A New Beginning: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 1

Welcome to the first instalment of Fifty Shades Darker, the second in ELJ's attempted-bdsm-but-really-got-all-her-info-from-Wikipedia-and-inadvertently-wrote-one-of-the-most-mainstream-abusive-relationships-but-still-tries-to-pass-it-off-as-erotica trilogy.

The book opens bizarrely with a page of prologue written from Christian's perspective - clearly foreshadowing to her future publishing endeavours. Christian is dreaming of his mother being beaten with a belt (like father (or random male figure) like son, I guess), and wakes up frightened. His nightmares are back, which probably has something to do with Ana leaving. I don't know why this is important.

Ana has survived "Day Three Post-Christian" and has started her new job. Her boss is a guy called Jack Hyde, and I can't figure out if that's just ELJ's way of trying to hint that maybe he'll be a Jekyll-and-Hyde-type-character (spoilers) or if I'm giving her waaaay too much credit. Ana finishes her first day unremarkably and ponders as she returns home.

"The apartment is empty. I miss Kate, and I imagine her lying on a beach in Barbados sipping a cool cocktail. I turn on the flat-screen television so there's noise to fill the vacuum and provide some semblance of company, but I don't listen or watch. I sit and stare blankly at the brick wall. I am numb. I feel nothing but the pain. How long must I endure this?" -- I mean... probably at least until you realise that being numb and feeling pain are two totally separate things?

"And so a pattern develops: wake, work, cry, sleep. Well, try to sleep. I can't even escape him in my dreams. Gray burning eyes, his lost look, his hair burnished and bright all haunt me. And the music . . . so much music - I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.

I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don't have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want non of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that's me. I can interact impersonally at work, but that's it. If I talk to Mom, I know I will break even further - and I have nothing left to break."

Then, one day, after surviving for an entire 3 days and 4 nights on coffee and diet coke (her words, not mine), she receives an email at work. It's from Christian, asking if she got the flowers he sent her as a congratulations for starting her job - which is a shitty thing to do if she just dumped you for beating her but fine. He then offers to drive her to Jose's gallery opening in Portland which, again, feels like a dick move. Immediately after reading the email she starts to cry and runs to the bathroom. While there she realises that she's not heard from anyone because she's been having all of her calls forwarded to the BlackBerry that Christian gave her and that she gave back, so he's been randomly getting all of them. She wonders for a while how he got her email address and decides that if he got her shoe size, there's no hiding anything from him, so this is completely normal. She responds to his email that she'd appreciate a ride, calls Jose to find out what time she should be there, and emails Christian again with this information. That night, she has a restless sleep.

"The day drags and drags and Jack is unusually attentive. I suspect it's due to Kate's plum dress and the black high-heeled boots I've stolen from her closet, but I don't dwell on the thought. I resolve to go clothes shopping with my first paycheck. The dress is looser on me than it was, but I pretend not to notice." -- Not sure if I should start with the obviously creepy boss or the fact that she's been starving herself, but this whole thing is fucked up. Also??? If Ana is supposed to be so plain and unassuming, why does it feel like every man in every city she happens to visit wants to bang her?

It's 5:30, and Ana leaves work after being awkwardly ushered out by her creepy new boss. Taylor is waiting and she gets into the car to find Christian. He's angry because she's lost weight and even though she left him, this is still his business. They arrive at Christian's building and get into the elevator to make their way to his helicopter. The sexual tension is palpable.

"'Please don't bite your lip, Anastasia,' he whispers.

I gaze up at him, releasing my lip. I want him. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not?

'You know what it does to me,' he murmurs.

Oh, I still affect him." -- IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS OF COURSE YOU STILL AFFECT HIM YOU DOORKNOB HE DIDN'T DUMP YOU BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU WERE UNATTRACTIVE YOU CRAZY PERSON, YOU LEFT HIM - ps he still wants to smack you around so maybe it was for the best

They get into the helicopter and begin their flight to Portland. In the car on the way to the opening, Christian tells Ana that she's lost weight and that's a no-no because he wants her back. Conveniently, this admission comes as they pull up to the gallery, so Christian tells her they'll talk about it later. Ana recognises that the area is too public for this conversation (after all, he'd probably get arrested for hitting her in public), and decides to let it go. Christian takes her hand - I don't know why that's okay - and leads her into the gallery.

Christian goes off to get drinks and Jose spots Ana.

"'How did you get here?' he asks.

'Christian brought me,' I say, suddenly apprehensive.

'Oh.' Jose's face falls and he releases me. 'Where is he?' His expression darkens.

'Over there, fetching drinks.' I nod in Christian's direction and notice that he's exchanging pleasantries with someone waiting in line. Christian glances up and our eyes lock. And in that brief moment, I'm paralyzed, staring at the impossibly handsome man who gazes at me with some unfathomable emotion. His gaze hot, burning into me, and we're lost for a moment staring at each other. 

Holy cow . . . This beautiful man wants me back, and deep down inside me sweet joy slowly unfurls like a morning glory in the early dawn." -- what the actual fuck

There are lots of photos at the show, and it turns out Jose is super talented. Then they turn a corner and come face to face with seven portraits of Ana. She's mortified and Christian buys them all because he 'doesn't want strangers ogling her in the privacy of their home.' The photos change the tone of the evening from fun to serious when Christian remarks that he never sees her as relaxed as she is in the portraits and we as readers realise that he's literally the only person who doesn't understand why. 

Christian decides it's time to leave even though they haven't even been there an hour, and Ana says goodbye to Jose. Knowing it will make Christian jealous, she wraps her arms around Jose's neck. Christian glares at her and nearly drags her out of the gallery. Once outside, he pulls her into an alley and pushes her against a wall, which seems safe and totally like something she should be okay with.

