Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

THE TIME HAS COME

Ah, yes. The contract. That morally ambiguous, non-legally binding piece of paper that we've all been wondering about for 165 pages. It's finally arrived. Currently, Ana is unaware of its legal status (because Christian is a twat and didn't bother to tell her), so she's approaching it assuming she's actually about to sign her life over to Christian. Which is weird, and I don't know why a person would ever consider doing something like that, but it's not my life. YOLO, amirite? 

This particular document would have been well served with a little "don't worry, I can't sue you for breaching the terms" talk before Christian sent Ana home with it. Because with phrasing like "The following are the terms of a binding contract..." and "Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach," it's no wonder Ana thinks it's for real. She's still fine with it, which is a completely different monster, but we'll get to that later.

Obviously, because we're in Ana's head now, we're getting a more complete look at the "contract" and the problematic language contained therein.

"The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agree additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise." -- otherwise?? what kind of otherwise?

"The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of time." -- uh?

"In cases of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant." -- I hate to be the one to bring this up, but the last I checked, this Dominant has no authority whatsoever to decide when medical attention is necessary???? 

"The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times." -- noooooope

She goes through the rest of the contract, and is concerned. Mostly, she doesn't like that he effectively owns her, that she has to be available to him every weekend, that she has to do what she's told without question, that he can punish her, that she can't touch him or look him in the eye... you know, just like 99% of the contract. Before she tries to tackle the list of approved foods (which really, should be the easiest thing for her to handle), she decides to go to sleep. She's awoken the next day by Kate, because she has to sign for a package. It's a Macbook, from Christian, and the guy setting it up knows more about that particular machine than Ana knows about life in general.

"'It's got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you'll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM - what are you planning to use it for?'

'Uh . . . e-mail.'

'E-mail!' he chokes, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face. 

'And maybe Internet research?' I shrug apologetically.

He sighs.

'Well, this has full wireless N, and I've set it up with your Me account details. This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.' He looks longingly at it.

'Me account?'

'Your new e-mail address.'

I have an e-mail address?" -- you just....... you literally JUST said you're going to use it for email??????? and now you're surprised you have an email address????????????? how did you think you were going to send emails????????????

The guy leaves and Ana logs into her email to discover a message from Christian. It surprises her for many reasons, not the least of which is that she just discovered email exists. All Christian says is that he hopes she slept well and that she needs to put this laptop to good use (eg: look up all the stuff in the contract you're confused about, like butt plugs).  She responds that while she appreciates the gesture, she does not "want or need a computer indefinitely," which is an interesting thing for a newly graduated millennial in need of employment to say, but what the fuck ever. 

"I am going to be late for work. Well, it is my last week - Mr. and Mrs. Clayton will probably cut me some slack. I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He e-mailed me. I'm like a small, giddy child." -- I'll have whatever drugs she's on, thanks. Also, just because it's your last week does not mean you can be a shitty employee. Those people have supported you for like 4 years. Be respectful and go the fuck to work.

Jose meets her for lunch, because I guess we've forgiven the almost rapist. When she gets home that evening, there's an email from Christian waiting for her. All it says is that he hopes she had a good day. He could have sent her a text but this is a very weird 2011 where everyone emails instead. She responds, calling him "Sir," which again, is interesting considering she still has very basic questions about this non-contract. Finally, we get to the root of the discussion.

"Mr. Grey,

What would you suggest I put into a search engine?" -- Okay, first of all, I have graduated from college and my degree was just as useless and just as research-based as Ana's. She should absolutely know how to conduct research, even for something as apparently out of her depth as BDSM. But, like the kind soul he is, Christian offers a solution: Wikipedia. 

"I type 'Submissive' into Wikipedia.

Half an hour later, I feel slightly queasy and frankly shocked to my core." -- I wouldn't be a quality blogger if I didn't do exactly what Ana is doing in the instances that I can. SO. I've just been to Wikipedia. And as Ana did, I typed "Submissive" into the search bar. Do you want to know what I found? Do you???

That's fucking right. Typing "Submissive into Wikipedia doesn't give you ANY uncomfortable or sickening information. IT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE YOU TO THE PAGE FOR 'SUBMISSIVE'. Instead, it redirects you to "Deference". And what happens when you click on the link to view the page for "Submissive"?

So tell me, ELJ. How the fuck could you not be bothered enough to check to make sure your suggestion to use fucking Wikipedia would actually work out? Everyone reading this bullshit you call literature knows you know how to you use it, because that's how you got all of your information on BDSM. And before anyone tries to defend her with "oh but maybe the site changed the search results after so many people tried to do the same search," please note that this book was published in 2011 and the Wikipedia page was last edited in 2010. 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

In case you had forgotten since the last post, Christian and Ana are in the throes of passion when they hear the voice of his mother outside his room. Christian starts getting dressed and tells Ana to do the same, even though he hasn't fucking untied her yet.
"He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans - no underwear!" -- well no, you idiot. he's likely going to just rip his jeans off again the second he's alone with you. who needs underwear?

