Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

When we left Ana, she had been moved to tears by Christian's not-so-subtle "you're a commodity" email. Distressed and staring into the darkness, I assume she fell asleep at some point. We enter chapter 14 with Ana in the throes of her first erotic dream. Ever. At 21 years old. The first.

She's dreaming that Christian is teasing her with a leather riding crop, and she's panting. A lot.
"Reaching forward, he trails the tip of the crop from my forehead down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted, panting lips. He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather. 
'Suck,' he commands his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey. 
'Enough,' he snaps.
I'm panting once more as he tugs the crop out of my mouth, trails it down and under my chin, on down my neck to the hollow at the base of my throat. He swirls it slowly there and then continues to drag the tip down my body, along my sternum, between my breasts, over my torso down to my navel. I'm panting, squirming, pulling against my restraints that are biting into my wrists and ankles." -- 139 is not enough words to write 'panting' three times and have it go unnoticed.

Thankfully, the dream is soon over (because Ana is a rare snowflake who can just have an orgasm at the drop of a hat), and Ana has no idea what's happening.
"Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm. Holy hell. I'm completely disoriented. What the hell just happened? I'm in my bedroom alone. How? Why? I sit bolt upright, shocked . . . wow. It's morning. I glance at my alarm clock - eight o'clock. I put my head in my hands. I didn't know I could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research manifesting itself in my first wet dream." -- yeah, Ana. that's it. oysters you ate 12 hours ago are giving you sleep orgasms. if that were the case, everyone would eat oysters all the time.

Grudgingly (I assume), Ana gets out of bed to find Kate prancing around the kitchen. Obviously, the second she sees Ana, she launches into her infamous Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition - honestly, how dare she ask how her best friend's date went? The nerve.
"What can I say? His HIV status is clear, he's heavily into role-play, wants me to obey his every command, he hurt someone he tied to his bedroom ceiling, and he wanted to fuck me in the private dining room. Would that be a good summary?" -- probably not.

She asks Kate if she'd like some tea and offers to listen to her speech for the graduation ceremony later. Kate runs off to get her laptop and leaves Ana to contemplate Christian's indecent proposal.
"I am so confused. Christian's idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It's not how I envisaged my first romance - but, of course, Christian doesn't do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no . . . and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive - deep down, it's the canes and whips that put me off. I'm a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream . . . is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me."

We jump forward for no real reason, and suddenly Ray (Ana's stepdad) is at Ana's place to take her to her graduation. Kate has left already, because she's giving the valedictorian speech and has to be there early. Ana throws her arms around him in what she describes as "an uncharacteristic display of affection," and Ray is immediately concerned. Ana asks how everyone in Montesano is getting along, but we never get an answer because now we're on campus and Ray is parking his car. We're then whisked away to the auditorium, and Ana is nervous.

"There is no one on the stage yet, but I can't seem to steady my nerves. My heart is pounding, and my breathing is shallow. He's here, somewhere. I wonder if Kate is talking to him, interrogating him maybe. I make my way to my seat amongst fellow students whose surnames also begin with S. I am in the second row, affording me yet more anonymity." -- ELJ has clearly never been to an American college graduation. there's no fucking way Ana is in the second row if she's sitting with the rest of the Ss. And I would know. I AM AN S. the only way she's up there is if she's in the top 10% of her class. which she probably is, but that's not stated, is it? these are details that matter, woman.

As the ceremony commences, Ana sees that Christian has chosen to wear that tie, obviously on purpose. She tries as hard as she can to sink into the floor, but Christian's eyes find her nonetheless. 

"I squirm uncomfortably, hypnotized by his glare as I feel a slow flush spread across my face. Unbidden, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing." -- the delectable clench thing. someday, Ana will learn to recognize that she's sexually aroused, and how to articulate it like an adult. 

The ceremony continues, Kate giving a rousing speech about "What Next After College?" (no, I'm not kidding), and Christian speaking to the auditorium about his mission to feed the world. It's all very exciting. During Christian's speech, he mentions that he knows what it's like to be profoundly hungry, and Ana is shocked. Her shock distracts her for the remainder of Christian's speech. What a great girlfriend.

