Bared to You: Chapter 4

Ah, yes. I am officially on holiday from work for a whole wonderful, stress-free week. It's really a stay-cation though, which means I'll have plenty of time to spend here, sharing the joys of Sylvia Day with all of you. Whether I'll have the energy for such a task remains to be seen, but I'm feeling good just now so let's get into it.

When we left Eva and Gideon (is it just me or are these names not as good as Ana and Christian? Oh no - I've gotten attached), they were about to have sex in the middle of Gideon's office in the middle of a work day, even though Gideon had been super aggressive and predatory (I swear, if this book ends up being a bunch of rape-fantasy sex, I quit). They were startled out of their ardour by the voice of Gideon's receptionist who, thankfully, was not actually in the room (I mean *think* of the HR problems).

"'Cross stood at the far end of the sofa, flushed and scowling, his chest heaving. His tie was loosened and the fly of his slacks strained against a very impressive erection."

"'Christ.' He shoved both hands through his hair. 'It's the middle of the fucking day. In my goddamn fucking office!'" -- I know, right?

They adjust their clothes and attempt to look more like colleagues and less like the embarrassments they are. Eva reaches for her purse and Gideon takes her chin in his hand and asks if she's okay.

"I jerk my chin away. 'Do I look okay?'

'You look beautiful and fuckable. I want you so badly it hurts. (that's just your optical illusion straining against your slacks) I'm dangerously close to taking you back to the couch and making you come 'til you beg me to stop.'" -- Is this where I'm supposed to swoon?

Gideon tells her that he'll move what he has to around and come get her at 5, something she has not previously agreed to. 

"'No, you won't. This doesn't change anything.'

'The hell it doesn't.'

'Don't be arrogant, Cross. I lost my head for a second, but I still don't want what you want.'

His fingers curled around the door handle. 'Yes, you do. You just don't want it the way I want to give it to you. So, we'll revisit and revise.'" -- Be still, my heart.

He's so romantic.

"He stood calmly and hit the call button. 'Five o'clock, Eva.'

I stared at the lighted button. 'I'm busy.'

'Tomorrow, then.'

'I'm busy all weekend.'

Stepping in front of me, he asked tightly, 'With whom?'

'That's none of your —'

His hand covered my mouth. 'Don't. Tell me when, then. And before you say never, take a good look at me and tell me if you see a man who's easily deterred.'

..........

Just before the doors closed, he said, 'We're going to happen, Eva.'

It sounded as much like a threat as a promise."

For perspective, I am on Day Four of trying to blog this one chapter. The goal is to finish it before I start work again. Here we go.

Eva gets back to work late, because her lunch/erotic rendezvous ran a little long. She feels bad but her boss tells her not to worry because he also had a late lunch. They get back to work, and before she knows it, it's 5pm and her stalker is probably lurking somewhere in the building waiting to ambush her before she goes home. And they say romance is dead.

The office phone rings and it's her mother, calling to inform her she left her cell phone at Stanton Richard's (Richard Stanton's?) office. She knows this, since she tracks it. Eva asks her mother what her therapist thinks about her tracking her phone, and it sort of seems like she hasn't told him. Surprising. Eva suggests a joint session, and her mother agrees. They exchange platitudes: how Eva really likes her job, how her boss is great, and absolutely nothing about the walking restraining order waiting to happen. They make a date to have a spa day, and Eva leaves for home. Not five minutes after she's hung up the phone, it rings again. Thinking it's her very distracted mother again, she answers.

"'I'm still thinking about you.'

The velvet rasp of Cross's voice flooded me with such relief that I realized I'd been hoping to hear it again. Today.

God. The craving was so acute I knew he'd become a drug to my body, the prime source of some very intense highs.

'I can still feel you, Eva. Still taste you. I've been hard since you left, through two meetings and one teleconference...'" -- You might want to see a doctor, dude. I'm pretty sure that isn't supposed to happen. Also, it sounds like you're not paying enough attention to running your business. Unless that really does it for you.

She tells him she still doesn't want to sleep with him (honestly I've lost track of how many times this poor woman has had to say 'no'), and suggests that instead he should "Go spend time with a woman who salivates at your feet and makes you feel like a god. Fuck her until neither of you can walk." The theory behind this is that the next time he sees her, he'll not be interested anymore. Which is not, I don't think, how sexual attraction works at all, but okay. 

"The creak of leather sounded over the phone and I imagined him leaning back in his desk chair. 'That was your one free pass. The next time you insult my intelligence, I'll take you over my knee.'" -- WEALTHY MAN IN POSITION OF POWER THREATENS TO HIT SUBORDINATE: FULL STORY AT 9. Seriously, though, is there an HR department at this place or is that literally just Gideon and a whip?

Instead of telling him to fuck off, Eva says she needs to go because she has a date with her vibrator, which, if anything, will just encourage this behaviour. To prove my point, Gideon's next question is: "What will it take to talk you into a threesome with B.O.B.?" Now, perhaps due to my own ignorance, but more likely due to the fact that absolutely NO ONE calls a vibrator 'B.O.B.', my first thought at that question was not "Battery-Operated Boyfriend", but instead that Gideon was suggesting a threesome with a mediocre rap artist who hadn't even been consulted to gauge his interest.

