Grey: Chapter 17

Or, Wednesday, June 1 2011.

I've been trying to get myself to start this chapter for days now - this book is becoming much more difficult to look at as it goes on. I'm insanely stressed out and agitated tonight, so I figured I would try rage blogging a little bit.

It should come as no surprise to any of you, but we're off to Georgia in this chapter! Thank the gods Christian decided to stalk Ana down there. Could you imagine ELJ having to come up with an entirely new plot for him while she was gone? This chapter would go from 33 to 3 pages real fast. And probably the sentence, "And suddenly Ana was back!" would be in there somewhere.

"Bill has managed to arrange a meeting with the Savannah Brownfield Redevelopment Authority tomorrow, and I might be meeting them for a drink this evening. So if Anastasia is otherwise occupied, or doesn't want to see me, the journey won't be a complete waste of time.
Yeah, yeah. Tell yourself that, Grey." -- What? You think I flew all the way down here to see you? You think I sat on my private jet for 7 hours (or something I don't know how long this stupid flight takes) for you???? Psh. Obviously I am having very legitimate drinks with this company because I'm very rich and flying 3000 miles for a fucking martini is just something we DO. And of course I didn't tell you what an amazing coincidence it was that we were both going to be in Georgia at the same time because I'm very mysterious how many times do we have to go over this???? GOD Ana, you are so stupid!

Christian wakes up from his nap on the plane and notices the sky.
"The light up here is brilliant. Golden. Tranquil. The sinking sun reflecting off the cumulus clouds. For a moment I wish I were in my sailplane. I bet the the thermals are fantastic up here.
Yes!
That's what I should do: take Ana soaring. That would be more, wouldn't it?" -- Just keep it below 35,000 feet, Christian. I don't care how great the thermals are.

"'Taylor.'
'Yes, sir.'
'I'd like to take Anastasia soaring in Georgia - at dawn tomorrow, if we can find somewhere to do that. But later would be fine, too.' If it's later I'll have to move my meeting." -- dude she doesn't even know you're coming and you're just gonna plan shit not knowing if she's already fucking busy. you are the shittiest person.

After they land in Georgia, Christian is surprised by the car he'll be driving.
"The rep hands the keys for both cars to Taylor. I raise a brow at him. 'Ford Mustang?'
'It's all I could find in Savannah at short notice.' Taylor looks sheepish.
'At least it's a red convertible. Though in this heat I hope it has AC.'" -- How rich do you have to be before the phrase "at least it's a red convertible" becomes something you can comfortably say? While the rest of the world is over here like "Hell, at least it runs.", fucking Christian is like "It's not a Ferrari but I guess I'll make it work." ALSO what fucking rental car in 2011 IN THE MIDDLE OF GEORGIA DOESN'T HAVE AIR CONDITIONING.

"In the Mustang, I cruise out of the airport and onward to downtown Savannah, listening to Bruce on my iPod through the car sound system." -- I'll get to the sloppiness of this sentence in a minute, but who the fuck is Bruce? Are you listening to Bruce Springsteen? Bruce Willis's 'Armageddon' speech? Does Bruce Lee have an audio book no one knows about? WHO THE FUCK IS BRUCE? And also, you don't need to specify the way in which you're listening to music. We're all smarter than you. We can figure it out.

Christian gets to his hotel and, after turning the AC on as high as he can, calls his assistant for an update on I don't know what.

"I set up my laptop, crank the air conditioning to full blast, and call Ros for an update.

'Why the sudden interest in Georgia, Christian?'" -- BECAUSE I'M CURRENTLY STALKING AN ENTICING YOUNG WOMAN ROS, JESUS PAY ATTENTION.

"There's a knock on the door - my luggage and room service have arrived simultaneously. The food smells delicious: fried green tomatoes and shrimp and grits. Well, I'm in the South." -- I'm pretty sure ELJ got her knowledge of literally everything in the US from a Wikipedia article very similar to the one she used to learn about BDSM.

From here, Christian ponders his relationship with Ana, and is baffled as to why she might have an issue with him having dinner with Elena (she likes you, you absolute walnut). He goes down to the hotel bar and magically, Ana and her mother are in the same bar. So, obviously, instead of walking over there and declaring an incredible coincidence, he lurks in the dark and texts her so he can watch her reaction.

His text simply tells her that yes, he had dinner with Mrs. Robinson and that she's an old friend. Ana's not buying it and is clearly still angry.

"She's not just an old friend.

Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into?

Did you get too old for her?

Is that the reason your relationship ended?

What the hell? My temper simmers as I read.

Isaac is in his late twenties.

Like me.

How dare she? 

Is it the drink talking?" -- JFC, Christian. Would you get off of this 'obviously Ana is saying these things because she's intoxicated and not because she's a thinking human with opinions and feelings' thing. It's exhausting. Also, you may be mad, but she's sort of right. Elena snatched you up when you were 15. That's rape, and there's no way around it. If you're so upset about the assumptions Ana is making, theN FUCKING TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

Christian responds:

"This is not something I wish to discuss via e-mail.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?" -- YOU'RE A FUCKING CREEP

Naturally, Ana's reaction is to startle and look around and freak out a little. Christian walks over and introduces himself to her mother before making more unnecessary observations.

