Grey: Chapter 20

Or, Saturday, June 4, 2011.

Get ready, kids.

"I wake suddenly, confused. My bedroom is shrouded in darkness, and beside me Ana sleeps, her breathing gentle and even. I prop myself up on one elbow and run my hand through my hair, with the uncanny feeling that someone has just done exactly that. I glance around the room, peering into the shadowy corners, but Ana and I are alone.

Strange. I could swear someone was here. Someone touched me.

It was just a dream." -- I mean, probably it was your escaped and unstable ex-girlfriend, but whatever.

"I stare at the ceiling, the flashing light of the smoke alarm taunting me once more. We have no contract. Yet Ana's here. Beside me. What does this mean? How am I supposed to deal with her? Will she abide by my rules?" -- first of all, inanimate objects cannot taunt you. and be fucking glad the smoke detector is blinking. maybe when someone inevitably tries to burn down your building you'll have enough warning to get out. also, YOU TOLD HER SHE DIDN'T NEED TO SIGN THE CONTRACT. THAT WAS YOU. YOUR FAULT. YOURS. 

Unable to sleep, Christian gets out of bed in favor of playing pretentious music on his piano. Ana gets up, and wants to talk. Christian would rather have sex. Cue shock. Cue awe. Thankfully, Ana manages to ask him one question. 

"'I want to get something straight.' She speaks quietly in my ear.

'Always so eager for information, Miss Steele. What needs straightening out?'

'Us,' she says, and the simple word sounds like a prayer.

'Hmm. What about us?' I pause. Where is she going with this?

'The contract.'

I stop and stare down into her shrewd gaze. Why is she doing this now? My fingers glide down her cheek.

'Well, I think the contract is moot, don't you?'

'Moot?' she says, and her lips soften with the hint of a smile.

'Moot.' I mirror her expression.

. . . . .

The v between her brows is back. 'So, let me be clear. You just want me to follow the rules element of the contract all the time, but no the rest of the contract?'

'Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules - all the time. Then I'll know you're safe. And I'll be able to have you anytime I wish,' I add flippantly.

'And if I break the rules?' she asks.

'Then I'll punish you.'

'But won't you need my permission?'

'Yes, I will.'

'And if I say no?' she persists.

Why is she being so willful?

'If you say no, you'll say no. I'll have to find a way to persuade you.' She should know this." -- nope. nooooooope. NOOOOOOOOOPE. Dear Christian: 'NO' DOES NOT MEAN 'PERSUADE ME'. 

So, Ana tells Christian she'll need to review the rules. He goes to print them off and when he returns, she's drinking a glass of water. She asks him if the "obedience thing" still stands and he says yes. In return, she rolls her eyes. *gasp* Christian calls her on it and she says that if he wants to punish her, he'll have to catch her first. After a little faux chasing around the counter, Christian still has not captured her. Disclaimer here: there's gonna be a lot of book text. You need to get it straight from the source right now.

"I stalk her around the kitchen island. 'It'll be worse for you if I have to come and get you.'

'That's only if you can catch me, Christian. And right now, I have no intention of letting you catch me.'

Is she serious?

'Anastasia, you may fall and hurt yourself. Which will put you in direct contravention of rule number seven, now six.'

'I have been in danger since I met you, Mr. Grey, rules or no rules.'

'Yes, you have.'

Perhaps this is not a game. Is she trying to tell me something?"

. . . . . 

"I frown. 'Anyone would think you didn't want me to catch you.' 

'I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.'

And from nowhere the darkness crawls over me, shrouding my skin, leaving an icy trail of despair in its wake.

No. No. I can't bear to be touched. Ever.

'That's how you feel?' It's like she's touched me, her nails leaving white tracks over my chest.

She blinks several times, assessing my reaction, and when she speaks her voice is gentle. 'No. It doesn't affect me quite as much as that, but it gives you an idea.' Her expression is anxious.

Well, hell! This shines a whole different light on our relationship. 'Oh,' I mutter, because I can't think of anything else to say.

She takes a deep breath and approaches me, and when she's standing in front of me she looks up, her eyes burning with apprehension.

'You hate it that much?' I whisper.

This is it. We are really incompatible.

No. I don't want to believe that.