"I'm seized by a sense of raw outrage. Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian..." -- what an interesting list of adjectives. 

Ana's name is called to collect her degree (btw, ELJ - you don't actually get your degree at the graduation ceremony, but whatever), and Christian asks if she's been having a problem with her laptop. She hasn't so he thinks she's ignoring his emails. Ana is confused. 

"I go back to my seat. E-mails? He must have sent another. What did it say?

The ceremony takes another hour to conclude. It's interminable. Finally, the Chancellor leads the faculty members off the stage to yet more rousing applause, preceded by Christian and Kate. Christian does not glance at me, even though I'm willing him to do it. My inner goddess is not pleased."

Once everyone has filed out of the auditorium, Kate scurries into the lobby to find Ana and tells her that Christian really needs to talk to her. She's surprised and worried, but follows her to the back. 

"'Thank you,' he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men's locker room. He checks to see if it's empty, and then he locks the door.

Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me."

He explains to Ana that he's angry that she hasn't responded to any of his emails or texts (it's not like she was busy getting ready for what I assume is the most monumental occasion of her young life or anything) because she drove home in "that deathtrap," and he's basically been worried that she'd died. 

"'Because you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.'

'What? It's not a deathtrap. It's fine. Jose regularly services it for me.' 

'Jose, the photographer?' Christian's eyes narrow, his face frosting. Oh crap." -- for a wealthy, gorgeous, can-have-any-woman-he-wants guy, Christian is remarkably insecure about an almost-rapist that Ana doesn't even like.

"He takes a deep breath.

'Anastasia, I need an answer from you. This waiting around is driving me crazy.'

'Christian, I . . . look, I've left my stepdad on his own.'

'Tomorrow. I wan't an answer by tomorrow.'

'Okay. Tomorrow, I'll tell you then.' I blink at him." -- the beauty of this conversation really lies in the fact that he never actually has her sign his elusive contract. also:

Christian asks if Ana is staying for drinks and mentions that he'd like to meet her stepdad. She's concerned, obviously, about introducing the two of them, and poor, fragile, insecure Christian seems to think it's because she's embarrassed of him.

"'No!' It's my turn to sound exasperated. 'Introduce you to my dad as what? "This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship/" You're not wearing running shoes.'" -- I mean, you could choose to introduce him like this. maybe your dad is carrying and we could just end the series two and a half books early. no? fine.

Ana goes out and finds Ray. She asks if he'd like to get drinks, all the while hoping he'll say no. Obviously he says yes (honestly, who can sit through a graduation and not need booze afterwards?), so they make their way to the reception room.

"'Can I take my cap and gown off now? I feel kind of dorky.' 

You look kinda dorky . . . my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you're fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles. He'd be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes."

So Ana and her dad go get drinks and as Ana is about to introduce Christian as her friend, Kate jumps in and calls him her boyfriend. Ana is furious because I don't really know why, so she follows Kate when she leaves to go reprimand her. When she comes back, her dad and Christian are having a fairly pleasant conversation and Ray asks her where the bathroom is. 

"Ray heads out. I glance nervously up at Christian. We pause briefly as a photographer takes a picture of both of us.

'Thank you, Mr. Grey.' The photographer scurries off. I blink from the flash."

Not that this is the time or the place, but Ana decides that they need to discuss their relationship. She wants more than just amazing sex, and Christian had better be willing to give that to her or.... actually, she'd just stay for the amazing sex, but that's not the point.

"'But I want more,' I whisper.

'More?' he looks down at me puzzled, his eyes darkening. I nod and swallow. Now he knows.

'More,' he says again, softly. Testing the word - a small, simple word, but so full of promise. His thumb traces my lower lip. 'You want hearts and flowers.'

I nod again. He blinks down at me, and I watch his internal struggle played out in his eyes." 

This is really getting out of hand. 

You never really notice how much characters blink until you decide to make a conscious effort to comment on it every time. 

Christian tells her - again - that hearts and flowers aren't his deal. Also, what are we, 6? I haven't described romance as "hearts and flowers" ever, but anyone who has hasn't done so since primary school. Cut it out.