"I need something stronger than beer. 'I'll have a gin and tonic,' I tell the waiter. 'Hendrick's, if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendrick's, lime with the Bombay.'

'And two more Cosmos, please,' Ana adds, with an anxious look at me.

She's right to be anxious. I think she's had enough to drink already." -- well news flash asshat, no one fucking cares what you think because she's supposed to be enjoying time away from you with her mother and you can't put your fucking ego on hold long enough to respect that. "I did try to stay away from you." but what? That didn't work so now you're following her across the country in a fucking jet to comment on how much she's drinking.

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you .

"I take her hand, because I want to touch her, and I give it a gentle squeeze. Slowly I caress her knuckles with my thumb, and her breathing alters.

Yes, Ana. Feel it."

Ana's mom goes to the bathroom, so Christian and Ana can have a moment and so we can be annoyed.

"'So you're mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.' I kiss each knuckle.

'Yes.' She's curt.

Is she jealous?

'Our sexual relationship was over long ago, Anastasia. I don't want anyone but you. Haven't you worked that out yet?'

'I think of her as a child molester, Christian.

My scalp tingles in shock. 'That's very judgmental. It wasn't like that.' I release her hand in frustration.

'Oh, how was it then?' she snaps, sticking out her stubborn little chin.

Is this the drink talking?" -- just. fucking. stop.

After not really discussing this any further, Ana's mother is back and Christian decides to leave.

"Ana is quiet, imploring me with a look that I ignore. I kiss her cheek. 'Laters, baby,' I murmur in her ear, then turn and walk through the bar and back down to my room.

That girl provokes me like no one has before.

And she's pissed at me; maybe she has PMS. She said her period was due this week." -- Fuck you. FUCK. YOU. FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUU. HOW ABOUT WE STOP BLAMING PMS FOR WOMEN HAVING TOTALLY LOGICAL AND SENSIBLE EMOTIONS. HOW ABOUT WE FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN A WOMAN IS ON HER PERIOD, SHE'S AS CLOSE HORMONALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TO A MAN AS SHE WILL EVER BE. THAT'S RIGHT. MEN THINK WE'RE IRRATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL ON OUR PERIOD BUT THEY'RE IRRATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. HOW ABOUT WE STOP FUCKING VILIFYING AND TRIVIALIZING WOMEN FOR BEING WOMEN. IT'S NOT PMS ELJ AND EVEN IF IT WAS CHRISTIAN IS A TOTAL JACKASS AND DESERVES TO BE SURROUNDED BY HORDES OF WOMEN ALL ON THEIR FUCKING PERIOD.

Let's be honest, Christian is basically a 30 year old Donald Trump at this point.

Apparently, fighting in a bar about a potential child molester really gets these two off because they proceed to have sex in Christian's bathroom. After, Ana wants to talk more about Elena, probably because Christian won't just fucking get it all out in the open and has to be a cryptic dick about it. 

So they talk for a while, and it's boring and angsty and delves into Christian's life more than I cared to know. They both decide that Ana isn't an awesome submissive (which we all knew) and then they're in the bath and everything is fine again.

"'Did you just splash me?'

'Yes,' she says.

'Oh, Miss Steele.' I wrap my arm around her waist and tug her onto my lap, slopping water onto the floor once again. 'I think we've done enough talking for now.'" -- of course you have. because once you stop having sex, ELJ actually has to come up with a plot.

After they've had sex a second time, Christian gets Ana into bed. She still has no idea they're going soaring in the morning, and this pleases him. Ana wants to talk some more, which he doesn't love, but it's nothing he has to think about ('what's your favorite movie?') so he actually ends up enjoying it. He even admits to her that he's paid for sex. Cue shock, cue awe. Ana yawns, and Christian decides that the time for talking is over.

"I pull the sheet up over her, roll onto my back, and stare up at the whirring ceiling fan.

Well, talking isn't so bad.

Today worked out after all.

Thank you, Elena . . .

And with a sated smile, I close my eyes."

Grey: Chapter 16

Or, Tuesday, May 31, 2011.

When we left Christian, he was angrily banging away on his piano. Chapter 16 opens with yet another Christian Grey nightmare, It's about his mother, again, of whom he apparently only has memories when it's convenient. There's also a dude in this dream, who's only been mentioned once as "him" - ominous, I know. I'm assuming that this man was his mom's boyfriend or dealer or both and that we're gonna go ahead and also blame him for the way Christian turned out, despite being 4 when his mom died and not remembering his childhood.

Waking up, Christian checks his phone. There's a text from Ana stating that she has arrived safely in Savannah, and much to Christian's surprise, she's also sent an email. The subject of said email? "Do you like to scare me?" This should be good.

It begins with her explaining that she doesn't like that he throws money at her because it feels like he's paying her for sex. She admits that she included the bit about Jean-Paul giving her a massage to rile him up, and purposely did not tell Christian that Jean-Paul was gay.