'Well . . . no,' she says, and relief washes through me. 'No,' she continues. 'I feel ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it.'" -- Okay, so I have a lot to say about this. First, I'm sorry for making you read so much of the book. There really was no way for me to accurately portray what was happening otherwise. Moving on. This bothers me a lot. We've all been inside Christian's head for 500 pages now, and we're all very aware how much being touched upsets him (even though we STILL don't know why...). He's all but refused to let Ana touch any part of his body but his dick, and every time she brings it up, he goes into panic mode. We know this. More importantly, ANA knows this. If I'm gonna call out Christian on his emotional manipulation, you'd better believe I'm gonna give Ana hell for it too. YOU DO NOT DO THIS. She starts out saying she feels just as bad about punishment as he does about being touched (and you see his reaction - he's horrified), and backtracks until we arrive at "ambivalent." The definition of ambivalent is being stuck in the middle. Feeling one way about something, but also feeling another way. She's neither here nor there. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't hate it. So no, it doesn't give him any idea about how you feel because the two situations are completely different. You're just telling him you feel like that because you don't want him to punish you. And it's FINE that you don't want to be punished. But jesus, just fucking say no.

You guys fucking belong together.

They talk briefly about how Christian wants to hurt her but won't tell her why because he's afraid she'll run screaming for the hills. So, faced with a dilemma, Ana makes a choice.

"'Show me,' she says.

I don't know what she means.

'Show you?'

'Show me how much it can hurt.'

'What?' I lean back and stare at her in disbelief.

'Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get.'

Oh no. I release her and step out of her reach.

She gazes at me: open, honest, serious. She's offering herself to me once more; mine for the taking, to do with as I wish. I'm stunned. She'd fulfill this need for me? I can't believe it. 'You would try?'

'Yes. I said I would.' Her expression is full of resolve."

She explains that she's confused and trying to work things out. And apparently, the only way to do that is to put herself in a situation that she would likely never be in, ever. He takes her up to the playroom and tells her that after he's shown her how bad it can be, she can make up her own mind. He grabs a belt and tells her to bend over a bench. 

"'We're here because you said yes, Anastasia. And you ran from me. I am going to hit you six times, and you will count with me.'"

I'm not going to put the actual belting scene here. It's painful and uncomfortable and upsetting. Instead, we'll start with what happens immediately after.

"She dashes away her tears with the back of her hand. 'This is what you really like? Me, like this?' 

. . . . .

Why didn't she ask me to stop? She didn't safe-word. She deserved to be punished. She ran from me. She rolled her eyes. This is what happens when you defy me, baby.

She scowls. Blue eyes wide and bright, filled with hurt and rage and sudden, chilling insight.

Shit. What have I done?

. . . . .

'Well, you are one fucked up son of a bitch,' she snarls. 

All the breath leaves my body, and it's like she's whipped me with a belt . . . Fuck!" -- I mean. I hate to say Ana was asking for it, but she literally did ask for it. And she didn't need 6 lashings with a belt to know how fucked up he was. She should have known the second he was like "yes okay let's do it". Or from the moment he tracked her fucking phone 450 pages ago. But he's right. She didn't safe-word. She didn't tell him to stop. Should he have known to stop? Of fucking course. They've talked about how she feels about punishment before. He should have shut this down immediately. But that means ELJ would have to write Christian as a thinking and compassionate person, which we all know is just too much fucking work.

"Now that she knows what's involved, we can move on.

I told her. People like me like inflicting pain.

But only one women who like it.

My sense of unease grows.

Her reaction - the image of her injured, haunted look is back, unwelcome, in my mind's eye. It's unsettling. I am used to making women cry - it's what I do.

But Ana?" 

Christian resolves to let her cry it out - much like a toddler, except nothing like a toddler - and insists that when she's done sobbing, they'll talk things out and everything will be fine. As he's on the floor sulking, a thought occurs to him - what if she's not in the house anymore? What if she's left? Thankfully his fear is abated when he hears her crying from outside her bedroom.

"She's in there, crying.

Oh, thank God." -- I feel like this should not bring you relief, but whatever. Do you.

He lets himself in, after grabbing some cream and Advil (how thoughtful) and lays down beside Ana, drawing her into him. She turns and they exchange pleasantries (somehow she ends up apologizing to him????????). Then, in a single sentence, she brings Christian's world crashing to the ground.

