Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 17

We open this chapter with a vivid dream from Miss Steele.
"The candle flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprinkling dusty scales in the circle of light. I'm struggling to resist, but I'm drawn. And then it's so bright, and I am flying too close to the sun, dazzled by the light, fried and melting from the heat, weary in my endeavors to stay airborne." -- exactly two pages ago, Ana said this: "'You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun.'" - laying it on a little thick, aren't you?

Ana wakes up to find herself "draped in Christian Grey." He's all limbs, and has wrapped one leg around her knees and has flung his arm across her chest. "He's wrapped around me like a victory flag." She considers that since he's sleeping, she can touch him, so she runs her fingers down his back, inevitably waking him up. 

"He moves slowly, unpeeling his limbs from me as he gets his bearings. I become aware of his erection against my hip. He notices my wide-eyed reaction, and he smiles a slow, sexy smile. 

'Hmm . . . this has possibilities, but I think we should wait until Sunday. ' He leans down and nuzzles my ear with his nose. 

I flush, but then I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat." -- I can see it now - Seven Shades of Scarlet: And To Think You Thought This Bullshit Was Over -- also, why is his erection surprising to you?? YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH HIM BEFORE.

Christian asks what time it is and realises he's nearly late for a meeting in Portland. He scrambles around to get his stuff together, and before he leaves, reminds Ana of when she'll see him next.

"'Sunday,' he says, and the word is pregnant with an unspoken promise. Everything deep in my body uncurls and then clenches in delicious anticipation. The feeling is exquisite." -- exquisite or not, you should probably get that looked at.

He tells her that Taylor will sort out her Beetle and that he'll email her with a time for Sunday. Why they don't text each other, I'll never know. But just like that, Christian has run off to work. After Ana finishes getting ready for her own job, she has some extra time so chooses to email Christian and explain her feelings about being spanked. I've gone through this entire email exchanged previously, in Chapter 12 of Grey, so if you'd really like to be reminded of how horrible Christian's reaction to Ana's concerns of abuse are ("Do you think you could just try to embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That's what a submissive would do."), go ahead and read that post. 

The emailing ends and Ana leaves for work.

"The Audi is a joy to drive. It has power steering." -- as usual, I've done my due diligence for this blog and consulted Wikipedia and discovered that power steering first became commercial in 1951. because that's what ELJ would do. except that's also what she didn't do, as her 22 year old protagonist in the year 2011 is surprised that a fucking AUDI has power steering.

As she drives to work, she contemplates life and the things she's already agreed to.

"Yes. I'm an adult, thank you for reminding me, Christian Grey, and it is my choice. The problem is, I just want Christian, not all his . . . baggage - and right now he has a 747 cargo hold's worth of baggage. Could I just lie back and embrace it? Like a submissive? I've said I'd try. It's an awfully big ask." -- except it's not. it's not too much to ask someone you like/love/are involved with to accept you and your baggage. sure, he has more than the average person, but as you just stated, you've already said you'd try. It's a little late to be like 'dang I guess I should have decided to be a thinking adult about this instead of allowing myself to be driven by my newly discovered baser instincts.' and fuck you for wanting this perfect image of Christian but turning your nose up at literally everything that makes him a person. it's true that he's the shittiest of shitty people, but you've chosen to love him so that's officially your problem now.

Halfway through her last shift at work, a package is delivered. Christian has bought Ana a BlackBerry and she's pissed. Her shift ends, and her bosses gather the employees for a 'goodbye Ana' speech.

"In that moment, all the events from the past 3 weeks well up inside of me: exams, graduation, an intense, fucked-up billionaire, deflowering, hard and soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides, and the fact that I will move tomorrow." -- no one says 'deflowering' anymore.

Back at her apartment, Jose joins Ana and Kate in a little 'we're done packing' celebration. They're a few beers into the night when Elliot (Christian's brother and Kate's boyfriend) knocks on the door. He sweeps Kate up into an embrace, and Ana and Jose are uncomfortable.