And the thing - the really painful thing - is that her comeback is good! It is! But. ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I just can't take her seriously. 

"'B.O.B. and I have a longtime understanding — when we're done with each other, we know exactly which one of us has been used, and it isn't me. Good night, Gideon.'" -- BAM! YES! That is how it's done! Is what I would say if I believed for a second it was going to make an ounce of difference.

Upon arriving home, Eva is so happy to be away from Gideon that she dances through the door and interrupts a private, though non-compromising, moment between Cary and his maybe boyfriend, Trey. Seeing them together makes Eva bitter about how clinical and impersonal Gideon wants their sexy time to be. Eva takes a bottle of wine out of the fridge and Parker (the Krav Maga guy) calls. Richard-Stanton has decided to fund some safety improvements to the studio, and Parker is super excited about it. Trey leaves for class and after complaining about Gideon and her mother, Eva and Cary decide to go to a club to get her mind off of things.

They bounce around from club to club until they come across some dude near a Walgreens promoting a lounge. It's very fancy and all they have to do is show the card he gives them and they get in free. They're just settling in and ordering drinks when surprise surprise, Gideon shows up and plants a domineering hand on Eva's shoulder. Cary abandons Eva, like a good friend, and goes to dance. Throughout the course of the painfully forced dialogue, we learn a few things about Gideon and the night Eva's been having that, honestly, are too ridiculous to even be fiction.

"'Do you come here often?'

Shit. Where did that cliched line come from?

His hand dropped to my lap and caught one of mine, his fingers curling into my palm. 'When necessary.'

......

Gideon's mouth curved into a genuine smile that hit me hard. 

'When expensive decisions need to be made. I own this club, Eva.'

Of course he did. Jeez."  -- Yes. Of course he does.

The waitress comes around with two vodka cranberries, which Gideon ordered, and which Eva has been drinking all night. Suspicious.

"'Not bad,' he murmured. 'Tell me if we made it right.'

He kissed me. He moved in fast, but I saw it coming and didn't turn away. His mouth was cold and flavored with alcohol-laced cranberry. ..... I shoved a hand in his glorious hair and clenched it tight, holding him still as I sucked on his tongue (ew?). His groan was the most erotic sound I'd ever heard, making the flesh between my legs tighten viciously.

Shocked by the fury of my reaction, I wrenched away, gasping.

Gideon followed, nuzzling the side of my face, his lips brushing over my ear. He was breathing hard, too, and the sound of the ice in his tumbler clinking against the glass skittered across my inflamed senses.

'I need to be inside you, Eva,' he whispered roughly. 'I'm aching for you.'"

Strained though her brain is at the moment, Eva manages to remember that he bought her the drink she'd been downing all night without asking her what she'd been drinking, and thinks it's weird. She asks him how he knew her drink and Cary's name (yeah he knew who he was too, I just didn't think it was important enough to write about), and the conversation just falls apart from there.

"'You visited another of my clubs earlier. Your credit card popped and your drinks were recorded. And Cary Taylor is listed on the rental agreement for your apartment.'

The room spun. No way . . . My cell phone. My credit card. My fucking apartment. I couldn't breath. Between my mother and Gideon, I felt claustrophobic.

'Eva. Jesus. You're white as a ghost.' He shoved a glass into my hand. 'Drink.'

It was the Stoli and cranberry. I pounded it, draining the tumbler. My stomach churned for a moment, then settled. 'You own the building I live in?' I gasped.

'Oddly enough, yes.'" -- fucking seriously?

"'Is that why you're here in this club right now? Because of me? And don't say what you think I want to hear.'

His gaze was clear and steady. 'I'm here for you, yes. I arranged it.'

Suddenly the threads the street hawker had been wearing made sense. We'd been hustled by someone on Cross Industries' payroll. 'Did you figure that getting me here would get you laid?'

His mouth twitched with suppressed amusement. 'There's always the hope, but I expected it would take more work than a chance meeting over drinks.'

'You're right. So why do it? Why not wait until Monday lunch?'

'Because you're out trolling. I can't do anything about B.O.B., but I can stop you from picking up some asshole in a bar. You want to score, Eva, I'm right here.'" -- Is this supposed to be endearing? Am I honestly supposed to swoon over a petulant manchild literally declaring IF I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU THEN YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE! 

They spend the rest of the evening, believe it or not, literally negotiating the terms of their inevitable sexual adventures. She needs more than an 'emotionless transaction,' and he cannot even begin to understand why. They decide that, occasionally, when they're not having sex, they'll spend time together not having sex, and Eva promises she won't ever think it's a date, so I guess that's their sex life sorted for the foreseeable future.

"Duffy began begging for mercy, her voice drifting up from the dance floor below. An unwelcome ache developed in my chest and I rubbed at it. 

I'd already had enough, but I heard myself saying, 'I need another drink.'" -- Don't we all, Eva.