"His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she's practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto." -- in case you're wondering, like I was, what the fuck this means, it's Latin for "in blazing offence" and there is literally no fucking way Ana knew what the hell this meant. She's the dumbest college graduate in the free world, as evidenced by her blatant inability to read interview questions before she asks them, and you want me to believe she fucking knows Latin? Fuck you.

Christian tells her she can wear something of his and then he "runs his hand through his just-fucked hair." At this point in the book though, Christian's hair is always "just-fucked" because ELJ doesn't know how to construct plot so just decided to fill the pages with as many dicks as she possibly could. Ana checks herself in the mirror and realizes that "just-fucked pigtails" don't suit her. That's because you're a 22 year old woman who has no business wearing her hair in any pigtails, just-fucked or not.

"'So how did you two meet?' She looks questioningly at Christian, unable to hide her curiosity.

'Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I'm conferring the degrees there this week.'

Double crap. I'd forgotten that." -- We know. In fact, you'd forgotten about it 10 minutes after you found out about it. Remember that? When you thought you'd never have to see him again? I do. Because I blogged itttttt.

See?

As Ana is meeting Christian's mother (Marcia Gay Harden in the film, in case you were curious), her phone rings. She thinks it's Kate, but SURPRISE, it's actually Jose calling to apologize for very nearly giving her enough cause for a restraining order 6 chapters ago. He's mad that she's in Seattle with Christian, and Christian is mad that he called, because neither of them regard Ana as a person, but rather as a prize in some competition I'm pretty sure she didn't agree to. Christian disappears into his study and returns a second later with the contract.

"'This is the contract. Read it, and we'll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what's involved.' He pauses. 'That's if you agree, and I really hope you do,' he adds, his tone softer, anxious.

'Research?'

'You'll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,' he murmurs.

Internet! I don't have access to a computer, only Kate's laptop, and I couldn't use the one at Clayton's, not for this sort of "research" surely." -- For fuck's sake, really???? You don't have access to a computer? But you've somehow managed to get through 4 years of being an ENGLISH MAJOR??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. YOU'RE GRADUATING THIS WEEK YOUR SCHOOL'S LIBRARY IS NOT GOING TO LET YOU USE THEIR SHIT ANYMORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Ana tells Christian she needs to make a phone call (to Kate) and his reaction is, well, ridiculous.

"'The photographer?' His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. 'I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.' His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom." -- holy fuck, Christian. this is not the way to get a girl to sign a legally-ambiguous contract. also...

ELJ has forever ruined blinking.

They leave Christian's apartment and begin the drive to Portland.

"People stare at us as we drive through the streets. For a moment, I think it's at him . . . and then a very paranoid part thinks everyone is looking at me because they know what I've been doing during the last twelve hours, but finally I realize it's the car." -- OF COURSE IT'S THE CAR? EVEN IF EVERYONE DID KNOW WHAT YOU HAD BEEN DOING (OMG NOT SEX), LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHERE YOUR VAGINA HAS BEEN.

They continue driving and Christian turns on Bruce Springsteen.

"Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words. Christian glances at me. He's got his Ray-Bans on so I can't see what he's feeling." -- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the sunglasses are not the problem:

Page 12: "I can't help thinking that we're talking about something else, but I'm mystified as to what it is."

Page 15: "And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I'm not sure which."

Page 16: "If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away."

Page 31: "His expression is impassive, but his words . . . it's like he's saying something else entirely. It's baffling."

Page 66: "He's staring at me, gray eyes dark, and as usual, I have no idea what he's thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well."

Page 68: "Yet he's so antagonizing, too; he's difficult, complicated, and confusing."

Page 77: "Christian is watching me as I tie my hair back, his expression unreadable."

On their way back to Portland, Christian asks Ana if she's hungry. She says no, but he drives them to a restaurant anyway. After sitting down and having exactly one sip of wine, Ana decides this very public venue is as good a place as any to start asking questions.

"'What's vanilla sex?' I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, sexy look he's giving me (this is not the question I would ask to get rid of that look, but fine). He laughs.

'Just straightforward sex, Anastasia. No toys, no add-ons.' He shrugs. 'You know . . . well, actually you don't, but that's what it means.'

'Oh.' I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?" -- Could we just stop using food to describe sex? Please?

Ana goes home and tells Kate about her very first sexual encounter, but is very careful to not violate the non-disclosure agreement she signed.

"My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny finger (so it's not just Christian's fingers we're obsessed with), then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much." -- you're fucking kidding, right?

Ana asks Kate to tell her about Elliot, I presume to get the spotlight off of her.

"Kate blushes. Oh my . . . Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me." -- I hate you so much. 

After a little more dishing, Kate tells Ana she got some mail and Ana is thrilled to discover that she has landed interviews for internships (which, by the way, Ana, are not jobs - also, who the hell discovers this by mail? no one in this series uses the phone). 

"'Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!'

'For which publishing house?'

'For both of them!' (yes, all two publishing houses in Seattle)

'I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.'" -- I seriously doubt that's what happened, but okay.

Jose calls for the millionth time that day, and Ana finally talks to him.

"'Ana, you're back!' Jose shouts his relief at me.

'Obviously.' Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone.

He's silent for a moment.

'Can I see you now? I'm sorry about Friday night. I was drunk and you . . . well. Ana  - please forgive me.'

