Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

When we left Ana, she had been moved to tears by Christian's not-so-subtle "you're a commodity" email. Distressed and staring into the darkness, I assume she fell asleep at some point. We enter chapter 14 with Ana in the throes of her first erotic dream. Ever. At 21 years old. The first.

She's dreaming that Christian is teasing her with a leather riding crop, and she's panting. A lot.
"Reaching forward, he trails the tip of the crop from my forehead down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted, panting lips. He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather. 
'Suck,' he commands his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey. 
'Enough,' he snaps.
I'm panting once more as he tugs the crop out of my mouth, trails it down and under my chin, on down my neck to the hollow at the base of my throat. He swirls it slowly there and then continues to drag the tip down my body, along my sternum, between my breasts, over my torso down to my navel. I'm panting, squirming, pulling against my restraints that are biting into my wrists and ankles." -- 139 is not enough words to write 'panting' three times and have it go unnoticed.

Thankfully, the dream is soon over (because Ana is a rare snowflake who can just have an orgasm at the drop of a hat), and Ana has no idea what's happening.
"Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm. Holy hell. I'm completely disoriented. What the hell just happened? I'm in my bedroom alone. How? Why? I sit bolt upright, shocked . . . wow. It's morning. I glance at my alarm clock - eight o'clock. I put my head in my hands. I didn't know I could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research manifesting itself in my first wet dream." -- yeah, Ana. that's it. oysters you ate 12 hours ago are giving you sleep orgasms. if that were the case, everyone would eat oysters all the time.

Grudgingly (I assume), Ana gets out of bed to find Kate prancing around the kitchen. Obviously, the second she sees Ana, she launches into her infamous Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition - honestly, how dare she ask how her best friend's date went? The nerve.
"What can I say? His HIV status is clear, he's heavily into role-play, wants me to obey his every command, he hurt someone he tied to his bedroom ceiling, and he wanted to fuck me in the private dining room. Would that be a good summary?" -- probably not.

She asks Kate if she'd like some tea and offers to listen to her speech for the graduation ceremony later. Kate runs off to get her laptop and leaves Ana to contemplate Christian's indecent proposal.
"I am so confused. Christian's idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It's not how I envisaged my first romance - but, of course, Christian doesn't do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no . . . and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive - deep down, it's the canes and whips that put me off. I'm a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream . . . is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me."

We jump forward for no real reason, and suddenly Ray (Ana's stepdad) is at Ana's place to take her to her graduation. Kate has left already, because she's giving the valedictorian speech and has to be there early. Ana throws her arms around him in what she describes as "an uncharacteristic display of affection," and Ray is immediately concerned. Ana asks how everyone in Montesano is getting along, but we never get an answer because now we're on campus and Ray is parking his car. We're then whisked away to the auditorium, and Ana is nervous.

"There is no one on the stage yet, but I can't seem to steady my nerves. My heart is pounding, and my breathing is shallow. He's here, somewhere. I wonder if Kate is talking to him, interrogating him maybe. I make my way to my seat amongst fellow students whose surnames also begin with S. I am in the second row, affording me yet more anonymity." -- ELJ has clearly never been to an American college graduation. there's no fucking way Ana is in the second row if she's sitting with the rest of the Ss. And I would know. I AM AN S. the only way she's up there is if she's in the top 10% of her class. which she probably is, but that's not stated, is it? these are details that matter, woman.

As the ceremony commences, Ana sees that Christian has chosen to wear that tie, obviously on purpose. She tries as hard as she can to sink into the floor, but Christian's eyes find her nonetheless. 

"I squirm uncomfortably, hypnotized by his glare as I feel a slow flush spread across my face. Unbidden, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing." -- the delectable clench thing. someday, Ana will learn to recognize that she's sexually aroused, and how to articulate it like an adult. 

The ceremony continues, Kate giving a rousing speech about "What Next After College?" (no, I'm not kidding), and Christian speaking to the auditorium about his mission to feed the world. It's all very exciting. During Christian's speech, he mentions that he knows what it's like to be profoundly hungry, and Ana is shocked. Her shock distracts her for the remainder of Christian's speech. What a great girlfriend.

"I'm seized by a sense of raw outrage. Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian..." -- what an interesting list of adjectives. 

Ana's name is called to collect her degree (btw, ELJ - you don't actually get your degree at the graduation ceremony, but whatever), and Christian asks if she's been having a problem with her laptop. She hasn't so he thinks she's ignoring his emails. Ana is confused. 

"I go back to my seat. E-mails? He must have sent another. What did it say?

The ceremony takes another hour to conclude. It's interminable. Finally, the Chancellor leads the faculty members off the stage to yet more rousing applause, preceded by Christian and Kate. Christian does not glance at me, even though I'm willing him to do it. My inner goddess is not pleased."

Once everyone has filed out of the auditorium, Kate scurries into the lobby to find Ana and tells her that Christian really needs to talk to her. She's surprised and worried, but follows her to the back. 

"'Thank you,' he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men's locker room. He checks to see if it's empty, and then he locks the door.

Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me."

He explains to Ana that he's angry that she hasn't responded to any of his emails or texts (it's not like she was busy getting ready for what I assume is the most monumental occasion of her young life or anything) because she drove home in "that deathtrap," and he's basically been worried that she'd died. 

"'Because you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.'

