Bared to You: Chapter 3

When we last saw Eva, she was telling Cary that she wanted to check out the Krav Maga classes in Brooklyn. She's decided they should go check out the class offered by that one dude at the gym in chapter one.
"'There's no way your mom and Stanton are going to let you come out here at night multiple times a week,' Cary said, hugging his stylish denim jacket around him even though it wasn't more than slightly chilly." -- Am I supposed to believe that this woman has moved away from her parents, has her own apartment (albeit probably on mommy and daddy's dime), and somehow they're still telling her where she can and cannot go? Is it hard to write a protagonist who and think and act for herself? 

She asks Cary why he thinks Stanton will find out, since she's not going to tell him or her mother about her new found interest.
"'She won't understand. She'll think I want to protect myself because of what happened, and she'll feel guilty and give me grief about it. She won't believe my main interest is exercise and stress relief.'" -- Right, so here's the thing. Even if your main interest was self-defence, why on earth would any parent on the planet have a problem with that? I'm only guessing (but I'm a pretty good guesser), but soon there's going to be a reveal of sexual assault in Eva's past, and if that's the case (and it will be), why would learning to defend herself be seen as anything other than empowering? 

The next day at work, Eva is whining internally about having to spend the whole weekend away from Gideon Cross. Mark is going over something businessy with her when the phone rings. It's Stanton (Richard?? I don't fucking know, she calls him both. Richard Stanton? Stanton Richard? Is it a double-barrelled first name???? I NEED ANSWERS). He wants to have lunch, and Mark is nice enough to give her 2 hours. Stanton-Richard joins her shortly after she arrives, and and they start to eat.

"'Eva love, I wanted to discuss your interest in Krav Maga.'

I froze. 'Excuse me?'

Stanton took a sip of iced water and leaned back, his jaw taking on the rigidity that warned me I wouldn't like what he was about to say. 

'Your mother was quite distraught last night when you went to that studio in Brooklyn. It took some time to calm her down and to assure her that I could make arrangements for you to pursue your interests in a safe manner. She doesn't want —'

'Wait.' I set my fork down carefully, my appetite gone. 'How did she know where I was?'

'She tracked your cell phone.'

..........

'She has to let it go. I've let it go.'

'You were an innocent, Eva. She feels guilty for not protecting you. We need to give her a little latitude.'" -- What the actual fuck. Also, "you were an innocent"???? Do people really talk like that?

Richard-Stanton goes on to say that he's arranged for a driver to take her to and from Brooklyn whenever she needs to go - it will be more convenient and safer I guess. Eva is rightfully upset and tells him he's enabling her mother and keeping her sick and she needs to get back to work. She leaves her phone with the receptionist and meets Clancy (Stanton-Richard's driver) in the lobby. On her ride home, she thinks of her mother, who is 'so emotional and fragile'. Thank goodness she has a big strong man to take care of her. 

On her way back to work, she stopped at a corner store and bought a bunch of chocolate, which might be the most relatable thing she's done yet. She gets into an empty elevator at work and shovels the first one into her mouth in frustration. She was just enjoying 'the comfort of dark chocolate and caramel melting over [her] tongue,' when the elevator doors opened on the fourth floor to none other than Gideon Cross. Cue shock. Cue awe.

I hope you enjoy laughing at this. It might be the last time you smile in this chapter.

Gideon gets into the elevator with her, and she decides that it would be 'safer for her sanity' if she stepped out and took a different car up. Instead, Cross grabs her by the elbow and drags her back into the elevator. He overrides the car with a key and it begins its ascent to the top floor. 

"'I'm not in the mood for you now, Mr. Cross.'

He watched the antique-style needle above the doors mark the passing floors. 'I can get you in the mood.'

'I'm not interested.'

Cross glanced over his shoulder at me. His shirt and tie were both the same rich cerulean as his irises. The effect was striking. 'No lies, Eva. Ever.'

'That's not a lie. So what if I'm attracted to you? I expect most women are.' Wrapping up what was left of my candy bar, I shoved it back into the shopping bag I'd tucked into my purse. I didn't need chocolate when I was sharing air with Gideon Cross. 'But I'm not interested in doing anything about it.'" -- In case anyone is curious, that literally 4 times in 119 words that she denies his advance. Four. Times.

"'Call me crazy, but I have to actually like someone before I get naked and sweaty with him.'

'Not crazy,' he said. 'But I don't have the time or the inclination to date.'

'That makes two of us. Glad we got that cleared up.'

He stepped closer, his hand lifting to my face. I forced myself not to move away or give him the satisfaction of seeing me intimidated. His thumb brushed over the corner of my mouth, then lifted to his own. He sucked on the pad and purred, 'Chocolate and you. Delicious.'" -- See, this. This is where that Krav Maga might come in fucking handy.

He tells her that romance isn't in his repertoire - how original - but 'a thousand ways to make [her] come are.' Ew. When the elevator stops, she 'backed into the corner and shooed him out with a flick of [her] wrist. "I'm really not interested."' Instead of leaving her to go back to work, he grabs her elbow again and steers her out of the elevator. They're walking to his office and he tells his receptionist to hold all of his calls.