'Of course, I forgive you Jose. Just don't do it again. You know I don't feel like that about you.'" -- hell no. HELLLLL NO. I know this "being wanted" thing is a new concept for you, Ana, but you don't just forgive someone for crossing a line like that. This is why you end up in the situation you do at the end of the book. Grow a fucking backbone.

Once Ana is off the phone, it rings again, and it's Elliot. Kate takes the phone into her room and Ana is left on the couch. She tries to watch TV, but her mind continues to drift back to Christian and the contract she has in her purse. She's troubled because both Christian and Jose want something from her, though I'm not entirely sure why she's even worried about Jose, since she's not interested. She buries her head in her hands and wonders what she's going to do about Christian.

"He's such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure . . . no wonder he's old before his time." -- oh, so we're romanticizing his past to make what he's going to do to you in 300 pages okay. I see. 

"If I'd not met him, I'd still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night and this morning . . . and the incredible sensual sexuality I'd experienced. Do I want to say good-bye to that? No! screams my subconscious . . . my inner goddess nodes in Zen-like agreement with her." -- HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN THERE

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

It's morning, and Ana is awakening from her slumber.
"I stretch out and open my eyes. It's a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view."

She wanders around the bedroom until she finds the bathroom - honestly how many doors can he have? - and she looks at herself in the mirror.

"Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I'm honest, and my muscles - jeez, it's like I've never done any exercise in my life. You don't do any exercise in your life. My subconscious has woken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you've just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn't love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She's shouting at me." -- I know Christian is the one seeing a therapist, but you might want to seriously consider it. I'm sure he or she could help you do something about that semi-sentient, self-deprecating subconscious you have going on there. He or she might also be able to help you get over the "you should hate yourself for sleeping with someone who doesn't love you" and "you're worth less after you have sex" myths that have been far too ingrained in your tiny mind. Once again, sex education has failed you.

Looking at you, America.

"I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process this. ..... I shudder. I'm bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual way-ward self. Just-fucked hair doesn't suit me." -- excepttttttt that it's not "just-fucked" hair, it's "I've been sleeping for 7 hours" hair. there is a difference.

Ana searches her purse for hair ties (to tame her wayward locks), and, upon finding them, puts her hair in pigtails.

"I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard." -- why the fuck is this even a thought that crosses your mind? "YES NATURALLY THE MORE GIRLY I LOOK THE LESS I WILL ATTRACT THIS HETEROSEXUAL MAN." I'm starting to think you deserve everything you have coming to you.

In case you're wondering, like I was, about the reference to someone called Bluebeard, sit back because I'm about to tell you the best story you've ever heard. The character Bluebeard comes from a French folktale. Essentially, he's this super rich dude who no one wants to be around because he has a really ugly blue beard hanging out on his face. He's somehow managed to marry quite a few women, but no one knows what happened to them. So one day, he takes a fancy to his neighbor's daughters and asks to marry one of them - I guess it doesn't matter which. When he takes the youngest of the sisters to his castle, he has to leave suddenly on dastardly business or something. He gives her all the keys to the chateau and tells her to use them freely and to go wherever she pleases. However, he gives her one other key that he says she can never use - THEN WHY GIVE IT TO HER? Obviously, she ignores that and the second he leaves, she's opening the forbidden door. The room it leads to is covered in blood and all of the guy's former wives are hanging on hooks. She tells her sister and she comes to the castle to rescue her but her husband comes home early and discovers what she's done. Before he murders her, she asks for 15 minutes to pray. She locks herself and her sister in a tower room and her brothers show up and kill Bluebeard. She inherits his fortune, gives some to her family, and uses the rest to marry a super rich, presumably nice guy. -- the thing to take from this is that Ana seems to be convinced that Christian is going to flat-out murder her, and yet she's still in his kitchen making him breakfast.

As stated above, Ana rummages around Christian's kitchen and decides to cook breakfast. She has music blasting in her ears, and is dancing around the stove as she makes pancakes.

"I need somewhere to keep the pancakes warm, and I start on the bacon. Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that's because I'm a misfit. I have never fitted in (cringe) anywhere and now . . . I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself."

Eventually Christian joins her and catches her off-guard. She can barely keep her knees from giving way below her as he sits at the bar. She asks where the placemats are and he tells her that she should just keep cooking and he gets up to get them.

"'I'll do that. You cook. Would you like me to put some music on so you can continue your . . . er . . . dancing?'

I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I'm turning puce.

'Please, don't stop on my account. It's very entertaining.' His tone is of wry amusement.

I purse my lips. Entertaining, eh? My subconscious has doubled over in laughter at me. I turn and continue to whisk the eggs, probably beating them a little harder than necessary. In moment, he's beside me. He gently pulls my pigtail.

'I love these,' he whispers. 'They won't protect you.' Hmm, Bluebeard . . . " -- This didn't make sense when it was from Christian's perspective, and Ana's perspective doesn't offer anything more in the way of information except that we're still considering that Christian could be a serial killer but we're also still making him breakfast.