"'Try it,' he whispers. A challenge, daring me, and he cocks his head to one side and smiles his crooked, dazzling smile.

I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist." -- I hate you.

Ray returns from the bathroom and Ana suddenly realizes what she's done.

"Holy shit, I've just agreed to be his sub. Christian smiles at Ray and his eyes are dancing with joy. 

'Annie, should we get some lunch?'

'Okay.' I blink up at Ray (GODFUCKINGDAMMIT), trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? my subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast." -- how many fucking people do you have in there???

After what I'm presuming was lunch, Ray drops Ana off at home. She gets very emotional as he leaves because he's approved of Christian and she's worried that he'll murder her or something, and the whole situation is very overwhelming. She checks her email and there's one from Christian saying he's happy to discuss the soft limits any time, to which she replies that she's free that evening and can come over that evening. He's really adamant about her not driving her car though, so he decides to come to her.

"Holy crap . . . he's coming over now. I have to get one thing ready for him - the first edition Thomas Hardy books are still on the shelves in the living room. I cannot keep them. I wrap them in brown paper, and I scrawl on the wrapping a direct quote from Tess from the book:

'I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - don't make it more than I can bear!'" 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

It's the next day, and Ana has been very distracted at work and decides to call her mother.
"... at the back of my mind, I'm worried that perhaps I've been too negative in my response to the contract. perhaps he'll call the whole thing off.
My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament, which means he's hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he's as accident-prone as I am. He's expected to make a full recovery, but it means he's resting up, and my mother has to wait on him and and sore foot." -- you're kidding, right? first, if anything, you haven't been negative enough about this contract. second, if Bob twisted a ligament, there is absolutely no reason your mother shouldn't be able to make your graduation. the fuck do you think they make crutches for? unless he's broken his neck, Bob can take care of himself for two days. I call bullshit.

Somehow, Mom knows exactly what's going on with Ana without her having to say a word.
"'Ana, you sound distracted - are you okay, baby?'
'Yes, Mom,' Oh, if only you knew. There's an obscenely rich guy I've met and he wants some kind of strange kinky sexual relationship, in which I don't get a say in things." -- the longer you keep fucking him, the less valid your whining becomes. you're an adult. either keep fucking him, knowing full well what he wants, or get the fuck out.

Ana hangs up with her mom and finds that she's wandered into her room. She's like a character in the Sims, just walking around for no reason whatsoever.
"Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the e-mail program." -- I hate you.

There's an email from Christian, responding to Ana's issues with the contract. As justification, he offers up the definition of "submissive" because that obviously should take care of everything. They argue for a few emails about whether or not Ana is allowed to drive her car to Christian's hotel and Ana finally wins.

"He's even grumpy by e-mail. Doesn't he understand that I may need to make a quick getaway? Not that my Beetle is quick . . . but still - I need a means of escape." -- if this is what's crossing your mind before having dinner with a man, probably you should just stay home.

The next day at work, Ana's coworker won't leave her alone.

"Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York to start an internship with a financing company. He follows me around the store all day asking me for a date. It's annoying.

'Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.'

'No, you don't, you're just saying that to avoid me. You're always avoiding me.'

.......

'Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss's brother.'

'You're finishing here on Friday. You're not working tomorrow.'

'And I'll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you'll be in New York soon. We couldn't get much farther apart if we tried.'" -- are you sure? are you reeeeeally sure? you're graduating from college this week and you think New York is as far away from Seattle as a person can get? also, how is it possible that someone as horribly vapid as you has so many men beating down her door?

Paul continues to press Ana for information on her date, and she gets more and more annoyed.

"'Who then?'

'Paul . . . oh.' My sigh is exasperated. he's not going to let this go. 'Christian Grey.' I cannot help the annoyance in my voice. But it does the trick. Paul's mouth falls open, and he gapes at me, struck dumb. Humph - even his name renders people speechless.

'You have a date with Christian Grey?' he says finally, once he's over the shock. Disbelief is evident in his voice.

'Yes.'