Bared to You: Chapter 3

When we last saw Eva, she was telling Cary that she wanted to check out the Krav Maga classes in Brooklyn. She's decided they should go check out the class offered by that one dude at the gym in chapter one.
"'There's no way your mom and Stanton are going to let you come out here at night multiple times a week,' Cary said, hugging his stylish denim jacket around him even though it wasn't more than slightly chilly." -- Am I supposed to believe that this woman has moved away from her parents, has her own apartment (albeit probably on mommy and daddy's dime), and somehow they're still telling her where she can and cannot go? Is it hard to write a protagonist who and think and act for herself? 

She asks Cary why he thinks Stanton will find out, since she's not going to tell him or her mother about her new found interest.
"'She won't understand. She'll think I want to protect myself because of what happened, and she'll feel guilty and give me grief about it. She won't believe my main interest is exercise and stress relief.'" -- Right, so here's the thing. Even if your main interest was self-defence, why on earth would any parent on the planet have a problem with that? I'm only guessing (but I'm a pretty good guesser), but soon there's going to be a reveal of sexual assault in Eva's past, and if that's the case (and it will be), why would learning to defend herself be seen as anything other than empowering? 

The next day at work, Eva is whining internally about having to spend the whole weekend away from Gideon Cross. Mark is going over something businessy with her when the phone rings. It's Stanton (Richard?? I don't fucking know, she calls him both. Richard Stanton? Stanton Richard? Is it a double-barrelled first name???? I NEED ANSWERS). He wants to have lunch, and Mark is nice enough to give her 2 hours. Stanton-Richard joins her shortly after she arrives, and and they start to eat.

"'Eva love, I wanted to discuss your interest in Krav Maga.'

I froze. 'Excuse me?'

Stanton took a sip of iced water and leaned back, his jaw taking on the rigidity that warned me I wouldn't like what he was about to say. 

'Your mother was quite distraught last night when you went to that studio in Brooklyn. It took some time to calm her down and to assure her that I could make arrangements for you to pursue your interests in a safe manner. She doesn't want —'

'Wait.' I set my fork down carefully, my appetite gone. 'How did she know where I was?'

'She tracked your cell phone.'

..........

'She has to let it go. I've let it go.'

'You were an innocent, Eva. She feels guilty for not protecting you. We need to give her a little latitude.'" -- What the actual fuck. Also, "you were an innocent"???? Do people really talk like that?

Richard-Stanton goes on to say that he's arranged for a driver to take her to and from Brooklyn whenever she needs to go - it will be more convenient and safer I guess. Eva is rightfully upset and tells him he's enabling her mother and keeping her sick and she needs to get back to work. She leaves her phone with the receptionist and meets Clancy (Stanton-Richard's driver) in the lobby. On her ride home, she thinks of her mother, who is 'so emotional and fragile'. Thank goodness she has a big strong man to take care of her. 

On her way back to work, she stopped at a corner store and bought a bunch of chocolate, which might be the most relatable thing she's done yet. She gets into an empty elevator at work and shovels the first one into her mouth in frustration. She was just enjoying 'the comfort of dark chocolate and caramel melting over [her] tongue,' when the elevator doors opened on the fourth floor to none other than Gideon Cross. Cue shock. Cue awe.

I hope you enjoy laughing at this. It might be the last time you smile in this chapter.

Gideon gets into the elevator with her, and she decides that it would be 'safer for her sanity' if she stepped out and took a different car up. Instead, Cross grabs her by the elbow and drags her back into the elevator. He overrides the car with a key and it begins its ascent to the top floor. 

"'I'm not in the mood for you now, Mr. Cross.'

He watched the antique-style needle above the doors mark the passing floors. 'I can get you in the mood.'

'I'm not interested.'

Cross glanced over his shoulder at me. His shirt and tie were both the same rich cerulean as his irises. The effect was striking. 'No lies, Eva. Ever.'

'That's not a lie. So what if I'm attracted to you? I expect most women are.' Wrapping up what was left of my candy bar, I shoved it back into the shopping bag I'd tucked into my purse. I didn't need chocolate when I was sharing air with Gideon Cross. 'But I'm not interested in doing anything about it.'" -- In case anyone is curious, that literally 4 times in 119 words that she denies his advance. Four. Times.

"'Call me crazy, but I have to actually like someone before I get naked and sweaty with him.'

'Not crazy,' he said. 'But I don't have the time or the inclination to date.'

'That makes two of us. Glad we got that cleared up.'

He stepped closer, his hand lifting to my face. I forced myself not to move away or give him the satisfaction of seeing me intimidated. His thumb brushed over the corner of my mouth, then lifted to his own. He sucked on the pad and purred, 'Chocolate and you. Delicious.'" -- See, this. This is where that Krav Maga might come in fucking handy.

He tells her that romance isn't in his repertoire - how original - but 'a thousand ways to make [her] come are.' Ew. When the elevator stops, she 'backed into the corner and shooed him out with a flick of [her] wrist. "I'm really not interested."' Instead of leaving her to go back to work, he grabs her elbow again and steers her out of the elevator. They're walking to his office and he tells his receptionist to hold all of his calls.

'"I have to go back to work.'

'And I have a meeting at two. The sooner we work this out, the sooner we can both get back to business. Now, sit down.'

'What do you think we're going to work out?'