They eat, and Christian tells Ana that he'd like to continue her "basic training," but since she's sore, he decides that they should focus on oral skills. They talk a little bit about the non-disclosure agreement because Ana has questions about "the mechanics" of sex and would like to speak to Kate about them. Christian insists she doesn't because Kate is sleeping with his brother. He asks her how last night was for her and she says "good," which feels like an understatement.

"'Me, too,' he murmurs. 'I've never had vanilla sex before. There's a lot to be said for it. But then, maybe it's because it's with you.' He runs his thumb across my lower lip.

I inhale sharply. Vanilla sex?

'Come, let's have a bath.' He leans down and kisses me.

My heart leaps and desire pools way down low . . . way down there." -- jfc, Ana.

So, they get into the bath and Christian begins washing her. I don't know if I'll ever think that's a sexy thing to do to someone, but it works for Ana.

"He doesn't linger long and glides his hands down to my stomach and belly (are these different parts of your body????). My breathing increases and my heart is racing. His growing erection presses against my behind. It's such a turn-on know that it's my body making him feel this way. Ha . . . not your mind, my subconscious sneers. I shake off the unwelcome thought." -- Ana. Or, I guess, Ana's subconscious. Your mind will make him love you, but not fuck you. Brains do not create boners. That's just the way it is.

Obviously, things progress in the bathtub. We all remember the "oral skills" bit of this from Christian's perspective, though you lucky people didn't actually have to read the entire scene. I'm not sure from which perspective it's more uncomfortable, but Ana provides a lot of strange commentary.

"I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." -- I'm just gonna say it. Yuck.

"'Have you done that before?'

'No.' And I can't help the small tinge of pride in my denial.

'Good,' he says complacently and, I think, relieved. 'Yet another first, Miss Steele.' He looks appraisingly at me. 'Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let's go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.'

Orgasm! Another one!" -- careful, Ana. you're only allotted a certain amount of orgasms in your whole life. don't use them all this weekend.

They leave the bathroom and Christian takes her to his room. He ties her wrists together with a gray tie (such creativity. amazing.), and tells her not to move her hands. As you can probably infer from context, more sex happens for the rest of the chapter, and Ana is still awkward about it.

"This time he doesn't stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he's going to do, and part of me whats to push him off because I'm mortified and embarrassed. He's going to kiss me there!" -- oh nooooo! not THERE!

"I pull my tied hands over his neck and hold him the best I can. I know in that moment I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he's introduced me to, it's beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can't, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh . . . what to do?" -- You just said you'd do anything for him. I feel like "what should I do?" is a question you should asked before making that decision.

Lying bed, Christian and Ana suddenly hear voices outside the bedroom.

"'What do you mean he's not alone?'

'He has someone with him.'

'Oh . . .' Even I hear the disbelief in her voice.

Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.

'Shit! It's my mother.'"

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 7 & 8

CHAPTER 7

Ana enters Christian's playroom and is in shock. She isn't sure where to focus, as there are so many strange and foreign things. She spends two paragraphs on shackles and paddles and whips, and then comes to rest on the bed.
"But what dominates the room is a bed. It's bigger than king sized, an ornately rococo four-poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding . . . just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end." -- this sounds like the most uncomfortable bed in existence. god, you would just stick to it. or slide around awkwardly, if you're sweaty. how is this practical? Also, Ana is an English major, not a furniture appraiser. And though Christian has eclectic style, I doubt the bed he has clad in leather is 200 years old. 

Ana asks Christian what the room is for - because it isn't immediately apparent - and suggests that he's a sadist.
"'I'm a Dominant.' His eyes are scorching gray, intense. (this is not a real thing.)
'What does that mean?' I whisper.
'It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.'
I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea.
'Why would I do that?'
'To please me,' he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile.
Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that's exactly what I want to do." -- it really was too easy with Ana. she can't be sexually selfish because she doesn't know what pleasure is. good job, Christian.

He explains how everything works in vague terms - there are rules and she needs to follow them and he will be joyous. Amazing. 

"'Okay, and what do I get out of this?'

He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.

'Me,' he says simply.

Oh my. Christian rakes his hand through his hair as he gazes at me.

'You're not giving anything away, Anastasia,' he murmurs, exasperated. 'Let's go back downstairs where I can concentrate better. It's very distracting to have you in here.' He holds his hand out to me, and now I'm hesitant to take it.

Kate had said he was dangerous; she was so right. How did she know? He's dangerous to my health, because I know I'm going to say yes."

He leads her downstairs and tells her to sit. She asks him about the paperwork he'd mentioned earlier, and he tells her about the contract, and its purpose (he needs to know her limits, she needs to know his, I'm pretty sure that's it, actually. I doubt we need a full document for this). Christian tells her that if they don't have this kind of relationship, they'll have no relationship at all. Ana is perplexed.
"'Why?'
'This is the only sort of relationship I'm interested in.'
'Why?'
He shrugs. 'It's the way I am.'
'How did you become this way?'
'Why is anyone the way they are? That's kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?'" -- this is the biggest cop-out ever. "why is anyone the way the are?" that's very philosophical and not even close to an acceptable answer. also, why are you deflecting to dairy products? focus, Christian.

