian thinks they're still married so whatever. He's her husband. Anyyyyyway. "'He says his wife is away visiting her parents,' Welch reports." While on the phone with Welch, Christian feels eyes on him. Obviously it's Ana, having magically shown up at his house. 

"She's all eyes and legs . . . especially legs. I imagine them wrapped around my waist.

Desire, raw and real, fires my blood as I stare." 

Obviously we're beginning a sex scene. Instead of describing to you what's happening (because whoooo really wants that?), I'm just going to share the most bizarre moments.

"I wrap my arms around her, tugging at her ponytail, lifting her eager lips to mine. She tastes of heaven and home and fall and Ana." -- I'd be really concerned if she tasted like anyone else.

"My blood is thick with desire, my erection painful." -- you're supposed to call someone when that happens, right?

"She moans and I feel her quicken around me..." -- I've had sex before and I don't know what this means.

"I come deep and hard inside her, growling out a garbled version of her name." -- her name is Ana. there's really only so much you can do to distort that. "Arrrraanaaarraaaaa" or so I assume.

Annnnd we're done. Now for the post-coital talking.

"'I have a job.' She sounds reticent.

Why? Did she think I'd be angry? Of course she's found a job. Pride swells in my chest. 'Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?' I ask with a smile.

'You don't know?'

'Why would I know?'

'With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have - ' She stops to study my face.

'Anastasia, I wouldn't dream of interfering in your career. Unless you ask me to, of course.'" -- Are you sure, Christian? Are you reaaaaaallly sure? You're telling me that you're not going to PURCHASE THE COMPANY SO YOU CAN KEEP A CLOSER EYE ON HER? THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU'RE GOING TO DO? ARE YOU FUCKING SURE?

"'So you have no idea which company?'

'No. I know there are four publishing companies in Seattle - so I am assuming it's one of them.'

'SIP,' she announces.

'Oh, the small one, good. Well done.' It's the company that Ros identified as ripe for takeover. This will be easy." -- THERE IT FUCKING IS

They decide to actually shower - no doubt I'm in for more awkward sex - and Ana once again asks if he'll ever let her touch him. 

"Her voice is a gentle entreaty, but it doesn't stop the darkness that's swirling suddenly from nowhere and tightening around my throat. 

No.

I will it away, cupping and concentrating on Ana's ass, her fucking glorious behind. My body responds on a primal level - at war with the darkness." -- jesus fucking christ.

They have more sex, and then go out to eat dinner, when Christian proposes, you guessed it, EVEN MORE SEX.

"'I want you ready and waiting in my playroom in fifteen minutes.' I stand up, watching her closely to gauge her reaction. She takes a quick sip of her wine, her pupils widening.

. . . . .

Remarkably, she says nothing, and I head off to my study to send a quick e-mail to Ros telling her I want to start the process to acquire SIP as soon as possible." 

Up in the playroom, Christian reminds Ana of her safe words, something he has never done before. He explains that during this scene, she will be tied up and blindfolded, and will be listening to extremely loud music so she'll be unable to hear or see him. Maybe I'm crazy, but there's no way I'd trust him that much. He chooses a choral piece for her to listen to, which he can also hear. I can only assume that it's some kind of Gregorian chant. After their respective explosive orgasms, we reflect.

"The music definitely contributed to what was almost a religious experience. I frown, attempting but failing to get a handle on my feelings." 

Praise be! Praise be! Let it from this day be known that Christian Grey has discovered the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption. And it was good.

Lying in bed, engaging in more post-coital discussion (we've had a lot of it this chapter), Ana asks if Christian will finally tell her what she said in her sleep. She said she'd never leave him, in case you've forgotten because it's fucking trivial as hell but WE'RE STILL FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT. 

"'You said lots of things, Anastasia. You talked about cages and strawberries. That you wanted more, and that you missed me.'

'Is that all?' She sounds relieved.

Why would she be relieved?

I stretch out beside her so I can see her face.

'What did you think you'd said?'

