Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 22

After being super bitchy about being upgraded to first class, it turns out Ana doesn't really mind being pampered. She comments on the fact that the first class lounge has 'many redeeming features', which is good, because otherwise what the hell are you paying thousands of dollars for?
"With each sip of Moet, I feel slightly more inclined to forgive Christian and his intervention. I open up my MacBook, hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet." -- .... is that the theory? I mean, assuming you've charged it, I can't imagine why it wouldn't work... oh, you were talking about the internet. Interesting. Because THAT certainly does not work anywhere on the planet. BUT IT PROBABLY FUCKING DOES IN A FIRST CLASS LOUNGE. Also, you're able to test a theory without succeeding. So. That you *hope* to test the theory is irrelevant. It will be tested whether you like it or not.

The beginning of this chapter is largely reliant on various emails exchanged between Ana and Christian, so I'll simply summarise . She sends an email to Christian, explaining that she's alarmed he knew what flight she was on, and thanking him for the upgrade. She also mentions she's had a massage, which was a stupid thing to do. He emails back, asking who was massaging her. She decides to be a super bitch about it and tells hims "a very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed.". Christian is furious and responds, but not before ELJ forces Ana to make yet another ridiculous comment.
"Serves him right. If I'd been in the ordinary departure lounge (this is literally called the gate. ordinary people don't get *lounges*), then Jean-Paul wouldn't have gotten his hands on me. He was a very nice young man, in a blond, perma-tanned way - honestly, who has a tan in Seattle? It's just so wrong." -- except that if Jean-Paul is French, as his name suggests, it's likely that he can't fucking help the tan, whether he's from Seattle or not. Maybe that's just his skin. Also, even if he's normally white as a sheet, why is that any of your business? LOTS of people in Seattle have tans. Particularly in June. Contrary to what ELJ seems to think, Seattle doesn't exist in perpetual darkness.

Anyway, back to the emails. Ana checks her phone as the plane is taxiing, which we all know you're not supposed to do. Christian's newest email is furious, and he tells her that the next time she deliberately winds him up, she'll "be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate." I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's like... suuuuuuper illegal. She responds and apologises, and he chastises her for "risking the life of everyone on board, including herself". Relax, dude. The pilot isn't going to lose the runway. They're still on the ground.

The emails stop and Ana goes to sleep. Once in the Atlanta airport, she decides to write a long email to Christian. Lots of topics are covered, including: how she doesn't like it when he spends money on her (it makes her feel like a prostitute); Jean-Paul is gay (surprise!); the crate comment scared her; she's caught up in everything but then he writes things like that and she wants "to run screaming into the hills"; she won't run screaming into the hills because she would miss him; she's scared of the dark path he's leading her down; she's scared he'll hurt her; she wants to be with him but she doesn't know how to be submissive but she'll try; she's happy he'll try too; she's worried that if she can't be submissive, he'll beat the shit out of her (accurate); he dazzles her when they're together, which is why she's going to Georgia.

It's beginning to seem like their entire relationship is based on her being afraid of Christian. Healthy. Anyway, she arrives in Savannah, and is greeted by her mother and Bob. She hugs her mom and bursts into tears, which is totally not suggestive of her deteriorating mental state. Bob offers to take her backpack but quickly regrets it because it appears her Mac is literally an entire desktop and not the tiny 3-pound laptops they've been making forever.

They go to the beach, and Ana's mom tries to get information on Christian. Obviously Ana has signed a non-disclosure agreement so she can't talk about him in any great detail, but also, I don't think the conversation would be cheerful for long if she came out and said she's managed to get herself into an overwhelmingly suffocating and abusive relationship in the span of 2 weeks. She tells her mom that he's gorgeous and a little difficult and her mom delivers some sage advice.

"'Men aren't really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they've said, when really it's obvious. If I were you, I'd take him literally. That might help.'

I gape at her. This sounds like good advice. Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the thing's he's said spring into my mind.

I don't want to lose you . . . 

You've bewitched me . . . 

You've completely beguiled me . . . 

I'll miss you, too . . . more than you know . . ." -- I mean, sure. It's probably true that he meant all of this stuff. But on the other hand, didn't he just threaten to tie you up and throw you into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane? Let's not pick and choose the things we get to take literally here. He isn't The Bible. 

Ana's mom continues to give her generic advice, and they go for lunch. Back home, Ana settles in to the house.

"My mother has disappeared to mold some candles or whatever she does with them, and Bob is at work, so I have time to catch up on some sleep. I open the Mac and fire it up." -- I don't know if anyone's told you this, but that's pretty much the opposite of sleep.