He finally gets his shit together and takes her to his study to give her a copy of the rules and to talk about them. Ana puts up a fight about being given money for clothes (whyyyy????) and she doesn't want to exercise 4 days a week. They agree on 3. Christian hands Ana his list of hard limits, and asks her if there's anything she'd like to add.
"'Is there anything you won't do?'
'I don't know.'
'What do you mean you don't know?'
I squirm uncomfortably and bite my lip.
'I've never done anything like this.'
'Well, when you've had sex, was there anything that you didn't like doing?'
For the first time in what seems like ages, I blush.
'You can tell me, Anastasia. We have to be honest with each other or this isn't going to work.'
I squirm uncomfortably again and stare at my knotted fingers.
'Tell me,' he commands.
'Well . . . I haven't had sex before, so I don't know.' My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he's gaping at me, frozen, and pale - really pale.
'Never?' he whispers. I shake my head.
'You're a virgin?' he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he's angry, glaring at me.
'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?' he growls." -- oh, I don't know, Christian. maybe because she's known you for a week and you guys haven't talked about more than how she likes her tea. oh, and cheese.

CHAPTER 8

Christian is having some kind of internal crisis at the news that Ana is a virgin: on the one hand, he's furious but on the other (as we all know from Grey), he's extremely pleased that she hasn't been tainted ("At least I don't have to worry about every dick she's slept with.").
"'I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!' He says it like it's a really dirty word. 'Hell, Ana,  just showed you . . .' he groans. 'May God forgive me. Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?'
'Of course I have.' I try my best to look affronted. Okay . . . maybe twice." -- You can't blame him for asking, Ana. 4 days ago was the first time you ever held hands with a boy. We were all wondering.

Christian continues to be baffled.
"'And you're seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.' His brows knit together. 'How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.'" -- Honestly, Christian, it's not that difficult. And let's be honest, there's like an 85% chance that she'd have been in for some serious disappointment if she hadn't avoided it.

"'Come,' he murmurs.

'What?'

'We're going to rectify the situation right now.'

'What do you mean? What situation?'

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now.'

'Oh.' The floor has fallen away. I'm a situation. (well yeah, Ana. you didn't think he actually considered you a real person, did you?)

........

'I thought you didn't make love. I though you fucked hard.' I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry.

He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there." 

Christian pulls her into his arms and tells her how brave she is - which I don't fully understand because she's just horny, but whatever. He asks her to allow him to make love to her (eugh) and takes her to his bedroom.

"I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I'm going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey." -- I think it should be of some concern that she is still talking about sex like she's in junior high. 

Christian begins to strip and Ana makes every observation that a normal person would make under the circumstances. Except one.

"He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey's feet . . . wow . . . what is it about naked feet?" -- Nothing. There is absolutely nothing hot about naked feet. Also, I'd enjoy this scene much more if he had taken both socks off simultaneously. To get the imagery out of your head, have this gif of a dog wearing socks.

Christian continues to blow Ana's mind by not doing too much, and she talks about her vagina in strange terms.

"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There."

"Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth. Shit. I groan . . . how can I feel this there?" -- we get it, Ana. we do. we really do. also, a query: is he running his teeth along your instep or his tongue along his teeth? this is very important in how we read this scene.

After some fooling around, Christian pulls out a condom.

"He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no . . . Will it? How?

'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine. 'You expand, too.'" -- this is still not sexy. also the US sex education system has severely failed Miss Anastasia Steele.

Abstinence only, kids.

And now for the main event. 

"'Aargh!' I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity." --sorry, this was just too fucking hilarious to leave out.

When it's over - or, rather, when they're on a short break from "doing it" - Ana takes stock of what's happened.

"I stretch out beside him, feeling loose-limbed, my bones like jelly, but I'm relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can't stop grinning. Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms . . . coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow." -- this is a terrible analogy. if my washing machine was ripping my clothes apart at the seams, I'd be furious.

"'Open your mouth,' he commands, and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly." -- ELJ really is making this much too easy.

As we all know, they each have better orgasms than they deserve, and eventually Ana falls asleep. When she wakes up, Christian is gone, being sullen and mysterious on his piano. 

"I'm mesmerized, watching his long, skilled fingers as they find and gently press the keys, thinking how those same fingers have expertly handled and caressed my body. I flush and gasp at the memory and press my thighs together." 

They talk for a little while about the piano and how Christian has played since he was six. He explains that he doesn't sleep well and is not used to sleeping with anyone. They go back to the bedroom and Ana tries to touch his chest, but he steps out of her reach and tells her to get into bed. He puts on a shirt and climbs in next to her. 

"He clambers in beside me and pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me so that I'm facing away from him. He kisses my hair gently, and he inhales deeply.

'Sleep, sweet Anastasia,' he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can't help feel a residual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 6

"Christian opens the passenger-side door to the black Audi SUV, and I clamber in. It's a beast of a car. He hasn't mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn't happen? It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman."

Christian turns on some music - "The Flower Duet" by Delibes -  and Ana is extremely impressed. I don't know why. It's not like Christian is playing the music himself. She asks if he likes classical music and he explains that his taste is very eclectic ("Everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon"). Ana doesn't know who Thomas Tallis is, but Christian says he'll play it for her sometime. He's a sixteenth century British composer who wrote Tudor church music. I'm pretty sure there's a sensory deprivation sex scene later where he plays some of his stuff into headphones that Ana is wearing. Are you guys bored yet?