'What? It's not a deathtrap. It's fine. Jose regularly services it for me.' 

'Jose, the photographer?' Christian's eyes narrow, his face frosting. Oh crap." -- for a wealthy, gorgeous, can-have-any-woman-he-wants guy, Christian is remarkably insecure about an almost-rapist that Ana doesn't even like.

"He takes a deep breath.

'Anastasia, I need an answer from you. This waiting around is driving me crazy.'

'Christian, I . . . look, I've left my stepdad on his own.'

'Tomorrow. I wan't an answer by tomorrow.'

'Okay. Tomorrow, I'll tell you then.' I blink at him." -- the beauty of this conversation really lies in the fact that he never actually has her sign his elusive contract. also:

Christian asks if Ana is staying for drinks and mentions that he'd like to meet her stepdad. She's concerned, obviously, about introducing the two of them, and poor, fragile, insecure Christian seems to think it's because she's embarrassed of him.

"'No!' It's my turn to sound exasperated. 'Introduce you to my dad as what? "This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship/" You're not wearing running shoes.'" -- I mean, you could choose to introduce him like this. maybe your dad is carrying and we could just end the series two and a half books early. no? fine.

Ana goes out and finds Ray. She asks if he'd like to get drinks, all the while hoping he'll say no. Obviously he says yes (honestly, who can sit through a graduation and not need booze afterwards?), so they make their way to the reception room.

"'Can I take my cap and gown off now? I feel kind of dorky.' 

You look kinda dorky . . . my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you're fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles. He'd be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes."

So Ana and her dad go get drinks and as Ana is about to introduce Christian as her friend, Kate jumps in and calls him her boyfriend. Ana is furious because I don't really know why, so she follows Kate when she leaves to go reprimand her. When she comes back, her dad and Christian are having a fairly pleasant conversation and Ray asks her where the bathroom is. 

"Ray heads out. I glance nervously up at Christian. We pause briefly as a photographer takes a picture of both of us.

'Thank you, Mr. Grey.' The photographer scurries off. I blink from the flash."

Not that this is the time or the place, but Ana decides that they need to discuss their relationship. She wants more than just amazing sex, and Christian had better be willing to give that to her or.... actually, she'd just stay for the amazing sex, but that's not the point.

"'But I want more,' I whisper.

'More?' he looks down at me puzzled, his eyes darkening. I nod and swallow. Now he knows.

'More,' he says again, softly. Testing the word - a small, simple word, but so full of promise. His thumb traces my lower lip. 'You want hearts and flowers.'

I nod again. He blinks down at me, and I watch his internal struggle played out in his eyes." 

This is really getting out of hand. 

You never really notice how much characters blink until you decide to make a conscious effort to comment on it every time. 

Christian tells her - again - that hearts and flowers aren't his deal. Also, what are we, 6? I haven't described romance as "hearts and flowers" ever, but anyone who has hasn't done so since primary school. Cut it out.

"'Try it,' he whispers. A challenge, daring me, and he cocks his head to one side and smiles his crooked, dazzling smile.

I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist." -- I hate you.

Ray returns from the bathroom and Ana suddenly realizes what she's done.

"Holy shit, I've just agreed to be his sub. Christian smiles at Ray and his eyes are dancing with joy. 

'Annie, should we get some lunch?'

'Okay.' I blink up at Ray (GODFUCKINGDAMMIT), trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? my subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast." -- how many fucking people do you have in there???

After what I'm presuming was lunch, Ray drops Ana off at home. She gets very emotional as he leaves because he's approved of Christian and she's worried that he'll murder her or something, and the whole situation is very overwhelming. She checks her email and there's one from Christian saying he's happy to discuss the soft limits any time, to which she replies that she's free that evening and can come over that evening. He's really adamant about her not driving her car though, so he decides to come to her.

"Holy crap . . . he's coming over now. I have to get one thing ready for him - the first edition Thomas Hardy books are still on the shelves in the living room. I cannot keep them. I wrap them in brown paper, and I scrawl on the wrapping a direct quote from Tess from the book:

'I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - don't make it more than I can bear!'" 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

It's the next day, and Ana has been very distracted at work and decides to call her mother.
"... at the back of my mind, I'm worried that perhaps I've been too negative in my response to the contract. perhaps he'll call the whole thing off.
My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament, which means he's hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he's as accident-prone as I am. He's expected to make a full recovery, but it means he's resting up, and my mother has to wait on him and and sore foot." -- you're kidding, right? first, if anything, you haven't been negative enough about this contract. second, if Bob twisted a ligament, there is absolutely no reason your mother shouldn't be able to make your graduation. the fuck do you think they make crutches for? unless he's broken his neck, Bob can take care of himself for two days. I call bullshit.

Somehow, Mom knows exactly what's going on with Ana without her having to say a word.
"'Ana, you sound distracted - are you okay, baby?'
'Yes, Mom,' Oh, if only you knew. There's an obscenely rich guy I've met and he wants some kind of strange kinky sexual relationship, in which I don't get a say in things." -- the longer you keep fucking him, the less valid your whining becomes. you're an adult. either keep fucking him, knowing full well what he wants, or get the fuck out.

Ana hangs up with her mom and finds that she's wandered into her room. She's like a character in the Sims, just walking around for no reason whatsoever.
"Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the e-mail program." -- I hate you.