'"I have to go back to work.'

'And I have a meeting at two. The sooner we work this out, the sooner we can both get back to business. Now, sit down.'

'What do you think we're going to work out?'

Sighing, he scooped me up like a bride and carried me over to the sofa. He dropped me on my butt, then sat next to me. 'Your objections. It's time to discuss what it's going to take to get you beneath me.'

'A miracle.' I pushed back from him, widening the space between us. I tugged at the hem of my emerald green skirt, wishing I'd worn pants instead. 'I find your approach crude and offensive.'"

"I pushed myself to my feet and backed out of his reach. 'Casual sex doesn't have to include wine and roses, but for God's sake, whatever else it is, sex should be personal. Friendly even. With mutual respect at the very least.'

His humor fled as he stood, his eyes darkening. 'There are no mixed signals in my private affairs. You want me to blur that line. I can't think of a good reason to.'

'I don't want you to do jack shit, besides let me get back to work.' I strode to the door and yanked on the handle, cursing softly when it didn't budge. 'Let me out, Cross.'

I felt him come up behind me. His palms pressed flat to the glass on either side of my shoulders, caging me in. I couldn't think of my own self-preservation when he was so close."

(If you've not been keeping count, that's 12 times now in a page and a half that she's told him some form of no. Twelve.)

THIS. IS. NOT. SEXY.

Except apparently it is. Cross requests that she turn and face him to say goodbye, as he's decided she's not worth the effort. How sweet. She turns and he tells her to kiss him. Somehow this is something she wants to do, so they kiss. A lot. He carries her over to the couch and they're all hands and tongues and she's basically ready to fuck him in his office on her lunch break. 

"'Jesus, Eva.' A low rumble vibrated in his chest, the primitive sound sending goose bumps racing across my skin. 'Your boss is damned lucky he's gay.'" 

The chapter ends with them just about to finally capitalise on 44 whole pages of lust when Gideon jumps to his feet.

"Abruptly, he yanked himself away, stumbling to his feet.

I lay there gasping and wet, so willing and ready. Then I realized why he'd reacted so fiercely.

Someone was behind him."

*spoiler alert, it's just the speaker on his office phone.

Bared to You: Chapter 2

'His tie was silver and his shirt brilliantly white, the stark absence of color emphasizing those amazing blue irises. As he stood there with his jacket open and his hands shoved casually into his pants pockets, the sight of him was like running smack into a wall I hadn't known was there.' 

She nearly misses the elevator while contemplating the texture of his hair, which for whatever reason is described as 'like whipped cream topping on a hot-fudge brownie sundae.' Being the gentleman that he is, this as yet nameless, long-haired mystery pushes the button to re-open the doors, stating that there's plenty of room for both of them. She contemplates telling him that she's waiting for someone, but then realises that since he's been in the building two days in a row now, he probably works there and it's unlikely she can avoid him forever.

'I couldn't avoid him every time I saw him, and why should I? If I wanted to get to the point where I could look at him and take his hotness for granted, I needed to see him often enough that he became like furniture.' 

She gets into the elevator and immediately regrets her decision. The tension is palpable, and her breathing becomes ragged. You'd think this would be pretty noticeable in a small enclosed space with only one other person, but maybe its got really loud machinery. He asks if she enjoyed her first day, and she answers coldly, which he doesn't really deserve at this point in the story. Finally, though, it's time to leave the elevator.

'I waited impatiently as the elevator emptied, and the first chance I got, I took a step forward. His hand settled firmly at the small of my back and he walked out beside me, steering me. The sensation of his touch on such a vulnerable place rippled through me.' -- Well it would, wouldn't it? Since you're obviously at least colleagues, but basically strangers, and his hand has absolutely no business being anywhere on your body at this moment. Is it too much for me to hope you smack him in the next paragraph?

'We reached the turnstiles and his hand fell away, leaving me feeling oddly bereft.' -- Yep, guess so.

The next morning, Eva arrives at work with a mild hangover, because she went out drinking with Cary the night before.

'My choices were either too much alcohol or a whirl with my vibrator, and I was damned if I'd have a battery-powered orgasm starring Dark and Dangerous. Not that he'd know or even care that he made me so horny I couldn't see straight, but I'd know, and I didn't want to give the fantasy of him the satisfaction.' -- What.

When her boss, Mark, arrives, he's very excited and asks if she can work late. They've received a request for a proposal to do the marketing for some vodka brand, and apparently he's been asked for by name. She agrees, and they spend the whole day working. A little after 7pm, Mark's boyfriend (husband? it's not really clear) calls and asks if they've eaten yet. They haven't, so Steve, being the gem that he is, brings Chinese. They eat, and Steve tries a bit of banter with Eva.

'"Damn, girl," Steven said with a whistle, as I went for a third helping. "You can put it away. Where does it go?"

I shrugged. "To the gym with me. Maybe that helps . . .?"

.......