"'Shall we walk down to the bar?' I ask Jose, who nods frantically. We are too uncomfortable with the unrestrained sexing unfolding in front of us.

......

As we stroll down to the bar, I put my arm through Jose's. God, he's so uncomplicated - I hadn't really appreciated that before." -- you're much more comfortable with the almost-rapist than you should be.

Ana gets back from the bar and, after responding to some emails from Christian, goes to bed. The next day, Elliot helps Ana and Kate move into their new apartment in Seattle. Once they're moved in, Kate goes to get pizza, which they eat on the floor. The doorbell rings with a welcome present from Christian - champagne and a helicopter balloon - prompting Ana to tell Kate about the time Christian flew her from Portland to Seattle. 

The next day, Ana wakes up in anticipation.

"No . . . today's the day. My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy and portentous over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly - as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me . . . and of course, I have to sign that damned contract, or do I?"

She checks her email to see that Christian has sent her the information she'll need to drive to his place - the garage code, where to park, and the code for the elevator. She replies that she understands and proceeds to get ready. She leaves, and is excited to discover that she can drive the Audi in heels. This is illegal in Washington, but did we really expect ELJ to research that?

She arrives at Christian's apartment and he leads her to the couch.

"Sitting beside me, his whole body is turned toward me, one of his legs tucked under the other. Reaching over, he tucks my hair behind my ear with his long index finger. My body comes alive at his touch, waiting and needful."

He asks if she's eaten (she hasn't), and she says she's hungry, but not for food. Obviously. He tells her that while he'd also like to enjoy some quality time, the ob-gyn he hired to see her (the best ob-gyn in Seattle, apparently) is going to be there soon. Ana considers how much he must be paying this woman to make a house call on a Sunday at lunch time, when she shows up.

"'Ready for some contraception?' he asks as he stands and holds out his hand to me.

'You're not going to come as well, are you?' I gasp, shocked.

He laughs. 'I'd pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don't think the good doctor would approve.'" -- I'm still not sure why this appointment is even happening? You don't need someone to get all up in your business before they prescribe you birth control.

Ana follows the doctor and the chapter ends.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 16

We rejoin Ana and Christian in the moments just after Ana's incredibly poetic orgasm.

"Slowly the outside world invades my senses, and oh my, what an invasion. I am floating, my limbs soft and languid, utterly spent. I'm lying on top of him, my head on his chest, and he smells divine: freshly laundered linen and some expensive body wash and the best, most seductive scent on the planet . . . Christian. I don't want to move, I want to breathe this elixir for eternity."

She places her hand on his chest, despite knowing how he feels about that kind of contact, and is then surprised when he removes it and asks her to not touch him. Again. Finally, she's had enough and wants answers.

"'Why don't you like to be touched?' I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.

'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.'" -- YOU DID ITTTTTT

Are you, Christian? Are you FIFTY SHADES of fucked up? (it should be noted that from here on out, Ana refers to Christian as 'my fifty shades' or sometimes just 'fifty'. Like the rapper. I'm sorry.)

This seems to please Ana, who drops the subject immediately and just stares at Christian.

"'If you imagine for one minute that I think you ceded control to me, well you haven't taken into account my GPA.' I smile shyly at him. 'But thank you for the illusion.'

'Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.' he boasts, playful again. 

I flush and blink at the same time, as he stares down at me." -- Your GPA has literally nothing to do with anything and quite frankly I don't believe it's anywhere near what ELJ decided it was since your research skills and general inability to navigate life leave so much to be desired. Also, the amount of orgasms she's had has nothing to do with her being more than just a pretty face, so, as usual, I'm left confused. And a little bit sad that I can't find a blushing AND blinking Buzz Lightyear gif.

This will just have to suffice.