They kiss a lot, and Ana has desire exploding within her "like the Fourth of July." 

"'You. Are. Mine,' he snarls, emphasizing each word. (except she's not, but go on) He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he's run a marathon. 'For the love of God, Ana.'

I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium. 

'I'm sorry,' I whisper once my breath has returned.

'You should be. I know what you were doing. Do you want the photographer, Anastasia? He obviously has feelings for you.'

I shake my head, guiltily. 'No. He's just a friend.'

'I have spent all my adult life trying to avoid any extreme emotion. Yet you . . . you bring out feelings in me that are completely alien. It's very . . . ' He frowns, grasping for the word. 'Unsettling.'

'I like control, Ana, and around you that just' - he stands, his gaze intense - 'evaporates.'" -- except it doesn't?? at all?????? that's why you dragged her away from her friend's big night?????? because you want to control her. you walnut.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 25 and 26: THE END

THE END IS HEREEEEE

Well, kind of. This will be the final post for Fifty Shades of Grey, but fear not! Fifty Shades Darker will commence in due time (probably tomorrow). Here we go!

Chapter 25

Ana leaves Georgia after a teary goodbye at the airport. She emails Christian on the plane and is concerned about the tone of his responses - clearly his "situation" isn't going well. As she relaxes into her first class accommodation, a thought strikes her. 

"I become aware that once again the only empty seat is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn't talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous - no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely." -- uhhh, have you met him?

Taylor picks Ana up from SeaTac and drives her back to Christian's place. She asks that he play soothing music on the way because she's nervous that she'll find Christian in a less than welcoming mood. 

"My inner goddess is hopeful for one type of mood; my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves." -- how many personalities can she have before it's a diagnosable condition?

She enters Christian's foyer, and it takes about a paragraph before they're naked. After, Ana tells him she has a job.

"'Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?' he teases.

'You don't know?'

He shakes his head, frowning. 'Why would I know?'

'With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have . . .' I trail off as his face falls.

'Anastasia, I wouldn't dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.' He looks wounded." -- what a manipulative fuck.

They have sex again, and eat dinner. Once dinner is over, Christian tells her he wants her in his playroom in 15 minutes for MORE SEX. Kneeling in just her underwear, Ana contemplates Christian.

"The man is insatiable, or maybe all men are like him. I have no idea, no one to compare him to. Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She's there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess." -- We're up to four separate entities now, in case anyone was keeping track.

Christian walks in, and Ana's many personalities are excited.

"He's naked except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone. Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm." -- What about your inner sub?? How's she feeling? Inquiring minds want to know!

Christian walks to a chest and removes items from it. It takes all of her self control not to look, and soon he's standing in front of her.

"When he finishes what he's doing, he comes to stand in front of me. I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of them . . . run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes. Holy shit." 

He tells Ana to stand and asks her to tell him what the safe words are - I guess they'll be important later. She's bizarrely offended at him asking.

"And I can't help it . . . I raise my eyebrow at him and am about to remind him of my GPA, but the sudden frosty glint in his icy gray eyes stops me in my tracks." -- Does ELJ even know what GPAs measure? Like.... this is the equivalent of being asked if you remembered to take the garbage out and responding with, "Please. I had a 4.0 GPA." No one cares about your GPA. It's a pretty useless statistic and I can't think of a situation where it is MORE useless than in the middle of sex. Christian isn't going to get off on descriptions of your transcripts. No one uses their first B as dirty talk. I hate you.

They have sex for the next 8 pages. Christian has tied her at the wrists and ankles to the bed, blindfolded her, and given her headphones through which loud "ancient hymnal" music is playing. She can neither see him, hear him, nor physically fight him off and I just don't think I'm at the stage in this relationship where I'm willing accept this level of trust. As you'd expect, Christian expertly tailors the carnal experience to the rise and fall of the music, and Ana's consciousness abandons her (no seriously, "As my consciousness returns from wherever it's been...."). 

Chapter 26

We begin this chapter with Ana waking up suddenly in the night.

"Something has woken me, some nagging thought. I glance over at the alarm clock on his bedside. It is five in the morning, but I feel rested. Why is that? Oh - it's the time difference - it would be eight a.m. in Georgia. Holy crap . . . I need to take my pill." -- You were in Georgia for like 3 days???????? Also what the fuck happened to the alarm on your phone that reminds you to take your pill? Was that just there so you could blush over having to discuss contraception with the guy you're fucking?

She hears music and wanders out into the "great room" to find Christian playing the piano. It's sad and he looks troubled. Ana walks over and sits on the piano stool with him. He wants to have sex (again), but she wants to talk. She brings up that she still hasn't signed the contract (this book literally has 18 pages left but whatever), and he tells her he thinks the contract is basically moot at this point. He wanted her to sign the contract before more happened, but now that it has, he just wants her to follow the rules on her own volition... and if she doesn't, he'll still smack her around. So. I'm not totally sure what exactly has changed, but okay.

"'And if I break one of the Rules?'

'Then I'll punish you.'

'But won't you need my permission?'

'Yes, I will.'

'And if I say no?'

He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.

'If you say no, you'll say no. I'll have to find a way to persuade you.'" -- *screams from the rooftops NO DOES NOT MEAN PERSUADE MEEEEEEE*

She tells Christian she needs to read the rules again, so he goes and gets them for her. She is amused to be told that "the obedience thing still stands", and rolls her eyes at him. This is a problem because he's told her a few times now that when she does that, he wants to hit her. So she runs from him. She tries turning it into a game of cat and mouse, but it doesn't really work.

"'Anyone would think you didn't want me to catch you.'