"I might have to take her out to lunch with the crew. I could win money betting on how much she can eat."

I smiled. "That could be fun."

"Ha. I knew you had a bit of a wild streak. It's in your smile."

Looking down at my food, I refused to let my mind wander into memories of just how wild I'd been in my rebellious, self-destructive phase.' -- I mean, aside from the painfully sloppy foreshadowing, is her ability to eat large quantities of food really indicative of her having a 'wild streak'? Man, would he be impressed with what I can do to a pizza.

The next day, they work tirelessly on their proposal to get it ready in time for their 4 o'clock meeting. They go up to the very top floor of the building, walk into the conference room, and somehow, we're supposed to be surprised at who they find sitting at the table.

'My abrupt stop bottlenecked the threshold and Mark ran into my back, sending me stumbling forward. Dark and Dangerous caught me by the waist, hauling me off my feet and directly into his chest. The air left my lungs in a rush, followed immediately by every bit of common sense I possessed. Even through the layers of clothing between us, his biceps were like stone beneath my palms, his stomach a hard slab of muscle against my own. When he sucked in a sharp breath, my nipples tightened, stimulated by the expansion of his chest.' -- YOU. ARE. AT. WORK. Keep your shit together, for fuck sake. Also, are you expecting me to believe that in a room full of people, no one found it weird that instead of helpfully keeping you standing, he lifted you off the ground and pulled you against his body? Really?

The meeting goes well, and Cross (we've now learned Dark and Dangerous's last name) escorts Eva and her boss to the elevator. He lets Mark get in, but tells Eva he'd like a word.

'Cross said nothing until the car was on its way down; then he pushed the call button again and asked, "Are you sleeping with anyone?"

The question was asked so casually, it took a second to process what he'd said.

I inhaled sharply. "Why is that any business of yours?" 

.....

"Because I want to fuck you, Eva. I need to know what's standing in my way, if anything."' -- Well. I mean. Consent, for one thing. 

The elevator arrives and she takes it downstairs. Her boss is naturally concerned, but she doesn't tell him anything. She suggests he celebrate the meeting going well, and makes reservations for him and Steve at a restaurant. 

Once home, Eva relays the exchange to Cary, who seems way too eager for her to take Cross up on his offer. He says Cross wasn't giving her boss the vodka account on accident, but wants to get close to her. He then shows her a picture of her building and announces that Gideon Cross owns it - at an incredible 28 years old. So now Dark and Dangerous has not just a last name, but also a first name, an age, and a building. The problem is that Eva doesn't really want to sleep with him at the moment because it would be awkward seeing him at work, and she's irritated at the way he put himself out there. She's more than a vagina with legs, guys. 

'He shut his netbook with a decisive snap. 'What should we do tonight?'

'I was thinking I'd like to go check out that Krav Maga studio in Brooklyn.' I'd done a little research after meeting Parker Smith during my workout at Equinox, and as the week passed, the thought of having that kind of raw, physical outlet for stress seemed more and more ideal.

I knew it wouldn't be anything close to banging the hell out of Gideon Cross, but I suspected it would be a lot less dangerous to my health."

If You Liked Fifty Shades....

... then you're going to LOVE what I have in store for you next. As I was perusing the shelves of used books at a charity shop in Helensburgh today, I stumbled across Bared to You, a Fifty Shades ripoff spawned by Sylvia Day. It was in that shop, with my dear husband, mortified that I was actually going to present this book to the cashier and pay real money for it, that I decided this would be my next blogging adventure. Below, I have provided the printed synopsis of the book as a sort of disclaimer: read on at your own risk. 

Gideon Cross came into my life like lightning in the darkness - beautiful and brilliant, jagged and white hot. I was drawn to him as I'd never been to anything or anyone in my life. I craved his touch like a drug, even knowing it would weaken me. I was flawed and damaged, and he opened those cracks in me so easily… 

Gideon knew. He had demons of his own. And we would become the mirrors that reflected each other's most private wounds… and desires. 

The bonds of his love transformed me, even as I prayed that the torment of our pasts didn't tear us apart…

Our journey begins in Manhattan with Eva Tramell and her roommate (boyfriend?) Cary Taylor. Eva has just landed a new job and Cary wants to go celebrate with some wine, but Eva needs to walk to work and then go to the gym, which will apparently take the entire day. Careful not to over-exert herself before the workout begins, Eva takes the elevator to the ground floor of her apartment building.

'In my dreams, I'd imagined living in a walkup in Brooklyn, but being a dutiful daughter, I found myself on the Upper West Side instead. If not for Cary living with me, I would've been miserably lonely in the sprawling apartment that cost more per month than most people made in a year.' -- There's quite a lot to unpack here. First, why do your parents need you to live on the Upper West Side? Do they live there? Are they paying your rent? Are they afraid of Brooklyn? Second, a teensy tiny bit of research (literally 2 Google searches here, people) will tell you that the median household income in 2012, when your book was published, for the Upper West Side was $93,258*. The median household income for the entirety of New York City in that year was $50,711**. Today, right this minute, 2-bedroom apartments in the Upper West Side are on the market for $3,000 - $7,000 per month***. Even if we account for two incomes in a household - let's say hypothetically, that the two adults make $25,355 a year each- please. Please, explain to me how you expect me to believe that your previously unemployed protagonist is living in an apartment that somehow amounts to somewhere between $304,266 and $608,532 a year****. 