It turns out that the reason she's blushing and blinking all at once is that she never told Christian about that time like 2 chapters ago that she had the sex dream about him. Remember? When she was surprised that she could dream sex? Naturally, once she tells him the dream happened, he wants to know what it was about. Unfortunately, this is Anastasia Steele we're dealing with - the girl who, despite having a lot of sex recently, can't communicate about it without behaving like she's in primary school. Christian stands up from the bed and starts getting dressed. 

"I don't want him to go. What can I do?

'When is your period due?' He interrupts my thoughts.

What?

'I hate wearing these things,' he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on the floor and slips on his jeans.

'Well?' he prompts when I don't reply, and he looks at me expectantly as if he's waiting for my opinion on the weather. Holy crap . . . this is personal stuff." -- jesus fucking christ you're fucking sleeping with him. your period is now relevant to his life and if you want to be so much more, you're going to need to suck it the fuck up. he's aware that you're a woman and therefore you get your period - he's more knowledgeable about your basic anatomy than you are. and honestly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that he clearly has little enough respect for you that he just throws a used condom on your floor instead of seeking out the bin. 

They talk for a bit about getting Ana on birth control and signing the ever elusive contract. Christian wants to do a scene with her, but won't until she's signed because then he'll know she's ready - he can tell a lot from someone's signature. She suggests that she could just drag out their relationship by not signing, and some creepy 'playful' banter ensues. There's talk of potential kidnapping, holding her against her will, you know. The usual. Then, Ana rolls her eyes at him and it just gets worse.

"'What did I say I'd do to you if you rolled your eyes at me again?'

Shit. He sits down on the edge of the bed.

'Come here,' he says softly.

I blanch. Jeez . . . he's serious. I sit staring at him, completely immobile.

'I haven't signed,' I whisper.

'I told you what I'd do. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you, and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we'll need that condom after all.'

His voice is so soft, menacing, and it's damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it; our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and then that's it? Because I know it will be over if I say no." -- I'm sorry this is so long but SERIOUSLY???? first of all, she's right - she hasn't signed anything. my issue isn't with the fact that she hasn't signed, or that she's afraid, or even that ELJ basically said her insides had liquefied. she's literally only doing this because she doesn't want their 'relationship' to end. they've been together for MAYBE 2 weeks at this point. she's actually considering running away from him, but she guilts herself into staying because he's her first boyfriend (except not). ugh.

"'Aargh!' I cry out on the tenth slap - and I'm unaware that I have been mentally counting the blows. 

'I'm just getting warmed up.'

He hits me again, then he strokes me softly. The combination of the hard stinging blow and his gentle caress is so mind-numbing. He hits me again . . . this is getting harder to take. My face hurts, it's screwed up so tight. He strokes me gently and then the blow comes. I cry out again.

'No one to hear you, baby, just me.'

And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. But I don't. I don't want to give him the satisfaction." -- I am so angry. Not only because Christian implying that there's no one to hear her is first horribly creepy, but also because it's inaccurate. And I'm not being pedantic here. He's telling her there's no one to come save her. No one can hear her, right? So she's stuck. Even if she says no. Even if she screams no. He's basically just said 'you might as well just take it because there's nothing that's going to make me stop.' 

So after completely debasing and humiliating Ana (and then fucking her again), Christian asks if she's okay. 

"I think about his question. My backside is sore. Well, glowing now, and amazingly I feel, apart from exhausted, radiant. The realization is humbling, unexpected. I don't understand.

'I'm okay,' I whisper. I don't want to say more than that." -- at this point, Christian gets off her bed and gets dressed to leave. if he knew anything at all, he'd know that whispering a response like that is questionable at best, and he really should have stayed. but he doesn't.

When Christian comes back to Ana's room after using the bathroom, she can't look at him. He says he's leaving and she tells him she'll walk him out, still not meeting his eyes. At her front door, he tells her to look at him and he's staring back at her in awe because "'You didn't cry.'" He leaves, and Ana heads back inside. 