She opens her eyes for a brief moment, and shuts them again quickly.

'That I thought you were ugly, conceited, and that you were hopeless in bed.' One blue eye peeks open and watches me warily."

Somehow this conversation ends with them dissolving into laughter, an action of which I previously thought Christian incapable. 

"'I'm so tired,' she mumbles once she's in my bed.

'Sleep now,' I whisper, and wrap her in my arms. I close my eyes, fighting the disquieting sensation that surges and fills my chest once more. It's like homesickness and a homecoming rolled into one . . . and it's terrifying."

Grey: Chapter 18

Or, Thursday, June 2, 2011

**trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/attempts**

It's the middle of the night, I think, in Savannah. Ana is talking in her sleep. Christian is channeling his inner Edward.
"'No. Please. Don't leave me.'
What? It's Ana. 'I'm not going anywhere,' I mutter, bemused. Turning, I prop myself up on my elbow. She's huddled beside me and looks like she's asleep.
'I won't leave you,' she mumbles.
My scalp prickles. 'I'm very glad to hear that.'
She sighs.
'Ana?' I whisper. But she doesn't react. Her eyes are closed. She's fast asleep. She must be dreaming . . . what is she dreaming about?
'Christian,' she says.
'Yes,' I respond automatically.
But she says nothing; she's definitely asleep, but I've never heard her talk in her sleep before.
I watch her, fascinated."

Christian wakes Ana up because they have exciting secret stuff to do (it was actually 5am so. not quite the middle of the night.). She is not a morning person - but at 5am, who is? - and asks if she can take a shower.

"'Can't I have a shower?'

'If you have a shower, I'll want one with you, and you and I know what will happen then - the day will just go. Come.'" -- I mean, orrrrrrr, you could acknowledge that while you want to shower with her, you don't need to shower with her. And you don't want to ruin your plans so maybe you just wait while she gets ready. AND you've already showered and showering too often is bad for your skin and hair. Or you could forget that you're a thinking adult with the ability to overcome your baser instincts. You seem to be good at that. In related news, Ana never gets to shower again, ever, because Christian has the self control of a toddler.

Once out of the elevator, they head for the car. 

"Outside, the valet is waiting with the Mustang. Ana arches a brow, impressed by the GT500. Yeah, it's a fun drive, even if it's only a Mustang." 

Again, how rich do you have to be before this becomes a realistic thing to say?

After putting the address of the airfield in the GPS, they're off. And for some reason, Christian thinks opera music (La Traviata, to be exact), is just what they need for an energetic morning.

"'La Traviata? I've heard of that. I can't think where. What does it mean?'

I give her a knowing look. 'Well, literally, 'the woman led astray.'" -- I'm gonna interject for a second here to say that I checked out Google Translate and it simply translates "La Traviata" as "The Traviata." It wasn't until I found, wait for it, WIKIFUCKINGPEDIA, that I found the translation Christian gives.

Christian gives Ana control of the music, and like any 22 year old girl in 2011, she chose Britney Spears.

"She taps on a song, and Verdi's dulcet strings are replaced by a pounding beat and Britney Spears.

''Toxic', eh?' I observe, with wry humor.

Is she trying to tell me something?

Is she referring to me?

'I don't know what you mean,' she says innocently. 

Does she think I should wear a warning?

Miss Steele wants to play games." -- Literally what the fuck does this exchange mean. I'm so. Just. What? Christian you are reading WAY too much into a millennial loving Britney Spears. And may I remind you, she didn't go seeking out that song. It was on YOUR iPod. You're turning nothing into a lot of something and I hate you for it. Also, do not make fun of Toxic. Britney was fucking ON IT when this debuted.

AND ALSO what is Ana responding to here? "I don't know what you mean," doesn't make any fucking sense in the context of what's happening. Because she can't hear what Christian is thinking. And he isn't asking her if she's referring to him, HE'S THINKING IT. GO HOME ELJ YOU ARE DRUNK.