There's an email from Christian, responding to Ana's issues with the contract. As justification, he offers up the definition of "submissive" because that obviously should take care of everything. They argue for a few emails about whether or not Ana is allowed to drive her car to Christian's hotel and Ana finally wins.

"He's even grumpy by e-mail. Doesn't he understand that I may need to make a quick getaway? Not that my Beetle is quick . . . but still - I need a means of escape." -- if this is what's crossing your mind before having dinner with a man, probably you should just stay home.

The next day at work, Ana's coworker won't leave her alone.

"Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York to start an internship with a financing company. He follows me around the store all day asking me for a date. It's annoying.

'Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.'

'No, you don't, you're just saying that to avoid me. You're always avoiding me.'

.......

'Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss's brother.'

'You're finishing here on Friday. You're not working tomorrow.'

'And I'll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you'll be in New York soon. We couldn't get much farther apart if we tried.'" -- are you sure? are you reeeeeally sure? you're graduating from college this week and you think New York is as far away from Seattle as a person can get? also, how is it possible that someone as horribly vapid as you has so many men beating down her door?

Paul continues to press Ana for information on her date, and she gets more and more annoyed.

"'Who then?'

'Paul . . . oh.' My sigh is exasperated. he's not going to let this go. 'Christian Grey.' I cannot help the annoyance in my voice. But it does the trick. Paul's mouth falls open, and he gapes at me, struck dumb. Humph - even his name renders people speechless.

'You have a date with Christian Grey?' he says finally, once he's over the shock. Disbelief is evident in his voice.

'Yes.'

'I see.' Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part of me resents that he should find this a surprise. My inner goddess does, too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers." -- we're all shocked, Ana. literally no one has any idea how you landed this guy. 

Later that night, Ana is getting ready for her meeting with Christian.

"I shower, shave my legs and underarms, wash my hair, and then spend a good half hour drying it so that it falls in soft waves to my breasts and down my back. I slip a comb in to keep one side off my face and apply mascara and some lip gloss. I rarely wear makeup - it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with makeup - maybe I'd know more about it if they had." -- DO YOU GO OUTSIDE 

Ana arrives at the bar, and after garnering a chiding look from the valet for forcing him to park a beat up Volkswagen, enters. She sees Christian leaning against the bar and manages to make it over to him without stumbling through the lobby. They sit, Christian orders her wine, and the conversation begins.

"'Are you nervous?' he asks softly.

'Yes.'

He leans forward.

'Me, too,' he whispers conspiratorially. My eyes shoot up to meet his. Him? Nervous? Never. I blink, and he smiles his adorable lopsided smile at me."

IT LIVES

"The waiter arrives with my wine, a small dish of mixed nuts, and another of olives.

'So, how are we going to do this?' I ask. 'Run through my points one by one?'

'Impatient as ever, Miss Steele.'

'Well, I could ask you what you thought of the weather today.'

He smiles, and his long fingers reach down to collect an olive. He pops it in his mouth, and my eyes linger on his mouth, that mouth, that's been on me . . . all parts of me. I flush." -- god this is gross.

They continue talking, though Ana keeps getting distracted. Christian pulls out a printed version of her email, and starts from the beginning.

"He fishes into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. My e-mail.

'Clause 2. Agreed. This is for the benefit of us both. I shall redraft.'

I blink at him. Holy shit . . . we are going to go through each of these points one at a time."

He moves on to her issues on the sexual health clauses (why isn't he also required to prove to her that he's disease free and all that), and she is, once again, overcome by her own eyelashes.

"'All my recent tests are clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I'm vehemently antidrug. I have a strict no-tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all my employees, and I insist on random drug testing.'

Wow . . . control freakery gone mad. I blink at him, shocked."

She informs him that the contract is legally unenforceable, and he's confused as to why she'd ever think it was.

"'Anastasia, it doesn't matter if it's legal or not.'" -- uhhh, I'm gonna go ahead and say yes, it fucking does.

Christian asks if she's eaten today (of course not), and tells her that they can either eat in the bar or in his private suite. He asks her what she'd prefer to do, and when she says they should stay in public, he decides to move them into the private dining room. Because it's way more fun to give her the illusion of choice. They sit, oysters are brought out, and they begin discussing Ana's issues with the contract. She drinks more wine than she should and he tells her exactly what she wants to hear. At some point, conversation turns from the contract to how much Christian would like to fuck Ana over the table.

"'Christian. You just don't fight fair.'

'I know. I never have.'

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes - play this sex god at his own game. Can I? Okay. What to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it." -- RIP, asparagus.

Eventually, Ana musters up enough self-control to tell Christian she needs to leave. He tries to convince her to stay, but to no avail. He walks her outside and the valet brings her car around.

"'Will it make it to Seattle?'

'Yes. She will.'

'Safely?'

'Yes,' I snap, exasperated. 'Okay, she's old. But she's mine, and she's roadworthy. My stepdad bought it for me.'

'Oh, Anastasia, I think we can do better than this.'

'What do you mean?' Realization dawns. 'You are not buying me a car.'" -- spoiler alert: yes he is.

So, she climbs into her car, choking back tears (seriously), and drives off, lamenting about their relationship for four whole paragraphs. 