"She swallows nervously. 'I don't think I can be everything you want me to be,' she concedes, her eyes wide with heartfelt sincerity.

The world stops.

Fuck.

We're not safe at all.

Grey, make this right.

'You are everything I want you to be.'

She frowns. Her eyes are red-rimmed and she's so pale, the palest I've ever seen her. It's oddly stirring. 'I don't understand,' she says. 'I'm not obedient, and you can be as sure as hell I'm not going to let you do that to me again. And that's what you need - you said so.'

And there it is - her coup de grace. I pushed too far. Now she knows - and all the arguments I had with myself before I embarked on the pursuit of this girl flood back to me. She's not into the lifestyle. How can I corrupt her this way? She's too young, too innocent - too . . . Ana." 

He decides it'll never work between them and that he has to let her go. She says she doesn't want to go (of course), and he says he doesn't want that either. Then, in a stunning turn of events that literally every person alive saw coming, she tells Christian that she's fallen in love with him. 

"I remember Carrick teaching me to dive. My toes gripping the pool edge as I fell arching into the water - and now I'm falling once more, into the abyss, in slow motion. 

There's no way she can feel that about me.

Not me. No!

And I'm choking for air, strangled by her words pressing their momentous weight on my chest. I plunge down and down, the darkness welcoming me. I can't hear them. I can't deal with them. She doesn't know what she's saying, who she's dealing with - what she's dealing with." -- you're being a little bit dramatic, don't you think?

He goes on to telling her that loving him is wrong, and ELJ somehow passes up the opportunity to make Ana say "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." Ana insists that Christian makes her happy, which is interesting because I feel like she's been miserable for 400 of the 510 pages through which I've traveled. 

"She blinks, her lashes fluttering over her large, wounded eyes, studying me intently as she searches for the truth."

It's baaaaaaaaaaaack

Since Christian has decided that Ana is not allowed to love him, she figures she should leave - which makes total sense, by the way. But Christian is horrified and doesn't want her to leave, even though we've established three times in the last page that he apparently can't make her happy. Ana gets out of bed and tells Christian she'd like some privacy as she cleans herself up. Once she's in the bathroom, Christian is left alone to ponder her feelings for him. As he's moping, Welch calls with no information on Leila other than the fact that she left her husband, which really isn't news at all. 

Ana arrives in the living room, carrying her suitcase. She returns the laptop, phone, and car keys, stating she doesn't want anything to remind her of him. Naturally, Christian takes offense to this ("Are you really trying to wound me?" -- fuck you, Christian, you just beat the shit out of her. let her have this moment to protect her psyche.). She asks Christian for the money that Taylor got for selling her Beetle - you know, the car Christian got rid of without her permission. This, for some inexplicable reason, also offends Christian.

"Money. It always comes down to the fucking money.

. . . . .

Sitting at my desk I call Taylor.

'Good morning, Mr. Grey.'

I ignore his greeting. 'How much did you get for Ana's VW?'

'Twelve thousand dollars, sir.'

'That much?' In spite of my bleak mood, I'm surprised.

'It's a classic,' he says, by way of explanation. 

. , , , ,

I hang up and take out my checkbook from my desk drawer. As I do, I remember my conversation with Welch about Leila's fucking asshole of a husband.

It's always about fucking money!

In my anger I double the amount that Taylor got for the death trap and stuff the check into an envelope." -- "Fucking Ana. I fucking hate her. What could I possibly do, short of beating her again, to show her how deep my hatred goes? Yes. I'll give her twenty-five thousand dollars. Take that, bitch." -- SAID NO ONE EVER. I'd also like to take this moment to say that if I have angered anyone in the past, please, feel free to send me twenty-five thousand dollars of hate money. 

After a couple attempts to get Ana to stay, Christian finally follows her out to the elevator. 

"The elevator doors open and Ana heads straight in. She looks around at me - and for a moment her mask slips, and there it is: my pain reflected on her beautiful face.

No . . . Ana. Don't go.

'Good-bye, Christian.'

'Ana . . . good-bye.'

The doors close and she's gone."

I open at the close.

The chapter (and the book) take a complete turn now, as Ana is pretty much no longer in either. Instead, the remaining 8 pages of this chapter, and the subsequent 36 pages of the book, contain lots of Mopey Christian. In Fifty Shades of Grey, the book ended after Ana left, because it was told from her perspective. But here, ELJ has created another 44 pages of what I'm hoping is plot.

