Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 16

We rejoin Ana and Christian in the moments just after Ana's incredibly poetic orgasm.

"Slowly the outside world invades my senses, and oh my, what an invasion. I am floating, my limbs soft and languid, utterly spent. I'm lying on top of him, my head on his chest, and he smells divine: freshly laundered linen and some expensive body wash and the best, most seductive scent on the planet . . . Christian. I don't want to move, I want to breathe this elixir for eternity."

She places her hand on his chest, despite knowing how he feels about that kind of contact, and is then surprised when he removes it and asks her to not touch him. Again. Finally, she's had enough and wants answers.

"'Why don't you like to be touched?' I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.

'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.'" -- YOU DID ITTTTTT

Are you, Christian? Are you FIFTY SHADES of fucked up? (it should be noted that from here on out, Ana refers to Christian as 'my fifty shades' or sometimes just 'fifty'. Like the rapper. I'm sorry.)

This seems to please Ana, who drops the subject immediately and just stares at Christian.

"'If you imagine for one minute that I think you ceded control to me, well you haven't taken into account my GPA.' I smile shyly at him. 'But thank you for the illusion.'

'Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.' he boasts, playful again. 

I flush and blink at the same time, as he stares down at me." -- Your GPA has literally nothing to do with anything and quite frankly I don't believe it's anywhere near what ELJ decided it was since your research skills and general inability to navigate life leave so much to be desired. Also, the amount of orgasms she's had has nothing to do with her being more than just a pretty face, so, as usual, I'm left confused. And a little bit sad that I can't find a blushing AND blinking Buzz Lightyear gif.

This will just have to suffice.

It turns out that the reason she's blushing and blinking all at once is that she never told Christian about that time like 2 chapters ago that she had the sex dream about him. Remember? When she was surprised that she could dream sex? Naturally, once she tells him the dream happened, he wants to know what it was about. Unfortunately, this is Anastasia Steele we're dealing with - the girl who, despite having a lot of sex recently, can't communicate about it without behaving like she's in primary school. Christian stands up from the bed and starts getting dressed. 

"I don't want him to go. What can I do?

'When is your period due?' He interrupts my thoughts.

What?

'I hate wearing these things,' he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on the floor and slips on his jeans.

'Well?' he prompts when I don't reply, and he looks at me expectantly as if he's waiting for my opinion on the weather. Holy crap . . . this is personal stuff." -- jesus fucking christ you're fucking sleeping with him. your period is now relevant to his life and if you want to be so much more, you're going to need to suck it the fuck up. he's aware that you're a woman and therefore you get your period - he's more knowledgeable about your basic anatomy than you are. and honestly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that he clearly has little enough respect for you that he just throws a used condom on your floor instead of seeking out the bin. 

They talk for a bit about getting Ana on birth control and signing the ever elusive contract. Christian wants to do a scene with her, but won't until she's signed because then he'll know she's ready - he can tell a lot from someone's signature. She suggests that she could just drag out their relationship by not signing, and some creepy 'playful' banter ensues. There's talk of potential kidnapping, holding her against her will, you know. The usual. Then, Ana rolls her eyes at him and it just gets worse.

"'What did I say I'd do to you if you rolled your eyes at me again?'

Shit. He sits down on the edge of the bed.

'Come here,' he says softly.

I blanch. Jeez . . . he's serious. I sit staring at him, completely immobile.

'I haven't signed,' I whisper.

'I told you what I'd do. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you, and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we'll need that condom after all.'

His voice is so soft, menacing, and it's damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it; our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and then that's it? Because I know it will be over if I say no." -- I'm sorry this is so long but SERIOUSLY???? first of all, she's right - she hasn't signed anything. my issue isn't with the fact that she hasn't signed, or that she's afraid, or even that ELJ basically said her insides had liquefied. she's literally only doing this because she doesn't want their 'relationship' to end. they've been together for MAYBE 2 weeks at this point. she's actually considering running away from him, but she guilts herself into staying because he's her first boyfriend (except not). ugh.

"'Aargh!' I cry out on the tenth slap - and I'm unaware that I have been mentally counting the blows. 

'I'm just getting warmed up.'