Christian feels the need to explain that he did not put Toxic on his iPod (although who could blame him, that song is a gem), but that just spurs a non-needed conversation about Leila, an ex submissive. Just kidding, it's totally needed because if Christian didn't mention her now, no one would know what the fuck was happening in like 20 pages when she shows up in his kitchen.

We arrive at the airfield so Christian can take Ana soaring. As he's helping her into her parachute harness, we're all given a truly special moment of imagery.

"I hoist the shoulder straps up over her arms and fasten the parachute.

Boy, she looks good in a harness.

Briefly, I wonder how she'd look spread-eagled and hanging from the karabiners in the playroom, her mouth and her sex at my disposal." -- page 442 and we're still talking about Ana as if she's a car your friend is lending you for the weekend.

The guy in charge of the airfield (his name is Mark Benson but it doesn't matter) comes around to check that Ana is strapped in correctly.

"'You'll love it.'

'Thanks, Mr. Benson,' Ana says.

'Call me Mark,' he replies, fucking twinkling at her. I narrow my eyes at him." -- it's called customer service, you soggy pineapple. but thanks for the gif opportunity.

They go soaring and it's thrilling. Ana giggles and it's like heaven itself has opened up to bless their union. Angels sing and the clouds part to make more room for their love. Or something. In the car on the way to breakfast, they discuss their relationship.

"'I like that you introduced me to Mark as your girlfriend,' she says, changing the subject.

'Isn't that what you are?'

'Am I? I thought you wanted a submissive.'

'So did I, Anastasia, and I do. But I've told you, I want more, too.'

'I'm very happy that you want more,' she says.

'We aim to please, Miss Steele.'" -- is this dialogue believable for anyone? ANYONE?

They go to IHOP and the waitress comes to see if they're ready to order.

"We're interrupted.

'Hi, my name's Leandra. What can I get for you . . . er . . . folks . . . er . . . today, this mornin'?'

Oh, God. I ignore the redheaded server.

'Anastasia?' I prompt her.

'I told you, I want what you want.'

Hell. She might as well be addressing my groin." -- again, I'd like us all to take a moment to imagine Dakota Johnson speaking directly to Jamie Dornan's crotch.

"'This is delicious,' she says.

'I like that you're hungry.'

'Must have been all the exercise last night and the thrill this morning.'

'It was a thrill, wasn't it?'

'It was mighty fine, Mr. Grey.'" -- WHY

"I pull up outside her mother's home with some regret. I wish we could play hooky all day; the last twelve hours have been . . . nice.

More than nice, Grey. Sublime." -- are you sure? there's no other adjective you'd like to throw in there? maybe... MIGHTY FINE?

Christian leaves Ana because he has actual work to do, and goes back to the hotel. From there, Taylor takes him to his meeting. As it's wrapping up, Taylor knocks on the door and enters, looking grim.

"There's a knock at the door and Taylor enters the small conference room. His face looks grim, but what's more worrying is that he never, ever interrupts my meetings. My scalp prickles.

Ana? Is she okay?

'Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,' he says to all of us.

'Yes, Taylor,' I ask, and he approaches and speaks discreetly in my ear.

'We have a situation at home concerning Miss Leila Williams.'

Leila? What the hell?" -- DUN DUN DUN

"In the hallway, Taylor's tone is grave as he apologizes once more or interrupting my meeting.

'Don't worry. Tell me what's happened.'

'Miss Williams is in an ambulance on the way to the ER at Seattle Free Hope.'

'Ambulance?'

'Yes, sir. She broke into the apartment and made a suicide attempt in front of Mrs. Jones.'

Fuck. 'Suicide?' Leila? In my apartment?