"But the thought of not seeing him again is agonizing. How has he gotten under my skin so quickly? It can't just be the sex . . . can it? I dash the tears from my eyes. I don't want to examine my feelings for him. I'm frightened what I'll uncover if I do. What am I going to do?

I park outside our duplex." -- WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE? LITERALLY ONE CHAPTER AGO, YOU WENT FOR A RUN AND: "I take a deep, cleansing breath, and then jog back to the apartment." AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS BULLSHIT HAS HAPPENED. YOU CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE IF YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT SHARES A WALL WITH ANOTHER HOUSE OR IN A SMALL SPACE CONTAINED IN A LARGE BUILDING WITH A LOT OF OTHER SMALL SPACES. 

Just to clarify, in Chapter 2 of Grey, remember when Christian had that dude run the background check on her? Yeah. It says she lives in APARTMENT 7. Stop calling it a fucking duplex. 

Fuck you, ELJ. Preferably with that peeled ginger root from Grey.

Ana gets to whatever structure it is in which she lives, and is relieved to find that Kate is absent. She doesn't want to see her crying, again. She turns on the "mean machine" (this is the second time she's called it that and I still don't know why), and there's an email from Christian waiting for her. He's confused about why she ran off and he's imploring her to really consider the arrangement he's offering. Naturally, this makes her more upset.

"His e-mail makes me weep more. I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition. Reading this, I might as well be. I don't reply. I just don't know what to say to him.... As I lie staring into the darkness, I think of all the times he warned me to stay away. 

Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you.

I don't do the girlfriend thing.

I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.

I don't make love.

This is all I know.

And as I weep into my pillow silently, it's this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. Perhaps together we can chart a new course."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

"For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweatpants, and a T-shirt. I put my hair in pigtails, blushing at the memories they bring back, and I plug in my iPod. I can't sit in front of that marvel of technology and look at or read any more disturbing material. I need to expend some of this excess, enervating energy. Quite frankly, I have a mind to run to the Heathman Hotel and just demand sex from the control freak. But that's five miles, and I don't think I'll be able to run one mile, let alone five, and, of course, he might turn me down, which would be beyond humiliation."

-- Okay, first of all, if your sneakers have never been used, how the fuck are they also nasty? do you just leave them outside all the time?  why did you buy sneakers if you were never going to use them? why have you just now decided to go running? there are other ways to clear your head. is it because Christian goes running? and while we're on the subject, who the fuck exercises in pigtails? and also, ewwww pigtails???? I know you weren't really there when he was thinking about how those things made you look but I remember because I blogged it.

I was also there when he decided to mail you a computer, and I can assure you, it's just a laptop. leave all of that "marvel of technology" bullshit for your grandparents, sweetie. you know what a computer is. in fact, get on that fucking thing and look up the word "enervating". because when you do, you'll find that it's a descriptive word, used to denote something that drains you of energy (ie, enervating heat). so it's super fucking hard to have "excess enervating energy" that is in need of expending. and why the fuck are there so many Es????? that entire sentence sounds like it came out of a toddler's alphabet book. which I'm sure Christian would love, given how he feels about your fucking pigtails. so maybe you should run the 5 miles and demand sex. he could use them as handlebars and achieve yet another one of his "firsts" because let's be honest - a guy who's asking you to sign over your everlasting permission for him to use your body as he pleases, and to fuck you whenever and wherever he wants, is certainly not going to fucking turn you down.

As Ana runs through the park, she considers what she's going to do about Christian.

"What am I going to do? I want him, but on his terms? I just don't know. Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn't. My research has told me that legally it's unenforceable. He must know that. I figure that it just sets up the parameters of the relationship. It illustrates what I can expect from him and what he expects from me - my total submission. Am I prepared to give him that? Am I even capable?" -- so let me get this straight. you were able to do enough research to discover that this contract is unenforceable, but not enough that you don't have to verbally ask what a butt plug does in 70 pages? really?

Ana goes back to her apartment and decides that the best way to deal with this enigmatic control freak is to send him a cryptic email. No way that could go wrong.

"'Okay, I've seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana'

I press "send," hugging myself, laughing at my little joke." -- hilarious, Ana. truly. your comedic genius knows no bounds. you are a true master.

Unfortunately, Christian doesn't think her joke is so funny, and soon he's at her apartment.

"I don't know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye (maybe? maybe? are you sure that's not exactly what happened?????), I don't know, but when I do, he's standing in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me intently. He's wearing his gray flannel pants and a white linen shirt, gently twirling his car keys. I pull my earbuds out and freeze. Fuck!

'Good evening, Anastasia.' His voice is cool, his expression completely guarded and unreadable." -- remember like 3 chapters ago when you thought it was the sunglasses that made him unreadable?

So Christian is in Ana's room, like the stalker he is, challenging her email to him. He sits on her bed, and when she offers him a drink, he cocks his head to one side like a confused puppy (or these guys) and declines.
"Leaning forward, he slowly undoes one of my pigtails, his fingers freeing my hair. My breathing is shallow and I cannot move. I watch hypnotized as his hand moves to my second pigtail, and pulling the hair tie, he loosens the braid with his long, skilled fingers." -- pigtails AND long fingers in the same sentence.

Soon after Christian gets rid of Ana's pigtails, he removes that tie from his pocket and proceeds to tie her up with it. I know this, because it's described once: "...he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard." And then I'm informed again. "I'm tied, literally, to my bed, and I'm so aroused."