He hits me again, then he strokes me softly. The combination of the hard stinging blow and his gentle caress is so mind-numbing. He hits me again . . . this is getting harder to take. My face hurts, it's screwed up so tight. He strokes me gently and then the blow comes. I cry out again.

'No one to hear you, baby, just me.'

And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. But I don't. I don't want to give him the satisfaction." -- I am so angry. Not only because Christian implying that there's no one to hear her is first horribly creepy, but also because it's inaccurate. And I'm not being pedantic here. He's telling her there's no one to come save her. No one can hear her, right? So she's stuck. Even if she says no. Even if she screams no. He's basically just said 'you might as well just take it because there's nothing that's going to make me stop.' 

So after completely debasing and humiliating Ana (and then fucking her again), Christian asks if she's okay. 

"I think about his question. My backside is sore. Well, glowing now, and amazingly I feel, apart from exhausted, radiant. The realization is humbling, unexpected. I don't understand.

'I'm okay,' I whisper. I don't want to say more than that." -- at this point, Christian gets off her bed and gets dressed to leave. if he knew anything at all, he'd know that whispering a response like that is questionable at best, and he really should have stayed. but he doesn't.

When Christian comes back to Ana's room after using the bathroom, she can't look at him. He says he's leaving and she tells him she'll walk him out, still not meeting his eyes. At her front door, he tells her to look at him and he's staring back at her in awe because "'You didn't cry.'" He leaves, and Ana heads back inside. 

"I close the door and stand helpless in the living room of an apartment that I shall only spend another two nights in. A place I have lived happily for almost four years . . . yet today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own company. Have I strayed so far from who I am? I know that lurking, not very far under my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can't even sit down and enjoy a good cry. I'll have to stand." -- yeah, she sounds fine.

Sure, Sam. Suuuure.

She decides to call her mom, who knows immediately that something is wrong. When Ana tells her it's about a guy, her mother naturally assumes she's been beaten, which, let's face it, isn't that far off. Ana assures her that no, really, everything is fine, she just wants more from their relationship than he does. Her mom tells her that men are a different species and that she wishes she could help.

"Christian is definitely a different species . . . different planet." -- I dream of a world where people can be planets and not be criticised for it.

While she's on the phone, Kate comes home and sees she's been crying. Hanging up, Ana turns to face her. For once, Kate has sound advice along the lines of 'if this guy is being a cunt, leave him,' but Ana is having none of that. She changes the subject to see how Kate's day was, downs a few glasses of wine, and goes to bed. Before she falls asleep, she checks her email and finds one from Christian. It's more complimentary than we'd expect from Mr. Grey, opening with how exquisite and witty (????) Ana is, but the veil is quickly lifted when he continues "Take some Advil - this is not a request. And don't drive your Beetle again. I will know." So at this point, I think it's safe to assume that Christian either has Ana under pretty constant surveillance, or he's attached some kind of tracking device to her car. Both of which are fairly creepy. 

Some email banter goes back and forth, Ana telling Christian she'll need to drive the car so she can sell it somewhere, Christian responding that Taylor is going to do that because the car is dangerous, Ana countering that she doesn't want Taylor to do that and that she thinks it's interesting that Christian would rather his long time and valued employee drive the car instead of "some woman you fuck occasionally"... it's riveting stuff. He doesn't like that she called herself that and says it makes him MAD (ELJ's shouty capitals, not mine) and that Ana won't like him when he's angry. She says she doesn't really like him at the moment anyway. He wants to know why. It's because he never stays with her. 

Sorry for all the exposition. Have a cute puppy gif to feel better.

Ana shuts down the computer and reflects upon the day.

"And then this evening, he actually hit me. I've never been hit in my life. What have I gotten myself into? ...... Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn't want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings . . . and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open . . . and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow." -- for anyone wondering, 'sluice' is derived from a Dutch word (and one that Ana would never ever know), meaning 'a water channel controlled at its head by a gate'. also, you've known this asshole for like 2 weeks. stop crying over him and move the fuck on. it isn't your job to fix him and as much as it pains me to say it, you deserve better.