'I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.'

His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I've slapped him. He's ashen.

........

'You hate it that much?' he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.

'Well . . . no,' I reassure him. Jeez - that's how he feels about people touching him? 'No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it.'" -- then you obviously don't feel the same way about punishment that he does about being touched. 

He tells her that he won't tell her why he wants to hurt her so much - there is a reason, but he's afraid she'd leave him if she knew. Not gonna lie, I feel like he'd have a better shot at keeping her if he just told her instead of actually hitting her on the next page, but hey, what do I know? Ana tells him she wants to know how bad the punishment can be and then they'll both find out whether she can handle it or not. He spends the next page beating her with a belt. Unsurprisingly, Ana is not pleased when the ordeal is over.

"'Don't touch me!' I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he's watching me as if I might bolt, eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him. 

'This is what you really like? Me, like this?' I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.

He gazes at me warily.

'Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.'" -- he's only been telling you that for like 500 pages but sure, we'll all pretend you figured it out on your own. 

She goes to her room and cries on her bed. Soon, she's joined by Christian. He asks her not to hate him, and she tells him she's fallen in love with him. He's horrified. He tells her it's wrong for her to love him, so she says she should go since there's no longer a reason for her to stay. She showers, gets dressed, packs her things, and leaves Christian the electronics he'd given her. Taylor tells her he'll get the car to take her home and she cries on the way there. Once home, she goes to her room and continues to cry.

"Grief. This is grief - and I've brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lips contorted in a snarl . . . the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor's handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief."

Well, that was exhausting. The blog will continue with Fifty Shades Darker very soon.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 and 24

Chapter 23
I know, I know. I left you on an incredible cliffhanger when Christian surprised literally no one by violating Ana's wishes to get away from him for a few days and showed up in Georgia, but fear not! In this extra special instalment, you get TWO chapters for the price of one. Mostly because there are basically only three pages of actual plot in one chapter, the rest filled with lots of moaning and writhing and proclamations to deities. Aside from those three pages, my general reaction to the chapter as a whole is basically

But, as I mentioned, three pages of plot do exist, so here we go. 

General shock ensues when Christian approaches Ana - both because she can't believe the asshole is actually there, and also because her mother can't keep her eyes off of him. She's worried, mostly, because she went on a rant about Mrs. Robinson and thinks he might be angry, but thankfully, he can't beat her senseless in front of her mother. Well. He could. But he won't.

Ana's mother, Carla, invites Christian to stay for a drink, and he can't put his pretentiousness aside long enough to not make a mess of his drink order.

"'I'll have a gin and tonic,' Christian says. 'Hendricks if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.'"

So, Christian sits and the tension is palpable. Ana is pretty sure Christian wants to beat the life out of her, so that's awkward. But also, her mother won't stop staring at Christian, making things more weird. Carla goes to the bathroom, and Christian tries to have a conversation with Ana that will take much longer than the average woman takes to pee. But obviously it's her fault. 

"'So, you're mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.' Christian turns his burning, wary gaze to me, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing each knuckle gently.

...........

'Anastasia, your mother will be back shortly. I'm not comfortable talking about this right now.'" -- who's fucking fault is that??

She doesn't want to talk about it. Seriously though, what's up with her neck?

Ana asks Christian if he loved Elena, and he doesn't answer. Instead, he says goodbye and retreats to his room. Ana's mom convinces her that she needs to go to his room and talk things out, which is adorable because no talking ever gets done in this relationship. She goes anyway, and as expected, we're "treated" to about 12 pages of uncomfortable, 'let me just yank your tampon out for you' sex. Afterwards, lying in bed and staring deeply and romantically into each others eyes, Christian tells Ana he's paid for sex. 

"'All submissives in training, when I was training. There are places in and around Seattle that one can go and practice. Learn to do what I do,' he says..

What?

'Oh.' I blink at him.

'Yep, I've paid for sex, Anastasia.'"

They go to sleep shortly after this. 

Chapter 24

I made a mistake because this chapter is 30 pages but I'm committed so here we go.

We join Ana mid-dream, and she's being fed strawberries by Christian. 

"Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet are mouthwateringly naked (ew?), and he's staring at me. His private-joke smile is etched on his beautiful face and his eyes a molten gray."

She keeps reaching for the strawberry but it's always out of her reach. Christian wakes her up and she throws a small tantrum about how early it is. She says she was dreaming of him and recounts the details, to which he responds that Dr. Flynn, his therapist, would have a 'field day' with her. He tells her to get up and get dressed - no time to shower - and she is displeased. She gets up and asks again if she can shower.

"'Can't I have a shower?'

'If you have a shower, I'll want one with you, and you and I know what will happen - the day will just go. Come.'" -- I mean... are you totally incapable of acting on your baser instincts? You know you need to leave soon. Just let her close the door and shower for fuck sake.

Ana relents and goes on a hunt for her clothes. She finds them on a chair, along with a pair of Christian's underwear. She muses that it's one more thing she can add to her collection of material items that remind her of Christian, and her mind wanders.

"I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene. It evokes my dream. To hell with Dr. Flynn - Freud would have a field day - and then he'd probably die trying to deal with Fifty Shades." -- I get it... you nicknamed him Fifty Shades and your book about sex is called Fifty Shades. SYMBOLISM.

They leave Christian's hotel, and clamber into his shiny rental car. Christian turns on some music.

"'What's this?' I ask as the sweet, sweet sound of a hundred violin strings assails us. 

'It's from La Traviata. An opera by Verdi.'

Oh, my . . . it's lovely.

'La Traviata? I've heard of that. I can't think where. What does it mean?'

Christian glances at me and smirks.