Sighing, he scooped me up like a bride and carried me over to the sofa. He dropped me on my butt, then sat next to me. 'Your objections. It's time to discuss what it's going to take to get you beneath me.'

'A miracle.' I pushed back from him, widening the space between us. I tugged at the hem of my emerald green skirt, wishing I'd worn pants instead. 'I find your approach crude and offensive.'"

"I pushed myself to my feet and backed out of his reach. 'Casual sex doesn't have to include wine and roses, but for God's sake, whatever else it is, sex should be personal. Friendly even. With mutual respect at the very least.'

His humor fled as he stood, his eyes darkening. 'There are no mixed signals in my private affairs. You want me to blur that line. I can't think of a good reason to.'

'I don't want you to do jack shit, besides let me get back to work.' I strode to the door and yanked on the handle, cursing softly when it didn't budge. 'Let me out, Cross.'

I felt him come up behind me. His palms pressed flat to the glass on either side of my shoulders, caging me in. I couldn't think of my own self-preservation when he was so close."

(If you've not been keeping count, that's 12 times now in a page and a half that she's told him some form of no. Twelve.)

THIS. IS. NOT. SEXY.

Except apparently it is. Cross requests that she turn and face him to say goodbye, as he's decided she's not worth the effort. How sweet. She turns and he tells her to kiss him. Somehow this is something she wants to do, so they kiss. A lot. He carries her over to the couch and they're all hands and tongues and she's basically ready to fuck him in his office on her lunch break. 

"'Jesus, Eva.' A low rumble vibrated in his chest, the primitive sound sending goose bumps racing across my skin. 'Your boss is damned lucky he's gay.'" 

The chapter ends with them just about to finally capitalise on 44 whole pages of lust when Gideon jumps to his feet.

"Abruptly, he yanked himself away, stumbling to his feet.

I lay there gasping and wet, so willing and ready. Then I realized why he'd reacted so fiercely.

Someone was behind him."

*spoiler alert, it's just the speaker on his office phone.

Bared to You: Chapter 2

'His tie was silver and his shirt brilliantly white, the stark absence of color emphasizing those amazing blue irises. As he stood there with his jacket open and his hands shoved casually into his pants pockets, the sight of him was like running smack into a wall I hadn't known was there.' 

She nearly misses the elevator while contemplating the texture of his hair, which for whatever reason is described as 'like whipped cream topping on a hot-fudge brownie sundae.' Being the gentleman that he is, this as yet nameless, long-haired mystery pushes the button to re-open the doors, stating that there's plenty of room for both of them. She contemplates telling him that she's waiting for someone, but then realises that since he's been in the building two days in a row now, he probably works there and it's unlikely she can avoid him forever.

'I couldn't avoid him every time I saw him, and why should I? If I wanted to get to the point where I could look at him and take his hotness for granted, I needed to see him often enough that he became like furniture.' 

She gets into the elevator and immediately regrets her decision. The tension is palpable, and her breathing becomes ragged. You'd think this would be pretty noticeable in a small enclosed space with only one other person, but maybe its got really loud machinery. He asks if she enjoyed her first day, and she answers coldly, which he doesn't really deserve at this point in the story. Finally, though, it's time to leave the elevator.

'I waited impatiently as the elevator emptied, and the first chance I got, I took a step forward. His hand settled firmly at the small of my back and he walked out beside me, steering me. The sensation of his touch on such a vulnerable place rippled through me.' -- Well it would, wouldn't it? Since you're obviously at least colleagues, but basically strangers, and his hand has absolutely no business being anywhere on your body at this moment. Is it too much for me to hope you smack him in the next paragraph?

'We reached the turnstiles and his hand fell away, leaving me feeling oddly bereft.' -- Yep, guess so.

The next morning, Eva arrives at work with a mild hangover, because she went out drinking with Cary the night before.

'My choices were either too much alcohol or a whirl with my vibrator, and I was damned if I'd have a battery-powered orgasm starring Dark and Dangerous. Not that he'd know or even care that he made me so horny I couldn't see straight, but I'd know, and I didn't want to give the fantasy of him the satisfaction.' -- What.

When her boss, Mark, arrives, he's very excited and asks if she can work late. They've received a request for a proposal to do the marketing for some vodka brand, and apparently he's been asked for by name. She agrees, and they spend the whole day working. A little after 7pm, Mark's boyfriend (husband? it's not really clear) calls and asks if they've eaten yet. They haven't, so Steve, being the gem that he is, brings Chinese. They eat, and Steve tries a bit of banter with Eva.

'"Damn, girl," Steven said with a whistle, as I went for a third helping. "You can put it away. Where does it go?"

I shrugged. "To the gym with me. Maybe that helps . . .?"

.......

"I might have to take her out to lunch with the crew. I could win money betting on how much she can eat."

I smiled. "That could be fun."

"Ha. I knew you had a bit of a wild streak. It's in your smile."

Looking down at my food, I refused to let my mind wander into memories of just how wild I'd been in my rebellious, self-destructive phase.' -- I mean, aside from the painfully sloppy foreshadowing, is her ability to eat large quantities of food really indicative of her having a 'wild streak'? Man, would he be impressed with what I can do to a pizza.