"But as usual you overreact. You can't write things like that to me - bound and gagged in a crate. (Were you serious or was it a joke?) That scares me . . . you scare me . . . I am completely caught up in your spell, considering a lifestyle with you that I didn't even know existed until last week, and then you write something like that and I want to run screaming into the hills. I won't, of course, because I'd miss you. Really miss you. I want us to work, but I am terrified of the depth of feeling I have for you and the dark path you're leading me down. What you are offering is erotic and sexy, and I'm curious, but I'm also scared you'll hurt me - physically and emotionally."

The email is much longer, but I felt like this was the most important part. Having read the email, Christian has a few thoughts.
"Ana's given me a great deal to process.
Paying her for sex?
Like a whore.
I've never thought of her that way. Just the idea makes me mad. Really fucking mad. I sprint once more around the park, my anger spurring me on. Why does she do this to herself? I'm rich, so what? She just needs to get used to that.
At least she doesn't want me for my money.
But does she want me at all?
She says I dazzle her. But boy, has she got that the wrong way around. She dazzles me in a way that I've never experienced, yet she's flown across the country to get away from me.
How's that supposed to make me feel?"

I used to be friends with a guy who pulled this kind of shit all the time. He would do or say something that upset me and when I expressed that I was upset, he turned it around, made it about him, and I ended up being the one apologizing. This is one of the worst things you can do to a person emotionally. If you are a person who does this crap, take a good look in the mirror and then punch yourself in the face because you're total shit and no person should ever be subjected to someone they care about twisting their words and making their pain about themselves.

"I take a slower jog around the park to think about what disturbs me most about her e-mail. It isn't her fear, it's that she's terrified of the depth of feeling she has for me.

What does that mean?

That unfamiliar feeling surfaces in my chest as my lungs burn for air. It scares me. Scares me so much that I push myself harder, so that all I feel is the pain of exertion in my legs and in my chest and the cold sweat that trickles down my back." -- again, Christian. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And furthermore - the thing that bothers you the most is not that she's afraid of you? Really? BECAUSE THAT SHOULD BE THE FUCKING THING THAT BOTHERS YOU THE FUCKING MOST.

Once back at his apartment/office/dungeon, Christian fires off a 3-page-long response to Ana. I'll just put the highlights here.

"I am annoyed that as soon as you put some distance between us, you communicate openly and honestly with me. Why can't do that when we're together?" -- because when you're together, she's within beating distance. See previous email: "You scare me."

"What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub who has all the power." -- she didn't fail to realize it, you jackass, she didn't even know this kind of lifestyle existed two weeks ago and yOU'VE BEEN REALLY GOOD AT TELLING HER NOTHING

"I understand your trepidation. I did try to stay away from you." -- NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT YOU FLEW YOUR ASS DOWN TO PORTLAND AND SAT IN THE PARKING LOT OF HER WORK AND THEN WAITED INSIDE UNTIL YOU SAW HER AND YOU TRACKED HER PHONE AND THEN WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WASNT INTO YOU YOU FUCKING SHOWED UP AT HER MOTHERFUCKING APARTMENT HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SAY YOU TRIED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER

"I will endeavor to keep an open mind, and I shall try to give you the space you need and stay away from you while you are in Georgia." -- NO BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING FLY TO GEORGIA OHMYGOD DID EL JAMES EVEN READ HER OWN FUCKING BOOK????????

He sends the Email of Lies and then gets on the phone for a business call. Or what sounds like a business call. But is really just a way for him to fucking GO TO GEORGIA.

"A few moments later I have Bill on the line.

'Mr. Grey.'

'Did your people look at Georgia as an option to site the tech plant? Savannah in particular?'

'I believe we did, sir. But I'll need to check.'

......

Bill has come back to me with a potential site near Savannah for our plant."

goddammit.

From here, we have a lengthy exchange of emails that add nothing to the story but more disgust and disappointment. BUT HERE IS SOME OF IT ANYWAYYYYY. 

"Subject: Verbose?

Sir, you are quite the loquacious writer. I have to go to dinner at Bob's golf club, and just so you know, I am rolling my eyes at the thought. But you and your twitchy palm are a long way from me so my behind is safe, for now." -- I thought he could only smack you around if you rolled your eyes at him?

"Subject: Your Behind

Dear Miss Steele,

I am distracted by the title of this e-mail. Needless to say it is safe - for now." -- realllyyyyyyy?? the subject of an email is distracting you? go read a book or pet a dog, Christian, jfc.

Ana requests that he stop emailing her so she can get ready, because I guess she's incapable of making him wait for anything. He responds again, because he is incapable of listening to women. And then email sex begins to happen.

C: "Dear Miss Steele,

You do it all the time in print. Can I zip up your dress?"

A: "I would rather you unzipped it."

"Her words travel directly to my dick, passing 'Go' on the way." -- what does this even mean?

Obviously, Christian responds "SO WOULD I." The email subjects change a little bit at this point. 

"NC-17"

"Panting"

"Groaning"

"Moaning"

"Plagiarism"  -- this exists because Ana cut the email sex short and said "Gotta go. Laters, baby.", which Christian feels is stealing his line. 

More email happens and we learn that the only reason Ana doesn't eat around Christian is because he literally destroys her appetite. 

"'Of course I eat . . . It's only the uncertainty I feel around you that puts me off food.'" -- I'm not sure what it is, but something is telling me this isn't a healthy relationship.