They arrive at Ana's duplex (honestly I always thought she lived in an apartment???? Oh. MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE ON PAGE 66 CHRISTIAN SAYS "I didn't want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your APARTMENT." AND THEN. RIGHT ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PAGE. NOT EVEN 6 SENTENCES BEFORE "HE PULLS UP OUTSIDE MY DUPLEX" IS THE SENTENCE "WE'RE ALMOST AT MY APARTMENT." LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK. GODDAMMIT ELJ STOP THIS MADNESS). 

I know, there's no lamb sauce. But you totally relate to this gif. Don't lie.

Christian drops Ana off at her duplex/apartment and Kate is there with Elliot. After Christian and Elliot leave, Kate wants to hear all about the previous night's events. 

"'So, did you?' Kate asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning curiosity evident in her voice.

'No,' I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apartment." -- LITERALLY WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE

"'Christian is taking me to Seattle this evening.'

'Seattle?'

'Yes.'

'Maybe you will then?'

'Oh, I hope so.'

'You like him, then?'

'Yes.'

'Like him enough to . . . ?'

'Yes.'

She raises her eyebrows.

'Wow. Ana Steele, finally falling for a man, and it's Christian Grey - hot, sexy billionaire.'

'Oh yeah - it's all about the money.' I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles." -- none of this was even kind of funny. what have these boys done to you?

Ana's shift at the hardware store drags on, and since it's mindless work, she's able to think too much.

"And on top of all the angst, I can barely contain my excitement or my nerves. Tonight's the night! After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She's been ready for this for years, and she's ready for anything with Christian Grey, but I still don't understand what he sees in me . . . mousey Ana Steele - it makes no sense." -- No, Ana. What makes no sense is that ELJ has written a character who can't even say the word "sex" without wanting to melt into the ground and is going to have her sign a non-disclosure contract (among other non-legally binding paperwork) before engaging in sexual experiences that she is absolutely not ready for based on the aforementioned fact that she CANNOT SAY SEX WITHOUT MUSTERING ALL HER COURAGE AND BLUSHING ABOUT IT LIKE A FIFTH GRADER

Ana exits Clatyon's and Christian is already waiting. She attributes it to his incredible punctuality, but we all know that's not what happened, because, again, I BLOGGED IT.

See?

So, as it says in the image above, Taylor brings them to a helipad and Christian proceeds to be weird.

"I hold my breath as he pulls at one of the upper straps.

'You're secure, no escaping,' he whispers. 'Breathe, Anastasia,' he adds softly. Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, running his long fingers down to my chin, which he grasps between his thumb and forefinger." -- okay, I'm calling it. there has officially been more than 7 references to Christian's weirdly long fingers and I don't like it. Unfortunately it's not going to get any better.

"It's pitch-black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we're going?

'Eerie, isn't it?' Christian's voice is in my ears.

'How do you know you're going the right way?'

'Here.' He points his long index finger at one of the gauges, and it shows an electronic compass." -- UNNECESSARY

As they're flying, Ana gets distracted by Christian's beauty.

"He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed - I'd like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn't shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm . . . I'd like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face." -- Please don't lick his face. You're not a cat. 

She asks how long the flight is, because she's having a hard time keeping it in her pants, and Christian tells her it'll be less than an hour.

"I have less than an hour before the big reveal. All the muscles clench deep in my belly. I have a serious case of butterflies. They are flourishing in my stomach. Holy shit, what has he got in store for me?" -- nothing until you sign that NDA, remember? paperwork, Ana. paperwork. 

After an agonizing helicopter ride, they finally arrive at Christian's apartment. Before Christian lets Ana out of the helicopter, he makes sure to tell her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't have to do. Which is crap, but fine. 

"'You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You know that, don't you?' His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.

'I'd never do anything I didn't want to do, Christian.' And as I say the words, I don't quite feel their conviction..." -- oh, no? is that because you've been doing shit you don't want to do literally the entire time we've been reading this book? Like on page 50 when you "peer unwillingly up at him"? Or at the beginning of the story when you bitched for an entire chapter about being forced to do the interview in the first place? You force yourself to do shit you're not willing to do all the time, so I don't know why I ever thought Christian would be any different. 

Once inside his apartment, Ana makes several observations that don't make any sense considering the man she's talking about.

"To the right is an imposing U-shaped sofa that could seat ten adults comfortably. It faces a state-of-the-art stainless-steel - or maybe platinum for all I know - modern fireplace. The fire is lit and flaming gently. On the left beside us, by the entryway, is the kitchen area. All white with dark wood worktops and a breakfast bar that seats six.

Near the kitchen area, in front of the glass wall, is a dining table surrounded by 16 chairs." -- For someone who doesn't socialize ever, and who, for all intents and purposes might as well hate other people, Christian has an awful lot of seating. He can fit 32 people in his apartment, just between his kitchen and living area, and that's not including standing room. For all the pretense that he's antisocial and deeply troubled, he must have some raging parties.

