Grey: Chapter 15

Or, Monday, May 30, 2011.

As promised at the end of the last chapter,
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."

you're. fucking. welcome.

Also, as I mentioned at the end of the last post, we're experimenting with Kegel balls this chapter.

Kegel balls, I have learned (I actually learned this in the original trilogy but whatevs), are metal balls that are inserted into your vagina for the purposes of, I assume, pleasure. They roll around in there and when pressure is applied or specific movements occur, they hit your g-spot with extreme effectiveness. At least, that is, if your name is Anastasia Steele.

We're here because Ana decided to trade Christian the opportunity to spank her for information about his past. Worst trade ever, but fine. Christian has inserted the kegel balls (a terribly uncomfortable scene from which I am sparing you), and decides to have even more fun.
"Let's rile her some more, Grey.
'Ask me.' My voice is firm.
A mystified look crosses her face.
'Ask me.'
Come on, Ana.
Her brow furrows.
'Ask me, Anastasia. I won't say it again.' My voice is sharper.
Finally, she realizes what I'm asking for and she blushes. 'Spank me, please, Sir,' she says quietly." -- Just gonna throw it out there, Christian, but you weren't asking for anything, you were demanding. Verbs are hard.

So, Christian spanks her, as expected. Ana enjoys it, as - apparently - she should. Finally, Christian can handle it no longer.

"Turning her over, I pause to yank my pants off and put on a wretched condom, then lie down beside her." -- which is more wretched, Christian? The condom or a gaggle of screaming children? 

Despite the anguish of wearing a condom, Christian manages to pull it together and have more uncomfortable sex with Ana. After, she requests that he make good on his end of the deal and open up to her a little bit.

"With a heavy sigh I place the arnica cream on the bedside table and slip into bed, pulling Ana into my arms. I kiss her ear. 'The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'" -- oh, good. We're going with the incredibly problematic and overused cliche of having a drug addled mother who couldn't take care of poor Christian. So, even though she died when he was four ('She died when I was four. I don't really remember her.'), I'm supposed to believe that she fucked him up so hard, she's being used as his validation for beating women? Nope. Not happening. Not even a little. 

Also, I shouldn't have to mention (but I will) how gross it is to blame a struggling woman for another woman's abuse. Let us all be clear that Christian is a capable, thinking adult, who makes his own decisions and answers to absolutely no one. Ana's abuse is Christian's fault, not his mother's.

While Ana sleeps the day away (I'm kidding, it's only 8am), Christian gets some work done. It's incredibly tedious and boring and I'm not putting any of it here. While he's on the phone, he notices the sky. And Ana's eyes. And their relationship to each other. A lot.

"While I wait for her to pick up the phone I gaze out at the cloudless sky. It's the same shade as Ana's eyes." 

"My eyes lock with Ana's. They are the color of a summer sky and just as warm."

"I turn to Ana, who's jiggling her left foot but not taking her sky-blue eyes off me."

Lord.

Once Christian is off the phone, Ana comes over and kisses him. Which is, I guess, surprising.

"Her lips are persistent, so I respond, kissing her back, surprised by the intensity of her ardor. With one hand I cup her head, with the other her naked, recently spanked ass, and my body ignites like dry tinder."

Things heat up, obviously, because if they stop having sex, ELJ is going to actually have to craft a plot.

"Her words are a siren's call to my libido. Losing all self-restraint, I sweep everything off my desk, sending my papers, phone, and pens all clattering or floating to the floor, but I don't care." -- I mean. First, I'd like to point out that using both 'clattering' and 'floating', even though 'floating' is supposed to be used to describe the paper, sort of makes me imagine that some of his pens choose to end things quickly while others prefer to glide down for a soft landing. Also, are we supposed to be impressed that you're willing to throw shit on the floor to have sex? Really? We know you way too well by now, dude.

Surprise surprise, they have more sex. That's twice in 5 pages, by the way - in fact, that's all the first 3 pages were. Christian is upset that Ana has to go to Georgia (which makes no sense because we all know he's going to stalk her all the way there). 

"I give her a rough, possessive kiss.

Because I don't want her to go to Georgia." -- this shit is fucking groundbreaking.

Ana goes to take a shower and leaves Christian alone to get control of his life again. He calls a business person dude he knows and has a long conversation, and then whines inwardly about why they have to be doing business in Detroit.

"Does it have to be Detroit?

I have vague memories of the place: drunks, hobos, and crackheads shouting at us on the streets; the seedy dive we called home; and a young, broken woman, the crack whore I called Mommy, staring into space while she sat in a drab, grimy room filled with stale air and dust motes." -- this is REALLY FUCKING VIVID FOR SOMEONE WHO NOT TWO PAGES AGO SAID HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HIS MOTHER. Continuity? What's that?

Anyway, Ana and Christian eat breakfast and talk a little bit about her interviews and her upcoming trip to Georgia. She doesn't have a ticket yet and will buy one when she gets home. She still won't tell him which companies she's interviewing with and he once again threatens to track her phone (honestly this happens so often it's not even registering as fucking terrible on my radar anymore). After she leaves, Christian makes a very important phone call.

"'Welch. Anastasia Steele is buying an airline ticket today, leaving Seattle tonight for Savannah. I'd like to know which flight she's on'

'Does she have an airline preference?'

'I'm afraid I don't know.'

'I'll see what I can do.'