There's an email from Christian and it's super long, so I'll again attempt to summarise. He's annoyed that she doesn't communicate her feelings to his face, but needs to send an email to explain how she's feeling. He's annoyed that she's annoyed that he spends money on her. He's annoyed that she feels like a prostitute because he definitely doesn't see her that way. He considers making her an appointment with his therapist to sort out her self-esteem issues. He's annoyed that she thought he was serious about throwing her, bound and gagged, into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane - obviously he'd never put her in a crate. He "reminds" her (though he's never mentioned this before) that in their relationship, it's the sub who has all the power because she holds the safe words and he can't touch her if she says no... which isn't totally true, but we've been over that. He's caught in her spell. He totally tried to stay away from her. Totally. 100%. He wants her to be honest with him. Because honesty is important. Which is why he definitely told her about his surprise trip to Georgia. Oh wait.  He will try to give her the space she needs and stay away from her while she's in Georgia. What an incredible lie.

Ana gets all sappy about the email - he really has a way with words - and admits for the first time in print that she loves him. 

Waking up from her nap and getting ready to go to dinner, Ana checks her email. There's nothing new from Christian, so she emails him to tell him she's going to dinner and that she misses him. There are a lot of emails back and forth here, and I'm just going to give you the subject lines because really, that's more than any of us need.

- Verbose?

- Your Behind

- Eye Rolling

- Your Behind 

- Chastising . . . Me?

- Your Behind (I feel like Christian has a very specific subject on his mind.)

- NC-17

- Careful what you wish for . . . 

- Panting

- Groaning

- Moaning

- Moaning

Ana runs downstairs and her mother asks if she's alright. She looks flushed. Because email subject lines are super hot, man. Her mom inquires about her dress (it's Kate's), and she's panicked for an answer. Apparently "I borrowed it" just isn't convincing enough. 

They get back from dinner, which I assume was uneventful because ELJ didn't actually write anything, and Ana takes a shower. While "cooling off under the lukewarm water" (a STUPID decision because you're just going to make yourself hotter), she considers her mother's love life and her sudden ability to give advice.

"Bob is a keeper. And she's giving me good advice. When did that start happening? Since I met Christian. Why is that?" -- I'm just gonna take a stab in the dark here, but probably because your judgement should be seriously questioned.

She emails with Christian for a while again, and he says he has to go as he's having dinner with an old friend. Dun DUn DUN! Ana is furiously jealous that he's probably having dinner with Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and she goes off on a long tirade about how she's a child molester and how they're probably having gross sex right in the restaurant as she thinks these thoughts. She's so upset about the imaginary scenarios she's created, that she jumps onto Google in search of any and all women with whom he's appeared in public. Finding only herself in photos with Christian, she sends a final email before going to bed asking if he had dinner with Mrs. Robinson.

"Part of me is desperate to know more, and another part wants to forget he ever told me. And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." -- Uhm. What? Do you have some kind of magic pill that stops your period? Because you're supposed to have a period on birth control. Like. You take the hormone pill for 3 weeks and then stop for a week specifically so this can happen. Granted this was written by the same woman who thinks a full gynaecological exam is required to be put on birth control, so why am I surprised?

The next day, Ana and her mother go to a bar in an upscale hotel. She's had 2 cosmos, her mother has had her third. Talk is on Ana's love life, and how she seems lost and confused, and how her mom thought she and Jose would get together. Her mother excuses herself to the bathroom, and Ana checks her phone to find a message from Christian confirming that he had dinner with Elena. She's angry and her scalp prickles in angry-ness.

"How could he? I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch." -- calm your tits, darling.

She responds to his email with some inflammatory remarks about Christian's old friend, and signals to the bartender that they'd like more drinks. Her mother turns away for a moment and she checks her email to find the following ridiculously creepy response.

"'This is not something I wish to discuss via e-mail.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?'

Holy fuck, he's here." 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 21

Apologies for my prolonged absence. Grad school happened, and I was forced to blog for a class which turned me off to this whole thing and then once I decided to start again, it was so much worse than I remembered it and well. This is the newest post, nearly 4 months in the making.

When we left Ana and Christian, Ana was just drifting off to sleep on a pillow of sloppy narration.
"And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old gray-eyed boy in a dark scary, miserable place." -- sure.

It's morning now, and Ana is reluctantly "succumbing to wakefulness". She's upset because the sun is shining in through the window, and sun was not what she had in mind when she decided to fall in love with a man from Seattle, dammit.

Sorry, Ana. You must be at least this cute to whine this much.

She lies in bed and ponders Christian's apartment. She considers the art he hangs, and the fact that it's so high up, and then frowns because none of that explains why she can't touch him. Because he's not allowed to just say 'no.' Good job, ELJ. At least you're treating them equally. She then considers how the apartment makes her feel. 

"I shudder to think what he went through as a small child, and I understand why he lives here, isolated, surrounded by beautiful, precious works of art - so far removed from where he started . . . mission statement indeed. I frown because it still doesn't explain why I can't touch him.

Ironically, I feel the same up here in his lofty tower. I'm adrift from reality. I'm in this fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend, when the grim reality is he wants a special arrangement, though he's said he'll try more. What does that actually mean? This is what I need to clarify between us to see if we are still at opposite ends on the seesaw or if we are inching closer together." -- I really hate you.