'I see.' Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part of me resents that he should find this a surprise. My inner goddess does, too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers." -- we're all shocked, Ana. literally no one has any idea how you landed this guy. 

Later that night, Ana is getting ready for her meeting with Christian.

"I shower, shave my legs and underarms, wash my hair, and then spend a good half hour drying it so that it falls in soft waves to my breasts and down my back. I slip a comb in to keep one side off my face and apply mascara and some lip gloss. I rarely wear makeup - it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with makeup - maybe I'd know more about it if they had." -- DO YOU GO OUTSIDE 

Ana arrives at the bar, and after garnering a chiding look from the valet for forcing him to park a beat up Volkswagen, enters. She sees Christian leaning against the bar and manages to make it over to him without stumbling through the lobby. They sit, Christian orders her wine, and the conversation begins.

"'Are you nervous?' he asks softly.

'Yes.'

He leans forward.

'Me, too,' he whispers conspiratorially. My eyes shoot up to meet his. Him? Nervous? Never. I blink, and he smiles his adorable lopsided smile at me."

IT LIVES

"The waiter arrives with my wine, a small dish of mixed nuts, and another of olives.

'So, how are we going to do this?' I ask. 'Run through my points one by one?'

'Impatient as ever, Miss Steele.'

'Well, I could ask you what you thought of the weather today.'

He smiles, and his long fingers reach down to collect an olive. He pops it in his mouth, and my eyes linger on his mouth, that mouth, that's been on me . . . all parts of me. I flush." -- god this is gross.

They continue talking, though Ana keeps getting distracted. Christian pulls out a printed version of her email, and starts from the beginning.

"He fishes into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. My e-mail.

'Clause 2. Agreed. This is for the benefit of us both. I shall redraft.'

I blink at him. Holy shit . . . we are going to go through each of these points one at a time."

He moves on to her issues on the sexual health clauses (why isn't he also required to prove to her that he's disease free and all that), and she is, once again, overcome by her own eyelashes.

"'All my recent tests are clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I'm vehemently antidrug. I have a strict no-tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all my employees, and I insist on random drug testing.'

Wow . . . control freakery gone mad. I blink at him, shocked."

She informs him that the contract is legally unenforceable, and he's confused as to why she'd ever think it was.

"'Anastasia, it doesn't matter if it's legal or not.'" -- uhhh, I'm gonna go ahead and say yes, it fucking does.

Christian asks if she's eaten today (of course not), and tells her that they can either eat in the bar or in his private suite. He asks her what she'd prefer to do, and when she says they should stay in public, he decides to move them into the private dining room. Because it's way more fun to give her the illusion of choice. They sit, oysters are brought out, and they begin discussing Ana's issues with the contract. She drinks more wine than she should and he tells her exactly what she wants to hear. At some point, conversation turns from the contract to how much Christian would like to fuck Ana over the table.

"'Christian. You just don't fight fair.'

'I know. I never have.'

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes - play this sex god at his own game. Can I? Okay. What to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it." -- RIP, asparagus.

Eventually, Ana musters up enough self-control to tell Christian she needs to leave. He tries to convince her to stay, but to no avail. He walks her outside and the valet brings her car around.

"'Will it make it to Seattle?'

'Yes. She will.'

'Safely?'

'Yes,' I snap, exasperated. 'Okay, she's old. But she's mine, and she's roadworthy. My stepdad bought it for me.'

'Oh, Anastasia, I think we can do better than this.'

'What do you mean?' Realization dawns. 'You are not buying me a car.'" -- spoiler alert: yes he is.

So, she climbs into her car, choking back tears (seriously), and drives off, lamenting about their relationship for four whole paragraphs. 

"But the thought of not seeing him again is agonizing. How has he gotten under my skin so quickly? It can't just be the sex . . . can it? I dash the tears from my eyes. I don't want to examine my feelings for him. I'm frightened what I'll uncover if I do. What am I going to do?

