Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 22

After being super bitchy about being upgraded to first class, it turns out Ana doesn't really mind being pampered. She comments on the fact that the first class lounge has 'many redeeming features', which is good, because otherwise what the hell are you paying thousands of dollars for?
"With each sip of Moet, I feel slightly more inclined to forgive Christian and his intervention. I open up my MacBook, hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet." -- .... is that the theory? I mean, assuming you've charged it, I can't imagine why it wouldn't work... oh, you were talking about the internet. Interesting. Because THAT certainly does not work anywhere on the planet. BUT IT PROBABLY FUCKING DOES IN A FIRST CLASS LOUNGE. Also, you're able to test a theory without succeeding. So. That you *hope* to test the theory is irrelevant. It will be tested whether you like it or not.

The beginning of this chapter is largely reliant on various emails exchanged between Ana and Christian, so I'll simply summarise . She sends an email to Christian, explaining that she's alarmed he knew what flight she was on, and thanking him for the upgrade. She also mentions she's had a massage, which was a stupid thing to do. He emails back, asking who was massaging her. She decides to be a super bitch about it and tells hims "a very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed.". Christian is furious and responds, but not before ELJ forces Ana to make yet another ridiculous comment.
"Serves him right. If I'd been in the ordinary departure lounge (this is literally called the gate. ordinary people don't get *lounges*), then Jean-Paul wouldn't have gotten his hands on me. He was a very nice young man, in a blond, perma-tanned way - honestly, who has a tan in Seattle? It's just so wrong." -- except that if Jean-Paul is French, as his name suggests, it's likely that he can't fucking help the tan, whether he's from Seattle or not. Maybe that's just his skin. Also, even if he's normally white as a sheet, why is that any of your business? LOTS of people in Seattle have tans. Particularly in June. Contrary to what ELJ seems to think, Seattle doesn't exist in perpetual darkness.

Anyway, back to the emails. Ana checks her phone as the plane is taxiing, which we all know you're not supposed to do. Christian's newest email is furious, and he tells her that the next time she deliberately winds him up, she'll "be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate." I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's like... suuuuuuper illegal. She responds and apologises, and he chastises her for "risking the life of everyone on board, including herself". Relax, dude. The pilot isn't going to lose the runway. They're still on the ground.

The emails stop and Ana goes to sleep. Once in the Atlanta airport, she decides to write a long email to Christian. Lots of topics are covered, including: how she doesn't like it when he spends money on her (it makes her feel like a prostitute); Jean-Paul is gay (surprise!); the crate comment scared her; she's caught up in everything but then he writes things like that and she wants "to run screaming into the hills"; she won't run screaming into the hills because she would miss him; she's scared of the dark path he's leading her down; she's scared he'll hurt her; she wants to be with him but she doesn't know how to be submissive but she'll try; she's happy he'll try too; she's worried that if she can't be submissive, he'll beat the shit out of her (accurate); he dazzles her when they're together, which is why she's going to Georgia.

It's beginning to seem like their entire relationship is based on her being afraid of Christian. Healthy. Anyway, she arrives in Savannah, and is greeted by her mother and Bob. She hugs her mom and bursts into tears, which is totally not suggestive of her deteriorating mental state. Bob offers to take her backpack but quickly regrets it because it appears her Mac is literally an entire desktop and not the tiny 3-pound laptops they've been making forever.

They go to the beach, and Ana's mom tries to get information on Christian. Obviously Ana has signed a non-disclosure agreement so she can't talk about him in any great detail, but also, I don't think the conversation would be cheerful for long if she came out and said she's managed to get herself into an overwhelmingly suffocating and abusive relationship in the span of 2 weeks. She tells her mom that he's gorgeous and a little difficult and her mom delivers some sage advice.

"'Men aren't really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they've said, when really it's obvious. If I were you, I'd take him literally. That might help.'

I gape at her. This sounds like good advice. Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the thing's he's said spring into my mind.