She gets out of bed to go in search of Christian, and finds she's sore. Guess she'll be needing that personal trainer after all. She runs into Mrs. Jones, Christian's housekeeper, and inquires as to his whereabouts. He's in his study. He's having a very important business call but blows it off as soon as he sees Ana. He also cancels all of his appointments for the morning and tells his secretary he won't be in until 2. As he hangs up the phone, Ana walks into the study. They kiss, and because ELJ really likes writing boring and inaccurate erotica, they have sex again - but this time it's different.

"This is not making love, this fucking - a I love it. I groan. It's so raw, so carnal, making me so wanton. I revel in his possession, his lust slaking mine. He moves with ease, luxuriating in me, enjoying me, his lips slightly parted as his breathing increases. He twists his hips from side to side, and the feeling is exquisite."

"And he picks up the pace, thrusting faster . . . harder . . . and my whole body is moving to his rhythm, and I can feel my legs stiffening, and my insides quivering and quickening." -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Sex ends in yet another incredible orgasm ("I cry out a wordless, passionate plea as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, back to a breathless, bright summit on Earth." - literally, what?), and Christian is beguiled.

"You completely beguile me, Ana. (see?) You weave some powerful magic." -- never mind that she's actually the most vapid woman walking this fictional planet. 

He asks her if she has to go to Georgia and she says yes, prompting a mood shift in Christian. He's be, as Ana so eloquently puts it, more weird than usual. He tells her he's surprised by her, that's all. I don't know why. And as Ana goes to have a shower, she is left to contemplate his strange reaction.

"He seemed confused. Why? I have to say as physical experiences go, that was very satisfying. But emotionally - well, I'm rattled by his reaction, and that was about as emotionally enriching as cotton candy is nutritious." -- WHAT

Frowny face courtesy of yours truly.

While in the shower, Ana consults her other personalities to see if they have an opinion about Christian's mood.

"I look to my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a glue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of postcoital glow. No - we're all clueless." -- YOU'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON

"I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian's one and only hair implement, and put my hair up in a bun." -- If you cut out the useless and ridiculous 'comb it through with Christian's only hair implement', you literally have "I towel-dry my hair and put my hair up in a bun." This is not how writing is supposed to work.

She exits the bathroom, marvels at Christian's housekeeper's adept use of the laundry room, and gets dressed. Once in the kitchen, she tries to only drink tea and not eat anything, but Christian, kind soul that he is, tells Mrs. Jones to make two completely separate breakfasts for the two of them. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs for Ana, and an omelette with fruit for himself. Talk turns to Ana's impending trip to Georgia.

"'Have you bought your air ticket?' (her what?)

'No, I'll buy it when I get home - over the Internet.'

He leans on his elbow, rubbing his chin.

'Do you have the money?'

Oh no. 

'Yes,' I say with mock patience as if I'm talking to a small child." -- We've already been over why you absolutely do not have the money to fund this last minute, cross country trip, but in case you've forgotten, at the end of spring, flight prices go up due to the increase in travel. You are a recent college graduate and have lamented your lack of funding on numerous occasions. I seriously doubt you have $1000+ lying around to pay for this.

Christian offers her the use of his private jet, which she declines. He asks if she needs to do much preparation for her interview (she doesn't), and once again brings up that he doesn't know for which publishing house she's interviewing. She says she still won't tell him and he delivers a thinly veiled threat to track her phone - again. Then, breakfast is over.

"After clearing the pans, tactfully, [Mrs. Jones] heads out of the living area. I peek up at him.

'What is it, Anastasia?'

'You know, you never did tell me why you don't like to be touched.'"

Again??

He tells her he's confided more in her than in anyone else, and she is shocked to learn that he apparently doesn't have any close friends. He asks that she think about their arrangement while she's away, and tells her he'll miss her. Her heart warms and the scene changes abruptly.

Ana is now waiting on her second interview of the day, and is sitting on a leather couch. She flushes at her wayward and inappropriate thoughts (Christian has a similar couch in his playroom...) and returns a smile from the receptionist. She's booked her flight, packed, alerted her mother, and arranged her transportation to the airport (Kate). 

"Christian has ordered me to take my BlackBerry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize now that's just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me. Yet he's so unpredictably and disarmingly agreeable, too. He can be tender, good-humored, even sweet. And when he is, it's so left field and unexpected." -- these are not traits you should covet in a relationship.

We get about a page and a half detailing her interview, mostly concerning the interviewer and how certain things he says or does remind her of Christian. She arrives home, and is greeted by Kate, who also, somehow, does something that reminds her of "my favorite Fifty Shades." Kate asks Ana if she's okay, finally filling the 'best friend' role into which she's been cast, and they talk for a bit about Ana's feelings and how she hasn't revealed them to Christian. Kate leaves to get Chinese food, and Ana sends an email to Christian. They go back and forth for a time about all the great sex they have, and then, mercifully, Kate is back. They eat, and she drops Ana off at the airport.

"'Ticket, please?' The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.

Mirroring his boredom, I handover my ticket and my driver's license as ID. I am hoping for a window seat if at all possible.

'Okay, Miss Steele. You've been upgraded to first class.' 

.........

'Surely there's some mistake.'