*https://project.wnyc.org/median-income-nabes/

**https://project.wnyc.org/median-income-nabes/

***https://www.zillow.com/homes/for_rent/Upper-West-Side-Manhattan-New-York-NY/apartment_duplex_type/270958_rid/2-_beds/40.807702,-73.940778,40.766436,-74.014593_rect/13_zm/

****25,355 and 50,711 multiplied by 12, respectively

She leaves her house and contemplates life in the city. She moved from San Diego, a city probably built from sticks and mud and traversed by horse-drawn carriages, and is amazed that technology exists.

'I was in awe of the lumbering garbage trucks that navigated tiny one-way streets and the package delivery drivers who braved the bumper-to-bumper traffic while facing rigid deadlines.'

As she walks to work, she contemplates how she ended up here. She's determined to make a living 'on her own merits,' and so will be starting an entry-level job. It's clear she values responsibility and adulthood, demonstrated by the fact that her father is paying her student loans (and probably her rent too), and apparently insists on doing so. 

'I pulled my new ID card out of the inner pocket of my pants and held it up for the two guards in black business suits at the desk. They stopped me anyway, no doubt because I was majorly underdressed, but then they cleared me through. After I completed an elevator ride up to the twentieth floor, I'd have a general time frame for the whole route from door to door. Score.'

On her way to the elevators, she falls flat on her ass and finally comes face to face with the man I assume she's going to be seeing a lot of in the next 5 (yes, FIVE) books.

'Inky black hair framed a breathtaking face. His bone structure would make a sculptor weep with joy while a firmly etched mouth, a blade of a nose, and intensely blue eyes made him savagely gorgeous.

........

"Are you all right?"

His voice was cultured and smooth, with a rasp that made my stomach flutter. It brought sex to mind. Extraordinary sex. I thought for a moment that he might be able to make me orgasm just by talking long enough.'

She goes home and Cary has some bizarre form of spaghetti waiting for her ('tiny tubes of salad noodles covered in a skimpy tomato sauce with lumps of ground beef and peas'). She relays her experience with the man she has dubbed "Dark and Dangerous" over dinner and wine. Cary was horrified to learn she hadn't flirted with the stranger, and conversation turned to his modelling career. Maybe that's how they afford such a grand apartment.

Eva's first day of work went the way most first days of work go - introductions, tours, generally taking it easy. She'd not had another run-in with Dark and Dangerous all day, but then it was time to go home.

'When I reached the bank of elevators, I pulled out my cell to text a quick "On my way" note to Cary. A ding alerted me to which car was stopping on my floor and I moved over to stand in front of it, briefly returning my attention to hitting the send button. When the doors opened, I took a step forward. I glanced up to watch where I was going and blue eyes met mine. My breath caught.

The sex god was the lone occupant.'

A New Beginning: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1

Welcome to the first instalment of Fifty Shades Darker, the second in ELJ's attempted-bdsm-but-really-got-all-her-info-from-Wikipedia-and-inadvertently-wrote-one-of-the-most-mainstream-abusive-relationships-but-still-tries-to-pass-it-off-as-erotica trilogy.

The book opens bizarrely with a page of prologue written from Christian's perspective - clearly foreshadowing to her future publishing endeavours. Christian is dreaming of his mother being beaten with a belt (like father (or random male figure) like son, I guess), and wakes up frightened. His nightmares are back, which probably has something to do with Ana leaving. I don't know why this is important.

Ana has survived "Day Three Post-Christian" and has started her new job. Her boss is a guy called Jack Hyde, and I can't figure out if that's just ELJ's way of trying to hint that maybe he'll be a Jekyll-and-Hyde-type-character (spoilers) or if I'm giving her waaaay too much credit. Ana finishes her first day unremarkably and ponders as she returns home.

"The apartment is empty. I miss Kate, and I imagine her lying on a beach in Barbados sipping a cool cocktail. I turn on the flat-screen television so there's noise to fill the vacuum and provide some semblance of company, but I don't listen or watch. I sit and stare blankly at the brick wall. I am numb. I feel nothing but the pain. How long must I endure this?" -- I mean... probably at least until you realise that being numb and feeling pain are two totally separate things?

"And so a pattern develops: wake, work, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can't even escape him in my dreams. Gray burning eyes, his lost look, his hair burnished and bright all haunt me. And the music . . . so much music - I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.

I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don't have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want non of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that's me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that's it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further - and I have nothing left to break."