'Well, literally, 'the woman led astray.' It's based on Alexandre Dumas's book, La Dame aux Camelias.'

'Ah. I've read it.'" -- No one believes you.

Ana goes on to wonder if Christian is trying to tell her something - which he is, because every decision he makes in regards to their relationship is calculated to ensure maximum manipulation - and comments that it's a depressing story. 

"'Too depressing? Do you want to choose some music? This is on my iPod.' Christian has that secret smile again.

I can't see his iPod anywhere. he taps the screen on the console between us, and behold - there is a playlist."

Modern technology is an amazing thing.

She settles on Toxic, by Britney Spears, which is somehow significant. Christian mentions he didn't put that song on his iPod, rather, his ex, Leila, did. Ana is flung into a whirlwind of curiosity and tries and fails to casually ask about Leila. Their relationship didn't work out because she wanted more, and Christian didn't. Ana presses on about the other women he's been with, and discovers that Christian has had four long-term relationships. She wants to know more.

"'So the other four, what happened?' I ask.

'One met someone else. The other three wanted - more. I wasn't in the market for more then.'

'And the others?' I press.

He glances at me briefly and just shakes his head. 

'Just didn't work out.'

Whoa, a bucketload of information to process." -- Yeah, I can see how "I've had relationships and they ended for various reasons" would just boggle your tiny little mind. So much information. Congratulations on having your head still attached to your body. 

They arrive at an airfield, and Christian tells her his plan to take her soaring. It's a small, two person plane, and Ana, Ana's subconscious, and Ana's inner goddess are all terrified. But eventually, they're in the air and Christian is piloting the plane with ease (obviously, he can do anything). They fly around for a while - Christian even lets Ana control the plane for a few life-endangering seconds - and soon they're back on the ground, having landed in the middle of a field. They get back in the car, and the alarm on Ana's phone goes off.

"'What's that?' Christian asks, curious, glancing at me. 

I fumble in my purse for the packet.

'Alarm for my pill,' I mutter as my cheeks flush." -- If you can't talk about birth control without blushing, you're not ready to have sex. 

They go to IHOP and continue to be disgusting.

"'I know what I want,' he breathes, his voice low and husky. (is it because of the cheesecake pancakes? it is, isn't it?)

I glance up at him, and he's staring at me in that way that tightens all the muscles in my belly and takes my breath away, his eyes dark and smoldering. Holy shit. I gaze at him, my blood singing in my veins, answering his call.

'I want what you want,' I whisper.

He inhales sharply. 

'Here?' he asks suggestively, raising an eyebrow at me, smiling wickedly, his teeth trapping the tip of his tongue. 

Oh my . . . sex in IHOP." -- PROTECT THE PANCAKES AT ALL COSTS

They order their food and eat, managing to hold it together long enough to not violate any health codes or defenceless pancakes, and leave. 

"Of course he doesn't ask me for my mother's address. He knows it already, stalker that he is. When he pulls up outside the house, I don't comment. What's the point?" 

She asks if Christian would like to come inside, but in order to keep up his pretence of being on a very important business meeting wow what a coincidence, he must decline.

"I ignore the unwelcome stab of disappointment. Why do I want to spend every single minute with this controlling sex god? Oh yes, I've fallen in love with him, and he can fly." -- what the actual fuck.

Ana goes inside, where her mother is busy preparing dinner (I guess I missed the part where they're having Christian over later? Also Ana just had breakfast? What time is it?), and Ana is worried because she's not a very good cook. She emails Christian and thanks him for taking her out before returning to see what her mother has planned.

"My mom has decided on gazpacho soup and a barbecue with steaks marinated in olive oil, garlic, and lemon. Christian likes meat, and it's simple to do. Bob has volunteered to man the BBQ grill. What is it about men and fire?" -- Didn't you just say your mom isn't a good cook? Also is Bob not allowed to help? Maybe he doesn't know how to make gazpacho??? Jesus, Ana.

Ana and her mother go to the grocery store and Ana gets a call from one of the interviews she did before she left. She's been offered a job - assistant to Mr. Jack Hyde - and she starts on Monday. She also notices she has a missed call from Christian. Anxious, she calls him back. A situation has come up back in Seattle, and he needs to fly back and will miss dinner.

"'I have a situation that I have to deal with. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll send Taylor to collect you from the airport if I can't come myself.' He sounds cold. Angry even. But for the first time, I don't immediately think it's me.

'Okay. I hope you sort out your situation. Have a safe flight.'

'You too, baby,' he breathes, and with those words, my Christian is back. Then he hangs up.

Oh no. The last "situation" he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it's nothing like that." -- LITERALLY HOW COULD IT BE ANYTHING EVEN KIND OF LIKE THAT?????? Also, if you immediately assume you've done something wrong every time your boyfriend is upset, it's time to get a new fucking boyfriend.

Ana emails Christian (again) to check that he got back to Seattle safe which leads to predictable and boring back and forth. She comments to herself that he is "Fifty shades of exasperating." - there's that symbolism again - and the chapter ends.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 22

After being super bitchy about being upgraded to first class, it turns out Ana doesn't really mind being pampered. She comments on the fact that the first class lounge has 'many redeeming features', which is good, because otherwise what the hell are you paying thousands of dollars for?
"With each sip of Moet, I feel slightly more inclined to forgive Christian and his intervention. I open up my MacBook, hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet." -- .... is that the theory? I mean, assuming you've charged it, I can't imagine why it wouldn't work... oh, you were talking about the internet. Interesting. Because THAT certainly does not work anywhere on the planet. BUT IT PROBABLY FUCKING DOES IN A FIRST CLASS LOUNGE. Also, you're able to test a theory without succeeding. So. That you *hope* to test the theory is irrelevant. It will be tested whether you like it or not.