In the midst of wallowing in her sorrow, Ana's angst is interrupted by Kate shouting from the living room. Suddenly, Christian bursts into Ana's room and turns on her light. He turns it off quickly because it almost blinds her and he sits on her bed. Kate follows him in and asks Ana if she'd like her to 'throw this asshole out' (yes, Kate. please.), but Ana says no. Christian implores Ana to talk to him because if he'd known she was so miserable, he'd never have left. Which I'm pretty sure is bullshit, but okay.

"'I take it when you said you were okay, you weren't.'

I flush. 'I thought I was fine.'

'Anastasia, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest,' he admonishes me. 'How can I trust anything you've said to me?'" -- the phrase 'I thought I was fine' is not her admitting that she was just telling you what you wanted to hear. she thought she was fine. and it just turned out that she wasn't. it happens. stop being horrible and trying to make her feel guilty for having emotions.

The conversation continues and Christian finally opens up to Ana a little bit about why he'd so desperately like to beat her senseless. It's a touching moment, really. 

"'I like the control it gives me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've wanted to spank you since you asked me if I was gay.'

I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine Kavanagh is responsible for all this, and if she'd gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she'd be sitting here with the sore ass." -- no she fucking would not. there is no way in hell Kate would ever let Christian or any other man blatantly abuse her in the name of his own sexual pleasure. you're on your own there, Ana.

Ana is concerned that Christian wanting to beat her into a new personality means he wants to change her, but that's absolutely not what he's trying to do at all how could she even think that??? He doesn't want to change her - he just wants her to obey everything he says and cease to be a person of independent thought. Why is that so hard for her to accept??

Christian asks Ana how she felt during and after she was spanked and she says she was confused. He disagrees.

"'You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia.' He closes his eyes briefly, and when he reopens them and gazes at me, they are blazing." -- I've already covered why you don't get to tell another person what they're sexually aroused by because bodies are bizarre things, but in case we've forgotten, allow me to refresh your memory.

Ana is having a difficult time expressing the way she feels, and Christian sarcastically tells her to write him an email (because she's more eloquent in print. it's funny. get it?). He decides to stay the night, though Ana isn't sure if it's because he wants to or if he knows she wants him to and its important to her that he stays because he wants to. 

"Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of BlackBerry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets." -- this has nothing to do with the story, I just thought it was interesting that Christian keeps his money separate from his wallet. And also that Ana is 22 years old and hasn't figured out that men's giant pockets are the reason they don't carry purses.

He tells her to turn the light off because it's late and they both have to get up in the morning. She notes that he's still super bossy but decides she can't complain because he's decided to sleep with her, and also considers that maybe she should weep more often in front of him because he'll give her what she wants. Honestly, I don't know who's more manipulative here. Christian pulls her close to him, and the two of them fall into what I assume is a peaceful and non-abusive slumber.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 15

Sorry for the month-long hiatus. Turns out grad school actually requires some effort. I'm out of class until mid-January though, so hopefully we can get back to your regularly scheduled programming... at least for a while. It saddens me greatly that I've not made as much progress in this book as I thought I had (according to my Nook, I'm 51.1% of the way through), but we must trudge on.

When we last saw Ana, she had just finished reading an email from Christian telling her that he would be with her shortly to discuss the soft limits of his "contract". He appears, clad in jeans, a tshirt, and a leather jacket, and Ana loses herself for a moment.
"'Hi,' he says and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire the pretty. Oh my, he's hot in leather." -- admire.... the pretty. really? also, literally everyone is hot in leather. it's a fact. unless you're David Schwimmer, I guess.

He's brought champagne, which would be a nice gesture if it wasn't Christian, and Ana tells him they have to drink it out of teacups because they've packed everything else. 

"I head into the kitchen. Nervous, butterflies flooding my stomach, it's like having a panther or mountain lion all unpredictable and predatory in my living room." -- is it? are you sure?

Ana emerges from the kitchen with teacups (no saucers, you uncultured swine?) to find Christian looking at the note she left him on the Thomas Hardy novels she intends to give back. 

"'I bought these for you,' he says quietly, his gaze impassive. 'I'll go easier on you if you accept them.'

I swallow convulsively." -- what does that look like, exactly?