I don't want to lose you . . . 

You've bewitched me . . . 

You've completely beguiled me . . . 

I'll miss you, too . . . more than you know . . ." -- I mean, sure. It's probably true that he meant all of this stuff. But on the other hand, didn't he just threaten to tie you up and throw you into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane? Let's not pick and choose the things we get to take literally here. He isn't The Bible. 

Ana's mom continues to give her generic advice, and they go for lunch. Back home, Ana settles in to the house.

"My mother has disappeared to mold some candles or whatever she does with them, and Bob is at work, so I have time to catch up on some sleep. I open the Mac and fire it up." -- I don't know if anyone's told you this, but that's pretty much the opposite of sleep.

There's an email from Christian and it's super long, so I'll again attempt to summarise. He's annoyed that she doesn't communicate her feelings to his face, but needs to send an email to explain how she's feeling. He's annoyed that she's annoyed that he spends money on her. He's annoyed that she feels like a prostitute because he definitely doesn't see her that way. He considers making her an appointment with his therapist to sort out her self-esteem issues. He's annoyed that she thought he was serious about throwing her, bound and gagged, into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane - obviously he'd never put her in a crate. He "reminds" her (though he's never mentioned this before) that in their relationship, it's the sub who has all the power because she holds the safe words and he can't touch her if she says no... which isn't totally true, but we've been over that. He's caught in her spell. He totally tried to stay away from her. Totally. 100%. He wants her to be honest with him. Because honesty is important. Which is why he definitely told her about his surprise trip to Georgia. Oh wait.  He will try to give her the space she needs and stay away from her while she's in Georgia. What an incredible lie.

Ana gets all sappy about the email - he really has a way with words - and admits for the first time in print that she loves him. 

Waking up from her nap and getting ready to go to dinner, Ana checks her email. There's nothing new from Christian, so she emails him to tell him she's going to dinner and that she misses him. There are a lot of emails back and forth here, and I'm just going to give you the subject lines because really, that's more than any of us need.

- Verbose?

- Your Behind

- Eye Rolling

- Your Behind 

- Chastising . . . Me?

- Your Behind (I feel like Christian has a very specific subject on his mind.)

- NC-17

- Careful what you wish for . . . 

- Panting

- Groaning

- Moaning

- Moaning

Ana runs downstairs and her mother asks if she's alright. She looks flushed. Because email subject lines are super hot, man. Her mom inquires about her dress (it's Kate's), and she's panicked for an answer. Apparently "I borrowed it" just isn't convincing enough. 

They get back from dinner, which I assume was uneventful because ELJ didn't actually write anything, and Ana takes a shower. While "cooling off under the lukewarm water" (a STUPID decision because you're just going to make yourself hotter), she considers her mother's love life and her sudden ability to give advice.

"Bob is a keeper. And she's giving me good advice. When did that start happening? Since I met Christian. Why is that?" -- I'm just gonna take a stab in the dark here, but probably because your judgement should be seriously questioned.

She emails with Christian for a while again, and he says he has to go as he's having dinner with an old friend. Dun DUn DUN! Ana is furiously jealous that he's probably having dinner with Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and she goes off on a long tirade about how she's a child molester and how they're probably having gross sex right in the restaurant as she thinks these thoughts. She's so upset about the imaginary scenarios she's created, that she jumps onto Google in search of any and all women with whom he's appeared in public. Finding only herself in photos with Christian, she sends a final email before going to bed asking if he had dinner with Mrs. Robinson.

"Part of me is desperate to know more, and another part wants to forget he ever told me. And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." -- Uhm. What? Do you have some kind of magic pill that stops your period? Because you're supposed to have a period on birth control. Like. You take the hormone pill for 3 weeks and then stop for a week specifically so this can happen. Granted this was written by the same woman who thinks a full gynaecological exam is required to be put on birth control, so why am I surprised?