'No, no.' He checks his computer screen again. 'Anastasia Steele - upgrade.' He simpers.

Ugh. I narrow my eyes. He hands me my boarding pass, and I head toward the first class lounge muttering under my breath. Damn Christian Grey, interfering control freak - he just can't leave well enough alone." -- of ALL the things Christian does, a first class upgrade is not the thing I'd choose to complain about.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 20

SIX CHAPTERS LEFT (after this one).

As I'm sure you recall, Christian has just flipped Ana over his shoulder and is carrying her to the boathouse. He turns on some lights and carries Ana up a flight of stairs and into the attic. The room has a couple couches, but Ana isn't focused on those.
"I am mesmerized . . . watching him like one would watch a rare and dangerous predator, waiting for him to strike." -- like this, then?

"His breathing is harsh, but then he's just carried me across the lawn and up a flight of stairs. Gray eyes blaze with anger, need, and pure unadulterated lust. 

Holy shit. I could spontaneously combust from his look alone." -- Get it? His eyes are gray, his last name is Grey, he lives in Seattle which is perpetually gray (grey?). Symbolism.

She asks him (actually, pleads) not to hit her - she doesn't want him to spank her there. He appears surprised, which is interesting, since he's totally aware of how she feels about being physically assaulted, and she capitalises on his surprise by taking the moment to brush his cheek with her hand, and then run her other hand through his hair. They begin kissing, and then Christian is confused.

"'What are you doing to me?' he whispers, confused. (see?)

'Kissing you.'

'You said no.'

'What?' No to what?

'At the dinner table, with your legs.'

Oh . . . that's what this is all about.

'But we were at your parents' dinner table.' I stare up at him, completely bewildered.

'No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so - hot.'" -- Is it? You tried to get your hand in her crotch, she closed her legs, denying you access, effectively saying no. And that's ......... hot?? You're just dying for a chance to actually rape someone, aren't you, Christian? 

She questions him about being angry and aroused because she said no, and he offers an explanation.

"'I'm mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I'm mad because you went drinking with that guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk (pot calling the kettle black a little, don't you think?) and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that? (who the fuck knows, Christian. We've already established Ana's abysmal taste in people.) And I'm mad and aroused because you closed your legs to me.' His eyes glitter dangerously, and he's slowly inching up the hem of my dress." -- Sloppy verb tenses aside, I go back to my original statement. Christian is just dying for a chance to actually rape her.

He tells her he's going to fuck her (at least she has some warning?) and then Ana seems to lose touch with reality.

"Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once: withdrawing his fingers, leaving me wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down on the couch so he's lying on top of me." -- I've done some consulting, and the only way he could accomplish all three of these things at once is if he was standing perpendicular to her and rammed her with his shoulder while also removing his fingers with one hand and undoing his zipper with the other. I imagine it looks like he just sort of topples over, takes her with him, and they accidentally land on the couch. 

They have sex (shocking, I know), and just as they're straightening up, Mia appears and says that Kate and Elliot are leaving. They go to say goodbye and Ana attempts to scold Kate for her comments about Jose earlier. Kate laughs it off because she's a super good friend, and they leave. Christian and Ana also leave, and in the car, Ana tells him that she thinks he only invited her because Kate was there.

"'If Elliot hadn't asked Kate, you'd never have asked me.' I can't see his face in the dark, but he tilts his head, gaping at me.

'Anastasia, I'm delighted that you've met my parents. Why are you so filled with self-doubt? It never ceases to amaze me. You're such a strong, self-contained young woman, but you have such negative thoughts about yourself. If I hadn't wanted you to meet them, you wouldn't be here. Is that how you were feeling the whole time?'

Oh! He wanted me there - and it's a revelation." -- I hate you.

The conversation moves on to Ana's potential trip to Georgia. She's feeling overwhelmed by Christian and his intensity and is having second thoughts. He'd like to know why.

"Holy crap. How did this suddenly become such an intense and meaningful conversation? It's been sprung on me, like an exam that I'm not prepared for. What do I say? Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can't touch you, because I'm too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse - beat me? What can I say?" -- You can say literally all of that.

The ride home is full of tension and bizarre desire, as Christian tries to read Ana's mind and Ana makes strange metaphors about Christian's life as a dark knight. They get to Christian's apartment and Ana is tired because she's been "prevailed upon in ways [she] never thought possible". Christian tells her he may prevail upon her again, and, despite this being like the third week they've been fucking, she is surprised. 

"I raise my eyebrows. 'You're going to settle for plain old vanilla?'

He cocks his head to one side. 'Nothing plain or old about vanilla - it's a very intriguing flavor,' he breathes.

'Since when?'

'Since last Saturday. Why? Were you hoping for something more exotic?'

My inner goddess pops her head above the parapet.