Christian is going to dinner with Elena, or as Ana calls her, Mrs. Robinson. Christian was Elena's submissive for a time, and now Elena finds submissives for him. Which is a strange, strange, relationship to have with someone. But who am I to judge?

They're talking about Ana, and how she's gone 3000 miles away to think about their arrangement. 

"'I bet you're worrying about what she's doing in Georgia, what she's thinking. I know how you are.'

'Yes. I want her to make the right decision.'" -- ugh.

Elena suggests that Christian fly to Georgia to see her, which we all know he was already considering. He arrives back home and, after reading Ana's latest email, makes his decision. 

"She said she's missed me . . . the jet's available.

Back home I read her last e-mail.

'I hope you and your friend had a very pleasant dinner.

Ana

P.S. Was it Mrs. Robinson?'

Shit.

This is the perfect excuse. This is going to need an answer in person.

I buzz Taylor and tell him I'm going to need Stephan and the Gulfstream in the morning.

'Very good, Mr. Grey. Where are you going?'

'We're going to Savannah.'"

Grey: Chapter 15

Or, Monday, May 30, 2011.

As promised at the end of the last chapter,
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."

you're. fucking. welcome.

Also, as I mentioned at the end of the last post, we're experimenting with Kegel balls this chapter.

Kegel balls, I have learned (I actually learned this in the original trilogy but whatevs), are metal balls that are inserted into your vagina for the purposes of, I assume, pleasure. They roll around in there and when pressure is applied or specific movements occur, they hit your g-spot with extreme effectiveness. At least, that is, if your name is Anastasia Steele.

We're here because Ana decided to trade Christian the opportunity to spank her for information about his past. Worst trade ever, but fine. Christian has inserted the kegel balls (a terribly uncomfortable scene from which I am sparing you), and decides to have even more fun.
"Let's rile her some more, Grey.
'Ask me.' My voice is firm.
A mystified look crosses her face.
'Ask me.'
Come on, Ana.
Her brow furrows.
'Ask me, Anastasia. I won't say it again.' My voice is sharper.
Finally, she realizes what I'm asking for and she blushes. 'Spank me, please, Sir,' she says quietly." -- Just gonna throw it out there, Christian, but you weren't asking for anything, you were demanding. Verbs are hard.

So, Christian spanks her, as expected. Ana enjoys it, as - apparently - she should. Finally, Christian can handle it no longer.

"Turning her over, I pause to yank my pants off and put on a wretched condom, then lie down beside her." -- which is more wretched, Christian? The condom or a gaggle of screaming children? 

Despite the anguish of wearing a condom, Christian manages to pull it together and have more uncomfortable sex with Ana. After, she requests that he make good on his end of the deal and open up to her a little bit.

"With a heavy sigh I place the arnica cream on the bedside table and slip into bed, pulling Ana into my arms. I kiss her ear. 'The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'" -- oh, good. We're going with the incredibly problematic and overused cliche of having a drug addled mother who couldn't take care of poor Christian. So, even though she died when he was four ('She died when I was four. I don't really remember her.'), I'm supposed to believe that she fucked him up so hard, she's being used as his validation for beating women? Nope. Not happening. Not even a little. 

Also, I shouldn't have to mention (but I will) how gross it is to blame a struggling woman for another woman's abuse. Let us all be clear that Christian is a capable, thinking adult, who makes his own decisions and answers to absolutely no one. Ana's abuse is Christian's fault, not his mother's.

While Ana sleeps the day away (I'm kidding, it's only 8am), Christian gets some work done. It's incredibly tedious and boring and I'm not putting any of it here. While he's on the phone, he notices the sky. And Ana's eyes. And their relationship to each other. A lot.

"While I wait for her to pick up the phone I gaze out at the cloudless sky. It's the same shade as Ana's eyes." 

"My eyes lock with Ana's. They are the color of a summer sky and just as warm."

"I turn to Ana, who's jiggling her left foot but not taking her sky-blue eyes off me."

Lord.

Once Christian is off the phone, Ana comes over and kisses him. Which is, I guess, surprising.

"Her lips are persistent, so I respond, kissing her back, surprised by the intensity of her ardor. With one hand I cup her head, with the other her naked, recently spanked ass, and my body ignites like dry tinder."

Things heat up, obviously, because if they stop having sex, ELJ is going to actually have to craft a plot.

"Her words are a siren's call to my libido. Losing all self-restraint, I sweep everything off my desk, sending my papers, phone, and pens all clattering or floating to the floor, but I don't care." -- I mean. First, I'd like to point out that using both 'clattering' and 'floating', even though 'floating' is supposed to be used to describe the paper, sort of makes me imagine that some of his pens choose to end things quickly while others prefer to glide down for a soft landing. Also, are we supposed to be impressed that you're willing to throw shit on the floor to have sex? Really? We know you way too well by now, dude.

Surprise surprise, they have more sex. That's twice in 5 pages, by the way - in fact, that's all the first 3 pages were. Christian is upset that Ana has to go to Georgia (which makes no sense because we all know he's going to stalk her all the way there). 

"I give her a rough, possessive kiss.

Because I don't want her to go to Georgia." -- this shit is fucking groundbreaking.