After she's tied up and undressed, Christian blindfolds Ana with her own shirt.
"He places his long index finger over my mouth, a warning.
.....
'Mmm,' he breathes appreciatively. 'This just gets better and better. I'm going to get a drink.'
Leaning down, he kisses me, his lips tender against mine, and his weight shifts off the bed. I hear the quiet creak of the bedroom door. Get a drink. Where? Here? Portland? Seattle?
.....
He shuts the door and shuffles around removing his pants. They drop to the floor, and I know he's naked." -- yeah, Ana. he's going to leave you tied up while he fucking drives to Seattle for a fucking martini. and also, how the fuck are you narrating him getting undressed when you can't fucking see? CONTINUITY IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

Christian has come back with ice and wine, and proceeds to tease Ana to the brink of losing her mind, all the while asking "Is this nice?" "How nice is this?" "So it was nice knowing me, huh?" like he's just discovered a very exciting new word.
"'Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way? There's an endless choice,' he breathes against my lips." -- there's no diagram here, Christian. you're literally just thinking out loud and no one but you can see the various ways in which you might decide to fuck her. just make up your damn mind so this scene can be over.

Parks and Rec is killing it this time around

After still more sex, they talk a little bit about the contract. Ana brings up Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and comments that Christian has her to talk to about his lifestyle but Ana isn't allowed to talk to anyone. And, as we'd expect from Christian, he offers the shittiest of solutions.
"'I don't think I've ever thought about it like that. Mrs. Robinson was part of that lifestyle. I told you, she's a good friend now. If you'd like, I can introduce you to one of my former subs. You could talk to her.'
What? Is he deliberately trying to upset me?
'Is this your idea of a joke?'
'No, Anastasia.' He's bemused as he shakes his head.
'No - I'll do this on my own, thank you very much,' I snap at him, pulling the duvet up to my chin. 
He stares at me, at sea, surprised.
........
'Anastasia Steele - are you jealous?'
I flush, crimson.
'Are you staying?'
'I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow morning at the Heathman. Besides, I told you, I don't sleep with girlfriends, slaves, subs, or anyone.'" -- in what world can Christian think "hm yes I've been this girl's only sexual experience ever. definitely the people she wants to talk to aRE OTHER WOMEN I'VE FUCKED." He's too stupid to be this rich.

So Ana kicks him out, but still agrees to meet with him on Wednesday to discuss the contract. She's feeling used, in her words, "like a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim," which, to be fair, is exactly what she is. After Christian leaves, Ana has a teary heart-to-heart with Kate and decides to go to bed. Once in her room, she emails Christian with her list of issues and he responds asking why she's still awake.
"Sir,
If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.
Good night.
Ana" 

Christian responds:
"GO TO BED, ANASTASIA.
Christian Grey
CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

Oh . . . shouty capitals! I switch off. How can he intimidate me when he's six miles away? I shake my head. My heart still heavy, I climb into bed and fall instantly into a deep but troubled sleep." -- first of all, she said "good night," implying she was already going to go to bed, so fucking chill. second, you're fucking kidding, right? a well placed caps lock is all it takes to intimidate you? how are you even an adult?

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

THE TIME HAS COME

Ah, yes. The contract. That morally ambiguous, non-legally binding piece of paper that we've all been wondering about for 165 pages. It's finally arrived. Currently, Ana is unaware of its legal status (because Christian is a twat and didn't bother to tell her), so she's approaching it assuming she's actually about to sign her life over to Christian. Which is weird, and I don't know why a person would ever consider doing something like that, but it's not my life. YOLO, amirite? 

This particular document would have been well served with a little "don't worry, I can't sue you for breaching the terms" talk before Christian sent Ana home with it. Because with phrasing like "The following are the terms of a binding contract..." and "Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach," it's no wonder Ana thinks it's for real. She's still fine with it, which is a completely different monster, but we'll get to that later.

Obviously, because we're in Ana's head now, we're getting a more complete look at the "contract" and the problematic language contained therein.

"The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agree additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise." -- otherwise?? what kind of otherwise?

"The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of time." -- uh?

"In cases of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant." -- I hate to be the one to bring this up, but the last I checked, this Dominant has no authority whatsoever to decide when medical attention is necessary???? 

"The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times." -- noooooope

She goes through the rest of the contract, and is concerned. Mostly, she doesn't like that he effectively owns her, that she has to be available to him every weekend, that she has to do what she's told without question, that he can punish her, that she can't touch him or look him in the eye... you know, just like 99% of the contract. Before she tries to tackle the list of approved foods (which really, should be the easiest thing for her to handle), she decides to go to sleep. She's awoken the next day by Kate, because she has to sign for a package. It's a Macbook, from Christian, and the guy setting it up knows more about that particular machine than Ana knows about life in general.

"'It's got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you'll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM - what are you planning to use it for?'

'Uh . . . e-mail.'

'E-mail!' he chokes, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face. 

'And maybe Internet research?' I shrug apologetically.

He sighs.

'Well, this has full wireless N, and I've set it up with your Me account details. This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.' He looks longingly at it.

'Me account?'

'Your new e-mail address.'

I have an e-mail address?" -- you just....... you literally JUST said you're going to use it for email??????? and now you're surprised you have an email address????????????? how did you think you were going to send emails????????????