Then, one day, after surviving for an entire 3 days and 4 nights on coffee and diet coke (her words, not mine), she receives an email at work. It's from Christian, asking if she got the flowers he sent her as a congratulations for starting her job - which is a shitty thing to do if she just dumped you for beating her but fine. He then offers to drive her to Jose's gallery opening in Portland which, again, feels like a dick move. Immediately after reading the email she starts to cry and runs to the bathroom. While there she realises that she's not heard from anyone because she's been having all of her calls forwarded to the BlackBerry that Christian gave her and that she gave back, so he's been randomly getting all of them. She wonders for a while how he got her email address and decides that if he got her shoe size, there's no hiding anything from him, so this is completely normal. She responds to his email that she'd appreciate a ride, calls Jose to find out what time she should be there, and emails Christian again with this information. That night, she has a restless sleep.

"The day drags and drags and Jack is unusually attentive. I suspect it's due to Kate's plum dress and the black high-heeled boots I've stolen from her closet, but I don't dwell on the thought. I resolve to go clothes shopping with my first paycheck. The dress is looser on me than it was, but I pretend not to notice." -- Not sure if I should start with the obviously creepy boss or the fact that she's been starving herself, but this whole thing is fucked up. Also??? If Ana is supposed to be so plain and unassuming, why does it feel like every man in every city she happens to visit wants to bang her?

It's 5:30, and Ana leaves work after being awkwardly ushered out by her creepy new boss. Taylor is waiting and she gets into the car to find Christian. He's angry because she's lost weight and even though she left him, this is still his business. They arrive at Christian's building and get into the elevator to make their way to his helicopter. The sexual tension is palpable.

"'Please don't bite your lip, Anastasia,' he whispers.

I gaze up at him, releasing my lip. I want him. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not?

'You know what it does to me,' he murmurs.

Oh, I still affect him." -- IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS OF COURSE YOU STILL AFFECT HIM YOU DOORKNOB HE DIDN'T DUMP YOU BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU WERE UNATTRACTIVE YOU CRAZY PERSON, YOU LEFT HIM - ps he still wants to smack you around so maybe it was for the best

They get into the helicopter and begin their flight to Portland. In the car on the way to the opening, Christian tells Ana that she's lost weight and that's a no-no because he wants her back. Conveniently, this admission comes as they pull up to the gallery, so Christian tells her they'll talk about it later. Ana recognises that the area is too public for this conversation (after all, he'd probably get arrested for hitting her in public), and decides to let it go. Christian takes her hand - I don't know why that's okay - and leads her into the gallery.

Christian goes off to get drinks and Jose spots Ana.

"'How did you get here?' he asks.

'Christian brought me,' I say, suddenly apprehensive.

'Oh.' Jose's face falls and he releases me. 'Where is he?' His expression darkens.

'Over there, fetching drinks.' I nod in Christian's direction and notice that he's exchanging pleasantries with someone waiting in line. Christian glances up and our eyes lock. And in that brief moment, I'm paralyzed, staring at the impossibly handsome man who gazes at me with some unfathomable emotion. His gaze hot, burning into me, and we're lost for a moment staring at each other. 

Holy cow . . . This beautiful man wants me back, and deep down inside me sweet joy slowly unfurls like a morning glory in the early dawn." -- what the actual fuck

There are lots of photos at the show, and it turns out Jose is super talented. Then they turn a corner and come face to face with seven portraits of Ana. She's mortified and Christian buys them all because he 'doesn't want strangers ogling her in the privacy of their home.' The photos change the tone of the evening from fun to serious when Christian remarks that he never sees her as relaxed as she is in the portraits and we as readers realise that he's literally the only person who doesn't understand why. 

Christian decides it's time to leave even though they haven't even been there an hour, and Ana says goodbye to Jose. Knowing it will make Christian jealous, she wraps her arms around Jose's neck. Christian glares at her and nearly drags her out of the gallery. Once outside, he pulls her into an alley and pushes her against a wall, which seems safe and totally like something she should be okay with.

They kiss a lot, and Ana has desire exploding within her "like the Fourth of July." 

"'You. Are. Mine,' he snarls, emphasizing each word. (except she's not, but go on) He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he's run a marathon. 'For the love of God, Ana.'

I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium. 

'I'm sorry,' I whisper once my breath has returned.

'You should be. I know what you were doing. Do you want the photographer, Anastasia? He obviously has feelings for you.'

I shake my head, guiltily. 'No. He's just a friend.'

'I have spent all my adult life trying to avoid any extreme emotion. Yet you . . . you bring out feelings in me that are completely alien. It's very . . . ' He frowns, grasping for the word. 'Unsettling.'

'I like control, Ana, and around you that just' - he stands, his gaze intense - 'evaporates.'" -- except it doesn't?? at all?????? that's why you dragged her away from her friend's big night?????? because you want to control her. you walnut.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 25 and 26: THE END

THE END IS HEREEEEE

Well, kind of. This will be the final post for Fifty Shades of Grey, but fear not! Fifty Shades Darker will commence in due time (probably tomorrow). Here we go!

Chapter 25

Ana leaves Georgia after a teary goodbye at the airport. She emails Christian on the plane and is concerned about the tone of his responses - clearly his "situation" isn't going well. As she relaxes into her first class accommodation, a thought strikes her. 