'Oh no. I've had enough exotic for one day.' My inner goddess pouts at me, failing miserably to hide her disappointment." -- YOUR INNER GODDESS IS YOU YOU CANNOT HIDE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT FROM YOURSELF ALSO WHERE DID SHE GET A PARAPET

So Christian gets Ana into his room, gets her naked, and then things come to a screeching halt. She wonders if she should play hard to get and he's confused. He asks her, bewildered, "Don't you want to fuck?" and she says no. She wants him to make love to her. The problem: he thought they had already - last Saturday. She says she wants to touch him, but we all know that's a hard limit (and so does she), so her request kills the mood pretty fast. Then she has some quality time with her inner goddess. Wait, no. It's her subconscious. It's so hard to keep track of all of Ana's personalities.

"After all that I've done today, it's still the same ordinary girl gaping back at me. What did you expect - that you'd grow horns and a little pointy tail? my subconscious snaps at me. And what the hell are you doing? Touching is his hard limit. Too soon, you idiot. He needs to walk before he can run. My subconscious is furious, Medusa-like in her anger, hair flying, her hands clenched around her face like in Edvard Munch's The Scream. I ignore her, but she won't climb back into her box. You are making him mad - think about all that's he's said, all he's conceded." -- "that's he's" is not me making a typo, by the way. It's really in the book like that.

This is quality writing.

She brushes her teeth (with his toothbrush... ugh) and he knocks on the door.

"'Come in,' I splutter through a mouthful of toothpaste.

Christian stands in the doorway, his PJs hanging off his hips in that way that makes every little cell in my body stand up and take notice. He's bare-chested, and I drink him in like I'm crazed with thirst and he's clear, cool mountain spring water." -- laying it on a little thick, dontcha think?

Christian brushes his teeth (also with his toothbrush) and then joins Ana in the bedroom. After some boring, melodramatic discussion, Ana tells Christian that if he tells her why he's so fucked up, she'll let him spank her. I guess that makes sense, but it doesn't sound like a fair trade. Christian leaves the room and comes back with a new toy.

"He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread. 

'These are new,' he says emphatically.

I look questioningly up at him.

'I am going to put these inside you, and then I'm going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.' He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction.

Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils."

This is legitimately what Google gives you when you search "dance of the seven veils gif". You're welcome.

He puts the balls in her mouth because apparently, they need lubrication. 

"I stand in front of him.

'Now turn around, bend down, and grab your ankles.'

I blink at him, and his expression darkens.

'Don't hesitate,' he admonishes me softly, an undercurrent in his voice, and he pops the balls in his mouth.

Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush." -- Sexier than the toothbrush. SEXIER THAN THE TOOTHBRUSH.

He's baaaack!

He inserts the balls, and tells her to stand up. The feeling is weird, but she likes it. Christian tells her to go get him a glass of water and that he'll spank her when she gets back. I'll spare you the details of that - and the sex that inevitably happens after. Christian goes to the bathroom and brings back lotion for Ana's poor backside, and she is eager for him to fulfill his side of the agreement.

"He sighs, slides in beside me, and pulls me into his arms. Careful not to touch my stinging behind, we are spooning again. He kisses me very softly beside my ear.

"'The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'

Holy fuck . . . what does that mean?

'Was?'

'She's dead.'

'How long?'

He sighs.

'She died when I was four. I don't really remember her. Carrick has given me some details. I only remember certain things. Please go to sleep.'

'Good night, Christian.'

'Good night, Ana.'

And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old gray-eyed boy in a dark, scary, miserable place."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 19

When we left Ana, she had just fallen asleep after more sex than I ever cared to read about. I originally thought it had all taken place at night, but actually, it was midday, and Ana and Christian just took a nap. It's now dusk, and Christian is trying to get Ana out of bed so they can go to dinner at his parents' house.

Begrudgingly, Ana gets up and notices her dress and bra hanging over a chair. Her panties, however, are unaccounted for. She realises in the shower that he took them hostage on purpose to make her ask for them, so she just decides not to wear them. Inevitably, she regrets her decision when it's too late to change her mind.

"I peek up at him in the elevator. He's enjoying a private joke, a trace of a smile flirting with his lovely mouth. I fear that it may be at my expense. What was I thinking? I'm going to see his parents, and I'm not wearing any underwear. ... Now, I'm almost outside with no panties! He peers down at me, and it's there, the charge building between us. The amused look disappears from his face and his expression clouds, his eyes dark . . . oh my."

The two climb into the Audi and Ana contemplates Christian's relationship with Elena, now known as Mrs. Robinson.

"And then there's the Red Room of Pain. I rub my wrists reflexively - thin strips of plastic will do that to a girl." -- do what, exactly?

"She taught him all that, too, or ruined him, depending on one's point of view. Or perhaps he would have found his way there anyway in spite of Mrs. R. I realize, in that moment, that I hate her. I hope that I never meet her because I will not be responsible for my actions." -- The thing is, you're an adult, and you're absolutely responsible for your actions. And what do you actually think you're going to do to her? Also, don't cry all the time about needing to stay with Christian because there's some elemental force pulling you two together and then bitch about him being 'ruined.' You either take him as he is - horrible, abusive, and petulant - or you leave. You can't have it both ways.

She asks him why he used cable ties, and he explains that they're quick, easy, and most importantly, painful.

"'All part of my world, Anastasia.' He squeezes my hand and lets go, staring out the window again. 

