Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

THE TIME HAS COME

Ah, yes. The contract. That morally ambiguous, non-legally binding piece of paper that we've all been wondering about for 165 pages. It's finally arrived. Currently, Ana is unaware of its legal status (because Christian is a twat and didn't bother to tell her), so she's approaching it assuming she's actually about to sign her life over to Christian. Which is weird, and I don't know why a person would ever consider doing something like that, but it's not my life. YOLO, amirite? 

This particular document would have been well served with a little "don't worry, I can't sue you for breaching the terms" talk before Christian sent Ana home with it. Because with phrasing like "The following are the terms of a binding contract..." and "Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach," it's no wonder Ana thinks it's for real. She's still fine with it, which is a completely different monster, but we'll get to that later.

Obviously, because we're in Ana's head now, we're getting a more complete look at the "contract" and the problematic language contained therein.

"The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agree additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise." -- otherwise?? what kind of otherwise?

"The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of time." -- uh?

"In cases of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant." -- I hate to be the one to bring this up, but the last I checked, this Dominant has no authority whatsoever to decide when medical attention is necessary???? 

"The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times." -- noooooope

She goes through the rest of the contract, and is concerned. Mostly, she doesn't like that he effectively owns her, that she has to be available to him every weekend, that she has to do what she's told without question, that he can punish her, that she can't touch him or look him in the eye... you know, just like 99% of the contract. Before she tries to tackle the list of approved foods (which really, should be the easiest thing for her to handle), she decides to go to sleep. She's awoken the next day by Kate, because she has to sign for a package. It's a Macbook, from Christian, and the guy setting it up knows more about that particular machine than Ana knows about life in general.

"'It's got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you'll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM - what are you planning to use it for?'

'Uh . . . e-mail.'

'E-mail!' he chokes, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face. 

'And maybe Internet research?' I shrug apologetically.

He sighs.

'Well, this has full wireless N, and I've set it up with your Me account details. This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.' He looks longingly at it.

'Me account?'

'Your new e-mail address.'

I have an e-mail address?" -- you just....... you literally JUST said you're going to use it for email??????? and now you're surprised you have an email address????????????? how did you think you were going to send emails????????????

The guy leaves and Ana logs into her email to discover a message from Christian. It surprises her for many reasons, not the least of which is that she just discovered email exists. All Christian says is that he hopes she slept well and that she needs to put this laptop to good use (eg: look up all the stuff in the contract you're confused about, like butt plugs).  She responds that while she appreciates the gesture, she does not "want or need a computer indefinitely," which is an interesting thing for a newly graduated millennial in need of employment to say, but what the fuck ever. 

"I am going to be late for work. Well, it is my last week - Mr. and Mrs. Clayton will probably cut me some slack. I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He e-mailed me. I'm like a small, giddy child." -- I'll have whatever drugs she's on, thanks. Also, just because it's your last week does not mean you can be a shitty employee. Those people have supported you for like 4 years. Be respectful and go the fuck to work.

Jose meets her for lunch, because I guess we've forgiven the almost rapist. When she gets home that evening, there's an email from Christian waiting for her. All it says is that he hopes she had a good day. He could have sent her a text but this is a very weird 2011 where everyone emails instead. She responds, calling him "Sir," which again, is interesting considering she still has very basic questions about this non-contract. Finally, we get to the root of the discussion.

"Mr. Grey,

What would you suggest I put into a search engine?" -- Okay, first of all, I have graduated from college and my degree was just as useless and just as research-based as Ana's. She should absolutely know how to conduct research, even for something as apparently out of her depth as BDSM. But, like the kind soul he is, Christian offers a solution: Wikipedia. 

"I type 'Submissive' into Wikipedia.

Half an hour later, I feel slightly queasy and frankly shocked to my core." -- I wouldn't be a quality blogger if I didn't do exactly what Ana is doing in the instances that I can. SO. I've just been to Wikipedia. And as Ana did, I typed "Submissive" into the search bar. Do you want to know what I found? Do you???

That's fucking right. Typing "Submissive into Wikipedia doesn't give you ANY uncomfortable or sickening information. IT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE YOU TO THE PAGE FOR 'SUBMISSIVE'. Instead, it redirects you to "Deference". And what happens when you click on the link to view the page for "Submissive"?