"I become aware that once again the only empty seat is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn't talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous - no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely." -- uhhh, have you met him?

Taylor picks Ana up from SeaTac and drives her back to Christian's place. She asks that he play soothing music on the way because she's nervous that she'll find Christian in a less than welcoming mood. 

"My inner goddess is hopeful for one type of mood; my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves." -- how many personalities can she have before it's a diagnosable condition?

She enters Christian's foyer, and it takes about a paragraph before they're naked. After, Ana tells him she has a job.

"'Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?' he teases.

'You don't know?'

He shakes his head, frowning. 'Why would I know?'

'With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have . . .' I trail off as his face falls.

'Anastasia, I wouldn't dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.' He looks wounded." -- what a manipulative fuck.

They have sex again, and eat dinner. Once dinner is over, Christian tells her he wants her in his playroom in 15 minutes for MORE SEX. Kneeling in just her underwear, Ana contemplates Christian.

"The man is insatiable, or maybe all men are like him. I have no idea, no one to compare him to. Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She's there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess." -- We're up to four separate entities now, in case anyone was keeping track.

Christian walks in, and Ana's many personalities are excited.

"He's naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone. Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm." -- What about your inner sub?? How's she feeling? Inquiring minds want to know!

Christian walks to a chest and removes items from it. It takes all of her self control not to look, and soon he's standing in front of her.

"When he finishes what he's doing, he comes to stand in front of me. I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of them . . . run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes. Holy shit." 

He tells Ana to stand and asks her to tell him what the safe words are - I guess they'll be important later. She's bizarrely offended at him asking.

"And I can't help it . . . I raise my eyebrow at him and am about to remind him of my GPA, but the sudden frosty glint in his icy gray eyes stops me in my tracks." -- Does ELJ even know what GPAs measure? Like.... this is the equivalent of being asked if you remembered to take the garbage out and responding with, "Please. I had a 4.0 GPA." No one cares about your GPA. It's a pretty useless statistic and I can't think of a situation where it is MORE useless than in the middle of sex. Christian isn't going to get off on descriptions of your transcripts. No one uses their first B as dirty talk. I hate you.

They have sex for the next 8 pages. Christian has tied her at the wrists and ankles to the bed, blindfolded her, and given her headphones through which loud "ancient hymnal" music is playing. She can neither see him, hear him, nor physically fight him off and I just don't think I'm at the stage in this relationship where I'm willing accept this level of trust. As you'd expect, Christian expertly tailors the carnal experience to the rise and fall of the music, and Ana's consciousness abandons her (no seriously, "As my consciousness returns from wherever it's been...."). 

Chapter 26

We begin this chapter with Ana waking up suddenly in the night.

"Something has woken me, some nagging thought. I glance over at the alarm clock on his bedside. It is five in the morning, but I feel rested. Why is that? Oh - it's the time difference - it would be eight a.m. in Georgia. Holy crap . . . I need to take my pill." -- You were in Georgia for like 3 days???????? Also what the fuck happened to the alarm on your phone that reminds you to take your pill? Was that just there so you could blush over having to discuss contraception with the guy you're fucking?

She hears music and wanders out into the "great room" to find Christian playing the piano. It's sad and he looks troubled. Ana walks over and sits on the piano stool with him. He wants to have sex (again), but she wants to talk. She brings up that she still hasn't signed the contract (this book literally has 18 pages left but whatever), and he tells her he thinks the contract is basically moot at this point. He wanted her to sign the contract before more happened, but now that it has, he just wants her to follow the rules on her own volition... and if she doesn't, he'll still smack her around. So. I'm not totally sure what exactly has changed, but okay.

"'And if I break one of the Rules?'

'Then I'll punish you.'

'But won't you need my permission?'

'Yes, I will.'

'And if I say no?'

He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.

'If you say no, you'll say no. I'll have to find a way to persuade you.'" -- *screams from the rooftops NO DOES NOT MEAN PERSUADE MEEEEEEE*

She tells Christian she needs to read the rules again, so he goes and gets them for her. She is amused to be told that "the obedience thing still stands", and rolls her eyes at him. This is a problem because he's told her a few times now that when she does that, he wants to hit her. So she runs from him. She tries turning it into a game of cat and mouse, but it doesn't really work.

"'Anyone would think you didn't want me to catch you.'

'I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.'

His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I've slapped him. He's ashen.

........

'You hate it that much?' he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.

'Well . . . no,' I reassure him. Jeez - that's how he feels about people touching him? 'No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it.'" -- then you obviously don't feel the same way about punishment that he does about being touched. 

He tells her that he won't tell her why he wants to hurt her so much - there is a reason, but he's afraid she'd leave him if she knew. Not gonna lie, I feel like he'd have a better shot at keeping her if he just told her instead of actually hitting her on the next page, but hey, what do I know? Ana tells him she wants to know how bad the punishment can be and then they'll both find out whether she can handle it or not. He spends the next page beating her with a belt. Unsurprisingly, Ana is not pleased when the ordeal is over.