"I close the door and stand helpless in the living room of an apartment that I shall only spend another two nights in. A place I have lived happily for almost four years . . . yet today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own company. Have I strayed so far from who I am? I know that lurking, not very far under my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can't even sit down and enjoy a good cry. I'll have to stand." -- yeah, she sounds fine.

Sure, Sam. Suuuure.

She decides to call her mom, who knows immediately that something is wrong. When Ana tells her it's about a guy, her mother naturally assumes she's been beaten, which, let's face it, isn't that far off. Ana assures her that no, really, everything is fine, she just wants more from their relationship than he does. Her mom tells her that men are a different species and that she wishes she could help.

"Christian is definitely a different species . . . different planet." -- I dream of a world where people can be planets and not be criticised for it.

While she's on the phone, Kate comes home and sees she's been crying. Hanging up, Ana turns to face her. For once, Kate has sound advice along the lines of 'if this guy is being a cunt, leave him,' but Ana is having none of that. She changes the subject to see how Kate's day was, downs a few glasses of wine, and goes to bed. Before she falls asleep, she checks her email and finds one from Christian. It's more complimentary than we'd expect from Mr. Grey, opening with how exquisite and witty (????) Ana is, but the veil is quickly lifted when he continues "Take some Advil - this is not a request. And don't drive your Beetle again. I will know." So at this point, I think it's safe to assume that Christian either has Ana under pretty constant surveillance, or he's attached some kind of tracking device to her car. Both of which are fairly creepy. 

Some email banter goes back and forth, Ana telling Christian she'll need to drive the car so she can sell it somewhere, Christian responding that Taylor is going to do that because the car is dangerous, Ana countering that she doesn't want Taylor to do that and that she thinks it's interesting that Christian would rather his long time and valued employee drive the car instead of "some woman you fuck occasionally"... it's riveting stuff. He doesn't like that she called herself that and says it makes him MAD (ELJ's shouty capitals, not mine) and that Ana won't like him when he's angry. She says she doesn't really like him at the moment anyway. He wants to know why. It's because he never stays with her. 

Sorry for all the exposition. Have a cute puppy gif to feel better.

Ana shuts down the computer and reflects upon the day.

"And then this evening, he actually hit me. I've never been hit in my life. What have I gotten myself into? ...... Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn't want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings . . . and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open . . . and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow." -- for anyone wondering, 'sluice' is derived from a Dutch word (and one that Ana would never ever know), meaning 'a water channel controlled at its head by a gate'. also, you've known this asshole for like 2 weeks. stop crying over him and move the fuck on. it isn't your job to fix him and as much as it pains me to say it, you deserve better.

In the midst of wallowing in her sorrow, Ana's angst is interrupted by Kate shouting from the living room. Suddenly, Christian bursts into Ana's room and turns on her light. He turns it off quickly because it almost blinds her and he sits on her bed. Kate follows him in and asks Ana if she'd like her to 'throw this asshole out' (yes, Kate. please.), but Ana says no. Christian implores Ana to talk to him because if he'd known she was so miserable, he'd never have left. Which I'm pretty sure is bullshit, but okay.

"'I take it when you said you were okay, you weren't.'

I flush. 'I thought I was fine.'

'Anastasia, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest,' he admonishes me. 'How can I trust anything you've said to me?'" -- the phrase 'I thought I was fine' is not her admitting that she was just telling you what you wanted to hear. she thought she was fine. and it just turned out that she wasn't. it happens. stop being horrible and trying to make her feel guilty for having emotions.

The conversation continues and Christian finally opens up to Ana a little bit about why he'd so desperately like to beat her senseless. It's a touching moment, really. 

"'I like the control it gives me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've wanted to spank you since you asked me if I was gay.'

I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine Kavanagh is responsible for all this, and if she'd gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she'd be sitting here with the sore ass." -- no she fucking would not. there is no way in hell Kate would ever let Christian or any other man blatantly abuse her in the name of his own sexual pleasure. you're on your own there, Ana.