I hang up. My cunning plan is falling into place."

Very soon after, Christian is contacted by Welch, with all the details for Ana's flight. Armed with this new information, Christian summons his assistant. 

"'Andrea, Anastasia Steele is traveling on these flights. Upgrade her to first class, check her in, and pay for her to enter the first-class lounge. And buy he seat beside her on all flights, there and back. Use my personal credit card.'" -- Here's the thing. Has anyone ever bought a plane ticket the afternoon you're supposed to fly out? There is no way on this earth that there is an empty seat next to Ana on ANY of those flights, let alone all of them. Come on, Christian. Get your head out of Ana's vagina and regain some common sense.

A long chain of emails takes place between Christian and Ana, peppered with all the banalities of their day. Ana asks if Christian's housekeeper is an ex-sub of his, which is a bizarre thing to think, but whatever. She's not. Christian mentions that he never hires anyone he's had sexual relationships with but would make an exception for her. Like a normal human, Ana doesn't love this.

"Dear Mr. Grey,

I think I have already expressed my reservations about working for your company. My views on this have not changed, are not changing, and will not change, ever."

Christian, as ever, is confused.

"For some reason I'm mildly irritated to hear that she wouldn't want to work for me. She has an impressive GPA. She's bright, charming, funny; she'd be an asset to any company." -- Literally I am all these things. And I'm not even trying to be self-centered. My undergraduate GPA could be classified as "impressive," I'm generally bright, and I can charm the pants off anyone. So whyyyyy aren't incredibly hot billionaires breaking down my door to work for them? Because I don't have any WORK EXPERIENCE. Which Ana also does not have. She would not be an asset to any company. She would be an asset to Christian's company specifically, mostly because of her ass.

Ana emails Christian, after being given all of the treatments involved in a first class upgrade (massages? manicures? I have no idea if this is accurate at all). She mentions that his "stalking knows no bounds" which is grossly accurate, but she doesn't actually seem bothered. He asks her who was massaging her back and she responds with exactly what Christian deserves.

"A very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed. I wouldn't have encountered Jean-Paul in the ordinary departure lounge - so thank you for that treat." -- yaaaaaas, girl. make him jealous!

"Is she trying to make me jealous? Does she have any idea how mad I can get? She's been gone for a few hours, and she's deliberately making me angry. Why does she do this to me?"

He emails her back, stating that if she tries to make him angry on purpose again, she'll be bound and gagged in a crate in the cargo hold (I'm preeeetty sure this is illegal? But who the fuck knows anymore?). Her response is concerned because she's FUCKING KIDDING and has no idea if his weird threats on her well-being are also jokes or if he's as horrifyingly scary as we all know he is. He responds:

"How can you be emailing? Are you risking the life of everyone on board, including yourself, by using your BlackBerry? I think that contravenes one of the rules." -- Yeah, sure, except wifi has been a thing on planes for a long fucking time now so maybe just stop being such a fucking baby about everything jfc.

We end the chapter with Christian sitting down to play his piano because he's in a shitty mood. 

15 chapters down, 10 to go. Help me.

Grey: Chapter 13 and Chapter 14

Or, Saturday, May 28, 2011

Okay, so we're coming off of a particularly difficult and uncomfortable chapter. I can't say whether or not the remainder of the book will be better or worse, but I hope we're all prepared for whatever ELJ has in store.

So. On to the chapter.

Christian is picking up his sister, Mia, from the airport today. Mia is modeled after Alice Cullen and for some bizarre reason, The Powers That Be chose to cast Rita Ora in the film. Mia has a much smaller part on screen than she does in print, and I don't know if it matters or not. Unlike Alice Cullen, Mia is a throw away plot device. No one is really sure what her function is, other than to constantly annoy Christian with her happiness. And her incredibly stereotypical retelling of her time in Paris.

"Mia proceeds to talk nonstop about Paris: her tiny room, the plumbing, Sacre-Coeur, Montmartre, Parisians, coffee, red wine, cheese, fashion, shopping. But mainly about fashion and shopping. And I thought she went to Paris to learn to cook."

After he drops Mia off at his parents' house - he gets out quickly so they can't ask him about Ana - Christian returns home to discover a package.

"Oh yes. I recognize the anonymous wrapping: it's the riding crop." -- oh, goodie. also, I thought the whole point of anonymous wrapping is to be unrecognizable. 

"Taking the crop, I stroll into my bedroom. This will be the perfect introduction to my world: by her own admission Ana has no sphere of reference with regard to corporal punishment, except the spanking I gave her that night." 

This chapter is really disjointed. We jump from setting to setting - Christian's mom's house, Christian's apartment, back to Christian's mom's house - with no frame of reference for  how much time has elapsed. We go straight from:

"As I shower I wonder if having to chase Ana has made her more interesting . . . or is it Ana herself?" -- which is a shitty sentence that once again reduces Ana to nothing more than a shiny object for Christian to play with -- 

To:

"Dinner has been fun."

Like. Thank you? For the sudden and awkward jump forward? I'm not really sure how or when we ended up at your parents' house, but since we're here, I guess we'll keep going - for exactly half a page because this chapter is only 4 pages long. And nothing happens. Christian is at dinner and everyone wants to hear about Ana and everyone wants to meet her so he's supposed to bring her for dinner the next night. The chapter ends with:

"Shit. It looks like Anastasia Steele is going to meet my family. I don't know how I feel about this." -- what are you afraid of, Christian? that Ana's going to ask your psychologist mother if her son has always been an abusive fuck?