Ana goes to take a shower and leaves Christian alone to get control of his life again. He calls a business person dude he knows and has a long conversation, and then whines inwardly about why they have to be doing business in Detroit.

"Does it have to be Detroit?

I have vague memories of the place: drunks, hobos, and crackheads shouting at us on the streets; the seedy dive we called home; and a young, broken woman, the crack whore I called Mommy, staring into space while she sat in a drab, grimy room filled with stale air and dust motes." -- this is REALLY FUCKING VIVID FOR SOMEONE WHO NOT TWO PAGES AGO SAID HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HIS MOTHER. Continuity? What's that?

Anyway, Ana and Christian eat breakfast and talk a little bit about her interviews and her upcoming trip to Georgia. She doesn't have a ticket yet and will buy one when she gets home. She still won't tell him which companies she's interviewing with and he once again threatens to track her phone (honestly this happens so often it's not even registering as fucking terrible on my radar anymore). After she leaves, Christian makes a very important phone call.

"'Welch. Anastasia Steele is buying an airline ticket today, leaving Seattle tonight for Savannah. I'd like to know which flight she's on'

'Does she have an airline preference?'

'I'm afraid I don't know.'

'I'll see what I can do.'

I hang up. My cunning plan is falling into place."

Very soon after, Christian is contacted by Welch, with all the details for Ana's flight. Armed with this new information, Christian summons his assistant. 

"'Andrea, Anastasia Steele is traveling on these flights. Upgrade her to first class, check her in, and pay for her to enter the first-class lounge. And buy he seat beside her on all flights, there and back. Use my personal credit card.'" -- Here's the thing. Has anyone ever bought a plane ticket the afternoon you're supposed to fly out? There is no way on this earth that there is an empty seat next to Ana on ANY of those flights, let alone all of them. Come on, Christian. Get your head out of Ana's vagina and regain some common sense.

A long chain of emails takes place between Christian and Ana, peppered with all the banalities of their day. Ana asks if Christian's housekeeper is an ex-sub of his, which is a bizarre thing to think, but whatever. She's not. Christian mentions that he never hires anyone he's had sexual relationships with but would make an exception for her. Like a normal human, Ana doesn't love this.

"Dear Mr. Grey,

I think I have already expressed my reservations about working for your company. My views on this have not changed, are not changing, and will not change, ever."

Christian, as ever, is confused.

"For some reason I'm mildly irritated to hear that she wouldn't want to work for me. She has an impressive GPA. She's bright, charming, funny; she'd be an asset to any company." -- Literally I am all these things. And I'm not even trying to be self-centered. My undergraduate GPA could be classified as "impressive," I'm generally bright, and I can charm the pants off anyone. So whyyyyy aren't incredibly hot billionaires breaking down my door to work for them? Because I don't have any WORK EXPERIENCE. Which Ana also does not have. She would not be an asset to any company. She would be an asset to Christian's company specifically, mostly because of her ass.

Ana emails Christian, after being given all of the treatments involved in a first class upgrade (massages? manicures? I have no idea if this is accurate at all). She mentions that his "stalking knows no bounds" which is grossly accurate, but she doesn't actually seem bothered. He asks her who was massaging her back and she responds with exactly what Christian deserves.

"A very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed. I wouldn't have encountered Jean-Paul in the ordinary departure lounge - so thank you for that treat." -- yaaaaaas, girl. make him jealous!

"Is she trying to make me jealous? Does she have any idea how mad I can get? She's been gone for a few hours, and she's deliberately making me angry. Why does she do this to me?"

He emails her back, stating that if she tries to make him angry on purpose again, she'll be bound and gagged in a crate in the cargo hold (I'm preeeetty sure this is illegal? But who the fuck knows anymore?). Her response is concerned because she's FUCKING KIDDING and has no idea if his weird threats on her well-being are also jokes or if he's as horrifyingly scary as we all know he is. He responds:

"How can you be emailing? Are you risking the life of everyone on board, including yourself, by using your BlackBerry? I think that contravenes one of the rules." -- Yeah, sure, except wifi has been a thing on planes for a long fucking time now so maybe just stop being such a fucking baby about everything jfc.

We end the chapter with Christian sitting down to play his piano because he's in a shitty mood. 

15 chapters down, 10 to go. Help me.

Grey: Chapter 13 and Chapter 14

Or, Saturday, May 28, 2011

Okay, so we're coming off of a particularly difficult and uncomfortable chapter. I can't say whether or not the remainder of the book will be better or worse, but I hope we're all prepared for whatever ELJ has in store.

So. On to the chapter.

Christian is picking up his sister, Mia, from the airport today. Mia is modeled after Alice Cullen and for some bizarre reason, The Powers That Be chose to cast Rita Ora in the film. Mia has a much smaller part on screen than she does in print, and I don't know if it matters or not. Unlike Alice Cullen, Mia is a throw away plot device. No one is really sure what her function is, other than to constantly annoy Christian with her happiness. And her incredibly stereotypical retelling of her time in Paris.

"Mia proceeds to talk nonstop about Paris: her tiny room, the plumbing, Sacre-Coeur, Montmartre, Parisians, coffee, red wine, cheese, fashion, shopping. But mainly about fashion and shopping. And I thought she went to Paris to learn to cook."