I park outside our duplex." -- WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE? LITERALLY ONE CHAPTER AGO, YOU WENT FOR A RUN AND: "I take a deep, cleansing breath, and then jog back to the apartment." AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS BULLSHIT HAS HAPPENED. YOU CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE IF YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT SHARES A WALL WITH ANOTHER HOUSE OR IN A SMALL SPACE CONTAINED IN A LARGE BUILDING WITH A LOT OF OTHER SMALL SPACES. 

Just to clarify, in Chapter 2 of Grey, remember when Christian had that dude run the background check on her? Yeah. It says she lives in APARTMENT 7. Stop calling it a fucking duplex. 

Fuck you, ELJ. Preferably with that peeled ginger root from Grey.

Ana gets to whatever structure it is in which she lives, and is relieved to find that Kate is absent. She doesn't want to see her crying, again. She turns on the "mean machine" (this is the second time she's called it that and I still don't know why), and there's an email from Christian waiting for her. He's confused about why she ran off and he's imploring her to really consider the arrangement he's offering. Naturally, this makes her more upset.

"His e-mail makes me weep more. I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition. Reading this, I might as well be. I don't reply. I just don't know what to say to him.... As I lie staring into the darkness, I think of all the times he warned me to stay away. 

Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you.

I don't do the girlfriend thing.

I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.

I don't make love.

This is all I know.

And as I weep into my pillow silently, it's this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. Perhaps together we can chart a new course."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

"For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweatpants, and a T-shirt. I put my hair in pigtails, blushing at the memories they bring back, and I plug in my iPod. I can't sit in front of that marvel of technology and look at or read any more disturbing material. I need to expend some of this excess, enervating energy. Quite frankly, I have a mind to run to the Heathman Hotel and just demand sex from the control freak. But that's five miles, and I don't think I'll be able to run one mile, let alone five, and, of course, he might turn me down, which would be beyond humiliation."

-- Okay, first of all, if your sneakers have never been used, how the fuck are they also nasty? do you just leave them outside all the time?  why did you buy sneakers if you were never going to use them? why have you just now decided to go running? there are other ways to clear your head. is it because Christian goes running? and while we're on the subject, who the fuck exercises in pigtails? and also, ewwww pigtails???? I know you weren't really there when he was thinking about how those things made you look but I remember because I blogged it.

I was also there when he decided to mail you a computer, and I can assure you, it's just a laptop. leave all of that "marvel of technology" bullshit for your grandparents, sweetie. you know what a computer is. in fact, get on that fucking thing and look up the word "enervating". because when you do, you'll find that it's a descriptive word, used to denote something that drains you of energy (ie, enervating heat). so it's super fucking hard to have "excess enervating energy" that is in need of expending. and why the fuck are there so many Es????? that entire sentence sounds like it came out of a toddler's alphabet book. which I'm sure Christian would love, given how he feels about your fucking pigtails. so maybe you should run the 5 miles and demand sex. he could use them as handlebars and achieve yet another one of his "firsts" because let's be honest - a guy who's asking you to sign over your everlasting permission for him to use your body as he pleases, and to fuck you whenever and wherever he wants, is certainly not going to fucking turn you down.

As Ana runs through the park, she considers what she's going to do about Christian.

"What am I going to do? I want him, but on his terms? I just don't know. Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn't. My research has told me that legally it's unenforceable. He must know that. I figure that it just sets up the parameters of the relationship. It illustrates what I can expect from him and what he expects from me - my total submission. Am I prepared to give him that? Am I even capable?" -- so let me get this straight. you were able to do enough research to discover that this contract is unenforceable, but not enough that you don't have to verbally ask what a butt plug does in 70 pages? really?

Ana goes back to her apartment and decides that the best way to deal with this enigmatic control freak is to send him a cryptic email. No way that could go wrong.

"'Okay, I've seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana'

I press "send," hugging myself, laughing at my little joke." -- hilarious, Ana. truly. your comedic genius knows no bounds. you are a true master.

Unfortunately, Christian doesn't think her joke is so funny, and soon he's at her apartment.

"I don't know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye (maybe? maybe? are you sure that's not exactly what happened?????), I don't know, but when I do, he's standing in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me intently. He's wearing his gray flannel pants and a white linen shirt, gently twirling his car keys. I pull my earbuds out and freeze. Fuck!