The beginning of this chapter is largely reliant on various emails exchanged between Ana and Christian, so I'll simply summarise . She sends an email to Christian, explaining that she's alarmed he knew what flight she was on, and thanking him for the upgrade. She also mentions she's had a massage, which was a stupid thing to do. He emails back, asking who was massaging her. She decides to be a super bitch about it and tells hims "a very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed.". Christian is furious and responds, but not before ELJ forces Ana to make yet another ridiculous comment.
"Serves him right. If I'd been in the ordinary departure lounge (this is literally called the gate. ordinary people don't get *lounges*), then Jean-Paul wouldn't have gotten his hands on me. He was a very nice young man, in a blond, perma-tanned way - honestly, who has a tan in Seattle? It's just so wrong." -- except that if Jean-Paul is French, as his name suggests, it's likely that he can't fucking help the tan, whether he's from Seattle or not. Maybe that's just his skin. Also, even if he's normally white as a sheet, why is that any of your business? LOTS of people in Seattle have tans. Particularly in June. Contrary to what ELJ seems to think, Seattle doesn't exist in perpetual darkness.

Anyway, back to the emails. Ana checks her phone as the plane is taxiing, which we all know you're not supposed to do. Christian's newest email is furious, and he tells her that the next time she deliberately winds him up, she'll "be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate." I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's like... suuuuuuper illegal. She responds and apologises, and he chastises her for "risking the life of everyone on board, including herself". Relax, dude. The pilot isn't going to lose the runway. They're still on the ground.

The emails stop and Ana goes to sleep. Once in the Atlanta airport, she decides to write a long email to Christian. Lots of topics are covered, including: how she doesn't like it when he spends money on her (it makes her feel like a prostitute); Jean-Paul is gay (surprise!); the crate comment scared her; she's caught up in everything but then he writes things like that and she wants "to run screaming into the hills"; she won't run screaming into the hills because she would miss him; she's scared of the dark path he's leading her down; she's scared he'll hurt her; she wants to be with him but she doesn't know how to be submissive but she'll try; she's happy he'll try too; she's worried that if she can't be submissive, he'll beat the shit out of her (accurate); he dazzles her when they're together, which is why she's going to Georgia.

It's beginning to seem like their entire relationship is based on her being afraid of Christian. Healthy. Anyway, she arrives in Savannah, and is greeted by her mother and Bob. She hugs her mom and bursts into tears, which is totally not suggestive of her deteriorating mental state. Bob offers to take her backpack but quickly regrets it because it appears her Mac is literally an entire desktop and not the tiny 3-pound laptops they've been making forever.

They go to the beach, and Ana's mom tries to get information on Christian. Obviously Ana has signed a non-disclosure agreement so she can't talk about him in any great detail, but also, I don't think the conversation would be cheerful for long if she came out and said she's managed to get herself into an overwhelmingly suffocating and abusive relationship in the span of 2 weeks. She tells her mom that he's gorgeous and a little difficult and her mom delivers some sage advice.

"'Men aren't really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they've said, when really it's obvious. If I were you, I'd take him literally. That might help.'

I gape at her. This sounds like good advice. Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the thing's he's said spring into my mind.

I don't want to lose you . . . 

You've bewitched me . . . 

You've completely beguiled me . . . 

I'll miss you, too . . . more than you know . . ." -- I mean, sure. It's probably true that he meant all of this stuff. But on the other hand, didn't he just threaten to tie you up and throw you into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane? Let's not pick and choose the things we get to take literally here. He isn't The Bible. 

Ana's mom continues to give her generic advice, and they go for lunch. Back home, Ana settles in to the house.

"My mother has disappeared to mold some candles or whatever she does with them, and Bob is at work, so I have time to catch up on some sleep. I open the Mac and fire it up." -- I don't know if anyone's told you this, but that's pretty much the opposite of sleep.

There's an email from Christian and it's super long, so I'll again attempt to summarise. He's annoyed that she doesn't communicate her feelings to his face, but needs to send an email to explain how she's feeling. He's annoyed that she's annoyed that he spends money on her. He's annoyed that she feels like a prostitute because he definitely doesn't see her that way. He considers making her an appointment with his therapist to sort out her self-esteem issues. He's annoyed that she thought he was serious about throwing her, bound and gagged, into a crate in the cargo hold of a plane - obviously he'd never put her in a crate. He "reminds" her (though he's never mentioned this before) that in their relationship, it's the sub who has all the power because she holds the safe words and he can't touch her if she says no... which isn't totally true, but we've been over that. He's caught in her spell. He totally tried to stay away from her. Totally. 100%. He wants her to be honest with him. Because honesty is important. Which is why he definitely told her about his surprise trip to Georgia. Oh wait.  He will try to give her the space she needs and stay away from her while she's in Georgia. What an incredible lie.

Ana gets all sappy about the email - he really has a way with words - and admits for the first time in print that she loves him. 

Waking up from her nap and getting ready to go to dinner, Ana checks her email. There's nothing new from Christian, so she emails him to tell him she's going to dinner and that she misses him. There are a lot of emails back and forth here, and I'm just going to give you the subject lines because really, that's more than any of us need.

- Verbose?

- Your Behind

- Eye Rolling

- Your Behind 

- Chastising . . . Me?

- Your Behind (I feel like Christian has a very specific subject on his mind.)

- NC-17

- Careful what you wish for . . . 

- Panting

- Groaning

- Moaning

- Moaning

Ana runs downstairs and her mother asks if she's alright. She looks flushed. Because email subject lines are super hot, man. Her mom inquires about her dress (it's Kate's), and she's panicked for an answer. Apparently "I borrowed it" just isn't convincing enough. 