His world, indeed, and I want to belong in it, but on his terms? I just don't know. He hasn't mentioned that damned contract." -- You've been fighting this same inner battle for 330 pages now. And for the record, you had lots of input to the contract, AND you get to decide if you actually sign it or even want to stay, so it's not really on his terms any more than it's on yours.

They arrive at the house, and Ana is overwhelmed with affectionate greetings from Christian's family. Christian's sister, Mia, is the most excited, as Christian has never brought a girl home before (and also she's modeled after Alice from Twilight but whatevs). Kate and Elliot are in the living room, and as Ana watches them (creepy), she realises something.

"I flush scarlet, and seeing Kate sitting with Elliot, it occurs to me suddenly that the only reason Christian invited me was because Kate is here. Elliot probably freely and happily asked Kate to meet his parents. Christian was trapped - knowing that I would have found out via Kate. I frown at the thought. He's been forced into the invitation. The realization is bleak and depressing." -- Careful, Ana. Your Bella is showing.

They sit for dinner, and Christian's parents ask Ana a little about herself. 

"'Are you taking a break now that you've finished your degree?' Mr. Grey asks.

'I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,' I reply.

Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times, his expression unreadable. Oh, shit. I haven't mentioned this to him.

'Georgia?' he murmurs.

'My mother lives there, and I haven't seen her for a while.'

'When were you thinking of going?' His voice is low.

'Tomorrow, late evening.'" -- really? Are you sure you're only thinking about going? Isn't tomorrow kind of short notice? Don't you complain about not having money all the time because you're in college and broke as fuck? How small does ELJ think America is? It's not like flying in Europe where you can just get anywhere for fuck all. My best friend lives in Florida and it would cost her almost $500 and SHE'S RIGHT NEXT DOOR. As part of my due dilligence to this blog, I checked out 3 major US airlines to see how much it would cost to fly from Seattle to Savannah tomorrow (the 6th) and to come back on the 9th. I know, it's February right now, but that technically means it should be cheaper because it's the off-season for both cities. Wanna know how much a round trip ticket would cost? AT LEAST $1500. And before you say "oh but there are so many discount airline websites out there, surely you're exaggerating," allow me to squash your speculation. The lowest round trip airfare on Expedia is $900. Travelocity's lowest price is $870. This doesn't include potential baggage fees. My point is, flying across America takes a hell of a lot more planning than just "Oh, I think I'll leave tomorrow" for most people, but especially for college students. 

Christian is angry, but not "palm-twitchingly mad", which is a thing in this book. Then, Kate (always the greatest best friend) decides to make Christian jealous.

"'How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?'

Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back at me, and I realize she's trying to make Christian jealous. How little she knows. I thought I'd got away with this. 

'He was fine,' I murmur.

Christian leans over.

'Palm-twitchingly mad,' he whispers. 'Especially now.' His tone is quiet and deadly.

Oh no. I squirm." -- this is such a healthy relationship.

Talk at the table turns to sports, and Ana tries to focus on her food instead of her impending lashings. Naturally, her mind wanders.

"Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven't signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won't. Perhaps I'll stay in Georgia where he can't reach me." -- Can't.... reach.... you? You're fucking kidding right? I know Ana is supposed to be kind of innocent and naive but Christian has made it perfectly clear that she can't fucking run from him ever ("I can track your phone, remember?"). Somehow she thinks that putting a country between the two of them will keep the one with his own fucking plane away from her???? 

As dinner winds down, it appears Christian's good humour has returned. Ana catches herself watching Kate and Elliot oogle at each other (again, creepy), and Christian asks if she'd like a tour of the grounds. They leave the house and head out to the backyard. As they're walking, Ana's heels begin to sink into the grass, so she asks Christian to stop so she can take them off. He tells her not to bother and picks her up and puts her over his shoulder and tells her they're going to the boathouse.

"I hang on to his hips as I'm tipped upside down, and he strides purposefully in the moonlight across the lawn. 

'Why?' I sound breathless, bouncing on his shoulder.

'I need to be alone with you.'

'What for?'

'Because I'm going to spank and then fuck you.'

'Why?' I whimper softly.

'You know why,' he hisses.

'I thought you were an in-the-moment guy?' I plead breathlessly.

'Anastasia, I'm in the moment, trust me.'

Holy fuck."

Annnnd that's where the chapter ends. More sex to come at the beginning of the next chapter. You're welcome.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 18

TWELVE CHAPTERS LEFT

I'm officially past the halfway point (chapter 18 begins on page 315 of 514, so technically I've been more than halfway done for a little while, but it just became noticeable). I hope you're all as excited as I am. Twilight comes after this, which I'm sure will be a wonderful adventure and a nice break before carrying on to Fifty Shades Darker. BUT I'm getting ahead of myself. Still 200 pages left, so let's get this under way.