So, after Ana leaves, Christian all but collapses in his foyer, taking particular notice of the paintings on his walls silently mocking him. Because that's what inanimate objects do. They judge.

"She's gone. She's really gone. The best thing that ever happened tome. After she said she'd never leave. She promised me she'd never leave. I close my eyes, shutting out those lifeless, pitying stares, and tip my head back against the wall. Okay, she said it in her sleep - and like the fool I am, I believed her." -- Believed her? You literally just said she said this shit in her sleep? What is there to believe? When I was fifteen, my friend was sleeping over and swears that I asked her to put pancakes in the dryer. Did she? Of course not because she recognizes that people say crazy shit when they're asleep. You didn't tell her what she said, even though she asked numerous times, so she never had the opportunity to confirm or deny her unconscious admission. Instead, you chose to "believe" the words of someone mid-REM. So don't go playing this, "I believed her and she betrayed me" bullshit. It is your fault.

Taylor arrives back at Christian's apartment after driving Ana home. Christian is confused because he's only been sitting in his foyer for 3 paragraphs, which doesn't seem like enough time for Taylor to have made it there and back. Lying there in his agony, which I assume can only look like this:

Christian decides to take a shower, hoping to wash away the pain.

"As I stand I touch the wooden table that dominates the foyer, my fingers absentmindedly tracing its delicate marquetry. I'd have liked to fuck Miss Steele over this. I close my eyes, imagining her sprawled across this table, her head held back, chin up, mouth open in ecstasy, and her luscious hair pooling over the edge. Shit, it makes me hard just thinking about it." -- this really isn't the time, Christian.

Christian gets out of the shower, melancholy as ever. As he's getting dressed, he sees a small box on his pillow. Opening it, he finds a model glider with a note from Ana saying it reminded her of a happy time.

"Some long-lost, ugly memory stirs, trying to sink its teeth into the here and now. No. That is not a place I want my mind to return to. I get up, tossing the box onto the bed, and dress hurriedly. When I'm finished I grab the box and the note and head for my study. I will handle this better from my seat of power."

Sitting at his "Seat of Power", Christian's thoughts turn to Leila, and where the hell she is. Soon, those thoughts turn to Leila in the playroom. And finally, we arrive at Ana. Again.

"Lord, that was so much fun - the equivalent of pulling her pigtails in the playground. Ana in pigtails . . . I shut down that thought immediately. I don't want to go there, our first bath. And all I'm left with is the thought that I won't see her again."

"Christ, that was fun: her girlish excitement during the flight, the squealing, and afterward, our kiss. It was my first attempt at more. It's extraordinary that over such a short time I have collected so many happy memories.

The pain surfaces once more - nagging, aching, reminding me of all that I've lost."

After this bout of pouting, Christian finishes building the glider and Elena calls. He doesn't want to talk to her because he doesn't want to admit that things are over. He hangs up, and goes to find food.

"I examine the contents of my fridge.

Nothing appeals.

In the cupboard I find a bag of pretzels. I open them and eat one after the other as I walk to the window. Outside, night has fallen; lights twinkle and wink through the pouring rain. The world moves on. 

Move on, Grey.

Move on."

36 pages left.

Grey: Chapter 19

Or, Friday, June 3, 2011.

I hope you're all ready for Man Angst of Supernatural proportions. (see what I did there?)

"I can't sleep. It's after two and I've been staring at the ceiling for an hour. Tonight it's not my sleeping nightmares that are keeping me awake. It's a waking one. 

Leila Williams.

The smoke detector on my ceiling is winking at me, its flashing green light mocking me." -- that's called 'blinking', Christian. 

Moving on, Christian ponders the reasons one might become depressed or suicidal, without actually having spoken with said person. And then he makes everything about him. Cue shock. Cue awe.

"Why was Leila suicidal? What possessed her? Her desperate unhappiness resonates with a younger me. I'm trying to quash my memories, but the anger and desolation of my solitary teen years resurfaces and it won't go away. 

. . . . .

Rising from my bed, I push these disquieting thoughts to the back of my mind. I need the piano.

I need Ana. 