"'Don't touch me!' I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he's watching me as if I might bolt, eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him. 

'This is what you really like? Me, like this?' I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.

He gazes at me warily.

'Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.'" -- he's only been telling you that for like 500 pages but sure, we'll all pretend you figured it out on your own. 

She goes to her room and cries on her bed. Soon, she's joined by Christian. He asks her not to hate him, and she tells him she's fallen in love with him. He's horrified. He tells her it's wrong for her to love him, so she says she should go since there's no longer a reason for her to stay. She showers, gets dressed, packs her things, and leaves Christian the electronics he'd given her. Taylor tells her he'll get the car to take her home and she cries on the way there. Once home, she goes to her room and continues to cry.

"Grief. This is grief - and I've brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lips contorted in a snarl . . . the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor's handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief."

Well, that was exhausting. The blog will continue with Fifty Shades Darker very soon.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 and 24

Chapter 23
I know, I know. I left you on an incredible cliffhanger when Christian surprised literally no one by violating Ana's wishes to get away from him for a few days and showed up in Georgia, but fear not! In this extra special instalment, you get TWO chapters for the price of one. Mostly because there are basically only three pages of actual plot in one chapter, the rest filled with lots of moaning and writhing and proclamations to deities. Aside from those three pages, my general reaction to the chapter as a whole is basically

But, as I mentioned, three pages of plot do exist, so here we go. 

General shock ensues when Christian approaches Ana - both because she can't believe the asshole is actually there, and also because her mother can't keep her eyes off of him. She's worried, mostly, because she went on a rant about Mrs. Robinson and thinks he might be angry, but thankfully, he can't beat her senseless in front of her mother. Well. He could. But he won't.

Ana's mother, Carla, invites Christian to stay for a drink, and he can't put his pretentiousness aside long enough to not make a mess of his drink order.

"'I'll have a gin and tonic,' Christian says. 'Hendricks if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.'"

So, Christian sits and the tension is palpable. Ana is pretty sure Christian wants to beat the life out of her, so that's awkward. But also, her mother won't stop staring at Christian, making things more weird. Carla goes to the bathroom, and Christian tries to have a conversation with Ana that will take much longer than the average woman takes to pee. But obviously it's her fault. 

"'So, you're mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.' Christian turns his burning, wary gaze to me, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing each knuckle gently.

...........

'Anastasia, your mother will be back shortly. I'm not comfortable talking about this right now.'" -- who's fucking fault is that??

She doesn't want to talk about it. Seriously though, what's up with her neck?

Ana asks Christian if he loved Elena, and he doesn't answer. Instead, he says goodbye and retreats to his room. Ana's mom convinces her that she needs to go to his room and talk things out, which is adorable because no talking ever gets done in this relationship. She goes anyway, and as expected, we're "treated" to about 12 pages of uncomfortable, 'let me just yank your tampon out for you' sex. Afterwards, lying in bed and staring deeply and romantically into each others eyes, Christian tells Ana he's paid for sex. 

"'All submissives in training, when I was training. There are places in and around Seattle that one can go and practice. Learn to do what I do,' he says..

What?

'Oh.' I blink at him.

'Yep, I've paid for sex, Anastasia.'"

They go to sleep shortly after this. 

Chapter 24

I made a mistake because this chapter is 30 pages but I'm committed so here we go.

We join Ana mid-dream, and she's being fed strawberries by Christian. 

"Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet are mouthwateringly naked (ew?), and he's staring at me. His private-joke smile is etched on his beautiful face and his eyes a molten gray."

She keeps reaching for the strawberry but it's always out of her reach. Christian wakes her up and she throws a small tantrum about how early it is. She says she was dreaming of him and recounts the details, to which he responds that Dr. Flynn, his therapist, would have a 'field day' with her. He tells her to get up and get dressed - no time to shower - and she is displeased. She gets up and asks again if she can shower.

"'Can't I have a shower?'

'If you have a shower, I'll want one with you, and you and I know what will happen - the day will just go. Come.'" -- I mean... are you totally incapable of acting on your baser instincts? You know you need to leave soon. Just let her close the door and shower for fuck sake.

Ana relents and goes on a hunt for her clothes. She finds them on a chair, along with a pair of Christian's underwear. She muses that it's one more thing she can add to her collection of material items that remind her of Christian, and her mind wanders.

"I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene. It evokes my dream. To hell with Dr. Flynn - Freud would have a field day - and then he'd probably die trying to deal with Fifty Shades." -- I get it... you nicknamed him Fifty Shades and your book about sex is called Fifty Shades. SYMBOLISM.

They leave Christian's hotel, and clamber into his shiny rental car. Christian turns on some music.

"'What's this?' I ask as the sweet, sweet sound of a hundred violin strings assails us. 

'It's from La Traviata. An opera by Verdi.'

Oh, my . . . it's lovely.

'La Traviata? I've heard of that. I can't think where. What does it mean?'

Christian glances at me and smirks.