After he drops Mia off at his parents' house - he gets out quickly so they can't ask him about Ana - Christian returns home to discover a package.

"Oh yes. I recognize the anonymous wrapping: it's the riding crop." -- oh, goodie. also, I thought the whole point of anonymous wrapping is to be unrecognizable. 

"Taking the crop, I stroll into my bedroom. This will be the perfect introduction to my world: by her own admission Ana has no sphere of reference with regard to corporal punishment, except the spanking I gave her that night." 

This chapter is really disjointed. We jump from setting to setting - Christian's mom's house, Christian's apartment, back to Christian's mom's house - with no frame of reference for  how much time has elapsed. We go straight from:

"As I shower I wonder if having to chase Ana has made her more interesting . . . or is it Ana herself?" -- which is a shitty sentence that once again reduces Ana to nothing more than a shiny object for Christian to play with -- 

To:

"Dinner has been fun."

Like. Thank you? For the sudden and awkward jump forward? I'm not really sure how or when we ended up at your parents' house, but since we're here, I guess we'll keep going - for exactly half a page because this chapter is only 4 pages long. And nothing happens. Christian is at dinner and everyone wants to hear about Ana and everyone wants to meet her so he's supposed to bring her for dinner the next night. The chapter ends with:

"Shit. It looks like Anastasia Steele is going to meet my family. I don't know how I feel about this." -- what are you afraid of, Christian? that Ana's going to ask your psychologist mother if her son has always been an abusive fuck?

Chapter 14: Or, Sunday, May 29, 2011

This is the longest chapter of my life. Coming off of a delightful 4-page chapter, chapter 14 is an unbelievable 49 pages. 

"With the Rolling Stones' "Shake Your Hips" blasting in my ears, I sprint down Fourth Avenue and turn right on Vine. It's 6:45 in the morning, and it's downhill all the way . . . to her apartment. I'm drawn; I just want to see where she lives.

It's between control freak and stalker.

I chuckle to myself. I'm just running. It's a free country." -- this is not funny.

"The water on the Sound is a glassy leaden color, matching the sky. But it does nothing to dampen m spirits.

Today's the day." -- that what? you finally murder her?

Christian emails Ana the details for how to drive to his apartment - where to park, what the code is for the elevator - and she responds.

"'Yes, Sir. Understood.

Thank you for the champagne and the blow-up Charlie Tango, which is now tied to my bed.

Ana'

An image of Ana tethered to her bed with my tie comes to mind. I shift in my chair. I hope she's brought that bed to Seattle." -- Charlie Tango is Christian's name for his helicopter, by the way. And ALSO, he's managed to take a pretty cute admission and turn it into something that literally no one wants to think about.

Ana arrives at Christian's apartment around 1:00pm. He's scheduled a gynecologist appointment for her so she can be put on birth control. Because apparently ELJ thinks that a gynecological exam is necessary for birth control. It is not. 

"'Have you eaten?'

'No.'

Not at all? Okay. We'll have to fix this. I drag my hand through my hair, and in as even a tone as I can manage I ask, 'Are you hungry?'

'Not for food,' she teases.

Whoa. She might as well be addressing my groin." -- I'd like us all to take this moment to imagine Dakota Johnson kneeling down and speaking directly to Jamie Dornan's crotch. I'll wait.

Once Christian has composed himself, and his genitals, he invites Ana to dinner with his parents and tells her it will be "odd" for him to introduce her to his family.

"'Are you ashamed of me?' She sounds choked.

Oh, for heaven's sake. 'Of course not.' Of all the ridiculous things to say!" -- for heaven's sake, Christian. lets treat Ana like an adult person, okay?

In the middle of what had the potential to be an argument, the gynecologist Christian called for Ana arrives. 

"'Thank you for coming on such short notice.' I flash her my most benign smile." --  For the purpose of being thorough, I did a Google search for 'benign smile.'

This was the first picture that came up. It's entitled Franz Liszt the Hungarian Musician in Old Age with a Benign Smile on His Face. Let it never be said that I have not done my due diligence for this blog.

"'I'll be downstairs,' I acquiesce. Though I would like to watch. I'm sure the good doctor's reaction would be priceless if I made that request." -- Eww? Like. Just eww? Why on earth would you want to watch someone else's gynecological exam? Why? Do you not get enough personal time with her vagina already? Also, this is the second time ELJ has written the phrase "good doctor" in under a page and it was weird the first time.

"Eventually, their footsteps echo in the corridor (Christian's apartment has corridors), and I look up as they enter. 'Are you done?' I ask, and hit the remote for the iPod, to quiet the aria.

'Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman.'

What has Ana told her? 

'I fully intend to,' I say, with a quick what-the-fuck glance at Ana.

She bats her lashes, clueless."

YOU'RE WELCOME

They sit down to eat, and as always, have riveting conversation.

"She takes a bite, then another . . . and another. She's eating!

'So I can put chicken Caesar on the list for Mrs. Jones?' I ask.

'I thought I'd be doing the cooking.'

'Yes. You will.'

She finished before I do. She must have been starving. 

'Eager as ever, Miss Steele?'