'Good evening, Anastasia.' His voice is cool, his expression completely guarded and unreadable." -- remember like 3 chapters ago when you thought it was the sunglasses that made him unreadable?

So Christian is in Ana's room, like the stalker he is, challenging her email to him. He sits on her bed, and when she offers him a drink, he cocks his head to one side like a confused puppy (or these guys) and declines.
"Leaning forward, he slowly undoes one of my pigtails, his fingers freeing my hair. My breathing is shallow and I cannot move. I watch hypnotized as his hand moves to my second pigtail, and pulling the hair tie, he loosens the braid with his long, skilled fingers." -- pigtails AND long fingers in the same sentence.

Soon after Christian gets rid of Ana's pigtails, he removes that tie from his pocket and proceeds to tie her up with it. I know this, because it's described once: "...he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard." And then I'm informed again. "I'm tied, literally, to my bed, and I'm so aroused."

After she's tied up and undressed, Christian blindfolds Ana with her own shirt.
"He places his long index finger over my mouth, a warning.
.....
'Mmm,' he breathes appreciatively. 'This just gets better and better. I'm going to get a drink.'
Leaning down, he kisses me, his lips tender against mine, and his weight shifts off the bed. I hear the quiet creak of the bedroom door. Get a drink. Where? Here? Portland? Seattle?
.....
He shuts the door and shuffles around removing his pants. They drop to the floor, and I know he's naked." -- yeah, Ana. he's going to leave you tied up while he fucking drives to Seattle for a fucking martini. and also, how the fuck are you narrating him getting undressed when you can't fucking see? CONTINUITY IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

Christian has come back with ice and wine, and proceeds to tease Ana to the brink of losing her mind, all the while asking "Is this nice?" "How nice is this?" "So it was nice knowing me, huh?" like he's just discovered a very exciting new word.
"'Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way? There's an endless choice,' he breathes against my lips." -- there's no diagram here, Christian. you're literally just thinking out loud and no one but you can see the various ways in which you might decide to fuck her. just make up your damn mind so this scene can be over.

Parks and Rec is killing it this time around

After still more sex, they talk a little bit about the contract. Ana brings up Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and comments that Christian has her to talk to about his lifestyle but Ana isn't allowed to talk to anyone. And, as we'd expect from Christian, he offers the shittiest of solutions.
"'I don't think I've ever thought about it like that. Mrs. Robinson was part of that lifestyle. I told you, she's a good friend now. If you'd like, I can introduce you to one of my former subs. You could talk to her.'
What? Is he deliberately trying to upset me?
'Is this your idea of a joke?'
'No, Anastasia.' He's bemused as he shakes his head.
'No - I'll do this on my own, thank you very much,' I snap at him, pulling the duvet up to my chin. 
He stares at me, at sea, surprised.
........
'Anastasia Steele - are you jealous?'
I flush, crimson.
'Are you staying?'
'I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow morning at the Heathman. Besides, I told you, I don't sleep with girlfriends, slaves, subs, or anyone.'" -- in what world can Christian think "hm yes I've been this girl's only sexual experience ever. definitely the people she wants to talk to aRE OTHER WOMEN I'VE FUCKED." He's too stupid to be this rich.

So Ana kicks him out, but still agrees to meet with him on Wednesday to discuss the contract. She's feeling used, in her words, "like a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim," which, to be fair, is exactly what she is. After Christian leaves, Ana has a teary heart-to-heart with Kate and decides to go to bed. Once in her room, she emails Christian with her list of issues and he responds asking why she's still awake.
"Sir,
If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.
Good night.
Ana" 

Christian responds:
"GO TO BED, ANASTASIA.
Christian Grey
CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

Oh . . . shouty capitals! I switch off. How can he intimidate me when he's six miles away? I shake my head. My heart still heavy, I climb into bed and fall instantly into a deep but troubled sleep." -- first of all, she said "good night," implying she was already going to go to bed, so fucking chill. second, you're fucking kidding, right? a well placed caps lock is all it takes to intimidate you? how are you even an adult?