Chapter 14: Or, Sunday, May 29, 2011

This is the longest chapter of my life. Coming off of a delightful 4-page chapter, chapter 14 is an unbelievable 49 pages. 

"With the Rolling Stones' "Shake Your Hips" blasting in my ears, I sprint down Fourth Avenue and turn right on Vine. It's 6:45 in the morning, and it's downhill all the way . . . to her apartment. I'm drawn; I just want to see where she lives.

It's between control freak and stalker.

I chuckle to myself. I'm just running. It's a free country." -- this is not funny.

"The water on the Sound is a glassy leaden color, matching the sky. But it does nothing to dampen m spirits.

Today's the day." -- that what? you finally murder her?

Christian emails Ana the details for how to drive to his apartment - where to park, what the code is for the elevator - and she responds.

"'Yes, Sir. Understood.

Thank you for the champagne and the blow-up Charlie Tango, which is now tied to my bed.

Ana'

An image of Ana tethered to her bed with my tie comes to mind. I shift in my chair. I hope she's brought that bed to Seattle." -- Charlie Tango is Christian's name for his helicopter, by the way. And ALSO, he's managed to take a pretty cute admission and turn it into something that literally no one wants to think about.

Ana arrives at Christian's apartment around 1:00pm. He's scheduled a gynecologist appointment for her so she can be put on birth control. Because apparently ELJ thinks that a gynecological exam is necessary for birth control. It is not. 

"'Have you eaten?'

'No.'

Not at all? Okay. We'll have to fix this. I drag my hand through my hair, and in as even a tone as I can manage I ask, 'Are you hungry?'

'Not for food,' she teases.

Whoa. She might as well be addressing my groin." -- I'd like us all to take this moment to imagine Dakota Johnson kneeling down and speaking directly to Jamie Dornan's crotch. I'll wait.

Once Christian has composed himself, and his genitals, he invites Ana to dinner with his parents and tells her it will be "odd" for him to introduce her to his family.

"'Are you ashamed of me?' She sounds choked.

Oh, for heaven's sake. 'Of course not.' Of all the ridiculous things to say!" -- for heaven's sake, Christian. lets treat Ana like an adult person, okay?

In the middle of what had the potential to be an argument, the gynecologist Christian called for Ana arrives. 

"'Thank you for coming on such short notice.' I flash her my most benign smile." --  For the purpose of being thorough, I did a Google search for 'benign smile.'

This was the first picture that came up. It's entitled Franz Liszt the Hungarian Musician in Old Age with a Benign Smile on His Face. Let it never be said that I have not done my due diligence for this blog.

"'I'll be downstairs,' I acquiesce. Though I would like to watch. I'm sure the good doctor's reaction would be priceless if I made that request." -- Eww? Like. Just eww? Why on earth would you want to watch someone else's gynecological exam? Why? Do you not get enough personal time with her vagina already? Also, this is the second time ELJ has written the phrase "good doctor" in under a page and it was weird the first time.

"Eventually, their footsteps echo in the corridor (Christian's apartment has corridors), and I look up as they enter. 'Are you done?' I ask, and hit the remote for the iPod, to quiet the aria.

'Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman.'

What has Ana told her? 

'I fully intend to,' I say, with a quick what-the-fuck glance at Ana.

She bats her lashes, clueless."

YOU'RE WELCOME

They sit down to eat, and as always, have riveting conversation.

"She takes a bite, then another . . . and another. She's eating!

'So I can put chicken Caesar on the list for Mrs. Jones?' I ask.

'I thought I'd be doing the cooking.'

'Yes. You will.'

She finished before I do. She must have been starving. 

'Eager as ever, Miss Steele?'

'Yes,' she says, giving me a demure look from beneath her lashes." -- I remember when I first read Fifty Shades, Ana commented on gazing at Christian "surreptitiously" through her lashes. I had no idea what the hell that was supposed to look like, but I guess we'll just go with demure. Honestly, it's taking everything I have not to use the Buzz Lightyear gif again.

yolo.

They take a trip to Christian's Red Room of Pain for Ana's first round as Christian's Submissive. Though, as Ana aptly points out, she hasn't signed anything. Christian replies that he's aware she hasn't signed the contract, but seems to forget just a page later.

"'When you're in here, you are completely mine. To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?'" -- Nope. No, I do not. You can't "do with her as you see fit" because SHE HASN'T SIGNED YOUR STUPID FUCKING AGREEMENT. WE'RE 309 PAGES INTO THIS GOD FORSAKEN BOOK AND YOU HAVEN'T YET FOUND 15 SECONDS TO GET HER FUCKING SIGNATURE.

Anyway, he tells her that when he calls her into this room, her hair will be braided (because we ALL know how into that he is), she'll be in just her panties, and she'll kneel by the door with her eyes at the ground. He attaches her to his "restraining system" that hangs from the ceiling.

"Slowly I walk around her, admiring the view. Could she look hotter? 'You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth quiet for now. I like that.'" -- I dream of a day when this dialogue is believable.

"She opens her mouth for me as I kiss her, my tongue exploring her, reveling in the taste of her lust.