The next day, Ana and her mother go to a bar in an upscale hotel. She's had 2 cosmos, her mother has had her third. Talk is on Ana's love life, and how she seems lost and confused, and how her mom thought she and Jose would get together. Her mother excuses herself to the bathroom, and Ana checks her phone to find a message from Christian confirming that he had dinner with Elena. She's angry and her scalp prickles in angry-ness.

"How could he? I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch." -- calm your tits, darling.

She responds to his email with some inflammatory remarks about Christian's old friend, and signals to the bartender that they'd like more drinks. Her mother turns away for a moment and she checks her email to find the following ridiculously creepy response.

"'This is not something I wish to discuss via e-mail.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?'

Holy fuck, he's here." 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 21

Apologies for my prolonged absence. Grad school happened, and I was forced to blog for a class which turned me off to this whole thing and then once I decided to start again, it was so much worse than I remembered it and well. This is the newest post, nearly 4 months in the making.

When we left Ana and Christian, Ana was just drifting off to sleep on a pillow of sloppy narration.
"And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old gray-eyed boy in a dark scary, miserable place." -- sure.

It's morning now, and Ana is reluctantly "succumbing to wakefulness". She's upset because the sun is shining in through the window, and sun was not what she had in mind when she decided to fall in love with a man from Seattle, dammit.

Sorry, Ana. You must be at least this cute to whine this much.

She lies in bed and ponders Christian's apartment. She considers the art he hangs, and the fact that it's so high up, and then frowns because none of that explains why she can't touch him. Because he's not allowed to just say 'no.' Good job, ELJ. At least you're treating them equally. She then considers how the apartment makes her feel. 

"I shudder to think what he went through as a small child, and I understand why he lives here, isolated, surrounded by beautiful, precious works of art - so far removed from where he started . . . mission statement indeed. I frown because it still doesn't explain why I can't touch him.

Ironically, I feel the same up here in his lofty tower. I'm adrift from reality. I'm in this fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend, when the grim reality is he wants a special arrangement, though he's said he'll try more. What does that actually mean? This is what I need to clarify between us to see if we are still at opposite ends on the seesaw or if we are inching closer together." -- I really hate you.

She gets out of bed to go in search of Christian, and finds she's sore. Guess she'll be needing that personal trainer after all. She runs into Mrs. Jones, Christian's housekeeper, and inquires as to his whereabouts. He's in his study. He's having a very important business call but blows it off as soon as he sees Ana. He also cancels all of his appointments for the morning and tells his secretary he won't be in until 2. As he hangs up the phone, Ana walks into the study. They kiss, and because ELJ really likes writing boring and inaccurate erotica, they have sex again - but this time it's different.

"This is not making love, this fucking - a I love it. I groan. It's so raw, so carnal, making me so wanton. I revel in his possession, his lust slaking mine. He moves with ease, luxuriating in me, enjoying me, his lips slightly parted as his breathing increases. He twists his hips from side to side, and the feeling is exquisite."

"And he picks up the pace, thrusting faster . . . harder . . . and my whole body is moving to his rhythm, and I can feel my legs stiffening, and my insides quivering and quickening." -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Sex ends in yet another incredible orgasm ("I cry out a wordless, passionate plea as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, back to a breathless, bright summit on Earth." - literally, what?), and Christian is beguiled.

"You completely beguile me, Ana. (see?) You weave some powerful magic." -- never mind that she's actually the most vapid woman walking this fictional planet. 

He asks her if she has to go to Georgia and she says yes, prompting a mood shift in Christian. He's be, as Ana so eloquently puts it, more weird than usual. He tells her he's surprised by her, that's all. I don't know why. And as Ana goes to have a shower, she is left to contemplate his strange reaction.

"He seemed confused. Why? I have to say as physical experiences go, that was very satisfying. But emotionally - well, I'm rattled by his reaction, and that was about as emotionally enriching as cotton candy is nutritious." -- WHAT

Frowny face courtesy of yours truly.