If she'd signed the contract and everything had gone according to plan, she would be with me, upstairs, asleep. I could wake her, and lose myself in her . . . or, under our new arrangement, she would be beside me, and I could fuck her and then watch her sleep.

What would she make of Leila?"

-- also, ew. 

Christian sits down at the piano, still contemplating how terrible it would be if Ana ever met Leila, when a much stranger thought occurs to him.

"Leila is servicing my cock with her mouth.

Her skilled mouth. 

Her hands are tied behind her back.

Her hair braided.

She's on her knees.

Eyes cast down. Modest. Alluring.

Not seeing me.

And suddenly she's Ana.

Ana on her knees before me. Naked. Beautiful.

My cock in her mouth.

But Ana's eyes are on mine.

Her blazing blue eyes see everything.

See me. My soul.

She sees the darkness and the monster beneath. 

Her eyes widen in horror and suddenly she disappears.

Shit! I wake with a start, and a painful erection that wanes as soon as I recall Ana's wounded look in my dream."

Christian checks his email and finds one from Ana, letting him know that she's on the plane waiting to take off and has once again been upgraded to first class. She asks about his "situation" and if it is resolved, which it is not. 

"Anastasia,

The situation could be better. Have you taken off yet? If so, you should not be e-mailing. You are putting yourself at risk, in direct contravention of the rule regarding your personal safety. I meant what I said about punishments. 

Christian Grey." -- Dear Christian: on-board WiFi was first used on planes in 2003. It is 2011. I am quite certain that as Ana is likely flying a major airline and probably on a Boeing plane, she also has in-flight WiFi. Stop being a melodramatic doorknob and embrace technology.

As it turns out, Ana hasn't even taken off yet. Her flight has been delayed and Christian is being a jackass for no good reason. That could be the overall title for the series. Like, you know how George R. R. Martin has "A Song of Ice and Fire." ELJ could have "Christian is a Jackass for No Good Reason: the Trilogy."

Christian receives a call from that Welch dude who got the background check on Ana in chapter 2, and he tells him that he's spoken to Leila's husband. I don't actually think they're married anymore but I don't really remember. And Christian thinks they're still married so whatever. He's her husband. Anyyyyyway. "'He says his wife is away visiting her parents,' Welch reports." While on the phone with Welch, Christian feels eyes on him. Obviously it's Ana, having magically shown up at his house. 

"She's all eyes and legs . . . especially legs. I imagine them wrapped around my waist.

Desire, raw and real, fires my blood as I stare." 

Obviously we're beginning a sex scene. Instead of describing to you what's happening (because whoooo really wants that?), I'm just going to share the most bizarre moments.

"I wrap my arms around her, tugging at her ponytail, lifting her eager lips to mine. She tastes of heaven and home and fall and Ana." -- I'd be really concerned if she tasted like anyone else.

"My blood is thick with desire, my erection painful." -- you're supposed to call someone when that happens, right?

"She moans and I feel her quicken around me..." -- I've had sex before and I don't know what this means.

"I come deep and hard inside her, growling out a garbled version of her name." -- her name is Ana. there's really only so much you can do to distort that. "Arrrraanaaarraaaaa" or so I assume.

Annnnd we're done. Now for the post-coital talking.

"'I have a job.' She sounds reticent.

Why? Did she think I'd be angry? Of course she's found a job. Pride swells in my chest. 'Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?' I ask with a smile.

'You don't know?'

'Why would I know?'

'With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have - ' She stops to study my face.

'Anastasia, I wouldn't dream of interfering in your career. Unless you ask me to, of course.'" -- Are you sure, Christian? Are you reaaaaaallly sure? You're telling me that you're not going to PURCHASE THE COMPANY SO YOU CAN KEEP A CLOSER EYE ON HER? THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU'RE GOING TO DO? ARE YOU FUCKING SURE?

"'So you have no idea which company?'

'No. I know there are four publishing companies in Seattle - so I am assuming it's one of them.'

'SIP,' she announces.

'Oh, the small one, good. Well done.' It's the company that Ros identified as ripe for takeover. This will be easy." -- THERE IT FUCKING IS

They decide to actually shower - no doubt I'm in for more awkward sex - and Ana once again asks if he'll ever let her touch him. 

"Her voice is a gentle entreaty, but it doesn't stop the darkness that's swirling suddenly from nowhere and tightening around my throat. 