They go back and forth for far too long about what Ana is going to do with these books. Christian won't take them back, Ana doesn't want them, Christian wants her to want them because he wants her to want to please him and her wanting them would somehow do that, Ana suggests donating them to a charity in Darfur because THAT'S what they need, and finally, Christian - tired of wanting Anna to want to please him and Anna not wanting to not please him but also not wanting the books - tells her to stop thinking about it.

"'Don't think, Anastasia. Not about this.' His tone is quiet and serious.

How can I not think? You can pretend to be a car, like his other possessions. My subconscious makes an unwelcome vitriolic return. I ignore her." -- I see what you're going for here, but you've either just suggested that all of Christian's possessions are cars, or that all of his possessions pretend to be cars. I'm not an expert but I don't think either of these statements is correct.

After some coaxing (and being called a 'ho' by her own subconscious), we get to the root of the problem: accepting lavish gifts from Christian in exchange for sex makes her feel cheap. Personally, I think it's obvious that she's insanely expensive, but I'll let her have this one. Christian pours each of them a glass of champagne and they go to the couch to discuss the soft limits - but not before Ana downs her glass and he gives her more champagne.

"Christian rises gracefully and collects the bottle. He fills my cup. Is he getting me tipsy? I eye him suspiciously." -- we're all eyeing him suspiciously, Ana.

They talk about a lot of things that aren't the soft limits, and Ana gets more and more impatient. After some irrational anger at her not telling him she has interviews for publishing houses in Seattle, Christian decides that they can finally move on to the reason he's here. But first, more champagne. 

"'Drink up, let's talk about these limits.'..... I drain my cup.

He glances quickly at me.

'More?'

'Please.'

He smiles that oh-so-smug private smile of his, holds the champagne bottle up, and pauses.

'Have you eaten anything?'

Oh no . . . not this old chestnut. (do people really talk like this?)

'Yes. I had a three-course meal with Ray.' I roll my eyes at him. The champagne is making me bold.

...........

He fills my cup and I drink practically all of it."

So. The soft limits they're discussing include:

- Masturbation

- Cunnilingus

- Fellatio

- Swallowing Semen (why did ELJ capitalise this?)

- Vaginal intercourse

- Vaginal fisting

- Anal intercourse

- Anal fisting (except fisting of any kind is off the table.)

Christian asks if there's anything else on the list Ana objects to, and it turns out there is.

"'Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat.'

'I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we'll wait for that.'"

Christian divulges that he has had anal intercourse, and that it was with Mrs. Robinson. Ana is extremely confused by this ("Holy shit . . . how?"), having never heard of strap-ons, dildos, or sex toys in general. 

"He moves on down the list.

'And . . . swallowing semen. Well you get an A in that.'

I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together, glowing with pride." -- may I refer you to the above gif.

He refills her glass of champagne again, and moves on to sex toys. The list is as follows:

- Vibrators

- Butt plugs

- Dildos

- Other vaginal/anal toys (for a 'contract' this is harmfully vague language.)

Ana, ever eager to show how much research she hasn't done, has a question.

"'Butt plug? Does it do what it says on the box?' I scrunch up my nose in distaste." -- honestly how thick are you.

She gets offended that Christian thinks it's funny she felt the need to ask such specific questions, and then they move on to bondage. It consists of 2 lists:

"Does the Submissive consent to:

- Bondage with rope

- Bondage with leather cuffs

- Bondage with handcuffs/shackles/manacles

- Bondage with tape

- Bondage with other

Does the Submissive consent to be restrained with:

- Hands bound in front

- Ankles bound

- Elbows bound

- Hands bound behind back

- Knees bound

- Wrists bound to ankles

- Binding with spreadbar

- Binding to fixed items, furniture, etc.

- Suspension"  

Somehow, Ana gets distracted from the list at hand and moves on to her own concerns.

"'Okay . . . Well, gagging me. I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to breathe.'" -- not on the list, but fine. also, do you regularly breathe only through your mouth? 

Christian explains that she'll definitely be able to breathe, but that doesn't quite put an end to Ana's fears. What if she needs to safe word and can't speak? Sure, she could just punch him, but Christian explains they'll use hand signals. Still though, Ana is dubious.