They get back from dinner, which I assume was uneventful because ELJ didn't actually write anything, and Ana takes a shower. While "cooling off under the lukewarm water" (a STUPID decision because you're just going to make yourself hotter), she considers her mother's love life and her sudden ability to give advice.

"Bob is a keeper. And she's giving me good advice. When did that start happening? Since I met Christian. Why is that?" -- I'm just gonna take a stab in the dark here, but probably because your judgement should be seriously questioned.

She emails with Christian for a while again, and he says he has to go as he's having dinner with an old friend. Dun DUn DUN! Ana is furiously jealous that he's probably having dinner with Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and she goes off on a long tirade about how she's a child molester and how they're probably having gross sex right in the restaurant as she thinks these thoughts. She's so upset about the imaginary scenarios she's created, that she jumps onto Google in search of any and all women with whom he's appeared in public. Finding only herself in photos with Christian, she sends a final email before going to bed asking if he had dinner with Mrs. Robinson.

"Part of me is desperate to know more, and another part wants to forget he ever told me. And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." -- Uhm. What? Do you have some kind of magic pill that stops your period? Because you're supposed to have a period on birth control. Like. You take the hormone pill for 3 weeks and then stop for a week specifically so this can happen. Granted this was written by the same woman who thinks a full gynaecological exam is required to be put on birth control, so why am I surprised?

The next day, Ana and her mother go to a bar in an upscale hotel. She's had 2 cosmos, her mother has had her third. Talk is on Ana's love life, and how she seems lost and confused, and how her mom thought she and Jose would get together. Her mother excuses herself to the bathroom, and Ana checks her phone to find a message from Christian confirming that he had dinner with Elena. She's angry and her scalp prickles in angry-ness.

"How could he? I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch." -- calm your tits, darling.

She responds to his email with some inflammatory remarks about Christian's old friend, and signals to the bartender that they'd like more drinks. Her mother turns away for a moment and she checks her email to find the following ridiculously creepy response.

"'This is not something I wish to discuss via e-mail.

How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?'

Holy fuck, he's here." 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 21

Apologies for my prolonged absence. Grad school happened, and I was forced to blog for a class which turned me off to this whole thing and then once I decided to start again, it was so much worse than I remembered it and well. This is the newest post, nearly 4 months in the making.

When we left Ana and Christian, Ana was just drifting off to sleep on a pillow of sloppy narration.
"And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old gray-eyed boy in a dark scary, miserable place." -- sure.

It's morning now, and Ana is reluctantly "succumbing to wakefulness". She's upset because the sun is shining in through the window, and sun was not what she had in mind when she decided to fall in love with a man from Seattle, dammit.

Sorry, Ana. You must be at least this cute to whine this much.

She lies in bed and ponders Christian's apartment. She considers the art he hangs, and the fact that it's so high up, and then frowns because none of that explains why she can't touch him. Because he's not allowed to just say 'no.' Good job, ELJ. At least you're treating them equally. She then considers how the apartment makes her feel. 

"I shudder to think what he went through as a small child, and I understand why he lives here, isolated, surrounded by beautiful, precious works of art - so far removed from where he started . . . mission statement indeed. I frown because it still doesn't explain why I can't touch him.

Ironically, I feel the same up here in his lofty tower. I'm adrift from reality. I'm in this fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend, when the grim reality is he wants a special arrangement, though he's said he'll try more. What does that actually mean? This is what I need to clarify between us to see if we are still at opposite ends on the seesaw or if we are inching closer together." -- I really hate you.

She gets out of bed to go in search of Christian, and finds she's sore. Guess she'll be needing that personal trainer after all. She runs into Mrs. Jones, Christian's housekeeper, and inquires as to his whereabouts. He's in his study. He's having a very important business call but blows it off as soon as he sees Ana. He also cancels all of his appointments for the morning and tells his secretary he won't be in until 2. As he hangs up the phone, Ana walks into the study. They kiss, and because ELJ really likes writing boring and inaccurate erotica, they have sex again - but this time it's different.

"This is not making love, this fucking - a I love it. I groan. It's so raw, so carnal, making me so wanton. I revel in his possession, his lust slaking mine. He moves with ease, luxuriating in me, enjoying me, his lips slightly parted as his breathing increases. He twists his hips from side to side, and the feeling is exquisite."

"And he picks up the pace, thrusting faster . . . harder . . . and my whole body is moving to his rhythm, and I can feel my legs stiffening, and my insides quivering and quickening." -- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Sex ends in yet another incredible orgasm ("I cry out a wordless, passionate plea as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, back to a breathless, bright summit on Earth." - literally, what?), and Christian is beguiled.

"You completely beguile me, Ana. (see?) You weave some powerful magic." -- never mind that she's actually the most vapid woman walking this fictional planet. 

He asks her if she has to go to Georgia and she says yes, prompting a mood shift in Christian. He's be, as Ana so eloquently puts it, more weird than usual. He tells her he's surprised by her, that's all. I don't know why. And as Ana goes to have a shower, she is left to contemplate his strange reaction.

"He seemed confused. Why? I have to say as physical experiences go, that was very satisfying. But emotionally - well, I'm rattled by his reaction, and that was about as emotionally enriching as cotton candy is nutritious." -- WHAT

Frowny face courtesy of yours truly.

While in the shower, Ana consults her other personalities to see if they have an opinion about Christian's mood.

"I look to my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a glue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of postcoital glow. No - we're all clueless." -- YOU'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON

"I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian's one and only hair implement, and put my hair up in a bun." -- If you cut out the useless and ridiculous 'comb it through with Christian's only hair implement', you literally have "I towel-dry my hair and put my hair up in a bun." This is not how writing is supposed to work.