So tell me, ELJ. How the fuck could you not be bothered enough to check to make sure your suggestion to use fucking Wikipedia would actually work out? Everyone reading this bullshit you call literature knows you know how to you use it, because that's how you got all of your information on BDSM. And before anyone tries to defend her with "oh but maybe the site changed the search results after so many people tried to do the same search," please note that this book was published in 2011 and the Wikipedia page was last edited in 2010. 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

In case you had forgotten since the last post, Christian and Ana are in the throes of passion when they hear the voice of his mother outside his room. Christian starts getting dressed and tells Ana to do the same, even though he hasn't fucking untied her yet.
"He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans - no underwear!" -- well no, you idiot. he's likely going to just rip his jeans off again the second he's alone with you. who needs underwear?

"His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she's practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto." -- in case you're wondering, like I was, what the fuck this means, it's Latin for "in blazing offence" and there is literally no fucking way Ana knew what the hell this meant. She's the dumbest college graduate in the free world, as evidenced by her blatant inability to read interview questions before she asks them, and you want me to believe she fucking knows Latin? Fuck you.

Christian tells her she can wear something of his and then he "runs his hand through his just-fucked hair." At this point in the book though, Christian's hair is always "just-fucked" because ELJ doesn't know how to construct plot so just decided to fill the pages with as many dicks as she possibly could. Ana checks herself in the mirror and realizes that "just-fucked pigtails" don't suit her. That's because you're a 22 year old woman who has no business wearing her hair in any pigtails, just-fucked or not.

"'So how did you two meet?' She looks questioningly at Christian, unable to hide her curiosity.

'Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I'm conferring the degrees there this week.'

Double crap. I'd forgotten that." -- We know. In fact, you'd forgotten about it 10 minutes after you found out about it. Remember that? When you thought you'd never have to see him again? I do. Because I blogged itttttt.

See?

As Ana is meeting Christian's mother (Marcia Gay Harden in the film, in case you were curious), her phone rings. She thinks it's Kate, but SURPRISE, it's actually Jose calling to apologize for very nearly giving her enough cause for a restraining order 6 chapters ago. He's mad that she's in Seattle with Christian, and Christian is mad that he called, because neither of them regard Ana as a person, but rather as a prize in some competition I'm pretty sure she didn't agree to. Christian disappears into his study and returns a second later with the contract.

"'This is the contract. Read it, and we'll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what's involved.' He pauses. 'That's if you agree, and I really hope you do,' he adds, his tone softer, anxious.

'Research?'

'You'll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,' he murmurs.

Internet! I don't have access to a computer, only Kate's laptop, and I couldn't use the one at Clayton's, not for this sort of "research" surely." -- For fuck's sake, really???? You don't have access to a computer? But you've somehow managed to get through 4 years of being an ENGLISH MAJOR??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. YOU'RE GRADUATING THIS WEEK YOUR SCHOOL'S LIBRARY IS NOT GOING TO LET YOU USE THEIR SHIT ANYMORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Ana tells Christian she needs to make a phone call (to Kate) and his reaction is, well, ridiculous.

"'The photographer?' His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. 'I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.' His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom." -- holy fuck, Christian. this is not the way to get a girl to sign a legally-ambiguous contract. also...

ELJ has forever ruined blinking.

They leave Christian's apartment and begin the drive to Portland.

"People stare at us as we drive through the streets. For a moment, I think it's at him . . . and then a very paranoid part thinks everyone is looking at me because they know what I've been doing during the last twelve hours, but finally I realize it's the car." -- OF COURSE IT'S THE CAR? EVEN IF EVERYONE DID KNOW WHAT YOU HAD BEEN DOING (OMG NOT SEX), LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHERE YOUR VAGINA HAS BEEN.

They continue driving and Christian turns on Bruce Springsteen.

"Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words. Christian glances at me. He's got his Ray-Bans on so I can't see what he's feeling." -- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the sunglasses are not the problem:

Page 12: "I can't help thinking that we're talking about something else, but I'm mystified as to what it is."

Page 15: "And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I'm not sure which."

Page 16: "If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away."

Page 31: "His expression is impassive, but his words . . . it's like he's saying something else entirely. It's baffling."

Page 66: "He's staring at me, gray eyes dark, and as usual, I have no idea what he's thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well."

Page 68: "Yet he's so antagonizing, too; he's difficult, complicated, and confusing."

Page 77: "Christian is watching me as I tie my hair back, his expression unreadable."

On their way back to Portland, Christian asks Ana if she's hungry. She says no, but he drives them to a restaurant anyway. After sitting down and having exactly one sip of wine, Ana decides this very public venue is as good a place as any to start asking questions.

"'What's vanilla sex?' I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, sexy look he's giving me (this is not the question I would ask to get rid of that look, but fine). He laughs.