The next day, they work tirelessly on their proposal to get it ready in time for their 4 o'clock meeting. They go up to the very top floor of the building, walk into the conference room, and somehow, we're supposed to be surprised at who they find sitting at the table.

'My abrupt stop bottlenecked the threshold and Mark ran into my back, sending me stumbling forward. Dark and Dangerous caught me by the waist, hauling me off my feet and directly into his chest. The air left my lungs in a rush, followed immediately by every bit of common sense I possessed. Even through the layers of clothing between us, his biceps were like stone beneath my palms, his stomach a hard slab of muscle against my own. When he sucked in a sharp breath, my nipples tightened, stimulated by the expansion of his chest.' -- YOU. ARE. AT. WORK. Keep your shit together, for fuck sake. Also, are you expecting me to believe that in a room full of people, no one found it weird that instead of helpfully keeping you standing, he lifted you off the ground and pulled you against his body? Really?

The meeting goes well, and Cross (we've now learned Dark and Dangerous's last name) escorts Eva and her boss to the elevator. He lets Mark get in, but tells Eva he'd like a word.

'Cross said nothing until the car was on its way down; then he pushed the call button again and asked, "Are you sleeping with anyone?"

The question was asked so casually, it took a second to process what he'd said.

I inhaled sharply. "Why is that any business of yours?" 

.....

"Because I want to fuck you, Eva. I need to know what's standing in my way, if anything."' -- Well. I mean. Consent, for one thing. 

The elevator arrives and she takes it downstairs. Her boss is naturally concerned, but she doesn't tell him anything. She suggests he celebrate the meeting going well, and makes reservations for him and Steve at a restaurant. 

Once home, Eva relays the exchange to Cary, who seems way too eager for her to take Cross up on his offer. He says Cross wasn't giving her boss the vodka account on accident, but wants to get close to her. He then shows her a picture of her building and announces that Gideon Cross owns it - at an incredible 28 years old. So now Dark and Dangerous has not just a last name, but also a first name, an age, and a building. The problem is that Eva doesn't really want to sleep with him at the moment because it would be awkward seeing him at work, and she's irritated at the way he put himself out there. She's more than a vagina with legs, guys. 

'He shut his netbook with a decisive snap. 'What should we do tonight?'

'I was thinking I'd like to go check out that Krav Maga studio in Brooklyn.' I'd done a little research after meeting Parker Smith during my workout at Equinox, and as the week passed, the thought of having that kind of raw, physical outlet for stress seemed more and more ideal.

I knew it wouldn't be anything close to banging the hell out of Gideon Cross, but I suspected it would be a lot less dangerous to my health."

If You Liked Fifty Shades....

... then you're going to LOVE what I have in store for you next. As I was perusing the shelves of used books at a charity shop in Helensburgh today, I stumbled across Bared to You, a Fifty Shades ripoff spawned by Sylvia Day. It was in that shop, with my dear husband, mortified that I was actually going to present this book to the cashier and pay real money for it, that I decided this would be my next blogging adventure. Below, I have provided the printed synopsis of the book as a sort of disclaimer: read on at your own risk. 

Gideon Cross came into my life like lightning in the darkness - beautiful and brilliant, jagged and white hot. I was drawn to him as I'd never been to anything or anyone in my life. I craved his touch like a drug, even knowing it would weaken me. I was flawed and damaged, and he opened those cracks in me so easily… 

Gideon knew. He had demons of his own. And we would become the mirrors that reflected each other's most private wounds… and desires. 

The bonds of his love transformed me, even as I prayed that the torment of our pasts didn't tear us apart…

Our journey begins in Manhattan with Eva Tramell and her roommate (boyfriend?) Cary Taylor. Eva has just landed a new job and Cary wants to go celebrate with some wine, but Eva needs to walk to work and then go to the gym, which will apparently take the entire day. Careful not to over-exert herself before the workout begins, Eva takes the elevator to the ground floor of her apartment building.

'In my dreams, I'd imagined living in a walkup in Brooklyn, but being a dutiful daughter, I found myself on the Upper West Side instead. If not for Cary living with me, I would've been miserably lonely in the sprawling apartment that cost more per month than most people made in a year.' -- There's quite a lot to unpack here. First, why do your parents need you to live on the Upper West Side? Do they live there? Are they paying your rent? Are they afraid of Brooklyn? Second, a teensy tiny bit of research (literally 2 Google searches here, people) will tell you that the median household income in 2012, when your book was published, for the Upper West Side was $93,258*. The median household income for the entirety of New York City in that year was $50,711**. Today, right this minute, 2-bedroom apartments in the Upper West Side are on the market for $3,000 - $7,000 per month***. Even if we account for two incomes in a household - let's say hypothetically, that the two adults make $25,355 a year each- please. Please, explain to me how you expect me to believe that your previously unemployed protagonist is living in an apartment that somehow amounts to somewhere between $304,266 and $608,532 a year****. 