'Well, literally, 'the woman led astray.' It's based on Alexandre Dumas's book, La Dame aux Camelias.'

'Ah. I've read it.'" -- No one believes you.

Ana goes on to wonder if Christian is trying to tell her something - which he is, because every decision he makes in regards to their relationship is calculated to ensure maximum manipulation - and comments that it's a depressing story. 

"'Too depressing? Do you want to choose some music? This is on my iPod.' Christian has that secret smile again.

I can't see his iPod anywhere. he taps the screen on the console between us, and behold - there is a playlist."

Modern technology is an amazing thing.

She settles on Toxic, by Britney Spears, which is somehow significant. Christian mentions he didn't put that song on his iPod, rather, his ex, Leila, did. Ana is flung into a whirlwind of curiosity and tries and fails to casually ask about Leila. Their relationship didn't work out because she wanted more, and Christian didn't. Ana presses on about the other women he's been with, and discovers that Christian has had four long-term relationships. She wants to know more.

"'So the other four, what happened?' I ask.

'One met someone else. The other three wanted - more. I wasn't in the market for more then.'

'And the others?' I press.

He glances at me briefly and just shakes his head. 

'Just didn't work out.'

Whoa, a bucketload of information to process." -- Yeah, I can see how "I've had relationships and they ended for various reasons" would just boggle your tiny little mind. So much information. Congratulations on having your head still attached to your body. 

They arrive at an airfield, and Christian tells her his plan to take her soaring. It's a small, two person plane, and Ana, Ana's subconscious, and Ana's inner goddess are all terrified. But eventually, they're in the air and Christian is piloting the plane with ease (obviously, he can do anything). They fly around for a while - Christian even lets Ana control the plane for a few life-endangering seconds - and soon they're back on the ground, having landed in the middle of a field. They get back in the car, and the alarm on Ana's phone goes off.

"'What's that?' Christian asks, curious, glancing at me. 

I fumble in my purse for the packet.

'Alarm for my pill,' I mutter as my cheeks flush." -- If you can't talk about birth control without blushing, you're not ready to have sex. 

They go to IHOP and continue to be disgusting.

"'I know what I want,' he breathes, his voice low and husky. (is it because of the cheesecake pancakes? it is, isn't it?)

I glance up at him, and he's staring at me in that way that tightens all the muscles in my belly and takes my breath away, his eyes dark and smoldering. Holy shit. I gaze at him, my blood singing in my veins, answering his call.

'I want what you want,' I whisper.

He inhales sharply. 

'Here?' he asks suggestively, raising an eyebrow at me, smiling wickedly, his teeth trapping the tip of his tongue. 

Oh my . . . sex in IHOP." -- PROTECT THE PANCAKES AT ALL COSTS

They order their food and eat, managing to hold it together long enough to not violate any health codes or defenceless pancakes, and leave. 

"Of course he doesn't ask me for my mother's address. He knows it already, stalker that he is. When he pulls up outside the house, I don't comment. What's the point?" 

She asks if Christian would like to come inside, but in order to keep up his pretence of being on a very important business meeting wow what a coincidence, he must decline.

"I ignore the unwelcome stab of disappointment. Why do I want to spend every single minute with this controlling sex god? Oh yes, I've fallen in love with him, and he can fly." -- what the actual fuck.

Ana goes inside, where her mother is busy preparing dinner (I guess I missed the part where they're having Christian over later? Also Ana just had breakfast? What time is it?), and Ana is worried because she's not a very good cook. She emails Christian and thanks him for taking her out before returning to see what her mother has planned.

"My mom has decided on gazpacho soup and a barbecue with steaks marinated in olive oil, garlic, and lemon. Christian likes meat, and it's simple to do. Bob has volunteered to man the BBQ grill. What is it about men and fire?" -- Didn't you just say your mom isn't a good cook? Also is Bob not allowed to help? Maybe he doesn't know how to make gazpacho??? Jesus, Ana.

Ana and her mother go to the grocery store and Ana gets a call from one of the interviews she did before she left. She's been offered a job - assistant to Mr. Jack Hyde - and she starts on Monday. She also notices she has a missed call from Christian. Anxious, she calls him back. A situation has come up back in Seattle, and he needs to fly back and will miss dinner.

"'I have a situation that I have to deal with. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll send Taylor to collect you from the airport if I can't come myself.' He sounds cold. Angry even. But for the first time, I don't immediately think it's me.

'Okay. I hope you sort out your situation. Have a safe flight.'

'You too, baby,' he breathes, and with those words, my Christian is back. Then he hangs up.

Oh no. The last "situation" he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it's nothing like that." -- LITERALLY HOW COULD IT BE ANYTHING EVEN KIND OF LIKE THAT?????? Also, if you immediately assume you've done something wrong every time your boyfriend is upset, it's time to get a new fucking boyfriend.

Ana emails Christian (again) to check that he got back to Seattle safe which leads to predictable and boring back and forth. She comments to herself that he is "Fifty shades of exasperating." - there's that symbolism again - and the chapter ends.