'Just straightforward sex, Anastasia. No toys, no add-ons.' He shrugs. 'You know . . . well, actually you don't, but that's what it means.'

'Oh.' I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?" -- Could we just stop using food to describe sex? Please?

Ana goes home and tells Kate about her very first sexual encounter, but is very careful to not violate the non-disclosure agreement she signed.

"My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny finger (so it's not just Christian's fingers we're obsessed with), then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much." -- you're fucking kidding, right?

Ana asks Kate to tell her about Elliot, I presume to get the spotlight off of her.

"Kate blushes. Oh my . . . Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me." -- I hate you so much. 

After a little more dishing, Kate tells Ana she got some mail and Ana is thrilled to discover that she has landed interviews for internships (which, by the way, Ana, are not jobs - also, who the hell discovers this by mail? no one in this series uses the phone). 

"'Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!'

'For which publishing house?'

'For both of them!' (yes, all two publishing houses in Seattle)

'I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.'" -- I seriously doubt that's what happened, but okay.

Jose calls for the millionth time that day, and Ana finally talks to him.

"'Ana, you're back!' Jose shouts his relief at me.

'Obviously.' Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone.

He's silent for a moment.

'Can I see you now? I'm sorry about Friday night. I was drunk and you . . . well. Ana  - please forgive me.'

'Of course, I forgive you Jose. Just don't do it again. You know I don't feel like that about you.'" -- hell no. HELLLLL NO. I know this "being wanted" thing is a new concept for you, Ana, but you don't just forgive someone for crossing a line like that. This is why you end up in the situation you do at the end of the book. Grow a fucking backbone.

Once Ana is off the phone, it rings again, and it's Elliot. Kate takes the phone into her room and Ana is left on the couch. She tries to watch TV, but her mind continues to drift back to Christian and the contract she has in her purse. She's troubled because both Christian and Jose want something from her, though I'm not entirely sure why she's even worried about Jose, since she's not interested. She buries her head in her hands and wonders what she's going to do about Christian.

"He's such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure . . . no wonder he's old before his time." -- oh, so we're romanticizing his past to make what he's going to do to you in 300 pages okay. I see. 

"If I'd not met him, I'd still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night and this morning . . . and the incredible sensual sexuality I'd experienced. Do I want to say good-bye to that? No! screams my subconscious . . . my inner goddess nodes in Zen-like agreement with her." -- HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN THERE

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

It's morning, and Ana is awakening from her slumber.
"I stretch out and open my eyes. It's a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view."

She wanders around the bedroom until she finds the bathroom - honestly how many doors can he have? - and she looks at herself in the mirror.

"Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I'm honest, and my muscles - jeez, it's like I've never done any exercise in my life. You don't do any exercise in your life. My subconscious has woken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She's shouting at me." -- I know Christian is the one seeing a therapist, but you might want to seriously consider it. I'm sure he or she could help you do something about that semi-sentient, self-deprecating subconscious you have going on there. He or she might also be able to help you get over the "you should hate yourself for sleeping with someone who doesn't love you" and "you're worth less after you have sex" myths that have been far too ingrained in your tiny mind. Once again, sex education has failed you.

Looking at you, America.

"I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process this. ..... I shudder. I'm bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual way-ward self. Just-fucked hair doesn't suit me." -- excepttttttt that it's not "just-fucked" hair, it's "I've been sleeping for 7 hours" hair. there is a difference.

Ana searches her purse for hair ties (to tame her wayward locks), and, upon finding them, puts her hair in pigtails.

"I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard." -- why the fuck is this even a thought that crosses your mind? "YES NATURALLY THE MORE GIRLY I LOOK THE LESS I WILL ATTRACT THIS HETEROSEXUAL MAN." I'm starting to think you deserve everything you have coming to you.

In case you're wondering, like I was, about the reference to someone called Bluebeard, sit back because I'm about to tell you the best story you've ever heard. The character Bluebeard comes from a French folktale. Essentially, he's this super rich dude who no one wants to be around because he has a really ugly blue beard hanging out on his face. He's somehow managed to marry quite a few women, but no one knows what happened to them. So one day, he takes a fancy to his neighbor's daughters and asks to marry one of them - I guess it doesn't matter which. When he takes the youngest of the sisters to his castle, he has to leave suddenly on dastardly business or something. He gives her all the keys to the chateau and tells her to use them freely and to go wherever she pleases. However, he gives her one other key that he says she can never use - THEN WHY GIVE IT TO HER? Obviously, she ignores that and the second he leaves, she's opening the forbidden door. The room it leads to is covered in blood and all of the guy's former wives are hanging on hooks. She tells her sister and she comes to the castle to rescue her but her husband comes home early and discovers what she's done. Before he murders her, she asks for 15 minutes to pray. She locks herself and her sister in a tower room and her brothers show up and kill Bluebeard. She inherits his fortune, gives some to her family, and uses the rest to marry a super rich, presumably nice guy. -- the thing to take from this is that Ana seems to be convinced that Christian is going to flat-out murder her, and yet she's still in his kitchen making him breakfast.