'Oh, baby, you taste mighty fine,' I whisper." -- There are certain words and phrases that will become extremely distracting to a reader if you use them frequently. "Mighty fine" is one of them, particularly when it's coming out of the mouth of a young, rich, Seattleite in the year 2011. It's a charming and common phrase when used by Nathan Fillion, captain of the transport ship, Serenity. It makes perfect sense coming out of the mouth of the men in O Brother, Where Art Thou? This phrase does not fit in Christian's vernacular whatsoever, and you've forced it on me twice in less than a page. Stop it.

They have lots of poorly written (but no less explosive) sex, and Christian's thoughts do bizarre things again.

"She. Is. So. Fucking. Sweet.

Slowly I slide out of her, then grip her hip with my free hand and tighten my hold on her hair.

Submissive." -- This. Doesn't. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense.

After, Christian carries Ana to her bedroom, as she's too exhausted to walk. In a moment of weakness, he crawls into bed with her, which is a huge no-no. The next thing he knows, he's waking up from their nap still in her bed.

"She's fast asleep beside me. I lie back and stare at the ceiling. 

When have I ever slept in this room?

Never.

The thought is unnerving, and for some unfathomable reason it makes me uneasy." 

Ana wakes up and it's time to go to dinner. Christian thinks he'll be hilarious and steal her panties so she can't wear them to his parents' house, but she doesn't care. 

"She never fails to surprise, impress, and disarm me. Now I will have to sit through dinner with my parents, knowing my girl is not wearing any underwear. In fact, I'm traveling down in this elevator right now, knowing she's naked beneath her skirt." -- no, no, NO, NO, NO. You've spent this entire book writing in first person present tense using regular verbs and now, for one sentence only, you're going to throw in irregular verbs and totally throw off the flow of the entire thing. Do not try to break the fourth wall by making Christian talk to the reader (trust me, we don't want to talk to him). 

"She's quiet as Taylor drives us north on I-5. I catch a glimpse of Union Lake; the moon disappears behind a cloud, and the water darkens, like my mood." -- Sorry, ELJ. You want to write a character from Seattle, you're gonna have to research long enough to know that it's Lake Union, not Union Lake. And yes, that fucking matters.

We arrive at Christian's parents' house for dinner. Christian is upset about how much his family is fawning all over Ana, even though they're acting exactly the way all parents act when their son brings a significant other to meet them. Things go from bad to worse, when Christian's father, Carrick, asks her if she's taking a break now that she's graduated.

"'I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,' she answers.

'Georgia?' I exclaim, unable to hide my surprise.

'My mother lives there,' she says, her voice wavering, 'and I haven't seen her for a while.'

'When were you thinking of going?' I snap.

'Tomorrow, late evening.'

Tomorrow! What the fuck? And I'm only hearing of this now?

'For how long?' I persist, trying to keep my voice level.

'I don't know yet. It will depend on how my interviews go tomorrow.'

Interviews? Tomorrow?

.....

When was she going to tell me this? I'm here with her for two minutes and I'm finding out details of her life that I should know! 

.....

'When were you going to tell me you were leaving?' My temper is rapidly unraveling.

'I'm not leaving. I'm going to see my mother. And I was only thinking about it.' Ana dismisses me, as if I'm a child. (well.... she's not wrong)

'What about our arrangement?'

'We don't have an arrangement yet.'"

Hey, Christian. Remember not too long ago, in this post, when I made the observation that we're over 300 pages into your life and you haven't found 15 seconds to get her signature? Remember that? It's okay if you don't. You can just scroll up. It's fine. I'll wait. 

You can't have it both ways. Either she's your submissive and can't do anything (except maybe breathe) without your permission, or you have a relationship and she gets to be her own person and have a life and a family and things that she has absolutely no obligation to tell you about. Sure, it's a little out of the blue that she's just now thinking about flying across the country tomorrow night. That's going to be an expensive plane ticket. But you know what you don't get to do with this information? Tell her she broke an agreement she hasn't even fucking agreed to.

Dinner is just about as awkward as you'd expect it to be. Christian is mad at Ana for something he has no reason to be mad about, and Kate is eager to make it worse. I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that Kate is the worst best friend in the history of fictional best friends. Even worse than Frodo. Sure, she doesn't know that Christian is probably going to beat the living shit out of Ana for what she's about to say, but even if he wasn't, she's intentionally trying to drive a wedge between Christian and Ana. If you have a problem with your friend's relationship, you go to your friend about it. You don't try to tear it apart in front of the boyfriend's family. 

"Kate smirks. 'How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?' she asks, with a brash look in my direction.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This?

Ana tenses beside me.

'He was fine,' she says quietly.

'Palm-twitchingly mad,' I whisper to her. 'Especially now.

So she went to a bar with the guy who was trying to ram his tongue down her throat the last time I saw him. And she'd already agreed to be mine. Sneaking off to a bar with another man? And without my permission . . ."  -- this is fucking scary. 

Christian begins to contemplate all the various ways that he can punish Ana, when his mother, Grace, returns from taking a phone call.

"Grace returns, looking worried. 'Everything okay?' Dad asks, and we all look up at her.

'Another measles case.' Grace sighs heavily.

'Oh no,' Dad says.

'Yes, a child. The fourth case this month. If only people would get their kids vaccinated.' Grace shakes her head."

It's all because of that damn global warming.