The guy leaves and Ana logs into her email to discover a message from Christian. It surprises her for many reasons, not the least of which is that she just discovered email exists. All Christian says is that he hopes she slept well and that she needs to put this laptop to good use (eg: look up all the stuff in the contract you're confused about, like butt plugs).  She responds that while she appreciates the gesture, she does not "want or need a computer indefinitely," which is an interesting thing for a newly graduated millennial in need of employment to say, but what the fuck ever. 

"I am going to be late for work. Well, it is my last week - Mr. and Mrs. Clayton will probably cut me some slack. I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He e-mailed me. I'm like a small, giddy child." -- I'll have whatever drugs she's on, thanks. Also, just because it's your last week does not mean you can be a shitty employee. Those people have supported you for like 4 years. Be respectful and go the fuck to work.

Jose meets her for lunch, because I guess we've forgiven the almost rapist. When she gets home that evening, there's an email from Christian waiting for her. All it says is that he hopes she had a good day. He could have sent her a text but this is a very weird 2011 where everyone emails instead. She responds, calling him "Sir," which again, is interesting considering she still has very basic questions about this non-contract. Finally, we get to the root of the discussion.

"Mr. Grey,

What would you suggest I put into a search engine?" -- Okay, first of all, I have graduated from college and my degree was just as useless and just as research-based as Ana's. She should absolutely know how to conduct research, even for something as apparently out of her depth as BDSM. But, like the kind soul he is, Christian offers a solution: Wikipedia. 

"I type 'Submissive' into Wikipedia.

Half an hour later, I feel slightly queasy and frankly shocked to my core." -- I wouldn't be a quality blogger if I didn't do exactly what Ana is doing in the instances that I can. SO. I've just been to Wikipedia. And as Ana did, I typed "Submissive" into the search bar. Do you want to know what I found? Do you???

That's fucking right. Typing "Submissive into Wikipedia doesn't give you ANY uncomfortable or sickening information. IT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE YOU TO THE PAGE FOR 'SUBMISSIVE'. Instead, it redirects you to "Deference". And what happens when you click on the link to view the page for "Submissive"?

So tell me, ELJ. How the fuck could you not be bothered enough to check to make sure your suggestion to use fucking Wikipedia would actually work out? Everyone reading this bullshit you call literature knows you know how to you use it, because that's how you got all of your information on BDSM. And before anyone tries to defend her with "oh but maybe the site changed the search results after so many people tried to do the same search," please note that this book was published in 2011 and the Wikipedia page was last edited in 2010. 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

In case you had forgotten since the last post, Christian and Ana are in the throes of passion when they hear the voice of his mother outside his room. Christian starts getting dressed and tells Ana to do the same, even though he hasn't fucking untied her yet.
"He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans - no underwear!" -- well no, you idiot. he's likely going to just rip his jeans off again the second he's alone with you. who needs underwear?

"His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she's practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto." -- in case you're wondering, like I was, what the fuck this means, it's Latin for "in blazing offence" and there is literally no fucking way Ana knew what the hell this meant. She's the dumbest college graduate in the free world, as evidenced by her blatant inability to read interview questions before she asks them, and you want me to believe she fucking knows Latin? Fuck you.

Christian tells her she can wear something of his and then he "runs his hand through his just-fucked hair." At this point in the book though, Christian's hair is always "just-fucked" because ELJ doesn't know how to construct plot so just decided to fill the pages with as many dicks as she possibly could. Ana checks herself in the mirror and realizes that "just-fucked pigtails" don't suit her. That's because you're a 22 year old woman who has no business wearing her hair in any pigtails, just-fucked or not.

"'So how did you two meet?' She looks questioningly at Christian, unable to hide her curiosity.

'Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I'm conferring the degrees there this week.'

Double crap. I'd forgotten that." -- We know. In fact, you'd forgotten about it 10 minutes after you found out about it. Remember that? When you thought you'd never have to see him again? I do. Because I blogged itttttt.

See?

As Ana is meeting Christian's mother (Marcia Gay Harden in the film, in case you were curious), her phone rings. She thinks it's Kate, but SURPRISE, it's actually Jose calling to apologize for very nearly giving her enough cause for a restraining order 6 chapters ago. He's mad that she's in Seattle with Christian, and Christian is mad that he called, because neither of them regard Ana as a person, but rather as a prize in some competition I'm pretty sure she didn't agree to. Christian disappears into his study and returns a second later with the contract.

"'This is the contract. Read it, and we'll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what's involved.' He pauses. 'That's if you agree, and I really hope you do,' he adds, his tone softer, anxious.

'Research?'

'You'll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,' he murmurs.

Internet! I don't have access to a computer, only Kate's laptop, and I couldn't use the one at Clayton's, not for this sort of "research" surely." -- For fuck's sake, really???? You don't have access to a computer? But you've somehow managed to get through 4 years of being an ENGLISH MAJOR??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. YOU'RE GRADUATING THIS WEEK YOUR SCHOOL'S LIBRARY IS NOT GOING TO LET YOU USE THEIR SHIT ANYMORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Ana tells Christian she needs to make a phone call (to Kate) and his reaction is, well, ridiculous.

"'The photographer?' His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. 'I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.' His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom." -- holy fuck, Christian. this is not the way to get a girl to sign a legally-ambiguous contract. also...