No.

I will it away, cupping and concentrating on Ana's ass, her fucking glorious behind. My body responds on a primal level - at war with the darkness." -- jesus fucking christ.

They have more sex, and then go out to eat dinner, when Christian proposes, you guessed it, EVEN MORE SEX.

"'I want you ready and waiting in my playroom in fifteen minutes.' I stand up, watching her closely to gauge her reaction. She takes a quick sip of her wine, her pupils widening.

. . . . .

Remarkably, she says nothing, and I head off to my study to send a quick e-mail to Ros telling her I want to start the process to acquire SIP as soon as possible." 

Up in the playroom, Christian reminds Ana of her safe words, something he has never done before. He explains that during this scene, she will be tied up and blindfolded, and will be listening to extremely loud music so she'll be unable to hear or see him. Maybe I'm crazy, but there's no way I'd trust him that much. He chooses a choral piece for her to listen to, which he can also hear. I can only assume that it's some kind of Gregorian chant. After their respective explosive orgasms, we reflect.

"The music definitely contributed to what was almost a religious experience. I frown, attempting but failing to get a handle on my feelings." 

Praise be! Praise be! Let it from this day be known that Christian Grey has discovered the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption. And it was good.

Lying in bed, engaging in more post-coital discussion (we've had a lot of it this chapter), Ana asks if Christian will finally tell her what she said in her sleep. She said she'd never leave him, in case you've forgotten because it's fucking trivial as hell but WE'RE STILL FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT. 

"'You said lots of things, Anastasia. You talked about cages and strawberries. That you wanted more, and that you missed me.'

'Is that all?' She sounds relieved.

Why would she be relieved?

I stretch out beside her so I can see her face.

'What did you think you'd said?'

She opens her eyes for a brief moment, and shuts them again quickly.

'That I thought you were ugly, conceited, and that you were hopeless in bed.' One blue eye peeks open and watches me warily."

Somehow this conversation ends with them dissolving into laughter, an action of which I previously thought Christian incapable. 

"'I'm so tired,' she mumbles once she's in my bed.

'Sleep now,' I whisper, and wrap her in my arms. I close my eyes, fighting the disquieting sensation that surges and fills my chest once more. It's like homesickness and a homecoming rolled into one . . . and it's terrifying."

Grey: Chapter 18

Or, Thursday, June 2, 2011

**trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/attempts**

It's the middle of the night, I think, in Savannah. Ana is talking in her sleep. Christian is channeling his inner Edward.
"'No. Please. Don't leave me.'
What? It's Ana. 'I'm not going anywhere,' I mutter, bemused. Turning, I prop myself up on my elbow. She's huddled beside me and looks like she's asleep.
'I won't leave you,' she mumbles.
My scalp prickles. 'I'm very glad to hear that.'
She sighs.
'Ana?' I whisper. But she doesn't react. Her eyes are closed. She's fast asleep. She must be dreaming . . . what is she dreaming about?
'Christian,' she says.
'Yes,' I respond automatically.
But she says nothing; she's definitely asleep, but I've never heard her talk in her sleep before.
I watch her, fascinated."

Christian wakes Ana up because they have exciting secret stuff to do (it was actually 5am so. not quite the middle of the night.). She is not a morning person - but at 5am, who is? - and asks if she can take a shower.

"'Can't I have a shower?'

'If you have a shower, I'll want one with you, and you and I know what will happen then - the day will just go. Come.'" -- I mean, orrrrrrr, you could acknowledge that while you want to shower with her, you don't need to shower with her. And you don't want to ruin your plans so maybe you just wait while she gets ready. AND you've already showered and showering too often is bad for your skin and hair. Or you could forget that you're a thinking adult with the ability to overcome your baser instincts. You seem to be good at that. In related news, Ana never gets to shower again, ever, because Christian has the self control of a toddler.

Once out of the elevator, they head for the car. 

"Outside, the valet is waiting with the Mustang. Ana arches a brow, impressed by the GT500. Yeah, it's a fun drive, even if it's only a Mustang." 

Again, how rich do you have to be before this becomes a realistic thing to say?

After putting the address of the airfield in the GPS, they're off. And for some reason, Christian thinks opera music (La Traviata, to be exact), is just what they need for an energetic morning.