"'Can I take your jacket?' Christian asks. I shake my head. I'm still cold from the wind on the helipad.

'Would you like a drink?' he asks. I blink at him."

Christian gets them each a glass of wine while Ana considers how rich he must be. It makes her uncomfortable for all the wrong reasons. She notes the piano in the corner and asks if he plays. He does.

"He takes a sip of wine. He doesn't take his eyes off me. I feel them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. "Room" is the wrong word. It's not a room - it's a mission statement." -- I don't think I understand what you're going for here.

Christian asks her to sit, and it's awkward.

"'Why did you send me Tess of the d'Urbervilles specifically?' I ask. 

........

'It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d'Urberville,' he murmurs, and his eyes flash dark and dangerous.

'If there are only two choices, I'll take the debasement.' I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe." -- some people would call that an out-of-body experience, hun. also, in reference to Christian's weird eyes...

YOU. ARE. FUCKING. WELCOME.

Christian hands Ana his non-disclosure agreement which she signs without reading because, as she puts it, "I wouldn't talk about us to anyone anyway. So it's immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not." After signing, she asks Christian what I assume all new readers are wondering.

"'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?' Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.

'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. First, I don't make love. I fuck . . . hard. Second, there's a lot more paperwork to do. And third, you don't yet know what you're in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.'

My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so . . . hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified.

'You want to play on your Xbox?' I ask. He laughs loudly.

.........

Producing a key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath. 

'You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on standby to take you whenever you want to go; you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It's fine whatever you decide.'

'Just open the damn door, Christian.'

He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what's in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in.

And it feels like I've time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.

Holy fuck." -- Not to be pedantic, but the Spanish Inquisition was actually established in the fifteenth century. 

Many thanks to Monty Python

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 5

It's morning, and Ana is awakening from her liquor-induced coma. She isn't sure where she is at first, then recognizes the suite as being from the Heathman Hotel. Eventually she puts the pieces together and realizes shes in Christian's hotel room.
"I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything." -- hey, don't be a bitch about it. he didn't have to give you shit.

Ana takes the Advil and is startled by a knock at the door. It's Christian, obviously, as this is his room, just getting back from a run.
"Holy hell, he's been working out. He's in gray sweatpants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a gray sleeveless T-shirt which is dark with sweat, like his hair. Christian Grey's sweat; the notion does odd things to me." -- ew. also that's a lot of description to fit into one sentence.

Christian asks how Ana is feeling, and she answers "better than I deserve," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense because one night of too much drinking does not make you undeserving of good things, but okay. She inquires as to how she got there - after she passed out, Christian didn't want to risk the leather in his car taking her all the way back to her apartment. After confirming that he also undressed her (so he could wash her disgusting jeans), she gets worried.
"'We didn't - ?' I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
'Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,' he says dryly." -- except he TOTALLY thought about it and I should know - I blogged it.

She comments that she didn't ask him to come get her, and neither of them would have to deal with whatever this is if he hadn't tracked her down in the first place. His response is the right one to give, even if it's not the truth. I know, Grey. I've been inside your head.

"'If I hadn't come to get you, you'd probably be waking up in the photographer's bed, and from what I can remember, you weren't overly enthused about him pressing his suit,' he says acidly.

Pressing his suit! I glance up at Christian. He's glaring at me, eyes blazing, aggrieved. I try to bite my lip, but I fail to repress my giggle.

'Which medieval chronicle did you escape from? You sound like a courtly knight.'

His mood visibly shifts. His eyes soften and his expression warms, and there's a trace of a smile on his lips.

'Anastasia, I don't think so. Dark knight, maybe.'"

"'You need to eat. That's why you were so ill. Honestly, it's drinking rule number one.' He runs his hand through his hair, and I know it's because he's exasperated. 

'Are you going to continue to scold me?'

'Is that what I'm doing?'

'I think so.'

'You're lucky I'm just scolding you.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.'" -- I appreciate where you're coming from, Christian, but she doesn't actually have any idea what you're talking about. Honestly, this sounds like you would beat her. And we know punishment is your thing, but she doesn't. Please stop threatening to hurt her.

"I scowl back at him. What is his problem? What's it to him? If I was his . . . Well, I'm not. Though maybe part of me would like to be. The thought pierces through the irritation I feel at his high-handed words. I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his." 

Okay I know it's not red but cut me some slack.

Christian goes to take a shower and Ana finally lets out the breath that she's been holding for what I'm assuming is 2 pages. Unfortunately, as quickly as Christian left, he returns. This time in a towel. Ana panics and runs into the bathroom to shower so she can avoid a nearly-naked Christian. 

"I reach for the body wash and it smells of him. It's a delicious smell. I rub it all over myself, fantasizing that it's him - him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long-fingered hands." -- well. that pretty much ruined it for everyone.

After her shower, Ana finds a bag of clothes that Taylor got for her, since hers are being laundered. She exits the bedroom and wanders aimlessly into the rest of the suite, making more bizarre observations.