While in the shower, Ana consults her other personalities to see if they have an opinion about Christian's mood.

"I look to my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a glue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of postcoital glow. No - we're all clueless." -- YOU'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON

"I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian's one and only hair implement, and put my hair up in a bun." -- If you cut out the useless and ridiculous 'comb it through with Christian's only hair implement', you literally have "I towel-dry my hair and put my hair up in a bun." This is not how writing is supposed to work.

She exits the bathroom, marvels at Christian's housekeeper's adept use of the laundry room, and gets dressed. Once in the kitchen, she tries to only drink tea and not eat anything, but Christian, kind soul that he is, tells Mrs. Jones to make two completely separate breakfasts for the two of them. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs for Ana, and an omelette with fruit for himself. Talk turns to Ana's impending trip to Georgia.

"'Have you bought your air ticket?' (her what?)

'No, I'll buy it when I get home - over the Internet.'

He leans on his elbow, rubbing his chin.

'Do you have the money?'

Oh no. 

'Yes,' I say with mock patience as if I'm talking to a small child." -- We've already been over why you absolutely do not have the money to fund this last minute, cross country trip, but in case you've forgotten, at the end of spring, flight prices go up due to the increase in travel. You are a recent college graduate and have lamented your lack of funding on numerous occasions. I seriously doubt you have $1000+ lying around to pay for this.

Christian offers her the use of his private jet, which she declines. He asks if she needs to do much preparation for her interview (she doesn't), and once again brings up that he doesn't know for which publishing house she's interviewing. She says she still won't tell him and he delivers a thinly veiled threat to track her phone - again. Then, breakfast is over.

"After clearing the pans, tactfully, [Mrs. Jones] heads out of the living area. I peek up at him.

'What is it, Anastasia?'

'You know, you never did tell me why you don't like to be touched.'"

Again??

He tells her he's confided more in her than in anyone else, and she is shocked to learn that he apparently doesn't have any close friends. He asks that she think about their arrangement while she's away, and tells her he'll miss her. Her heart warms and the scene changes abruptly.

Ana is now waiting on her second interview of the day, and is sitting on a leather couch. She flushes at her wayward and inappropriate thoughts (Christian has a similar couch in his playroom...) and returns a smile from the receptionist. She's booked her flight, packed, alerted her mother, and arranged her transportation to the airport (Kate). 

"Christian has ordered me to take my BlackBerry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize now that's just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me. Yet he's so unpredictably and disarmingly agreeable, too. He can be tender, good-humored, even sweet. And when he is, it's so left field and unexpected." -- these are not traits you should covet in a relationship.

We get about a page and a half detailing her interview, mostly concerning the interviewer and how certain things he says or does remind her of Christian. She arrives home, and is greeted by Kate, who also, somehow, does something that reminds her of "my favorite Fifty Shades." Kate asks Ana if she's okay, finally filling the 'best friend' role into which she's been cast, and they talk for a bit about Ana's feelings and how she hasn't revealed them to Christian. Kate leaves to get Chinese food, and Ana sends an email to Christian. They go back and forth for a time about all the great sex they have, and then, mercifully, Kate is back. They eat, and she drops Ana off at the airport.

"'Ticket, please?' The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.

Mirroring his boredom, I handover my ticket and my driver's license as ID. I am hoping for a window seat if at all possible.

'Okay, Miss Steele. You've been upgraded to first class.' 

.........

'Surely there's some mistake.'

'No, no.' He checks his computer screen again. 'Anastasia Steele - upgrade.' He simpers.

Ugh. I narrow my eyes. He hands me my boarding pass, and I head toward the first class lounge muttering under my breath. Damn Christian Grey, interfering control freak - he just can't leave well enough alone." -- of ALL the things Christian does, a first class upgrade is not the thing I'd choose to complain about.