She exits the bathroom, marvels at Christian's housekeeper's adept use of the laundry room, and gets dressed. Once in the kitchen, she tries to only drink tea and not eat anything, but Christian, kind soul that he is, tells Mrs. Jones to make two completely separate breakfasts for the two of them. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs for Ana, and an omelette with fruit for himself. Talk turns to Ana's impending trip to Georgia.

"'Have you bought your air ticket?' (her what?)

'No, I'll buy it when I get home - over the Internet.'

He leans on his elbow, rubbing his chin.

'Do you have the money?'

Oh no. 

'Yes,' I say with mock patience as if I'm talking to a small child." -- We've already been over why you absolutely do not have the money to fund this last minute, cross country trip, but in case you've forgotten, at the end of spring, flight prices go up due to the increase in travel. You are a recent college graduate and have lamented your lack of funding on numerous occasions. I seriously doubt you have $1000+ lying around to pay for this.

Christian offers her the use of his private jet, which she declines. He asks if she needs to do much preparation for her interview (she doesn't), and once again brings up that he doesn't know for which publishing house she's interviewing. She says she still won't tell him and he delivers a thinly veiled threat to track her phone - again. Then, breakfast is over.

"After clearing the pans, tactfully, [Mrs. Jones] heads out of the living area. I peek up at him.

'What is it, Anastasia?'

'You know, you never did tell me why you don't like to be touched.'"

Again??

He tells her he's confided more in her than in anyone else, and she is shocked to learn that he apparently doesn't have any close friends. He asks that she think about their arrangement while she's away, and tells her he'll miss her. Her heart warms and the scene changes abruptly.

Ana is now waiting on her second interview of the day, and is sitting on a leather couch. She flushes at her wayward and inappropriate thoughts (Christian has a similar couch in his playroom...) and returns a smile from the receptionist. She's booked her flight, packed, alerted her mother, and arranged her transportation to the airport (Kate). 

"Christian has ordered me to take my BlackBerry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize now that's just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me. Yet he's so unpredictably and disarmingly agreeable, too. He can be tender, good-humored, even sweet. And when he is, it's so left field and unexpected." -- these are not traits you should covet in a relationship.

We get about a page and a half detailing her interview, mostly concerning the interviewer and how certain things he says or does remind her of Christian. She arrives home, and is greeted by Kate, who also, somehow, does something that reminds her of "my favorite Fifty Shades." Kate asks Ana if she's okay, finally filling the 'best friend' role into which she's been cast, and they talk for a bit about Ana's feelings and how she hasn't revealed them to Christian. Kate leaves to get Chinese food, and Ana sends an email to Christian. They go back and forth for a time about all the great sex they have, and then, mercifully, Kate is back. They eat, and she drops Ana off at the airport.

"'Ticket, please?' The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.

Mirroring his boredom, I handover my ticket and my driver's license as ID. I am hoping for a window seat if at all possible.

'Okay, Miss Steele. You've been upgraded to first class.' 

.........

'Surely there's some mistake.'

'No, no.' He checks his computer screen again. 'Anastasia Steele - upgrade.' He simpers.

Ugh. I narrow my eyes. He hands me my boarding pass, and I head toward the first class lounge muttering under my breath. Damn Christian Grey, interfering control freak - he just can't leave well enough alone." -- of ALL the things Christian does, a first class upgrade is not the thing I'd choose to complain about.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 20

SIX CHAPTERS LEFT (after this one).

As I'm sure you recall, Christian has just flipped Ana over his shoulder and is carrying her to the boathouse. He turns on some lights and carries Ana up a flight of stairs and into the attic. The room has a couple couches, but Ana isn't focused on those.
"I am mesmerized . . . watching him like one would watch a rare and dangerous predator, waiting for him to strike." -- like this, then?

"His breathing is harsh, but then he's just carried me across the lawn and up a flight of stairs. Gray eyes blaze with anger, need, and pure unadulterated lust. 

Holy shit. I could spontaneously combust from his look alone." -- Get it? His eyes are gray, his last name is Grey, he lives in Seattle which is perpetually gray (grey?). Symbolism.

She asks him (actually, pleads) not to hit her - she doesn't want him to spank her there. He appears surprised, which is interesting, since he's totally aware of how she feels about being physically assaulted, and she capitalises on his surprise by taking the moment to brush his cheek with her hand, and then run her other hand through his hair. They begin kissing, and then Christian is confused.

"'What are you doing to me?' he whispers, confused. (see?)

'Kissing you.'

'You said no.'

'What?' No to what?

'At the dinner table, with your legs.'

Oh . . . that's what this is all about.

'But we were at your parents' dinner table.' I stare up at him, completely bewildered.

'No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so - hot.'" -- Is it? You tried to get your hand in her crotch, she closed her legs, denying you access, effectively saying no. And that's ......... hot?? You're just dying for a chance to actually rape someone, aren't you, Christian? 

She questions him about being angry and aroused because she said no, and he offers an explanation.

"'I'm mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I'm mad because you went drinking with that guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk (pot calling the kettle black a little, don't you think?) and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that? (who the fuck knows, Christian. We've already established Ana's abysmal taste in people.) And I'm mad and aroused because you closed your legs to me.' His eyes glitter dangerously, and he's slowly inching up the hem of my dress." -- Sloppy verb tenses aside, I go back to my original statement. Christian is just dying for a chance to actually rape her.

He tells her he's going to fuck her (at least she has some warning?) and then Ana seems to lose touch with reality.

"Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once: withdrawing his fingers, leaving me wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down on the couch so he's lying on top of me." -- I've done some consulting, and the only way he could accomplish all three of these things at once is if he was standing perpendicular to her and rammed her with his shoulder while also removing his fingers with one hand and undoing his zipper with the other. I imagine it looks like he just sort of topples over, takes her with him, and they accidentally land on the couch. 

They have sex (shocking, I know), and just as they're straightening up, Mia appears and says that Kate and Elliot are leaving. They go to say goodbye and Ana attempts to scold Kate for her comments about Jose earlier. Kate laughs it off because she's a super good friend, and they leave. Christian and Ana also leave, and in the car, Ana tells him that she thinks he only invited her because Kate was there.

"'If Elliot hadn't asked Kate, you'd never have asked me.' I can't see his face in the dark, but he tilts his head, gaping at me.

'Anastasia, I'm delighted that you've met my parents. Why are you so filled with self-doubt? It never ceases to amaze me. You're such a strong, self-contained young woman, but you have such negative thoughts about yourself. If I hadn't wanted you to meet them, you wouldn't be here. Is that how you were feeling the whole time?'

Oh! He wanted me there - and it's a revelation." -- I hate you.

The conversation moves on to Ana's potential trip to Georgia. She's feeling overwhelmed by Christian and his intensity and is having second thoughts. He'd like to know why.

"Holy crap. How did this suddenly become such an intense and meaningful conversation? It's been sprung on me, like an exam that I'm not prepared for. What do I say? Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can't touch you, because I'm too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse - beat me? What can I say?" -- You can say literally all of that.

The ride home is full of tension and bizarre desire, as Christian tries to read Ana's mind and Ana makes strange metaphors about Christian's life as a dark knight. They get to Christian's apartment and Ana is tired because she's been "prevailed upon in ways [she] never thought possible". Christian tells her he may prevail upon her again, and, despite this being like the third week they've been fucking, she is surprised. 

"I raise my eyebrows. 'You're going to settle for plain old vanilla?'

He cocks his head to one side. 'Nothing plain or old about vanilla - it's a very intriguing flavor,' he breathes.

'Since when?'

'Since last Saturday. Why? Were you hoping for something more exotic?'

My inner goddess pops her head above the parapet.

'Oh no. I've had enough exotic for one day.' My inner goddess pouts at me, failing miserably to hide her disappointment." -- YOUR INNER GODDESS IS YOU YOU CANNOT HIDE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT FROM YOURSELF ALSO WHERE DID SHE GET A PARAPET

So Christian gets Ana into his room, gets her naked, and then things come to a screeching halt. She wonders if she should play hard to get and he's confused. He asks her, bewildered, "Don't you want to fuck?" and she says no. She wants him to make love to her. The problem: he thought they had already - last Saturday. She says she wants to touch him, but we all know that's a hard limit (and so does she), so her request kills the mood pretty fast. Then she has some quality time with her inner goddess. Wait, no. It's her subconscious. It's so hard to keep track of all of Ana's personalities.

"After all that I've done today, it's still the same ordinary girl gaping back at me. What did you expect - that you'd grow horns and a little pointy tail? my subconscious snaps at me. And what the hell are you doing? Touching is his hard limit. Too soon, you idiot. He needs to walk before he can run. My subconscious is furious, Medusa-like in her anger, hair flying, her hands clenched around her face like in Edvard Munch's The Scream. I ignore her, but she won't climb back into her box. You are making him mad - think about all that's he's said, all he's conceded." -- "that's he's" is not me making a typo, by the way. It's really in the book like that.

This is quality writing.

She brushes her teeth (with his toothbrush... ugh) and he knocks on the door.

"'Come in,' I splutter through a mouthful of toothpaste.

Christian stands in the doorway, his PJs hanging off his hips in that way that makes every little cell in my body stand up and take notice. He's bare-chested, and I drink him in like I'm crazed with thirst and he's clear, cool mountain spring water." -- laying it on a little thick, dontcha think?

Christian brushes his teeth (also with his toothbrush) and then joins Ana in the bedroom. After some boring, melodramatic discussion, Ana tells Christian that if he tells her why he's so fucked up, she'll let him spank her. I guess that makes sense, but it doesn't sound like a fair trade. Christian leaves the room and comes back with a new toy.

"He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread. 

'These are new,' he says emphatically.

I look questioningly up at him.

'I am going to put these inside you, and then I'm going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.' He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction.

Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils."

This is legitimately what Google gives you when you search "dance of the seven veils gif". You're welcome.

He puts the balls in her mouth because apparently, they need lubrication. 

"I stand in front of him.

'Now turn around, bend down, and grab your ankles.'

I blink at him, and his expression darkens.

'Don't hesitate,' he admonishes me softly, an undercurrent in his voice, and he pops the balls in his mouth.

Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush." -- Sexier than the toothbrush. SEXIER THAN THE TOOTHBRUSH.

He's baaaack!

He inserts the balls, and tells her to stand up. The feeling is weird, but she likes it. Christian tells her to go get him a glass of water and that he'll spank her when she gets back. I'll spare you the details of that - and the sex that inevitably happens after. Christian goes to the bathroom and brings back lotion for Ana's poor backside, and she is eager for him to fulfill his side of the agreement.

"He sighs, slides in beside me, and pulls me into his arms. Careful not to touch my stinging behind, we are spooning again. He kisses me very softly beside my ear.

"'The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'

Holy fuck . . . what does that mean?

'Was?'

'She's dead.'

'How long?'

He sighs.

'She died when I was four. I don't really remember her. Carrick has given me some details. I only remember certain things. Please go to sleep.'

'Good night, Christian.'

'Good night, Ana.'

And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old gray-eyed boy in a dark, scary, miserable place."