'She slashed her wrist. Gail went with her in the ambulance. She informed me that the EMT's arrived in time and Miss Williams is not in any immediate danger.'" -- hmm, yes. Leila. The ex submissive who put Toxic on Christian's iPod. I didn't include in this post the conversation that Christian and Ana had about his ex-subs, but mostly it came down to why they left. For many, the relationship simply ran its course. They parted amicably and, I assume, came out of it better people. For a few though, it ended because the sub wanted more and Christian didn't. I'll give you 1 guess to which category Leila fits in. Also, I don't appreciate ELJ using an obviously unstable character for plot development. Leila easily could have broken into the apartment and done LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. But instead, clear depression, mental instability, and a suicide attempt have all been utilized for an extra 60 pages of Man Angst. 

Man Angst: most clearly defined by a Single Man Tear.

"On the flight I throw myself into work to distract me from the problem waiting at home. By the time we've touched down I've read three reports and written fifteen e-mails. Our car is waiting, and Taylor drives through the pouring rain straight to Seattle Free Hope. I have to see Leila and find out what the hell is going on. As we near the hospital my anger surfaces.

Why would she do this to me?"

Eventually Christian makes it to the hospital. After jumping through a few hoops and pretending to be Leila's brother, he is able to get to her floor. Upon arrival, he notices security combing through rooms. A doctor approaches him.

"'Where's Leila?'

He assesses me for a moment, then sighs and steels himself. 'I'm afraid I don't know,' he says. 'She's managed to give us the slip.'

'What?'

'She's gone. How she got out I don't know.'

. . . . .

'And who are you?' I ask.

'I'm Dr. Azikiwe, the on-call psychiatrist.'

He looks to young to be a psychiatrist. 'What can you tell me about Leila?' I ask.

'Well, she was admitted after a failed suicide attempt. She tried to slash one of her wrists at an ex-boyfriend's house. His housekeeper brought her here.' 

. . . . .

'Did you talk to her?'

'I did.'

'Why did she do this?'

'She said it was a cry for help. Nothing more. And, having made such a spectacle of herself, she was embarrassed and wanted to go home. She said she didn't want to kill herself. I believed her. I suspect it was just suicidal ideation on her part.'" -- It bothers me on a primal level how ELJ has constructed a suicidal character and then makes attempts at psychiatry to explain why she isn't actually suicidal, but simply had a moment of weakness. For her psychiatrist character to be so flippant about a woman who was admitted mere hours ago after attempting suicide having now disappeared is irresponsible at best. 

Ana emails Christian asking if he's landed safely (which he has) and if his situation has been taken care of (which it hasn't). They go back and forth with weird couples' banter about how Ana talks in her sleep. Ana makes a comment about Christian's advanced age and the fact that he probably misheard her. She gets frustrated that he won't tell her what she said in her sleep (she said she wouldn't leave him, remember?) and emails that she is "officially pissed" and says goodnight. 

"Anastasia,

I'd rather hear you say the words that you uttered in your sleep when you're conscious, that's why I won't tell you. Go to sleep. You'll need to be rested, with what I have in mind for you tomorrow.

She doesn't respond; I hope for once she's doing what she's told and she's asleep (SHE TOLD YOU SHE WAS GOING TO SLEEP ASSHAT). Briefly I think of what we could do tomorrow, but it's too arousing, so I push the thought aside and concentrate on my e-mails.

But I have to confess I feel a little lighter after some e-mail banter with Miss Steele. She's good for my dark, dark soul."

Grey: Chapter 17

Or, Wednesday, June 1 2011.

I've been trying to get myself to start this chapter for days now - this book is becoming much more difficult to look at as it goes on. I'm insanely stressed out and agitated tonight, so I figured I would try rage blogging a little bit.

It should come as no surprise to any of you, but we're off to Georgia in this chapter! Thank the gods Christian decided to stalk Ana down there. Could you imagine ELJ having to come up with an entirely new plot for him while she was gone? This chapter would go from 33 to 3 pages real fast. And probably the sentence, "And suddenly Ana was back!" would be in there somewhere.