Ana is at Christian's and it's time for the appointment with the highly recommended gynaecologist that she doesn't need. Thankfully, this interaction is not detailed. Instead, we come in just after the examination to discover that Ana has decided to take "the mini pill". She whines for a second about how the doctor lectures her on taking it at the same time every day (this shit is why you get pregnant in two books, you idiot. pay attention!), and then leaves the room with the doctor in tow. The doctor leaves and Christian and Ana sit down to a chicken Caesar salad lunch. He asks what BC method she went for, and then seems dubious that she'll remember to take it every day - a nice little bit of foreshadowing. Then things heat up - because salad really gets Ana going.
"'Do you want to do this?' he breathes, looking down at me intently.
'I haven't signed anything.'
'I know - but I'm breaking all the rules these days.'
'Are you going to hit me?'
'Yes, but it won't be to hurt you. I don't want to punish you right now. If you'd caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.'
Holy cow. He wants to hurt me . . . how do I deal with this? I can't hide the horror on my face." -- How are you still in his house? You don't like it when he hits you. He wants to hit you. I feel like these conflict enough that you should be getting the hell out of there, but what the fuck do I know?

Christian tries to reassure her by telling her that one of the reasons people participate in these kinds of relationships is that they like to either give or receive pain. An interesting way to reassure her, as she doesn't enjoy either of those things. 

"'He pulls me against him, and his erection presses into my belly. I should run, but I can't. I'm drawn to him on some deep, elemental level that I can't begin to understand." -- He's a good fuck, sweetie. That's it. There is no 'elemental level', he's just a really great lay.

He tells her that he just wants to tie her up and fuck her senseless, then asks if she's ready for that.

"'Yes,' I breathe as everything in my body tightens at once . . . wow.

'Good. Come.' He takes my hand and, leaving all the dirty dishes on the breakfast bar, we head upstairs.

My heart starts pounding. This is it. I'm really going to do this. My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette."

She's beauty and she's graaaace.

He gets Ana into his Red Room of Pain and takes her through how she is to act when she's in there. She can't look him in the eye, she needs to show up naked, except for her panties, and she should be kneeling near the door with her legs open at an awkward angle. Sounds sexy. He tells her he's going to chain her up, and to give him her right hand. He hits it with a riding crop.

"Even more astonishing - it doesn't hurt. Well, not much, just a slight ringing sting.

'How does that feel?' he asks.

I blink at him, confused.

'Answer me.'

'Okay.' I frown.

'Don't frown.'

I blink and try for impassive. I succeed." -- How is this the kind of dialogue that inspired the "9 months ago, my mommy read Fifty Shades of Grey" onesies??? 

He attaches her to some kind of mobile grid system and stares at her for a while. 

"'You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth quiet for now. I like that.'" -- no one talks like thissssssssssssssssssss.

"Standing in front of me again, he hooks his fingers into my panties and, at a most unhurried pace, peels them down my legs, stripping me agonizingly slowly, so that he ends up kneeling in front of me. Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply. Holy fuck. Did he just do that?" -- unfortunately, yes.

As you can probably imagine (sorry), a lot of sex takes place now. I mean, a lot. Like 3 times in 8 pages. As expected, it's poorly written and boring, and somehow, Ana is practically asleep for most of it because her first orgasm takes so much out of her. We end the chapter with Christian leading Ana to bed. For sleep. Finally.

"He stoops to help me to my feet and leads me to the door, on the back of which hangs a gray waffle robe. He patiently dresses me as if I'm a small child. I don't have the strength to lift my arms." -- I seriously doubt this. also, why is everything in this book gray? I mean, I get that it's his last name, but Christ. His eyes are gray, the sky is gray, the robe is gray. Could we get any other color please???

"Suddenly, he scoops me up and carries me curled against his chest to the room down the corridor where earlier today Dr. Greene examined me. My head drops against his chest. I am exhausted. I don't remember ever being this tired. Pulling back the duvet, he lays me down and, even more surprisingly, climbs in beside me and holds me close.

'Sleep now, gorgeous girl,' he whispers, and he kisses my hair.

And before I can make a facetious comment, I'm asleep." -- you never say anything facetious. are you always on the verge of sleep?

Anyway, this is the end of the chapter. You're welcome. 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 17

We open this chapter with a vivid dream from Miss Steele.
"The candle flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprinkling dusty scales in the circle of light. I'm struggling to resist, but I'm drawn. And then it's so bright, and I am flying too close to the sun, dazzled by the light, fried and melting from the heat, weary in my endeavors to stay airborne." -- exactly two pages ago, Ana said this: "'You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun.'" - laying it on a little thick, aren't you?

Ana wakes up to find herself "draped in Christian Grey." He's all limbs, and has wrapped one leg around her knees and has flung his arm across her chest. "He's wrapped around me like a victory flag." She considers that since he's sleeping, she can touch him, so she runs her fingers down his back, inevitably waking him up. 

"He moves slowly, unpeeling his limbs from me as he gets his bearings. I become aware of his erection against my hip. He notices my wide-eyed reaction, and he smiles a slow, sexy smile. 

'Hmm . . . this has possibilities, but I think we should wait until Sunday. ' He leans down and nuzzles my ear with his nose. 