I'd like to take this moment to thank ELJ for using her bizarre brand of fame to speak out against anti-vaxxers. Vaccinate your kids, kids. It's important.

"Ana is eating heartily and listening to the banter. Everyone else has calmed down, and my family is being less weird. Why am I so tense? This happens every day all across the country, families gathering to enjoy good food and each other's company. Am I tense because I have Ana here? Am I worried they won't like her, or that she won't like them? Or is it because she's fucking off to Georgia tomorrow, and I knew nothing about that?

It's confusing." -- BREAKING: Christian is confused by basic human emotion, object permanence, and has trouble grasping that a person can feel multiple things about multiple things at once. Christian is a toddler.

"I put my hand on Ana's knee again; I need to touch her. Besides, she should accept my touch, whenever I want to touch her. I gauge her reaction as my fingers travel up her thigh toward her panty-free zone, teasing her skin. Her breath catches and she squeezes her thighs together, blocking my fingers, stopping me.

That's it." -- Christian, did you know that Ana is a person? A person meeting someone's family for the first time? A person who HAS ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO SATISFY YOUR INSATIABLE NEED TO BE DISGUSTING?

He drags her away from the conversation under the pretense that he's going to give her a tour of the yard. Once outside, he throws her over his shoulder and carries her to the boathouse so they can be alone. 

"'Please don't hit me,' she whispers.

I don't understand. I stare down at her blankly." -- She's afraid of you Christian. I hope you're fucking happy.

Somehow, this doesn't lead to an apology or discussion of their relationship, but instead, sex.

"My hands grip her hair and I savor her taste, her tongue, her frame against mine as my body ignites like gasoline."

Wishful thinking.

Dinner ends and they return to Christian's apartment. In the car, Ana agrees to sign his contract, but Christian tells her to sign it when she gets back from Georgia. Christian asks her to stay with him for the night and she agrees. He wants to have sex, obviously. But a hitch is put in his plans when she asks to touch him. 

"'I want to touch you.'

Fuck. No. I step back as the darkness closes around my ribs.

'Please,' she whispers.

No. No. Haven't I made it clear?

I can't bear to be touched. I can't.

Ever.

.....

'Imagine if I said you couldn't touch me,' she says, as argumentative as ever.

She's not going to let this go. I sit down on the bed. 'Anastasia, I've told you. Fifty Shades. I had a rough start in life - you don't want that shit in your head. Why would you?'"

Ana gets this idea that if she lets him spank her, he'll tell her what's going on in his head. To me, this is a pretty shitty trade off, but what do I know?

"'Always so keen and eager for information,' I marvel. And a thought occurs to me: I could spank her. I've wanted to since dinner, but I could make it fun.

I get off the bed. 'Don't go away,' I warn, and leave the room. From my study I pick up the key to the playroom and head upstairs. In the playroom chest I retrieve the toys I want and contemplate lube as well, but on reflection, and judging from recent experience, I don't think Ana will need any. 

She's sitting on the bed when I get back, her expression bright with curiosity.

'When's your first interview tomorrow?' I ask.

'Two.'

Excellent. No early morning.

'Good Get off the bed. Stand over here.' I point to a spot in front of me. Ana scrambles off with no hesitation, eager as ever. She's waiting.

'Trust me?'

She nods, and I hold out my had, revealing two silver kegel balls. She frowns and looks from the balls to me. 'These are new. I am going to put these inside you and then I'm going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.'"

And this is how the chapter ends. That's it. You're left uncomfortable at the way this whole thing has played out, and with awkward and unpleasant imagery. On a more positive note, the first sentence of the next chapter is:

"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."

Grey: Chapter 12

Or, Friday, May 27, 2011.

This is a trigger warning for emotional abuse/gaslighting/rape inferences.

I apologize for my prolonged absence. I've been working and, quite frankly, haven't been able to find it within myself to open this book once in the last 5 days. There will be another long pause for posts after this, potentially as long as a week, depending on how things go. But, we're here now. So let's get started.

When we last saw Christian, he was about to have some kind of breakdown because Ana sent him an email stating "I'm not sure I like you anyway, especially at the moment."

The chapter begins with his response email, asking why she doesn't like him. Ana gives an incredible answer, that literally every single person except Christian saw coming: "Because you never stay with me." Cue shock. Cue awe.

"Six words.
Six little words that make my scalp tingle.
I told her I didn't sleep with anyone.
But today was a big day.
She graduated from college.
She said yes.
We went through all of those soft limits that she knew nothing about. We fucked. I spanked her. We fucked again." -- It's true. Ana has had a very trying day. 

So, Christian being the good guy that he is (or something), drops everything and hauls ass to Ana's place. He's there in 23 minutes and Kate answers the door.

"'What the fuck do you think you're doing here?' she shouts, her eyes blazing with anger.

Whoa. Not the reception I was expecting." -- really? are you sure? because if Ana is upset and the reason is you and Kate is her best friend, this is EXACTLY the reception you should have been expecting.

"I open Ana's door and switch on the main light. She's huddled in her bed, wrapped in her comforter. Her eyes are red and puffy, and squinting in the overhead light. Her nose is swollen and blotchy.

I've seen women in this state many times, especially after I've punished them." -- it's hard to understand why any woman would pass up the chance to be with Christian, really.