"I blink up at him. But if I'm trussed up, how's that going to work? My brain is beginning to fog . . . hmm, alcohol." -- this is bad.

Ana makes the observation that Christian ties his submissives because he doesn't want them touching him. The topic makes him uncomfortable, so he moves on the only way he knows how.

"'You don't like talking about that,' I murmur.

'No, I don't. Would you like another drink? It's making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain.'" -- obviously he refills her glass, but really.... decisions about pain should be made when the person is sober. things hurt a lot less when you're drunk.

He breaks out the punishment list. Ana's subconscious "runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch." Because this is a healthy, trusting relationship.

- Spanking

- Whipping

- Biting

- Genital clamps

- Hot wax

- Paddling

- Caning

- Nipple clamps

- Ice

- Other types/methods of pain

Prior to this meeting, Ana had taken genital clamps off the table, though Christian informs her that it's caning that hurts the most. But don't worry - we'll work up to that. He tells her there's one more thing he wants to talk about and then he's taking her to bed.

"'Bed?' I blink rapidly, and my blood pounds through my body, warming places I didn't know existed until very recently." -- public education has failed no one as hard as it has failed Anastasia Steele.

Christian takes Ana into her room and begins to undress her, in the creepiest way possible.

"He places his index finger at the nape of my neck and achingly slowly drags it down my spine, his fingernail grazing my skin.

'I like this dress,' he murmurs. 'I like to see your flawless skin.'" -- yeah, baby. and maybe later, I'll wear it like a coat.

He pulls her closer to him and starts kissing her shoulders.

"He is so tantalizingly good at this. My body resonates, and I start to squirm languidly beneath his touch.

'You. Are. Going. To. Have. To. Learn. To. Keep. Still.'" -- No. One. Talks. Like. This. 

"He tugs at the fastening at the halter neck, and the dress drops and pools at my feet.

'No bra, Miss Steele. I like that.'" -- COULD YOU NOT TELL THAT BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE STARING AT HER NAKED BACK?

He tells her to turn around to face him, and she does.

"I obey immediately, and my breasts rise and push into his hands, my nipples hardening further. My fingers weave into his hair, and very gently I tug his soft, sexy hair."

Amid all the languid squirming, Christian informs Ana that because she displeased him (I have no idea how), he may not let her come at all. I'd like to point out that orgasm denial was not mentioned in his non-legally-binding list of things he can do to her.

"His hands move down to my sex, and from behind, he slowly inserts his finger.

'Oh yes. My sweet girl is ready,' he breathes as he whirls me around so I'm facing him. His breathing has quickened. He puts his finger in his mouth. 'You taste so fine, Miss Steele.' He sighs.

Holy shit. His finger tastes salty . . . from me." -- actually, I believe the adjective he used there was 'fine', not 'salty.' But okay. Ana is omniscient now. We all should have seen that coming.

Christian tells her to undress him and that she's in charge, and she's stunned. She's never undressed a man before and the task is daunting. I mean, their jeans button on the opposite side! And what about his shirt? Are you just supposed to cut it off? I thought most men just rip their shirts to shreds to remove them. She pushes him on to the bed, because everyone knows it's easier to take clothes off when the person is laying on them, and straddles him. Because it's also easier when you're sitting on the clothing. She fumbles with the buttons on his jeans, and he tells her to get the condom out of his pocket. 

"I search in his pocket slowly, watching his face as I feel around. (how big are these pockets??) His mouth is open. I fish out both foil packets that I find and lay them on the bed by his hips. Two!" 

She goes to remove his jeans and realises she has a problem.

"I tug down the zipper, and now I'm faced with the problem of removing his pants . . . hmm. I shuffle down and pull. They hardly move. I frown. How can this be so difficult?

'I can't keep still if you're going to bite that lip,' he warns, then arches his pelvis up off the bed so I'm able to tug down his trousers and his boxers at the same time, whoa . . . freeing him. He kicks his clothes to the floor.

Holy Moses, he's all mine to play with, and suddenly it's Christmas." -- Happy Holidays, everyone!