Ana is concerned that Christian wanting to beat her into a new personality means he wants to change her, but that's absolutely not what he's trying to do at all how could she even think that??? He doesn't want to change her - he just wants her to obey everything he says and cease to be a person of independent thought. Why is that so hard for her to accept??

Christian asks Ana how she felt during and after she was spanked and she says she was confused. He disagrees.

"'You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia.' He closes his eyes briefly, and when he reopens them and gazes at me, they are blazing." -- I've already covered why you don't get to tell another person what they're sexually aroused by because bodies are bizarre things, but in case we've forgotten, allow me to refresh your memory.

Ana is having a difficult time expressing the way she feels, and Christian sarcastically tells her to write him an email (because she's more eloquent in print. it's funny. get it?). He decides to stay the night, though Ana isn't sure if it's because he wants to or if he knows she wants him to and its important to her that he stays because he wants to. 

"Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of BlackBerry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets." -- this has nothing to do with the story, I just thought it was interesting that Christian keeps his money separate from his wallet. And also that Ana is 22 years old and hasn't figured out that men's giant pockets are the reason they don't carry purses.

He tells her to turn the light off because it's late and they both have to get up in the morning. She notes that he's still super bossy but decides she can't complain because he's decided to sleep with her, and also considers that maybe she should weep more often in front of him because he'll give her what she wants. Honestly, I don't know who's more manipulative here. Christian pulls her close to him, and the two of them fall into what I assume is a peaceful and non-abusive slumber.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 15

Sorry for the month-long hiatus. Turns out grad school actually requires some effort. I'm out of class until mid-January though, so hopefully we can get back to your regularly scheduled programming... at least for a while. It saddens me greatly that I've not made as much progress in this book as I thought I had (according to my Nook, I'm 51.1% of the way through), but we must trudge on.

When we last saw Ana, she had just finished reading an email from Christian telling her that he would be with her shortly to discuss the soft limits of his "contract". He appears, clad in jeans, a tshirt, and a leather jacket, and Ana loses herself for a moment.
"'Hi,' he says and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he's hot in leather." -- admire.... the pretty. really? also, literally everyone is hot in leather. it's a fact. unless you're David Schwimmer, I guess.

He's brought champagne, which would be a nice gesture if it wasn't Christian, and Ana tells him they have to drink it out of teacups because they've packed everything else. 

"I head into the kitchen. Nervous, butterflies flooding my stomach, it's like having a panther or mountain lion all unpredictable and predatory in my living room." -- is it? are you sure?

Ana emerges from the kitchen with teacups (no saucers, you uncultured swine?) to find Christian looking at the note she left him on the Thomas Hardy novels she intends to give back. 

"'I bought these for you,' he says quietly, his gaze impassive. 'I'll go easier on you if you accept them.'

I swallow convulsively." -- what does that look like, exactly?

They go back and forth for far too long about what Ana is going to do with these books. Christian won't take them back, Ana doesn't want them, Christian wants her to want them because he wants her to want to please him and her wanting them would somehow do that, Ana suggests donating them to a charity in Darfur because THAT'S what they need, and finally, Christian - tired of wanting Anna to want to please him and Anna not wanting to not please him but also not wanting the books - tells her to stop thinking about it.

"'Don't think, Anastasia. Not about this.' His tone is quiet and serious.

How can I not think? You can pretend to be a car, like his other possessions. My subconscious makes an unwelcome vitriolic return. I ignore her." -- I see what you're going for here, but you've either just suggested that all of Christian's possessions are cars, or that all of his possessions pretend to be cars. I'm not an expert but I don't think either of these statements is correct.

After some coaxing (and being called a 'ho' by her own subconscious), we get to the root of the problem: accepting lavish gifts from Christian in exchange for sex makes her feel cheap. Personally, I think it's obvious that she's insanely expensive, but I'll let her have this one. Christian pours each of them a glass of champagne and they go to the couch to discuss the soft limits - but not before Ana downs her glass and he gives her more champagne.