"Bill has managed to arrange a meeting with the Savannah Brownfield Redevelopment Authority tomorrow, and I might be meeting them for a drink this evening. So if Anastasia is otherwise occupied, or doesn't want to see me, the journey won't be a complete waste of time.
Yeah, yeah. Tell yourself that, Grey." -- What? You think I flew all the way down here to see you? You think I sat on my private jet for 7 hours (or something I don't know how long this stupid flight takes) for you???? Psh. Obviously I am having very legitimate drinks with this company because I'm very rich and flying 3000 miles for a fucking martini is just something we DO. And of course I didn't tell you what an amazing coincidence it was that we were both going to be in Georgia at the same time because I'm very mysterious how many times do we have to go over this???? GOD Ana, you are so stupid!

Christian wakes up from his nap on the plane and notices the sky.
"The light up here is brilliant. Golden. Tranquil. The sinking sun reflecting off the cumulus clouds. For a moment I wish I were in my sailplane. I bet the the thermals are fantastic up here.
Yes!
That's what I should do: take Ana soaring. That would be more, wouldn't it?" -- Just keep it below 35,000 feet, Christian. I don't care how great the thermals are.

"'Taylor.'
'Yes, sir.'
'I'd like to take Anastasia soaring in Georgia - at dawn tomorrow, if we can find somewhere to do that. But later would be fine, too.' If it's later I'll have to move my meeting." -- dude she doesn't even know you're coming and you're just gonna plan shit not knowing if she's already fucking busy. you are the shittiest person.

After they land in Georgia, Christian is surprised by the car he'll be driving.
"The rep hands the keys for both cars to Taylor. I raise a brow at him. 'Ford Mustang?'
'It's all I could find in Savannah at short notice.' Taylor looks sheepish.
'At least it's a red convertible. Though in this heat I hope it has AC.'" -- How rich do you have to be before the phrase "at least it's a red convertible" becomes something you can comfortably say? While the rest of the world is over here like "Hell, at least it runs.", fucking Christian is like "It's not a Ferrari but I guess I'll make it work." ALSO what fucking rental car in 2011 IN THE MIDDLE OF GEORGIA DOESN'T HAVE AIR CONDITIONING.

"In the Mustang, I cruise out of the airport and onward to downtown Savannah, listening to Bruce on my iPod through the car sound system." -- I'll get to the sloppiness of this sentence in a minute, but who the fuck is Bruce? Are you listening to Bruce Springsteen? Bruce Willis's 'Armageddon' speech? Does Bruce Lee have an audio book no one knows about? WHO THE FUCK IS BRUCE? And also, you don't need to specify the way in which you're listening to music. We're all smarter than you. We can figure it out.

Christian gets to his hotel and, after turning the AC on as high as he can, calls his assistant for an update on I don't know what.

"I set up my laptop, crank the air conditioning to full blast, and call Ros for an update.

'Why the sudden interest in Georgia, Christian?'" -- BECAUSE I'M CURRENTLY STALKING AN ENTICING YOUNG WOMAN ROS, JESUS PAY ATTENTION.

"There's a knock on the door - my luggage and room service have arrived simultaneously. The food smells delicious: fried green tomatoes and shrimp and grits. Well, I'm in the South." -- I'm pretty sure ELJ got her knowledge of literally everything in the US from a Wikipedia article very similar to the one she used to learn about BDSM.

From here, Christian ponders his relationship with Ana, and is baffled as to why she might have an issue with him having dinner with Elena (she likes you, you absolute walnut). He goes down to the hotel bar and magically, Ana and her mother are in the same bar. So, obviously, instead of walking over there and declaring an incredible coincidence, he lurks in the dark and texts her so he can watch her reaction.

His text simply tells her that yes, he had dinner with Mrs. Robinson and that she's an old friend. Ana's not buying it and is clearly still angry.

"She's not just an old friend.

Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into?

Did you get too old for her?

Is that the reason your relationship ended?

What the hell? My temper simmers as I read.

Isaac is in his late twenties.

Like me.

How dare she? 