I flush, but then I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat." -- I can see it now - Seven Shades of Scarlet: And To Think You Thought This Bullshit Was Over -- also, why is his erection surprising to you?? YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH HIM BEFORE.

Christian asks what time it is and realises he's nearly late for a meeting in Portland. He scrambles around to get his stuff together, and before he leaves, reminds Ana of when she'll see him next.

"'Sunday,' he says, and the word is pregnant with an unspoken promise. Everything deep in my body uncurls and then clenches in delicious anticipation. The feeling is exquisite." -- exquisite or not, you should probably get that looked at.

He tells her that Taylor will sort out her Beetle and that he'll email her with a time for Sunday. Why they don't text each other, I'll never know. But just like that, Christian has run off to work. After Ana finishes getting ready for her own job, she has some extra time so chooses to email Christian and explain her feelings about being spanked. I've gone through this entire email exchanged previously, in Chapter 12 of Grey, so if you'd really like to be reminded of how horrible Christian's reaction to Ana's concerns of abuse are ("Do you think you could just try to embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That's what a submissive would do."), go ahead and read that post. 

The emailing ends and Ana leaves for work.

"The Audi is a joy to drive. It has power steering." -- as usual, I've done my due diligence for this blog and consulted Wikipedia and discovered that power steering first became commercial in 1951. because that's what ELJ would do. except that's also what she didn't do, as her 22 year old protagonist in the year 2011 is surprised that a fucking AUDI has power steering.

As she drives to work, she contemplates life and the things she's already agreed to.

"Yes. I'm an adult, thank you for reminding me, Christian Grey, and it is my choice. The problem is, I just want Christian, not all his . . . baggage - and right now he has a 747 cargo hold's worth of baggage. Could I just lie back and embrace it? Like a submissive? I've said I'd try. It's an awfully big ask." -- except it's not. it's not too much to ask someone you like/love/are involved with to accept you and your baggage. sure, he has more than the average person, but as you just stated, you've already said you'd try. It's a little late to be like 'dang I guess I should have decided to be a thinking adult about this instead of allowing myself to be driven by my newly discovered baser instincts.' and fuck you for wanting this perfect image of Christian but turning your nose up at literally everything that makes him a person. it's true that he's the shittiest of shitty people, but you've chosen to love him so that's officially your problem now.

Halfway through her last shift at work, a package is delivered. Christian has bought Ana a BlackBerry and she's pissed. Her shift ends, and her bosses gather the employees for a 'goodbye Ana' speech.

"In that moment, all the events from the past 3 weeks well up inside of me: exams, graduation, an intense, fucked-up billionaire, deflowering, hard and soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides, and the fact that I will move tomorrow." -- no one says 'deflowering' anymore.

Back at her apartment, Jose joins Ana and Kate in a little 'we're done packing' celebration. They're a few beers into the night when Elliot (Christian's brother and Kate's boyfriend) knocks on the door. He sweeps Kate up into an embrace, and Ana and Jose are uncomfortable.

"'Shall we walk down to the bar?' I ask Jose, who nods frantically. We are too uncomfortable with the unrestrained sexing unfolding in front of us.

......

As we stroll down to the bar, I put my arm through Jose's. God, he's so uncomplicated - I hadn't really appreciated that before." -- you're much more comfortable with the almost-rapist than you should be.

Ana gets back from the bar and, after responding to some emails from Christian, goes to bed. The next day, Elliot helps Ana and Kate move into their new apartment in Seattle. Once they're moved in, Kate goes to get pizza, which they eat on the floor. The doorbell rings with a welcome present from Christian - champagne and a helicopter balloon - prompting Ana to tell Kate about the time Christian flew her from Portland to Seattle. 

The next day, Ana wakes up in anticipation.

"No . . . today's the day. My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy and portentous over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly - as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me . . . and of course, I have to sign that damned contract, or do I?"

She checks her email to see that Christian has sent her the information she'll need to drive to his place - the garage code, where to park, and the code for the elevator. She replies that she understands and proceeds to get ready. She leaves, and is excited to discover that she can drive the Audi in heels. This is illegal in Washington, but did we really expect ELJ to research that?

She arrives at Christian's apartment and he leads her to the couch.

"Sitting beside me, his whole body is turned toward me, one of his legs tucked under the other. Reaching over, he tucks my hair behind my ear with his long index finger. My body comes alive at his touch, waiting and needful."

He asks if she's eaten (she hasn't), and she says she's hungry, but not for food. Obviously. He tells her that while he'd also like to enjoy some quality time, the ob-gyn he hired to see her (the best ob-gyn in Seattle, apparently) is going to be there soon. Ana considers how much he must be paying this woman to make a house call on a Sunday at lunch time, when she shows up.

"'Ready for some contraception?' he asks as he stands and holds out his hand to me.

'You're not going to come as well, are you?' I gasp, shocked.

He laughs. 'I'd pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don't think the good doctor would approve.'" -- I'm still not sure why this appointment is even happening? You don't need someone to get all up in your business before they prescribe you birth control.

Ana follows the doctor and the chapter ends.