"'You said you wanted me to stay, so here I am.' Nice save, Grey. 'And yet I find you like this.' You weren't like this when I left. 'I'm sure I'm responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?'" -- I mean, I'm not the expert here, but. I'm gonna go with yes.

"'I take it that when you said you okay, you weren't.'

'I thought I was fine,' she admits.

'Anastasia, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest. How can I trust anything you've said to me?'" -- see this shit? this shit is called GASLIGHTING. It's a form of mental/emotional abuse that twists or intentionally misinterprets the words of someone as a means to control them. She literally just told Christian, "I thought I was fine." THIS IS HONEST! Every person on this fucking planet has been in a situation where they thought they were fine in the moment, but realized later that it was, in fact, super fucked up and actually they were not okay at all. But does Christian say, "okay, next time, assuming there is one, I'll stick around for a little while longer, we'll talk things out, and I'll only leave when we're both sure that you're not fucking traumatized"???? No. Instead, he makes it HER FAULT WHICH IT IS NOT AND IN TURN MAKES HER FEEL LIKE SHE HAS LIED TO HIM AND THAT SHE DESERVES ALL THE SHIT HE DOES TO HER. THIS IS SO ABUSIVE AND UNHEALTHY WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM

Christian and Ana then have a discussion about punishment, and why she isn't supposed to like it, and why he does like it, which he can't tell her for his own very mysterious 'fifty shades of fucked up' reasons, And then shit gets even worse.

"'How did you feel afterward?'

She blinks. 'Confused.'

'You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia.'

You have an inner freak, Ana. I know it.

Closing my eyes, I recall her wet and wanting around my fingers after I spanked her."

TEACHING MOMENT!!

Hey, kids! Did you know that your body can react in a sexual way even if your mind is totally and 100% not loving what's happening? Or for no fucking reason at all? That's why, when a guy is feeling all over a girl and she says 'no' and he responds with 'but you're so wet, you know you want it' SHE CAN STILL SAY NO AND ABSOLUTELY NOT WANT IT. This also happens to men, who know all too well the inconvenience of getting a mystery boner during math class. For men especially, this is why rape reports are so often discredited. "Well you had an erection so you were consenting." NO HE FUCKING WASN'T. Your body is a fucking weird thing and THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SAY THEY ARE ENJOYING SOMETHING IS THE PERSON THAT THE SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO. YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL ANOTHER PERSON THAT THEY ARE SEXUALLY AROUSED. YOU DO NOT. THERE IS LITERALLY AN ENTIRE SONG ABOUT THE BULLSHIT CHRISTIAN JUST PULLED.

Everything about this post is making me physically ill.

Somehow, Ana is not angry enough with this bullshit to tell him to get the fuck out of her apartment, and he stays the night instead.

Christian has a dream about apples and being 5, and the apples fall on him and it hurts. Riveting stuff.

He wakes up with Ana, realizes he's overslept, and books it back to Portland just in time to be late for a meeting. 

During his meeting, Christian gets an email from Ana regarding their earlier discussion.

"You wanted to know why I felt confused after you - which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me.

Well, during the whole alarming process, I felt demeaned, debased, and abused."

The email goes on to explain that she was sexually aroused, and that this conflicted with her other feelings and that this resulted in the confusion she had previously mentioned. Christian replies, and, of all of his possible responses, he chooses this.

"So you felt demeaned, debased, abused, and assaulted - how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement, if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST TRY TO EMBRACE THESE FEELINGS, DEAL WITH THEM, FOR ME? THAT'S WHAT A SUBMISSIVE WOULD DO."

JUST FUCKING STOP. I genuinely could not give fewer fucks about what the rest of this email contains. Relationships are not about debasement. They are not about demeaning the other person. A true Dominant would never want his Submissive to feel abused (unless, of course, that kind of thing had been discussed between them, WHICH IT HAS NOT BEEN). The pain inflicted in a BDSM relationship is done for pleasure. Not humiliation. THIS. IS. ABUSE. And telling someone who has already commented on her inexperience ("As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to me") that bowing down to this kind of treatment is "what a submissive would do", is not only incorrect, but it's blatantly taking advantage of her lack of knowledge. This is the emotional equivalent of "If you really loved me you'd do _____." I really don't know how many times I can say this before I'm beating a dead horse, but guilt-tripping and gaslighting IS NOT OKAY. For EL James to romanticize this bullshit is sickening.

He goes on in the email to tell her to listen to her body. So she responds by telling him that if she were listening to her body, she'd be in Alaska by now. Good instinct, sweetie. Unfortunately, you can't run from Christian.

"Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.

I can track your cell phone - remember?"

Literally what the fuck is happening here? How the hell do people think this shit is sexy???? If a man EVER said something like this to me, I would call the police and microwave my fucking phone. 

The emailing finally stops and Christian finishes his meeting. He then tells his assistant to "investigate all the publishing houses in Seattle and see if any are ripe for a takeover." Why would he do that? It's not like Ana said she had some interviews at Seattle publishing houses. And it's not like Christian would purchase whatever company hires her just so he can keep her a little further under his thumb. Oh, wait.

So. Nothing really happens over the next few pages. Christian has a BlackBerry delivered to Ana so he can further monitor her. He does some businessy stuff. He calls and emails Ana incessantly and she does not respond, making him incredibly angry. As he's walking off his rage in his living room (something I can now relate to, thanks to this chapter), he has a deep and existential thought.