Is it the drink talking?" -- JFC, Christian. Would you get off of this 'obviously Ana is saying these things because she's intoxicated and not because she's a thinking human with opinions and feelings' thing. It's exhausting. Also, you may be mad, but she's sort of right. Elena snatched you up when you were 15. That's rape, and there's no way around it. If you're so upset about the assumptions Ana is making, theN FUCKING TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

Christian responds:

"This is not something I wish to discuss via e-mail.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?" -- YOU'RE A FUCKING CREEP

Naturally, Ana's reaction is to startle and look around and freak out a little. Christian walks over and introduces himself to her mother before making more unnecessary observations.

"I need something stronger than beer. 'I'll have a gin and tonic,' I tell the waiter. 'Hendrick's, if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendrick's, lime with the Bombay.'

'And two more Cosmos, please,' Ana adds, with an anxious look at me.

She's right to be anxious. I think she's had enough to drink already." -- well news flash asshat, no one fucking cares what you think because she's supposed to be enjoying time away from you with her mother and you can't put your fucking ego on hold long enough to respect that. "I did try to stay away from you." but what? That didn't work so now you're following her across the country in a fucking jet to comment on how much she's drinking.

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you .

"I take her hand, because I want to touch her, and I give it a gentle squeeze. Slowly I caress her knuckles with my thumb, and her breathing alters.

Yes, Ana. Feel it."

Ana's mom goes to the bathroom, so Christian and Ana can have a moment and so we can be annoyed.

"'So you're mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.' I kiss each knuckle.

'Yes.' She's curt.

Is she jealous?

'Our sexual relationship was over long ago, Anastasia. I don't want anyone but you. Haven't you worked that out yet?'

'I think of her as a child molester, Christian.

My scalp tingles in shock. 'That's very judgmental. It wasn't like that.' I release her hand in frustration.

'Oh, how was it then?' she snaps, sticking out her stubborn little chin.

Is this the drink talking?" -- just. fucking. stop.

After not really discussing this any further, Ana's mother is back and Christian decides to leave.

"Ana is quiet, imploring me with a look that I ignore. I kiss her cheek. 'Laters, baby,' I murmur in her ear, then turn and walk through the bar and back down to my room.

That girl provokes me like no one has before.

And she's pissed at me; maybe she has PMS. She said her period was due this week." -- Fuck you. FUCK. YOU. FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUU. HOW ABOUT WE STOP BLAMING PMS FOR WOMEN HAVING TOTALLY LOGICAL AND SENSIBLE EMOTIONS. HOW ABOUT WE FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN A WOMAN IS ON HER PERIOD, SHE'S AS CLOSE HORMONALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TO A MAN AS SHE WILL EVER BE. THAT'S RIGHT. MEN THINK WE'RE IRRATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL ON OUR PERIOD BUT THEY'RE IRRATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. HOW ABOUT WE STOP FUCKING VILIFYING AND TRIVIALIZING WOMEN FOR BEING WOMEN. IT'S NOT PMS ELJ AND EVEN IF IT WAS CHRISTIAN IS A TOTAL JACKASS AND DESERVES TO BE SURROUNDED BY HORDES OF WOMEN ALL ON THEIR FUCKING PERIOD.

Let's be honest, Christian is basically a 30 year old Donald Trump at this point.

Apparently, fighting in a bar about a potential child molester really gets these two off because they proceed to have sex in Christian's bathroom. After, Ana wants to talk more about Elena, probably because Christian won't just fucking get it all out in the open and has to be a cryptic dick about it. 

So they talk for a while, and it's boring and angsty and delves into Christian's life more than I cared to know. They both decide that Ana isn't an awesome submissive (which we all knew) and then they're in the bath and everything is fine again.

"'Did you just splash me?'

'Yes,' she says.

'Oh, Miss Steele.' I wrap my arm around her waist and tug her onto my lap, slopping water onto the floor once again. 'I think we've done enough talking for now.'" -- of course you have. because once you stop having sex, ELJ actually has to come up with a plot.