ELJ has forever ruined blinking.

They leave Christian's apartment and begin the drive to Portland.

"People stare at us as we drive through the streets. For a moment, I think it's at him . . . and then a very paranoid part thinks everyone is looking at me because they know what I've been doing during the last twelve hours, but finally I realize it's the car." -- OF COURSE IT'S THE CAR? EVEN IF EVERYONE DID KNOW WHAT YOU HAD BEEN DOING (OMG NOT SEX), LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHERE YOUR VAGINA HAS BEEN.

They continue driving and Christian turns on Bruce Springsteen.

"Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words. Christian glances at me. He's got his Ray-Bans on so I can't see what he's feeling." -- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the sunglasses are not the problem:

Page 12: "I can't help thinking that we're talking about something else, but I'm mystified as to what it is."

Page 15: "And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I'm not sure which."

Page 16: "If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away."

Page 31: "His expression is impassive, but his words . . . it's like he's saying something else entirely. It's baffling."

Page 66: "He's staring at me, gray eyes dark, and as usual, I have no idea what he's thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well."

Page 68: "Yet he's so antagonizing, too; he's difficult, complicated, and confusing."

Page 77: "Christian is watching me as I tie my hair back, his expression unreadable."

On their way back to Portland, Christian asks Ana if she's hungry. She says no, but he drives them to a restaurant anyway. After sitting down and having exactly one sip of wine, Ana decides this very public venue is as good a place as any to start asking questions.

"'What's vanilla sex?' I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, sexy look he's giving me (this is not the question I would ask to get rid of that look, but fine). He laughs.

'Just straightforward sex, Anastasia. No toys, no add-ons.' He shrugs. 'You know . . . well, actually you don't, but that's what it means.'

'Oh.' I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?" -- Could we just stop using food to describe sex? Please?

Ana goes home and tells Kate about her very first sexual encounter, but is very careful to not violate the non-disclosure agreement she signed.

"My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny finger (so it's not just Christian's fingers we're obsessed with), then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much." -- you're fucking kidding, right?

Ana asks Kate to tell her about Elliot, I presume to get the spotlight off of her.

"Kate blushes. Oh my . . . Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me." -- I hate you so much. 

After a little more dishing, Kate tells Ana she got some mail and Ana is thrilled to discover that she has landed interviews for internships (which, by the way, Ana, are not jobs - also, who the hell discovers this by mail? no one in this series uses the phone). 

"'Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!'

'For which publishing house?'

'For both of them!' (yes, all two publishing houses in Seattle)

'I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.'" -- I seriously doubt that's what happened, but okay.

Jose calls for the millionth time that day, and Ana finally talks to him.

"'Ana, you're back!' Jose shouts his relief at me.

'Obviously.' Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone.

He's silent for a moment.

'Can I see you now? I'm sorry about Friday night. I was drunk and you . . . well. Ana  - please forgive me.'

'Of course, I forgive you Jose. Just don't do it again. You know I don't feel like that about you.'" -- hell no. HELLLLL NO. I know this "being wanted" thing is a new concept for you, Ana, but you don't just forgive someone for crossing a line like that. This is why you end up in the situation you do at the end of the book. Grow a fucking backbone.

Once Ana is off the phone, it rings again, and it's Elliot. Kate takes the phone into her room and Ana is left on the couch. She tries to watch TV, but her mind continues to drift back to Christian and the contract she has in her purse. She's troubled because both Christian and Jose want something from her, though I'm not entirely sure why she's even worried about Jose, since she's not interested. She buries her head in her hands and wonders what she's going to do about Christian.

"He's such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure . . . no wonder he's old before his time." -- oh, so we're romanticizing his past to make what he's going to do to you in 300 pages okay. I see. 

"If I'd not met him, I'd still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night and this morning . . . and the incredible sensual sexuality I'd experienced. Do I want to say good-bye to that? No! screams my subconscious . . . my inner goddess nodes in Zen-like agreement with her." -- HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN THERE

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

It's morning, and Ana is awakening from her slumber.
"I stretch out and open my eyes. It's a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view."

She wanders around the bedroom until she finds the bathroom - honestly how many doors can he have? - and she looks at herself in the mirror.

"Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I'm honest, and my muscles - jeez, it's like I've never done any exercise in my life. You don't do any exercise in your life. My subconscious has woken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She's shouting at me." -- I know Christian is the one seeing a therapist, but you might want to seriously consider it. I'm sure he or she could help you do something about that semi-sentient, self-deprecating subconscious you have going on there. He or she might also be able to help you get over the "you should hate yourself for sleeping with someone who doesn't love you" and "you're worth less after you have sex" myths that have been far too ingrained in your tiny mind. Once again, sex education has failed you.

Looking at you, America.

"I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process this. ..... I shudder. I'm bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual way-ward self. Just-fucked hair doesn't suit me." -- excepttttttt that it's not "just-fucked" hair, it's "I've been sleeping for 7 hours" hair. there is a difference.

Ana searches her purse for hair ties (to tame her wayward locks), and, upon finding them, puts her hair in pigtails.

"I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard." -- why the fuck is this even a thought that crosses your mind? "YES NATURALLY THE MORE GIRLY I LOOK THE LESS I WILL ATTRACT THIS HETEROSEXUAL MAN." I'm starting to think you deserve everything you have coming to you.