"Christian rises gracefully and collects the bottle. He fills my cup. Is he getting me tipsy? I eye him suspiciously." -- we're all eyeing him suspiciously, Ana.

They talk about a lot of things that aren't the soft limits, and Ana gets more and more impatient. After some irrational anger at her not telling him she has interviews for publishing houses in Seattle, Christian decides that they can finally move on to the reason he's here. But first, more champagne. 

"'Drink up, let's talk about these limits.'..... I drain my cup.

He glances quickly at me.

'More?'

'Please.'

He smiles that oh-so-smug private smile of his, holds the champagne bottle up, and pauses.

'Have you eaten anything?'

Oh no . . . not this old chestnut. (do people really talk like this?)

'Yes. I had a three-course meal with Ray.' I roll my eyes at him. The champagne is making me bold.

...........

He fills my cup and I drink practically all of it."

So. The soft limits they're discussing include:

- Masturbation

- Cunnilingus

- Fellatio

- Swallowing Semen (why did ELJ capitalise this?)

- Vaginal intercourse

- Vaginal fisting

- Anal intercourse

- Anal fisting (except fisting of any kind is off the table.)

Christian asks if there's anything else on the list Ana objects to, and it turns out there is.

"'Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat.'

'I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we'll wait for that.'"

Christian divulges that he has had anal intercourse, and that it was with Mrs. Robinson. Ana is extremely confused by this ("Holy shit . . . how?"), having never heard of strap-ons, dildos, or sex toys in general. 

"He moves on down the list.

'And . . . swallowing semen. Well you get an A in that.'

I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together, glowing with pride." -- may I refer you to the above gif.

He refills her glass of champagne again, and moves on to sex toys. The list is as follows:

- Vibrators

- Butt plugs

- Dildos

- Other vaginal/anal toys (for a 'contract' this is harmfully vague language.)

Ana, ever eager to show how much research she hasn't done, has a question.

"'Butt plug? Does it do what it says on the box?' I scrunch up my nose in distaste." -- honestly how thick are you.

She gets offended that Christian thinks it's funny she felt the need to ask such specific questions, and then they move on to bondage. It consists of 2 lists:

"Does the Submissive consent to:

- Bondage with rope

- Bondage with leather cuffs

- Bondage with handcuffs/shackles/manacles

- Bondage with tape

- Bondage with other

Does the Submissive consent to be restrained with:

- Hands bound in front

- Ankles bound

- Elbows bound

- Hands bound behind back

- Knees bound

- Wrists bound to ankles

- Binding with spreadbar

- Binding to fixed items, furniture, etc.

- Suspension"  

Somehow, Ana gets distracted from the list at hand and moves on to her own concerns.

"'Okay . . . Well, gagging me. I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to breathe.'" -- not on the list, but fine. also, do you regularly breathe only through your mouth? 

Christian explains that she'll definitely be able to breathe, but that doesn't quite put an end to Ana's fears. What if she needs to safe word and can't speak? Sure, she could just punch him, but Christian explains they'll use hand signals. Still though, Ana is dubious.

"I blink up at him. But if I'm trussed up, how's that going to work? My brain is beginning to fog . . . hmm, alcohol." -- this is bad.

Ana makes the observation that Christian ties his submissives because he doesn't want them touching him. The topic makes him uncomfortable, so he moves on the only way he knows how.

"'You don't like talking about that,' I murmur.

'No, I don't. Would you like another drink? It's making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain.'" -- obviously he refills her glass, but really.... decisions about pain should be made when the person is sober. things hurt a lot less when you're drunk.

He breaks out the punishment list. Ana's subconscious "runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch." Because this is a healthy, trusting relationship.

- Spanking

- Whipping

- Biting

- Genital clamps

- Hot wax

- Paddling

- Caning

- Nipple clamps

- Ice

- Other types/methods of pain

Prior to this meeting, Ana had taken genital clamps off the table, though Christian informs her that it's caning that hurts the most. But don't worry - we'll work up to that. He tells her there's one more thing he wants to talk about and then he's taking her to bed.