After they've had sex a second time, Christian gets Ana into bed. She still has no idea they're going soaring in the morning, and this pleases him. Ana wants to talk some more, which he doesn't love, but it's nothing he has to think about ('what's your favorite movie?') so he actually ends up enjoying it. He even admits to her that he's paid for sex. Cue shock, cue awe. Ana yawns, and Christian decides that the time for talking is over.

"I pull the sheet up over her, roll onto my back, and stare up at the whirring ceiling fan.

Well, talking isn't so bad.

Today worked out after all.

Thank you, Elena . . .

And with a sated smile, I close my eyes."

Grey: Chapter 16

Or, Tuesday, May 31, 2011.

When we left Christian, he was angrily banging away on his piano. Chapter 16 opens with yet another Christian Grey nightmare, It's about his mother, again, of whom he apparently only has memories when it's convenient. There's also a dude in this dream, who's only been mentioned once as "him" - ominous, I know. I'm assuming that this man was his mom's boyfriend or dealer or both and that we're gonna go ahead and also blame him for the way Christian turned out, despite being 4 when his mom died and not remembering his childhood.

Waking up, Christian checks his phone. There's a text from Ana stating that she has arrived safely in Savannah, and much to Christian's surprise, she's also sent an email. The subject of said email? "Do you like to scare me?" This should be good.

It begins with her explaining that she doesn't like that he throws money at her because it feels like he's paying her for sex. She admits that she included the bit about Jean-Paul giving her a massage to rile him up, and purposely did not tell Christian that Jean-Paul was gay.

"But as usual you overreact. You can't write things like that to me - bound and gagged in a crate. (Were you serious or was it a joke?) That scares me . . . you scare me . . . I am completely caught up in your spell, considering a lifestyle with you that I didn't even know existed until last week, and then you write something like that and I want to run screaming into the hills. I won't, of course, because I'd miss you. Really miss you. I want us to work, but I am terrified of the depth of feeling I have for you and the dark path you're leading me down. What you are offering is erotic and sexy, and I'm curious, but I'm also scared you'll hurt me - physically and emotionally."

The email is much longer, but I felt like this was the most important part. Having read the email, Christian has a few thoughts.
"Ana's given me a great deal to process.
Paying her for sex?
Like a whore.
I've never thought of her that way. Just the idea makes me mad. Really fucking mad. I sprint once more around the park, my anger spurring me on. Why does she do this to herself? I'm rich, so what? She just needs to get used to that.
At least she doesn't want me for my money.
But does she want me at all?
She says I dazzle her. But boy, has she got that the wrong way around. She dazzles me in a way that I've never experienced, yet she's flown across the country to get away from me.
How's that supposed to make me feel?"

I used to be friends with a guy who pulled this kind of shit all the time. He would do or say something that upset me and when I expressed that I was upset, he turned it around, made it about him, and I ended up being the one apologizing. This is one of the worst things you can do to a person emotionally. If you are a person who does this crap, take a good look in the mirror and then punch yourself in the face because you're total shit and no person should ever be subjected to someone they care about twisting their words and making their pain about themselves.

"I take a slower jog around the park to think about what disturbs me most about her e-mail. It isn't her fear, it's that she's terrified of the depth of feeling she has for me.

What does that mean?

That unfamiliar feeling surfaces in my chest as my lungs burn for air. It scares me. Scares me so much that I push myself harder, so that all I feel is the pain of exertion in my legs and in my chest and the cold sweat that trickles down my back." -- again, Christian. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And furthermore - the thing that bothers you the most is not that she's afraid of you? Really? BECAUSE THAT SHOULD BE THE FUCKING THING THAT BOTHERS YOU THE FUCKING MOST.

Once back at his apartment/office/dungeon, Christian fires off a 3-page-long response to Ana. I'll just put the highlights here.

"I am annoyed that as soon as you put some distance between us, you communicate openly and honestly with me. Why can't do that when we're together?" -- because when you're together, she's within beating distance. See previous email: "You scare me."