"I wander around my apartment, my footsteps echoing through the living room, and it seems achingly empty since I was last here. I undo my bow tie. Perhaps it's me that's empty."

Finally Ana calls, tells Christian she's fine and that she'll see him Sunday. And then they engage in an actual "You hang up." "No, you hang up." match. Ana hangs up first. Christian goes to bed.

I don't think there's a "baby" count this time. I don't remember if it was actually in the chapter and quite frankly, I do not care.

Grey: Chapter 11

Or, Thursday, May 26, 2011

Well, here we are again. Page 216 of only 559. When we left Christian and Ana, she had just left their "contract" negotiations without allowing Christian to seduce her. The nerve. After emailing her a few times with no response, Christian finally falls asleep.

Chapter 11 opens with one of Christian's dreams. I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be 4 or 5 in the dream, but honestly, who can tell?
"When is Mommy coming home?
Sometimes she comes home with him. I hate him. I hide when he comes. My favorite place is in my Mommy's closet. It smells of Mommy. It smells of Mommy when she's happy.
When is Mommy coming home?
My bed is cold. And I am hungry. I have my blankie and my cars but not my mommy. When is Mommy coming home?

I wake with a start.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

Having still not heard from Ana, his anxiety grows even though he'll be seeing her in a matter of hours at her graduation ceremony. As he's sitting and pouting, he gets an email from his sister, Mia. This causes more pouting, and the fact that Mia calls Ana his girlfriend causes, you guessed it, even more pouting.

At 10am, he still hasn't heard from Ana. It's not like she has a huge milestone to prepare for today or anything. I mean, honestly. Did any of you think she'd make it to graduation? So excuse, her Christian, if she can't be bothered to deal with your neediness today.

Once on stage, Christian scans the auditorium for Ana.
"I find her huddled in the second row. She's alive. I feel foolish for expending so much anxiety and energy on her whereabouts last night and this morning. Her brilliant blue eyes are wide as they lock with mine, and she shifts in her seat, a slow flush coloring her cheeks.
Yes. I've found you. And you haven't replied to my  messages."

"She's avoiding me and I'm pissed. Really pissed. Closing my eyes, I imagine dripping hot wax onto her breasts and her squirming beneath me. This has a radical effect on my body."

Christian gives his commencement speech, which is less about the graduates themselves, and more a social commentary on global warming, and I'm reminded of a certain treehugging character from a particularly terrible movie.

If you haven't seen Birdemic, go watch it.

After the ceremony, Christian finds Ana and proceeds to act, again, like a petulant 12-year-old.

"'Why haven't you e-mailed me? Or texted me back?' I demand.

She blinks a couple of times, consternation writ large on her face. 'I haven't looked at my computer today, or my phone.' She seems genuinely bewildered by my outburst. (she's been fucking busy, Christian. calm the fuck down.)

...

I close my eyes. All this time I thought she didn't want to talk to me. 'I've been worried about you.'"

They argue for a while about her car, even though it's perfectly safe and fine and Christian needs to just get the fuck over himself, until Ana finally excuses herself to go spend some time with her family. Christian suggests meeting her step dad, and then has weird thoughts when she responds.

"'Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him.'

Her uncertainty magnifies. 'I'm not sure that's a good idea,' she says darkly, as I unlock the door.

What? Why? Is this because she now knows I was dirt-poor as a kid? Or because she knows how I like to fuck? That I'm a freak?

'Are you ashamed of me?'

'No!' she exclaims, and she rolls her eyes in frustration. 'Introduce you to my dad as what?' She raises her hand in exasperation. "'This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship?'"

You can't just tell your dad he's your boyfriend? Or your friend? Or some dude you just ran into? Or the man you interviewed for the newspaper? OR THE PERSON WHO JUST GAVE THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS? There are SO MANY OTHER OPTIONS. Actually, maybe if you just told him that he was emotionally manipulating you into a relationship, your stepdad could just shoot him and this book would be over right now.

We go through a few pages of platitudes between Christian and Ana's stepfather, and it's incredibly boring and forced and painful. Christian is still trying to convince Ana to agree to the relationship with him, and frankly, it's getting irritating at this point. But finally, either truly wanting to or just having been worn down by his constant bitching, Ana agrees to this arrangement.

"Please. Try it my way.

Her gaze is intense as she searches my face, looking for clues. And for a moment I'm lost in blue eyes that see everything. (Ana has 20/20 vision. Good for her.)

'Okay,' she whispers.

'What?' Every hair on my body stands to attention. (ew.)

'Okay. I'll try.'

'You're agreeing?' I don't believe it.

'Subject to the soft limits, yes. I'll try.'"

Christian leaves the graduation, and in the car, he ponders on whether or not he can do more. Ana wants an actual relationship, but Christian can't do that. But Christian wants Ana. So maybe he can try? He decides to think it over in the gym. 

He emails Ana, telling her that he's willing to discuss her soft limits at any time and that she looked beautiful at the graduation. Then he ponders a little bit about how she didn't have her phone and how that caused him an incredible amount of stress. What could he do to amend the situation?

"Taylor

Please source a new BlackBerry for Anastasia Steele with her e-mail preinstalled. Andrea can get the account details from Barney and get them to you.

Please deliver it tomorrow either to her home or to Clayton's." -- Ah, yes. Just give her more things, even though she's expressed acute discomfort at being given this shit. 