"There's an opulent, plush seating area, all overstuffed couches and soft cushions, an elaborate coffee table with a stack of large glossy books, a study area with the latest-generation iMac, and an enormous plasma screen TV on the wall. Christian is sitting at a dining table on the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court or something, not that I play tennis, though I have watched Kate a few times." -- First, why are you babbling like you're on an uncomfortable first date with the reader? Second, is the newspaper the size of a maybe tennis court? Of course I know it isn't but this is the kind of thing your editors should be thinking about, ELJ. 

They eat breakfast, and Ana notices that Christian remembers the way she takes her tea. (Page 42: "I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon. 'I like my tea black and weak,' I mutter as an explanation." -- for the record, that's barely even flavored water, let alone tea, you pretentious fuck.) She asks him why he sent her the books.

"'I felt I owed you an apology and a warning.' He runs his hand through his hair. 'Anastasia, I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of man . . . I don't do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me.' He closes his eyes as if in defeat. 'There's something about you, though, and I'm finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you've figured that out already.'" -- no, I mean, you only showed up at her job and then tracked her phone to show up at the bar she was at and now she's waking up in your hotel room. that's not weird at all. Also, "you should steer clear of me" and "I'm finding it impossible to stay away" are very conflicting things to say to a person in the same conversation. It's basically, "you can ignore me all you want. but we both know I can find you."

They talk a little bit about what Ana is doing over the next few days (working and packing, mostly), and Christian asks what she's going to do for work once she moves. She says that she's applied to a few internships (which are not jobs, by the way, as most of them don't pay you?????????), and Christian inquires as to whether she's applied with his company yet. Of course, she hasn't.

"'Are you smirking at me, Miss Steele?' He tilts his head to one side, and I think he looks amused, but it's hard to tell. I flush and glance down at my unfinished breakfast. I can't look him in the eye when he uses that tone of voice.

'I'd like to bite that lip,' he whispers darkly.

I gasp, completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip and my mouth pops open. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me." -- you first held hands with a boy 3 days ago. this is not a surprise.

Ana suggests that Christian should bite her lip, but he explains that he won't touch her until he has her written consent - which is not the sort of thing a potential sexual partner usually says to another person, but I guess that's okay. He says there are things he has to show her before she can agree to let him touch her, and she is eager to know, but Christian says she'll have to wait until either that evening or a night the following week.

"'Why can't you tell me now?'

'Because I'm enjoying my breakfast and your company. Once you're enlightened, you probably won't want to see me again.'

What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some godforsaken part of the planet?" -- I'm sorry. Does he what?

Ana decides that she wants to find out what's going on that night, so Christian arranges to fly her from work in Portland to Seattle. 

"'Taylor. I'm going to need Charlie Tango.'

Charlie Tango! Who's he?

'From Portland at, say, twenty thirty . . . No, standby at Escala . . . All night.'

All night!

'Yes. On call tomorrow morning. I'll pilot from Portland to Seattle.'

Pilot?

'Standby pilot from twenty-two thirty.' He puts the phone down. No please or thank you.

'Do people always do what you tell them?'

'Usually, if they want to keep their jobs,' he says, deadpan.

'And if they don't work for you?'

'Oh, I can be very persuasive, Anastasia. You should finish your breakfast. And then I'll drop you off at home. I'll pick you up at Clayton's at eight when you finish. We'll fly up to Seattle.'

I blink at him rapidly."

When Ana is done with her breakfast, Christian tells her he'll take her home once she's dried her hair because he doesn't want her to get sick. Ana agrees, and as she's getting up from the table, inquires as to where Christian slept the night before.

"'Where did you sleep last night?' I turn to gaze at him still sitting in the dining room chair. I can't see any blankets or sheets out here - perhaps he's had them tidied away.

'In my bed,' he says simply, his gaze impassive again.

'Oh.'

'Yes, it was quite a novelty for me, too.' He smiles.

'Not having . . . sex.' There - I said the word. I blush - of course. (YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORD WITHOUT BLUSHING YOU ARE AN ADULT AND NEED TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THE FIFTH GRADE)

'No.' He shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. 'Sleeping with someone' He picks up his newspaper and continues to read.

What in heaven's name does that mean? He's never slept with anyone? He's a virgin?" -- Ohmygod you really are stupid, aren't you? How have you made it through 21 years of life? How? HOW.

She goes into the bedroom and dries her hair. 

"I want to brush my teeth. I eye Christian's toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth." -- except that's not what it would be like at all do not do this.

They leave so Christian can drive Ana to work, and things get intense in the elevator.

"The elevator arrives, and we step in. We're alone. Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, possibly our proximity in such an enclosed space, the atmosphere between us changes, charged with an electric, exhilarating anticipation. My breathing alters as my heart races. His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.

'Oh, fuck the paperwork,' he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a viselike grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his hips. ..... I'm helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. His erection is against my belly. Oh my . . . He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, wants me, and I want him, here . . . now, in the elevator.

'You. Are. So. Sweet,' he murmurs, each word a staccato." -- does anyone talk like this????

"I glance up at him. He looks so cool and calm, like he's been doing the Seattle Times crossword. How unfair. Is he totally unaffected by my presence? He glances at me out of the corner of his eyes, and he gently blows out a deep breath. Oh, he's affected all right - and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba." 

Ohhhhkay, Ana.