"What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub who has all the power." -- she didn't fail to realize it, you jackass, she didn't even know this kind of lifestyle existed two weeks ago and yOU'VE BEEN REALLY GOOD AT TELLING HER NOTHING

"I understand your trepidation. I did try to stay away from you." -- NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT YOU FLEW YOUR ASS DOWN TO PORTLAND AND SAT IN THE PARKING LOT OF HER WORK AND THEN WAITED INSIDE UNTIL YOU SAW HER AND YOU TRACKED HER PHONE AND THEN WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WASNT INTO YOU YOU FUCKING SHOWED UP AT HER MOTHERFUCKING APARTMENT HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SAY YOU TRIED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER

"I will endeavor to keep an open mind, and I shall try to give you the space you need and stay away from you while you are in Georgia." -- NO BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING FLY TO GEORGIA OHMYGOD DID EL JAMES EVEN READ HER OWN FUCKING BOOK????????

He sends the Email of Lies and then gets on the phone for a business call. Or what sounds like a business call. But is really just a way for him to fucking GO TO GEORGIA.

"A few moments later I have Bill on the line.

'Mr. Grey.'

'Did your people look at Georgia as an option to site the tech plant? Savannah in particular?'

'I believe we did, sir. But I'll need to check.'

......

Bill has come back to me with a potential site near Savannah for our plant."

goddammit.

From here, we have a lengthy exchange of emails that add nothing to the story but more disgust and disappointment. BUT HERE IS SOME OF IT ANYWAYYYYY. 

"Subject: Verbose?

Sir, you are quite the loquacious writer. I have to go to dinner at Bob's golf club, and just so you know, I am rolling my eyes at the thought. But you and your twitchy palm are a long way from me so my behind is safe, for now." -- I thought he could only smack you around if you rolled your eyes at him?

"Subject: Your Behind

Dear Miss Steele,

I am distracted by the title of this e-mail. Needless to say it is safe - for now." -- realllyyyyyyy?? the subject of an email is distracting you? go read a book or pet a dog, Christian, jfc.

Ana requests that he stop emailing her so she can get ready, because I guess she's incapable of making him wait for anything. He responds again, because he is incapable of listening to women. And then email sex begins to happen.

C: "Dear Miss Steele,

You do it all the time in print. Can I zip up your dress?"

A: "I would rather you unzipped it."

"Her words travel directly to my dick, passing 'Go' on the way." -- what does this even mean?

Obviously, Christian responds "SO WOULD I." The email subjects change a little bit at this point. 

"NC-17"

"Panting"

"Groaning"

"Moaning"

"Plagiarism"  -- this exists because Ana cut the email sex short and said "Gotta go. Laters, baby.", which Christian feels is stealing his line. 

More email happens and we learn that the only reason Ana doesn't eat around Christian is because he literally destroys her appetite. 

"'Of course I eat . . . It's only the uncertainty I feel around you that puts me off food.'" -- I'm not sure what it is, but something is telling me this isn't a healthy relationship.

Christian is going to dinner with Elena, or as Ana calls her, Mrs. Robinson. Christian was Elena's submissive for a time, and now Elena finds submissives for him. Which is a strange, strange, relationship to have with someone. But who am I to judge?

They're talking about Ana, and how she's gone 3000 miles away to think about their arrangement. 

"'I bet you're worrying about what she's doing in Georgia, what she's thinking. I know how you are.'

'Yes. I want her to make the right decision.'" -- ugh.

Elena suggests that Christian fly to Georgia to see her, which we all know he was already considering. He arrives back home and, after reading Ana's latest email, makes his decision. 

"She said she's missed me . . . the jet's available.

Back home I read her last e-mail.

'I hope you and your friend had a very pleasant dinner.

Ana

P.S. Was it Mrs. Robinson?'

Shit.

This is the perfect excuse. This is going to need an answer in person.

I buzz Taylor and tell him I'm going to need Stephan and the Gulfstream in the morning.

'Very good, Mr. Grey. Where are you going?'

'We're going to Savannah.'"