Christian gets a call from his mother, telling him that he and Ana are invited to dinner and Christian is upset about it. Surprise. As he's contemplating how to get out of Ana meeting his family, he receives an email. 

"'I can come over this evening to discuss if you'd like.

Ana'

No, no baby. Not in that car. And my plans fall into place.

'I'll come to you. I meant it when I said I wasn't happy about you driving that car. 

I'll be with you shortly.'"

You know. I'm just. I am so irritated about this 'no you cannot drive that car' bullshit. She's obviously survived just fine thus far. The problem Christian has with the car is not that it's old, it's that Jose is the one who helps Ana with its upkeep. We've established a thousand times already that there is nothing about Jose that would interfere with whatever depraved shit Christian has in store for Ana, so fucking give it up already. 

Christian decides to deliver Ana's new car to her personally - because there's no way that could go wrong, right? He gets to her apartment and finds a wrapped up package with a note attached.

"There's a brown parcel on the table with the handwritten note attached.

'I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know

best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - 

don't make it more than I can bear!'

'Do you want saucers as well?' she calls.

'Teacups will be fine, Anastasia,' I respond, distracted. She's wrapped up the books - the first editions I sent her. She's giving them back to me. She doesn't want them. This is why she's nervous.

How the hell will she react to the car?"

POORLY, CHRISTIAN. SHE WILL REACT POORLY. WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW, BECAUSE 23 FUCKING PAGES AGO SHE SAID 'YOU ARE NOT BUYING ME A CAR.'

"'I bought these for you.' It's a small white lie - as I've replaced them. 'I'll go easier on you if you accept them.' I keep my voice calm and quiet, masking my disappointment.

'Christian, I can't accept them, they're just too much.'

Here we go, another battle of wills.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." -- really? really? this translates to "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Which is fine, except that I refuse to believe that EL James stuck it in here for any other reason than to be like 'Hey everyone look I don't ONLY use Wikipedia, sometimes I use Google Translate too!' 

So, since Christian can't have Ana defying him on anything else tonight, he makes the calculated decision to get her drunk.

"'Some more?' I nod toward the bottle on the table. 

'Please.'

I fetch the champagne and refill her cup. She regards me suspiciously. She knows I'm playing her with alcohol.

'This place looks pretty bare. Are you ready for the move?' I ask, to distract her." -- just stop.

He asks her what she's going to do for work when she gets to Seattle, and when she tells him she has some interviews for a few publishing houses, he angrily demands to know when she was going to tell him. He presses her for the names of the companies and she doesn't want to tell him.

"'Why don't you want me to know?'

'Undue influence,' she says.

What does that mean? I frown.

'Oh, now you're being obtuse,' she says, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

'Obtuse?' I laugh. 'Me? God, you're challenging. Drink up, let's talk about these limits.'

Her eyelashes flutter and she takes a shaky breath, then drains her cup."

IT'S BAAAAAAAAAACK

And here we are at the soft limits. The list is as follows:

- Masturbation

- Cunnilingus

- Fellatio

- Swallowing Semen

- Vaginal intercourse

- Vaginal fisting

- Anal intercourse

- Anal fisting

Ana has already said 'hell no' to fisting of any kind, and Christian asks if there's anything else she objects to.

"She swallows. 'Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat.'

'I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.'

She inhales sharply, gazing at me.

'But we'll wait for that. Besides, it's not something we can dive into.' I can't help my smirk. 'Your ass will need training.'"

"'So, swallowing semen okay?' I ask, trying to bring her back to the now. She nods and finishes her champagne.

'More?' I ask.

Steady, Grey, you just want her tipsy, not drunk."

Once again, they have what is apparently mindblowing sex (regardless of the still uncomfortable dialogue), and as they're cuddling after, Ana accidentally touches Christian's chest, which is a big no-no.

"'Don't,' I plead, and kiss her lips as I dampen down my fear. 

'Why don't you like to be touched?'

'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.'" -- FINALLY AFTER 253 PAGES WE HAVE INCLUDED THE TITLE OF THE SERIES INTO THE DIALOGUE HALLELUJAH

Ana asks Christian to stay, even though we all know that's not going to happen. He says he'd like to try a scene with her, but not until she signs the contract, so he knows she's ready. Ana makes the observation that she could just drag out their current relationship by not signing, and Christian gets creepy again.

"'Well, I suppose you could, but I may crack under the strain.'

'Crack? How?' she queries, her eyes alive with curiosity.

'Could get really ugly,' I tease, narrowing my eyes.

'Ugly, how?' Her grin matches mine.

'Oh, you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration.'

'You'd kidnap me?'

'Oh yes.'

'Hold me against my will?'

'Oh yes.' Now, that's an interesting idea. 'And then we're talking TPE twenty-four-seven.' -- THAT IS NOT AN INTERESTING IDEA THAT IS A CRIME

He leaves, even though we all know she didn't want him to, and after he gets back to his hotel, an email exchange takes place. He tells her she's exquisite, she tells him that she's "just some girl he fucks occasionally," he tells her not to talk about herself that way and that Taylor will dispose of her car, she tells him that she can do it and that she isn't sure she likes him. I hate this book.

I haven't posted in a while and this post in particular took an extremely long time to write. So naturally, I'm going to try to post again tonight. We'll see though.

Chapter 11 "baby" count: 9

Total "baby" count: 54