*https://project.wnyc.org/median-income-nabes/

**https://project.wnyc.org/median-income-nabes/

***https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_rent/Upper-West-Side-Manhattan-New-York-NY/apartment_duplex_type/270958_rid/2-_beds/40.807702,-73.940778,40.766436,-74.014593_rect/13_zm/

****25,355 and 50,711 multiplied by 12, respectively

She leaves her house and contemplates life in the city. She moved from San Diego, a city probably built from sticks and mud and traversed by horse-drawn carriages, and is amazed that technology exists.

'I was in awe of the lumbering garbage trucks that navigated tiny one-way streets and the package delivery drivers who braved the bumper-to-bumper traffic while facing rigid deadlines.'

As she walks to work, she contemplates how she ended up here. She's determined to make a living 'on her own merits,' and so will be starting an entry-level job. It's clear she values responsibility and adulthood, demonstrated by the fact that her father is paying her student loans (and probably her rent too), and apparently insists on doing so. 

'I pulled my new ID card out of the inner pocket of my pants and held it up for the two guards in black business suits at the desk. They stopped me anyway, no doubt because I was majorly underdressed, but then they cleared me through. After I completed an elevator ride up to the twentieth floor, I'd have a general time frame for the whole route from door to door. Score.'

On her way to the elevators, she falls flat on her ass and finally comes face to face with the man I assume she's going to be seeing a lot of in the next 5 (yes, FIVE) books.

'Inky black hair framed a breathtaking face. His bone structure would make a sculptor weep with joy while a firmly etched mouth, a blade of a nose, and intensely blue eyes made him savagely gorgeous.

........

"Are you all right?"

His voice was cultured and smooth, with a rasp that made my stomach flutter. It brought sex to mind. Extraordinary sex. I thought for a moment that he might be able to make me orgasm just by talking long enough.'

She goes home and Cary has some bizarre form of spaghetti waiting for her ('tiny tubes of salad noodles covered in a skimpy tomato sauce with lumps of ground beef and peas'). She relays her experience with the man she has dubbed "Dark and Dangerous" over dinner and wine. Cary was horrified to learn she hadn't flirted with the stranger, and conversation turned to his modelling career. Maybe that's how they afford such a grand apartment.

Eva's first day of work went the way most first days of work go - introductions, tours, generally taking it easy. She'd not had another run-in with Dark and Dangerous all day, but then it was time to go home.

'When I reached the bank of elevators, I pulled out my cell to text a quick "On my way" note to Cary. A ding alerted me to which car was stopping on my floor and I moved over to stand in front of it, briefly returning my attention to hitting the send button. When the doors opened, I took a step forward. I glanced up to watch where I was going and blue eyes met mine. My breath caught.

The sex god was the lone occupant.'

A New Beginning: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1

Welcome to the first instalment of Fifty Shades Darker, the second in ELJ's attempted-bdsm-but-really-got-all-her-info-from-Wikipedia-and-inadvertently-wrote-one-of-the-most-mainstream-abusive-relationships-but-still-tries-to-pass-it-off-as-erotica trilogy.

The book opens bizarrely with a page of prologue written from Christian's perspective - clearly foreshadowing to her future publishing endeavours. Christian is dreaming of his mother being beaten with a belt (like father (or random male figure) like son, I guess), and wakes up frightened. His nightmares are back, which probably has something to do with Ana leaving. I don't know why this is important.

Ana has survived "Day Three Post-Christian" and has started her new job. Her boss is a guy called Jack Hyde, and I can't figure out if that's just ELJ's way of trying to hint that maybe he'll be a Jekyll-and-Hyde-type-character (spoilers) or if I'm giving her waaaay too much credit. Ana finishes her first day unremarkably and ponders as she returns home.

"The apartment is empty. I miss Kate, and I imagine her lying on a beach in Barbados sipping a cool cocktail. I turn on the flat-screen television so there's noise to fill the vacuum and provide some semblance of company, but I don't listen or watch. I sit and stare blankly at the brick wall. I am numb. I feel nothing but the pain. How long must I endure this?" -- I mean... probably at least until you realise that being numb and feeling pain are two totally separate things?

"And so a pattern develops: wake, work, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can't even escape him in my dreams. Gray burning eyes, his lost look, his hair burnished and bright all haunt me. And the music . . . so much music - I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.

I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don't have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want non of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that's me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that's it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further - and I have nothing left to break."

Then, one day, after surviving for an entire 3 days and 4 nights on coffee and diet coke (her words, not mine), she receives an email at work. It's from Christian, asking if she got the flowers he sent her as a congratulations for starting her job - which is a shitty thing to do if she just dumped you for beating her but fine. He then offers to drive her to Jose's gallery opening in Portland which, again, feels like a dick move. Immediately after reading the email she starts to cry and runs to the bathroom. While there she realises that she's not heard from anyone because she's been having all of her calls forwarded to the BlackBerry that Christian gave her and that she gave back, so he's been randomly getting all of them. She wonders for a while how he got her email address and decides that if he got her shoe size, there's no hiding anything from him, so this is completely normal. She responds to his email that she'd appreciate a ride, calls Jose to find out what time she should be there, and emails Christian again with this information. That night, she has a restless sleep.