As stated above, Ana rummages around Christian's kitchen and decides to cook breakfast. She has music blasting in her ears, and is dancing around the stove as she makes pancakes.

"I need somewhere to keep the pancakes warm, and I start on the bacon. Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that's because I'm a misfit. I have never fitted in (cringe) anywhere and now . . . I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself."

Eventually Christian joins her and catches her off-guard. She can barely keep her knees from giving way below her as he sits at the bar. She asks where the placemats are and he tells her that she should just keep cooking and he gets up to get them.

"'I'll do that. You cook. Would you like me to put some music on so you can continue your . . . er . . . dancing?'

I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I'm turning puce.

'Please, don't stop on my account. It's very entertaining.' His tone is of wry amusement.

I purse my lips. Entertaining, eh? My subconscious has doubled over in laughter at me. I turn and continue to whisk the eggs, probably beating them a little harder than necessary. In moment, he's beside me. He gently pulls my pigtail.

'I love these,' he whispers. 'They won't protect you.' Hmm, Bluebeard . . . " -- This didn't make sense when it was from Christian's perspective, and Ana's perspective doesn't offer anything more in the way of information except that we're still considering that Christian could be a serial killer but we're also still making him breakfast.

They eat, and Christian tells Ana that he'd like to continue her "basic training," but since she's sore, he decides that they should focus on oral skills. They talk a little bit about the non-disclosure agreement because Ana has questions about "the mechanics" of sex and would like to speak to Kate about them. Christian insists she doesn't because Kate is sleeping with his brother. He asks her how last night was for her and she says "good," which feels like an understatement.

"'Me, too,' he murmurs. 'I've never had vanilla sex before. There's a lot to be said for it. But then, maybe it's because it's with you.' He runs his thumb across my lower lip.

I inhale sharply. Vanilla sex?

'Come, let's have a bath.' He leans down and kisses me.

My heart leaps and desire pools way down low . . . way down there." -- jfc, Ana.

So, they get into the bath and Christian begins washing her. I don't know if I'll ever think that's a sexy thing to do to someone, but it works for Ana.

"He doesn't linger long and glides his hands down to my stomach and belly (are these different parts of your body????). My breathing increases and my heart is racing. His growing erection presses against my behind. It's such a turn-on know that it's my body making him feel this way. Ha . . . not your mind, my subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought." -- Ana. Or, I guess, Ana's subconscious. Your mind will make him love you, but not fuck you. Brains do not create boners. That's just the way it is.

Obviously, things progress in the bathtub. We all remember the "oral skills" bit of this from Christian's perspective, though you lucky people didn't actually have to read the entire scene. I'm not sure from which perspective it's more uncomfortable, but Ana provides a lot of strange commentary.

"I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." -- I'm just gonna say it. Yuck.

"'Have you done that before?'

'No.' And I can't help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

'Good,' he says complacently and, I think, relieved. 'Yet another first, Miss Steele.' He looks appraisingly at me. 'Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let's go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.'

Orgasm! Another one!" -- careful, Ana. you're only allotted a certain amount of orgasms in your whole life. don't use them all this weekend.

They leave the bathroom and Christian takes her to his room. He ties her wrists together with a gray tie (such creativity. amazing.), and tells her not to move her hands. As you can probably infer from context, more sex happens for the rest of the chapter, and Ana is still awkward about it.

"This time he doesn't stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he's going to do, and part of me whats to push him off because I'm mortified and embarrassed. He's going to kiss me there!" -- oh nooooo! not THERE!

"I pull my tied hands over his neck and hold him the best I can. I know in that moment I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he's introduced me to, it's beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can't, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh . . . what to do?" -- You just said you'd do anything for him. I feel like "what should I do?" is a question you should asked before making that decision.

Lying bed, Christian and Ana suddenly hear voices outside the bedroom.

"'What do you mean he's not alone?'

'He has someone with him.'

'Oh . . .' Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

'Shit! It's my mother.'"