"'La Traviata? I've heard of that. I can't think where. What does it mean?'

I give her a knowing look. 'Well, literally, 'the woman led astray.'" -- I'm gonna interject for a second here to say that I checked out Google Translate and it simply translates "La Traviata" as "The Traviata." It wasn't until I found, wait for it, WIKIFUCKINGPEDIA, that I found the translation Christian gives.

Christian gives Ana control of the music, and like any 22 year old girl in 2011, she chose Britney Spears.

"She taps on a song, and Verdi's dulcet strings are replaced by a pounding beat and Britney Spears.

''Toxic', eh?' I observe, with wry humor.

Is she trying to tell me something?

Is she referring to me?

'I don't know what you mean,' she says innocently. 

Does she think I should wear a warning?

Miss Steele wants to play games." -- Literally what the fuck does this exchange mean. I'm so. Just. What? Christian you are reading WAY too much into a millennial loving Britney Spears. And may I remind you, she didn't go seeking out that song. It was on YOUR iPod. You're turning nothing into a lot of something and I hate you for it. Also, do not make fun of Toxic. Britney was fucking ON IT when this debuted.

AND ALSO what is Ana responding to here? "I don't know what you mean," doesn't make any fucking sense in the context of what's happening. Because she can't hear what Christian is thinking. And he isn't asking her if she's referring to him, HE'S THINKING IT. GO HOME ELJ YOU ARE DRUNK.

Christian feels the need to explain that he did not put Toxic on his iPod (although who could blame him, that song is a gem), but that just spurs a non-needed conversation about Leila, an ex submissive. Just kidding, it's totally needed because if Christian didn't mention her now, no one would know what the fuck was happening in like 20 pages when she shows up in his kitchen.

We arrive at the airfield so Christian can take Ana soaring. As he's helping her into her parachute harness, we're all given a truly special moment of imagery.

"I hoist the shoulder straps up over her arms and fasten the parachute.

Boy, she looks good in a harness.

Briefly, I wonder how she'd look spread-eagled and hanging from the karabiners in the playroom, her mouth and her sex at my disposal." -- page 442 and we're still talking about Ana as if she's a car your friend is lending you for the weekend.

The guy in charge of the airfield (his name is Mark Benson but it doesn't matter) comes around to check that Ana is strapped in correctly.

"'You'll love it.'

'Thanks, Mr. Benson,' Ana says.

'Call me Mark,' he replies, fucking twinkling at her. I narrow my eyes at him." -- it's called customer service, you soggy pineapple. but thanks for the gif opportunity.

They go soaring and it's thrilling. Ana giggles and it's like heaven itself has opened up to bless their union. Angels sing and the clouds part to make more room for their love. Or something. In the car on the way to breakfast, they discuss their relationship.

"'I like that you introduced me to Mark as your girlfriend,' she says, changing the subject.

'Isn't that what you are?'

'Am I? I thought you wanted a submissive.'

'So did I, Anastasia, and I do. But I've told you, I want more, too.'

'I'm very happy that you want more,' she says.

'We aim to please, Miss Steele.'" -- is this dialogue believable for anyone? ANYONE?

They go to IHOP and the waitress comes to see if they're ready to order.

"We're interrupted.

'Hi, my name's Leandra. What can I get for you . . . er . . . folks . . . er . . . today, this mornin'?'

Oh, God. I ignore the redheaded server.

'Anastasia?' I prompt her.

'I told you, I want what you want.'

Hell. She might as well be addressing my groin." -- again, I'd like us all to take a moment to imagine Dakota Johnson speaking directly to Jamie Dornan's crotch.

"'This is delicious,' she says.

'I like that you're hungry.'

'Must have been all the exercise last night and the thrill this morning.'

'It was a thrill, wasn't it?'

'It was mighty fine, Mr. Grey.'" -- WHY

"I pull up outside her mother's home with some regret. I wish we could play hooky all day; the last twelve hours have been . . . nice.

More than nice, Grey. Sublime." -- are you sure? there's no other adjective you'd like to throw in there? maybe... MIGHTY FINE?

Christian leaves Ana because he has actual work to do, and goes back to the hotel. From there, Taylor takes him to his meeting. As it's wrapping up, Taylor knocks on the door and enters, looking grim.