Christmas only lasts for a little while, however, as soon, Christian needs to walk her through how to put on a condom. Seriously, they have sex ed in Washington. What the hell? He's decide that she's going to fuck him (I thought she was in charge?), but she's never been on top before, so this is another thing he walks her through. 

"'Here, put this on.' He hands me the foil packet.

Holy crap. How? I rip the packet open, and the rubbery condom is all tacky in my fingers.

'Pinch the top and then roll it down. You don't want any air in the end of that sucker.'" -- sexy.

"I am fucking him. I am in charge. He's mine, and I'm his. The thought pushes me, weighted with concrete, over the edge, and I climax around him . . . shouting incoherently. He grabs my hips, and closing his eyes, tipping his head back, his jaw strained, he comes quietly. I collapse on to his chest, overwhelmed, somewhere between fantasy and reality, a place where there are no hard or soft limits."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

When we left Ana, she had been moved to tears by Christian's not-so-subtle "you're a commodity" email. Distressed and staring into the darkness, I assume she fell asleep at some point. We enter chapter 14 with Ana in the throes of her first erotic dream. Ever. At 21 years old. The first.

She's dreaming that Christian is teasing her with a leather riding crop, and she's panting. A lot.
"Reaching forward, he trails the tip of the crop from my forehead down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted, panting lips. He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather. 
'Suck,' he commands his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey. 
'Enough,' he snaps.
I'm panting once more as he tugs the crop out of my mouth, trails it down and under my chin, on down my neck to the hollow at the base of my throat. He swirls it slowly there and then continues to drag the tip down my body, along my sternum, between my breasts, over my torso down to my navel. I'm panting, squirming, pulling against my restraints that are biting into my wrists and ankles." -- 139 is not enough words to write 'panting' three times and have it go unnoticed.

Thankfully, the dream is soon over (because Ana is a rare snowflake who can just have an orgasm at the drop of a hat), and Ana has no idea what's happening.
"Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm. Holy hell. I'm completely disoriented. What the hell just happened? I'm in my bedroom alone. How? Why? I sit bolt upright, shocked . . . wow. It's morning. I glance at my alarm clock - eight o'clock. I put my head in my hands. I didn't know I could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research manifesting itself in my first wet dream." -- yeah, Ana. that's it. oysters you ate 12 hours ago are giving you sleep orgasms. if that were the case, everyone would eat oysters all the time.

Grudgingly (I assume), Ana gets out of bed to find Kate prancing around the kitchen. Obviously, the second she sees Ana, she launches into her infamous Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition - honestly, how dare she ask how her best friend's date went? The nerve.
"What can I say? His HIV status is clear, he's heavily into role-play, wants me to obey his every command, he hurt someone he tied to his bedroom ceiling, and he wanted to fuck me in the private dining room. Would that be a good summary?" -- probably not.

She asks Kate if she'd like some tea and offers to listen to her speech for the graduation ceremony later. Kate runs off to get her laptop and leaves Ana to contemplate Christian's indecent proposal.
"I am so confused. Christian's idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It's not how I envisaged my first romance - but, of course, Christian doesn't do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no . . . and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive - deep down, it's the canes and whips that put me off. I'm a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream . . . is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me."

We jump forward for no real reason, and suddenly Ray (Ana's stepdad) is at Ana's place to take her to her graduation. Kate has left already, because she's giving the valedictorian speech and has to be there early. Ana throws her arms around him in what she describes as "an uncharacteristic display of affection," and Ray is immediately concerned. Ana asks how everyone in Montesano is getting along, but we never get an answer because now we're on campus and Ray is parking his car. We're then whisked away to the auditorium, and Ana is nervous.

"There is no one on the stage yet, but I can't seem to steady my nerves. My heart is pounding, and my breathing is shallow. He's here, somewhere. I wonder if Kate is talking to him, interrogating him maybe. I make my way to my seat amongst fellow students whose surnames also begin with S. I am in the second row, affording me yet more anonymity." -- ELJ has clearly never been to an American college graduation. there's no fucking way Ana is in the second row if she's sitting with the rest of the Ss. And I would know. I AM AN S. the only way she's up there is if she's in the top 10% of her class. which she probably is, but that's not stated, is it? these are details that matter, woman.