'Yes,' she says, giving me a demure look from beneath her lashes." -- I remember when I first read Fifty Shades, Ana commented on gazing at Christian "surreptitiously" through her lashes. I had no idea what the hell that was supposed to look like, but I guess we'll just go with demure. Honestly, it's taking everything I have not to use the Buzz Lightyear gif again.

yolo.

They take a trip to Christian's Red Room of Pain for Ana's first round as Christian's Submissive. Though, as Ana aptly points out, she hasn't signed anything. Christian replies that he's aware she hasn't signed the contract, but seems to forget just a page later.

"'When you're in here, you are completely mine. To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?'" -- Nope. No, I do not. You can't "do with her as you see fit" because SHE HASN'T SIGNED YOUR STUPID FUCKING AGREEMENT. WE'RE 309 PAGES INTO THIS GOD FORSAKEN BOOK AND YOU HAVEN'T YET FOUND 15 SECONDS TO GET HER FUCKING SIGNATURE.

Anyway, he tells her that when he calls her into this room, her hair will be braided (because we ALL know how into that he is), she'll be in just her panties, and she'll kneel by the door with her eyes at the ground. He attaches her to his "restraining system" that hangs from the ceiling.

"Slowly I walk around her, admiring the view. Could she look hotter? 'You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth quiet for now. I like that.'" -- I dream of a day when this dialogue is believable.

"She opens her mouth for me as I kiss her, my tongue exploring her, reveling in the taste of her lust.

'Oh, baby, you taste mighty fine,' I whisper." -- There are certain words and phrases that will become extremely distracting to a reader if you use them frequently. "Mighty fine" is one of them, particularly when it's coming out of the mouth of a young, rich, Seattleite in the year 2011. It's a charming and common phrase when used by Nathan Fillion, captain of the transport ship, Serenity. It makes perfect sense coming out of the mouth of the men in O Brother, Where Art Thou? This phrase does not fit in Christian's vernacular whatsoever, and you've forced it on me twice in less than a page. Stop it.

They have lots of poorly written (but no less explosive) sex, and Christian's thoughts do bizarre things again.

"She. Is. So. Fucking. Sweet.

Slowly I slide out of her, then grip her hip with my free hand and tighten my hold on her hair.

Submissive." -- This. Doesn't. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense.

After, Christian carries Ana to her bedroom, as she's too exhausted to walk. In a moment of weakness, he crawls into bed with her, which is a huge no-no. The next thing he knows, he's waking up from their nap still in her bed.

"She's fast asleep beside me. I lie back and stare at the ceiling. 

When have I ever slept in this room?

Never.

The thought is unnerving, and for some unfathomable reason it makes me uneasy." 

Ana wakes up and it's time to go to dinner. Christian thinks he'll be hilarious and steal her panties so she can't wear them to his parents' house, but she doesn't care. 

"She never fails to surprise, impress, and disarm me. Now I will have to sit through dinner with my parents, knowing my girl is not wearing any underwear. In fact, I'm traveling down in this elevator right now, knowing she's naked beneath her skirt." -- no, no, NO, NO, NO. You've spent this entire book writing in first person present tense using regular verbs and now, for one sentence only, you're going to throw in irregular verbs and totally throw off the flow of the entire thing. Do not try to break the fourth wall by making Christian talk to the reader (trust me, we don't want to talk to him). 

"She's quiet as Taylor drives us north on I-5. I catch a glimpse of Union Lake; the moon disappears behind a cloud, and the water darkens, like my mood." -- Sorry, ELJ. You want to write a character from Seattle, you're gonna have to research long enough to know that it's Lake Union, not Union Lake. And yes, that fucking matters.

We arrive at Christian's parents' house for dinner. Christian is upset about how much his family is fawning all over Ana, even though they're acting exactly the way all parents act when their son brings a significant other to meet them. Things go from bad to worse, when Christian's father, Carrick, asks her if she's taking a break now that she's graduated.

"'I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,' she answers.

'Georgia?' I exclaim, unable to hide my surprise.

'My mother lives there,' she says, her voice wavering, 'and I haven't seen her for a while.'

'When were you thinking of going?' I snap.

'Tomorrow, late evening.'

Tomorrow! What the fuck? And I'm only hearing of this now?

'For how long?' I persist, trying to keep my voice level.

'I don't know yet. It will depend on how my interviews go tomorrow.'

Interviews? Tomorrow?

.....

When was she going to tell me this? I'm here with her for two minutes and I'm finding out details of her life that I should know! 

.....

'When were you going to tell me you were leaving?' My temper is rapidly unraveling.

'I'm not leaving. I'm going to see my mother. And I was only thinking about it.' Ana dismisses me, as if I'm a child. (well.... she's not wrong)

'What about our arrangement?'

'We don't have an arrangement yet.'"

Hey, Christian. Remember not too long ago, in this post, when I made the observation that we're over 300 pages into your life and you haven't found 15 seconds to get her signature? Remember that? It's okay if you don't. You can just scroll up. It's fine. I'll wait. 