"'Bed?' I blink rapidly, and my blood pounds through my body, warming places I didn't know existed until very recently." -- public education has failed no one as hard as it has failed Anastasia Steele.

Christian takes Ana into her room and begins to undress her, in the creepiest way possible.

"He places his index finger at the nape of my neck and achingly slowly drags it down my spine, his fingernail grazing my skin.

'I like this dress,' he murmurs. 'I like to see your flawless skin.'" -- yeah, baby. and maybe later, I'll wear it like a coat.

He pulls her closer to him and starts kissing her shoulders.

"He is so tantalizingly good at this. My body resonates, and I start to squirm languidly beneath his touch.

'You. Are. Going. To. Have. To. Learn. To. Keep. Still.'" -- No. One. Talks. Like. This. 

"He tugs at the fastening at the halter neck, and the dress drops and pools at my feet.

'No bra, Miss Steele. I like that.'" -- COULD YOU NOT TELL THAT BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE STARING AT HER NAKED BACK?

He tells her to turn around to face him, and she does.

"I obey immediately, and my breasts rise and push into his hands, my nipples hardening further. My fingers weave into his hair, and very gently I tug his soft, sexy hair."

Amid all the languid squirming, Christian informs Ana that because she displeased him (I have no idea how), he may not let her come at all. I'd like to point out that orgasm denial was not mentioned in his non-legally-binding list of things he can do to her.

"His hands move down to my sex, and from behind, he slowly inserts his finger.

'Oh yes. My sweet girl is ready,' he breathes as he whirls me around so I'm facing him. His breathing has quickened. He puts his finger in his mouth. 'You taste so fine, Miss Steele.' He sighs.

Holy shit. His finger tastes salty . . . from me." -- actually, I believe the adjective he used there was 'fine', not 'salty.' But okay. Ana is omniscient now. We all should have seen that coming.

Christian tells her to undress him and that she's in charge, and she's stunned. She's never undressed a man before and the task is daunting. I mean, their jeans button on the opposite side! And what about his shirt? Are you just supposed to cut it off? I thought most men just rip their shirts to shreds to remove them. She pushes him on to the bed, because everyone knows it's easier to take clothes off when the person is laying on them, and straddles him. Because it's also easier when you're sitting on the clothing. She fumbles with the buttons on his jeans, and he tells her to get the condom out of his pocket. 

"I search in his pocket slowly, watching his face as I feel around. (how big are these pockets??) His mouth is open. I fish out both foil packets that I find and lay them on the bed by his hips. Two!" 

She goes to remove his jeans and realises she has a problem.

"I tug down the zipper, and now I'm faced with the problem of removing his pants . . . hmm. I shuffle down and pull. They hardly move. I frown. How can this be so difficult?

'I can't keep still if you're going to bite that lip,' he warns, then arches his pelvis up off the bed so I'm able to tug down his trousers and his boxers at the same time, whoa . . . freeing him. He kicks his clothes to the floor.

Holy Moses, he's all mine to play with, and suddenly it's Christmas." -- Happy Holidays, everyone!

Christmas only lasts for a little while, however, as soon, Christian needs to walk her through how to put on a condom. Seriously, they have sex ed in Washington. What the hell? He's decide that she's going to fuck him (I thought she was in charge?), but she's never been on top before, so this is another thing he walks her through. 

"'Here, put this on.' He hands me the foil packet.

Holy crap. How? I rip the packet open, and the rubbery condom is all tacky in my fingers.

'Pinch the top and then roll it down. You don't want any air in the end of that sucker.'" -- sexy.

"I am fucking him. I am in charge. He's mine, and I'm his. The thought pushes me, weighted with concrete, over the edge, and I climax around him . . . shouting incoherently. He grabs my hips, and closing his eyes, tipping his head back, his jaw strained, he comes quietly. I collapse on to his chest, overwhelmed, somewhere between fantasy and reality, a place where there are no hard or soft limits."