In case you're wondering, like I was, about the reference to someone called Bluebeard, sit back because I'm about to tell you the best story you've ever heard. The character Bluebeard comes from a French folktale. Essentially, he's this super rich dude who no one wants to be around because he has a really ugly blue beard hanging out on his face. He's somehow managed to marry quite a few women, but no one knows what happened to them. So one day, he takes a fancy to his neighbor's daughters and asks to marry one of them - I guess it doesn't matter which. When he takes the youngest of the sisters to his castle, he has to leave suddenly on dastardly business or something. He gives her all the keys to the chateau and tells her to use them freely and to go wherever she pleases. However, he gives her one other key that he says she can never use - THEN WHY GIVE IT TO HER? Obviously, she ignores that and the second he leaves, she's opening the forbidden door. The room it leads to is covered in blood and all of the guy's former wives are hanging on hooks. She tells her sister and she comes to the castle to rescue her but her husband comes home early and discovers what she's done. Before he murders her, she asks for 15 minutes to pray. She locks herself and her sister in a tower room and her brothers show up and kill Bluebeard. She inherits his fortune, gives some to her family, and uses the rest to marry a super rich, presumably nice guy. -- the thing to take from this is that Ana seems to be convinced that Christian is going to flat-out murder her, and yet she's still in his kitchen making him breakfast.

As stated above, Ana rummages around Christian's kitchen and decides to cook breakfast. She has music blasting in her ears, and is dancing around the stove as she makes pancakes.

"I need somewhere to keep the pancakes warm, and I start on the bacon. Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that's because I'm a misfit. I have never fitted in (cringe) anywhere and now . . . I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself."

Eventually Christian joins her and catches her off-guard. She can barely keep her knees from giving way below her as he sits at the bar. She asks where the placemats are and he tells her that she should just keep cooking and he gets up to get them.

"'I'll do that. You cook. Would you like me to put some music on so you can continue your . . . er . . . dancing?'

I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I'm turning puce.

'Please, don't stop on my account. It's very entertaining.' His tone is of wry amusement.

I purse my lips. Entertaining, eh? My subconscious has doubled over in laughter at me. I turn and continue to whisk the eggs, probably beating them a little harder than necessary. In moment, he's beside me. He gently pulls my pigtail.

'I love these,' he whispers. 'They won't protect you.' Hmm, Bluebeard . . . " -- This didn't make sense when it was from Christian's perspective, and Ana's perspective doesn't offer anything more in the way of information except that we're still considering that Christian could be a serial killer but we're also still making him breakfast.

They eat, and Christian tells Ana that he'd like to continue her "basic training," but since she's sore, he decides that they should focus on oral skills. They talk a little bit about the non-disclosure agreement because Ana has questions about "the mechanics" of sex and would like to speak to Kate about them. Christian insists she doesn't because Kate is sleeping with his brother. He asks her how last night was for her and she says "good," which feels like an understatement.

"'Me, too,' he murmurs. 'I've never had vanilla sex before. There's a lot to be said for it. But then, maybe it's because it's with you.' He runs his thumb across my lower lip.

I inhale sharply. Vanilla sex?

'Come, let's have a bath.' He leans down and kisses me.

My heart leaps and desire pools way down low . . . way down there." -- jfc, Ana.

So, they get into the bath and Christian begins washing her. I don't know if I'll ever think that's a sexy thing to do to someone, but it works for Ana.

"He doesn't linger long and glides his hands down to my stomach and belly (are these different parts of your body????). My breathing increases and my heart is racing. His growing erection presses against my behind. It's such a turn-on know that it's my body making him feel this way. Ha . . . not your mind, my subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought." -- Ana. Or, I guess, Ana's subconscious. Your mind will make him love you, but not fuck you. Brains do not create boners. That's just the way it is.

Obviously, things progress in the bathtub. We all remember the "oral skills" bit of this from Christian's perspective, though you lucky people didn't actually have to read the entire scene. I'm not sure from which perspective it's more uncomfortable, but Ana provides a lot of strange commentary.

"I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." -- I'm just gonna say it. Yuck.

"'Have you done that before?'

'No.' And I can't help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

'Good,' he says complacently and, I think, relieved. 'Yet another first, Miss Steele.' He looks appraisingly at me. 'Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let's go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.'

Orgasm! Another one!" -- careful, Ana. you're only allotted a certain amount of orgasms in your whole life. don't use them all this weekend.

They leave the bathroom and Christian takes her to his room. He ties her wrists together with a gray tie (such creativity. amazing.), and tells her not to move her hands. As you can probably infer from context, more sex happens for the rest of the chapter, and Ana is still awkward about it.

"This time he doesn't stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he's going to do, and part of me whats to push him off because I'm mortified and embarrassed. He's going to kiss me there!" -- oh nooooo! not THERE!

"I pull my tied hands over his neck and hold him the best I can. I know in that moment I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he's introduced me to, it's beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can't, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh . . . what to do?" -- You just said you'd do anything for him. I feel like "what should I do?" is a question you should asked before making that decision.

Lying bed, Christian and Ana suddenly hear voices outside the bedroom.

"'What do you mean he's not alone?'

'He has someone with him.'

'Oh . . .' Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

'Shit! It's my mother.'"