You can't have it both ways. Either she's your submissive and can't do anything (except maybe breathe) without your permission, or you have a relationship and she gets to be her own person and have a life and a family and things that she has absolutely no obligation to tell you about. Sure, it's a little out of the blue that she's just now thinking about flying across the country tomorrow night. That's going to be an expensive plane ticket. But you know what you don't get to do with this information? Tell her she broke an agreement she hasn't even fucking agreed to.

Dinner is just about as awkward as you'd expect it to be. Christian is mad at Ana for something he has no reason to be mad about, and Kate is eager to make it worse. I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that Kate is the worst best friend in the history of fictional best friends. Even worse than Frodo. Sure, she doesn't know that Christian is probably going to beat the living shit out of Ana for what she's about to say, but even if he wasn't, she's intentionally trying to drive a wedge between Christian and Ana. If you have a problem with your friend's relationship, you go to your friend about it. You don't try to tear it apart in front of the boyfriend's family. 

"Kate smirks. 'How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?' she asks, with a brash look in my direction.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This?

Ana tenses beside me.

'He was fine,' she says quietly.

'Palm-twitchingly mad,' I whisper to her. 'Especially now.

So she went to a bar with the guy who was trying to ram his tongue down her throat the last time I saw him. And she'd already agreed to be mine. Sneaking off to a bar with another man? And without my permission . . ."  -- this is fucking scary. 

Christian begins to contemplate all the various ways that he can punish Ana, when his mother, Grace, returns from taking a phone call.

"Grace returns, looking worried. 'Everything okay?' Dad asks, and we all look up at her.

'Another measles case.' Grace sighs heavily.

'Oh no,' Dad says.

'Yes, a child. The fourth case this month. If only people would get their kids vaccinated.' Grace shakes her head."

It's all because of that damn global warming.

I'd like to take this moment to thank ELJ for using her bizarre brand of fame to speak out against anti-vaxxers. Vaccinate your kids, kids. It's important.

"Ana is eating heartily and listening to the banter. Everyone else has calmed down, and my family is being less weird. Why am I so tense? This happens every day all across the country, families gathering to enjoy good food and each other's company. Am I tense because I have Ana here? Am I worried they won't like her, or that she won't like them? Or is it because she's fucking off to Georgia tomorrow, and I knew nothing about that?

It's confusing." -- BREAKING: Christian is confused by basic human emotion, object permanence, and has trouble grasping that a person can feel multiple things about multiple things at once. Christian is a toddler.

"I put my hand on Ana's knee again; I need to touch her. Besides, she should accept my touch, whenever I want to touch her. I gauge her reaction as my fingers travel up her thigh toward her panty-free zone, teasing her skin. Her breath catches and she squeezes her thighs together, blocking my fingers, stopping me.

That's it." -- Christian, did you know that Ana is a person? A person meeting someone's family for the first time? A person who HAS ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO SATISFY YOUR INSATIABLE NEED TO BE DISGUSTING?

He drags her away from the conversation under the pretense that he's going to give her a tour of the yard. Once outside, he throws her over his shoulder and carries her to the boathouse so they can be alone. 

"'Please don't hit me,' she whispers.

I don't understand. I stare down at her blankly." -- She's afraid of you Christian. I hope you're fucking happy.

Somehow, this doesn't lead to an apology or discussion of their relationship, but instead, sex.

"My hands grip her hair and I savor her taste, her tongue, her frame against mine as my body ignites like gasoline."

Wishful thinking.

Dinner ends and they return to Christian's apartment. In the car, Ana agrees to sign his contract, but Christian tells her to sign it when she gets back from Georgia. Christian asks her to stay with him for the night and she agrees. He wants to have sex, obviously. But a hitch is put in his plans when she asks to touch him. 

"'I want to touch you.'

Fuck. No. I step back as the darkness closes around my ribs.

'Please,' she whispers.

No. No. Haven't I made it clear?

I can't bear to be touched. I can't.

Ever.

.....

'Imagine if I said you couldn't touch me,' she says, as argumentative as ever.

She's not going to let this go. I sit down on the bed. 'Anastasia, I've told you. Fifty Shades. I had a rough start in life - you don't want that shit in your head. Why would you?'"

Ana gets this idea that if she lets him spank her, he'll tell her what's going on in his head. To me, this is a pretty shitty trade off, but what do I know?

"'Always so keen and eager for information,' I marvel. And a thought occurs to me: I could spank her. I've wanted to since dinner, but I could make it fun.

I get off the bed. 'Don't go away,' I warn, and leave the room. From my study I pick up the key to the playroom and head upstairs. In the playroom chest I retrieve the toys I want and contemplate lube as well, but on reflection, and judging from recent experience, I don't think Ana will need any. 

She's sitting on the bed when I get back, her expression bright with curiosity.

'When's your first interview tomorrow?' I ask.

'Two.'

Excellent. No early morning.

'Good Get off the bed. Stand over here.' I point to a spot in front of me. Ana scrambles off with no hesitation, eager as ever. She's waiting.

'Trust me?'

She nods, and I hold out my had, revealing two silver kegel balls. She frowns and looks from the balls to me. 'These are new. I am going to put these inside you and then I'm going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.'"

And this is how the chapter ends. That's it. You're left uncomfortable at the way this whole thing has played out, and with awkward and unpleasant imagery. On a more positive note, the first sentence of the next chapter is:

"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."