"The day drags and drags and Jack is unusually attentive. I suspect it's due to Kate's plum dress and the black high-heeled boots I've stolen from her closet, but I don't dwell on the thought. I resolve to go clothes shopping with my first paycheck. The dress is looser on me than it was, but I pretend not to notice." -- Not sure if I should start with the obviously creepy boss or the fact that she's been starving herself, but this whole thing is fucked up. Also??? If Ana is supposed to be so plain and unassuming, why does it feel like every man in every city she happens to visit wants to bang her?

It's 5:30, and Ana leaves work after being awkwardly ushered out by her creepy new boss. Taylor is waiting and she gets into the car to find Christian. He's angry because she's lost weight and even though she left him, this is still his business. They arrive at Christian's building and get into the elevator to make their way to his helicopter. The sexual tension is palpable.

"'Please don't bite your lip, Anastasia,' he whispers.

I gaze up at him, releasing my lip. I want him. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not?

'You know what it does to me,' he murmurs.

Oh, I still affect him." -- IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS OF COURSE YOU STILL AFFECT HIM YOU DOORKNOB HE DIDN'T DUMP YOU BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU WERE UNATTRACTIVE YOU CRAZY PERSON, YOU LEFT HIM - ps he still wants to smack you around so maybe it was for the best

They get into the helicopter and begin their flight to Portland. In the car on the way to the opening, Christian tells Ana that she's lost weight and that's a no-no because he wants her back. Conveniently, this admission comes as they pull up to the gallery, so Christian tells her they'll talk about it later. Ana recognises that the area is too public for this conversation (after all, he'd probably get arrested for hitting her in public), and decides to let it go. Christian takes her hand - I don't know why that's okay - and leads her into the gallery.

Christian goes off to get drinks and Jose spots Ana.

"'How did you get here?' he asks.

'Christian brought me,' I say, suddenly apprehensive.

'Oh.' Jose's face falls and he releases me. 'Where is he?' His expression darkens.

'Over there, fetching drinks.' I nod in Christian's direction and notice that he's exchanging pleasantries with someone waiting in line. Christian glances up and our eyes lock. And in that brief moment, I'm paralyzed, staring at the impossibly handsome man who gazes at me with some unfathomable emotion. His gaze hot, burning into me, and we're lost for a moment staring at each other. 

Holy cow . . . This beautiful man wants me back, and deep down inside me sweet joy slowly unfurls like a morning glory in the early dawn." -- what the actual fuck

There are lots of photos at the show, and it turns out Jose is super talented. Then they turn a corner and come face to face with seven portraits of Ana. She's mortified and Christian buys them all because he 'doesn't want strangers ogling her in the privacy of their home.' The photos change the tone of the evening from fun to serious when Christian remarks that he never sees her as relaxed as she is in the portraits and we as readers realise that he's literally the only person who doesn't understand why. 

Christian decides it's time to leave even though they haven't even been there an hour, and Ana says goodbye to Jose. Knowing it will make Christian jealous, she wraps her arms around Jose's neck. Christian glares at her and nearly drags her out of the gallery. Once outside, he pulls her into an alley and pushes her against a wall, which seems safe and totally like something she should be okay with.

They kiss a lot, and Ana has desire exploding within her "like the Fourth of July." 

"'You. Are. Mine,' he snarls, emphasizing each word. (except she's not, but go on) He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he's run a marathon. 'For the love of God, Ana.'

I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium. 

'I'm sorry,' I whisper once my breath has returned.

'You should be. I know what you were doing. Do you want the photographer, Anastasia? He obviously has feelings for you.'

I shake my head, guiltily. 'No. He's just a friend.'

'I have spent all my adult life trying to avoid any extreme emotion. Yet you . . . you bring out feelings in me that are completely alien. It's very . . . ' He frowns, grasping for the word. 'Unsettling.'

'I like control, Ana, and around you that just' - he stands, his gaze intense - 'evaporates.'" -- except it doesn't?? at all?????? that's why you dragged her away from her friend's big night?????? because you want to control her. you walnut.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 25 and 26: THE END

THE END IS HEREEEEE

Well, kind of. This will be the final post for Fifty Shades of Grey, but fear not! Fifty Shades Darker will commence in due time (probably tomorrow). Here we go!

Chapter 25

Ana leaves Georgia after a teary goodbye at the airport. She emails Christian on the plane and is concerned about the tone of his responses - clearly his "situation" isn't going well. As she relaxes into her first class accommodation, a thought strikes her. 

"I become aware that once again the only empty seat is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn't talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous - no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely." -- uhhh, have you met him?

Taylor picks Ana up from SeaTac and drives her back to Christian's place. She asks that he play soothing music on the way because she's nervous that she'll find Christian in a less than welcoming mood. 

"My inner goddess is hopeful for one type of mood; my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves." -- how many personalities can she have before it's a diagnosable condition?

She enters Christian's foyer, and it takes about a paragraph before they're naked. After, Ana tells him she has a job.

"'Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?' he teases.

'You don't know?'

He shakes his head, frowning. 'Why would I know?'

'With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have . . .' I trail off as his face falls.

'Anastasia, I wouldn't dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.' He looks wounded." -- what a manipulative fuck.