"There's a knock at the door and Taylor enters the small conference room. His face looks grim, but what's more worrying is that he never, ever interrupts my meetings. My scalp prickles.

Ana? Is she okay?

'Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,' he says to all of us.

'Yes, Taylor,' I ask, and he approaches and speaks discreetly in my ear.

'We have a situation at home concerning Miss Leila Williams.'

Leila? What the hell?" -- DUN DUN DUN

"In the hallway, Taylor's tone is grave as he apologizes once more or interrupting my meeting.

'Don't worry. Tell me what's happened.'

'Miss Williams is in an ambulance on the way to the ER at Seattle Free Hope.'

'Ambulance?'

'Yes, sir. She broke into the apartment and made a suicide attempt in front of Mrs. Jones.'

Fuck. 'Suicide?' Leila? In my apartment?

'She slashed her wrist. Gail went with her in the ambulance. She informed me that the EMT's arrived in time and Miss Williams is not in any immediate danger.'" -- hmm, yes. Leila. The ex submissive who put Toxic on Christian's iPod. I didn't include in this post the conversation that Christian and Ana had about his ex-subs, but mostly it came down to why they left. For many, the relationship simply ran its course. They parted amicably and, I assume, came out of it better people. For a few though, it ended because the sub wanted more and Christian didn't. I'll give you 1 guess to which category Leila fits in. Also, I don't appreciate ELJ using an obviously unstable character for plot development. Leila easily could have broken into the apartment and done LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. But instead, clear depression, mental instability, and a suicide attempt have all been utilized for an extra 60 pages of Man Angst. 

Man Angst: most clearly defined by a Single Man Tear.

"On the flight I throw myself into work to distract me from the problem waiting at home. By the time we've touched down I've read three reports and written fifteen e-mails. Our car is waiting, and Taylor drives through the pouring rain straight to Seattle Free Hope. I have to see Leila and find out what the hell is going on. As we near the hospital my anger surfaces.

Why would she do this to me?"

Eventually Christian makes it to the hospital. After jumping through a few hoops and pretending to be Leila's brother, he is able to get to her floor. Upon arrival, he notices security combing through rooms. A doctor approaches him.

"'Where's Leila?'

He assesses me for a moment, then sighs and steels himself. 'I'm afraid I don't know,' he says. 'She's managed to give us the slip.'

'What?'

'She's gone. How she got out I don't know.'

. . . . .

'And who are you?' I ask.

'I'm Dr. Azikiwe, the on-call psychiatrist.'

He looks to young to be a psychiatrist. 'What can you tell me about Leila?' I ask.

'Well, she was admitted after a failed suicide attempt. She tried to slash one of her wrists at an ex-boyfriend's house. His housekeeper brought her here.' 

. . . . .

'Did you talk to her?'

'I did.'

'Why did she do this?'

'She said it was a cry for help. Nothing more. And, having made such a spectacle of herself, she was embarrassed and wanted to go home. She said she didn't want to kill herself. I believed her. I suspect it was just suicidal ideation on her part.'" -- It bothers me on a primal level how ELJ has constructed a suicidal character and then makes attempts at psychiatry to explain why she isn't actually suicidal, but simply had a moment of weakness. For her psychiatrist character to be so flippant about a woman who was admitted mere hours ago after attempting suicide having now disappeared is irresponsible at best. 

Ana emails Christian asking if he's landed safely (which he has) and if his situation has been taken care of (which it hasn't). They go back and forth with weird couples' banter about how Ana talks in her sleep. Ana makes a comment about Christian's advanced age and the fact that he probably misheard her. She gets frustrated that he won't tell her what she said in her sleep (she said she wouldn't leave him, remember?) and emails that she is "officially pissed" and says goodnight. 

"Anastasia,

I'd rather hear you say the words that you uttered in your sleep when you're conscious, that's why I won't tell you. Go to sleep. You'll need to be rested, with what I have in mind for you tomorrow.

She doesn't respond; I hope for once she's doing what she's told and she's asleep (SHE TOLD YOU SHE WAS GOING TO SLEEP ASSHAT). Briefly I think of what we could do tomorrow, but it's too arousing, so I push the thought aside and concentrate on my e-mails.

But I have to confess I feel a little lighter after some e-mail banter with Miss Steele. She's good for my dark, dark soul."