They have sex again, and eat dinner. Once dinner is over, Christian tells her he wants her in his playroom in 15 minutes for MORE SEX. Kneeling in just her underwear, Ana contemplates Christian.

"The man is insatiable, or maybe all men are like him. I have no idea, no one to compare him to. Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She's there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess." -- We're up to four separate entities now, in case anyone was keeping track.

Christian walks in, and Ana's many personalities are excited.

"He's naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone. Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm." -- What about your inner sub?? How's she feeling? Inquiring minds want to know!

Christian walks to a chest and removes items from it. It takes all of her self control not to look, and soon he's standing in front of her.

"When he finishes what he's doing, he comes to stand in front of me. I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of them . . . run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes. Holy shit." 

He tells Ana to stand and asks her to tell him what the safe words are - I guess they'll be important later. She's bizarrely offended at him asking.

"And I can't help it . . . I raise my eyebrow at him and am about to remind him of my GPA, but the sudden frosty glint in his icy gray eyes stops me in my tracks." -- Does ELJ even know what GPAs measure? Like.... this is the equivalent of being asked if you remembered to take the garbage out and responding with, "Please. I had a 4.0 GPA." No one cares about your GPA. It's a pretty useless statistic and I can't think of a situation where it is MORE useless than in the middle of sex. Christian isn't going to get off on descriptions of your transcripts. No one uses their first B as dirty talk. I hate you.

They have sex for the next 8 pages. Christian has tied her at the wrists and ankles to the bed, blindfolded her, and given her headphones through which loud "ancient hymnal" music is playing. She can neither see him, hear him, nor physically fight him off and I just don't think I'm at the stage in this relationship where I'm willing accept this level of trust. As you'd expect, Christian expertly tailors the carnal experience to the rise and fall of the music, and Ana's consciousness abandons her (no seriously, "As my consciousness returns from wherever it's been...."). 

Chapter 26

We begin this chapter with Ana waking up suddenly in the night.

"Something has woken me, some nagging thought. I glance over at the alarm clock on his bedside. It is five in the morning, but I feel rested. Why is that? Oh - it's the time difference - it would be eight a.m. in Georgia. Holy crap . . . I need to take my pill." -- You were in Georgia for like 3 days???????? Also what the fuck happened to the alarm on your phone that reminds you to take your pill? Was that just there so you could blush over having to discuss contraception with the guy you're fucking?

She hears music and wanders out into the "great room" to find Christian playing the piano. It's sad and he looks troubled. Ana walks over and sits on the piano stool with him. He wants to have sex (again), but she wants to talk. She brings up that she still hasn't signed the contract (this book literally has 18 pages left but whatever), and he tells her he thinks the contract is basically moot at this point. He wanted her to sign the contract before more happened, but now that it has, he just wants her to follow the rules on her own volition... and if she doesn't, he'll still smack her around. So. I'm not totally sure what exactly has changed, but okay.

"'And if I break one of the Rules?'

'Then I'll punish you.'

'But won't you need my permission?'

'Yes, I will.'

'And if I say no?'

He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.

'If you say no, you'll say no. I'll have to find a way to persuade you.'" -- *screams from the rooftops NO DOES NOT MEAN PERSUADE MEEEEEEE*

She tells Christian she needs to read the rules again, so he goes and gets them for her. She is amused to be told that "the obedience thing still stands", and rolls her eyes at him. This is a problem because he's told her a few times now that when she does that, he wants to hit her. So she runs from him. She tries turning it into a game of cat and mouse, but it doesn't really work.

"'Anyone would think you didn't want me to catch you.'

'I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.'

His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I've slapped him. He's ashen.

........

'You hate it that much?' he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.

'Well . . . no,' I reassure him. Jeez - that's how he feels about people touching him? 'No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it.'" -- then you obviously don't feel the same way about punishment that he does about being touched. 

He tells her that he won't tell her why he wants to hurt her so much - there is a reason, but he's afraid she'd leave him if she knew. Not gonna lie, I feel like he'd have a better shot at keeping her if he just told her instead of actually hitting her on the next page, but hey, what do I know? Ana tells him she wants to know how bad the punishment can be and then they'll both find out whether she can handle it or not. He spends the next page beating her with a belt. Unsurprisingly, Ana is not pleased when the ordeal is over.

"'Don't touch me!' I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he's watching me as if I might bolt, eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him. 

'This is what you really like? Me, like this?' I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.

He gazes at me warily.

'Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.'" -- he's only been telling you that for like 500 pages but sure, we'll all pretend you figured it out on your own. 

She goes to her room and cries on her bed. Soon, she's joined by Christian. He asks her not to hate him, and she tells him she's fallen in love with him. He's horrified. He tells her it's wrong for her to love him, so she says she should go since there's no longer a reason for her to stay. She showers, gets dressed, packs her things, and leaves Christian the electronics he'd given her. Taylor tells her he'll get the car to take her home and she cries on the way there. Once home, she goes to her room and continues to cry.

"Grief. This is grief - and I've brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lips contorted in a snarl . . . the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor's handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief."

Well, that was exhausting. The blog will continue with Fifty Shades Darker very soon.