As the ceremony commences, Ana sees that Christian has chosen to wear that tie, obviously on purpose. She tries as hard as she can to sink into the floor, but Christian's eyes find her nonetheless. 

"I squirm uncomfortably, hypnotized by his glare as I feel a slow flush spread across my face. Unbidden, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing." -- the delectable clench thing. someday, Ana will learn to recognize that she's sexually aroused, and how to articulate it like an adult. 

The ceremony continues, Kate giving a rousing speech about "What Next After College?" (no, I'm not kidding), and Christian speaking to the auditorium about his mission to feed the world. It's all very exciting. During Christian's speech, he mentions that he knows what it's like to be profoundly hungry, and Ana is shocked. Her shock distracts her for the remainder of Christian's speech. What a great girlfriend.

"I'm seized by a sense of raw outrage. Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian..." -- what an interesting list of adjectives. 

Ana's name is called to collect her degree (btw, ELJ - you don't actually get your degree at the graduation ceremony, but whatever), and Christian asks if she's been having a problem with her laptop. She hasn't so he thinks she's ignoring his emails. Ana is confused. 

"I go back to my seat. E-mails? He must have sent another. What did it say?

The ceremony takes another hour to conclude. It's interminable. Finally, the Chancellor leads the faculty members off the stage to yet more rousing applause, preceded by Christian and Kate. Christian does not glance at me, even though I'm willing him to do it. My inner goddess is not pleased."

Once everyone has filed out of the auditorium, Kate scurries into the lobby to find Ana and tells her that Christian really needs to talk to her. She's surprised and worried, but follows her to the back. 

"'Thank you,' he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men's locker room. He checks to see if it's empty, and then he locks the door.

Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me."

He explains to Ana that he's angry that she hasn't responded to any of his emails or texts (it's not like she was busy getting ready for what I assume is the most monumental occasion of her young life or anything) because she drove home in "that deathtrap," and he's basically been worried that she'd died. 

"'Because you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.'

'What? It's not a deathtrap. It's fine. Jose regularly services it for me.' 

'Jose, the photographer?' Christian's eyes narrow, his face frosting. Oh crap." -- for a wealthy, gorgeous, can-have-any-woman-he-wants guy, Christian is remarkably insecure about an almost-rapist that Ana doesn't even like.

"He takes a deep breath.

'Anastasia, I need an answer from you. This waiting around is driving me crazy.'

'Christian, I . . . look, I've left my stepdad on his own.'

'Tomorrow. I wan't an answer by tomorrow.'

'Okay. Tomorrow, I'll tell you then.' I blink at him." -- the beauty of this conversation really lies in the fact that he never actually has her sign his elusive contract. also:

Christian asks if Ana is staying for drinks and mentions that he'd like to meet her stepdad. She's concerned, obviously, about introducing the two of them, and poor, fragile, insecure Christian seems to think it's because she's embarrassed of him.

"'No!' It's my turn to sound exasperated. 'Introduce you to my dad as what? "This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship/" You're not wearing running shoes.'" -- I mean, you could choose to introduce him like this. maybe your dad is carrying and we could just end the series two and a half books early. no? fine.

Ana goes out and finds Ray. She asks if he'd like to get drinks, all the while hoping he'll say no. Obviously he says yes (honestly, who can sit through a graduation and not need booze afterwards?), so they make their way to the reception room.

"'Can I take my cap and gown off now? I feel kind of dorky.' 

You look kinda dorky . . . my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you're fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles. He'd be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes."

So Ana and her dad go get drinks and as Ana is about to introduce Christian as her friend, Kate jumps in and calls him her boyfriend. Ana is furious because I don't really know why, so she follows Kate when she leaves to go reprimand her. When she comes back, her dad and Christian are having a fairly pleasant conversation and Ray asks her where the bathroom is. 

"Ray heads out. I glance nervously up at Christian. We pause briefly as a photographer takes a picture of both of us.

'Thank you, Mr. Grey.' The photographer scurries off. I blink from the flash."

Not that this is the time or the place, but Ana decides that they need to discuss their relationship. She wants more than just amazing sex, and Christian had better be willing to give that to her or.... actually, she'd just stay for the amazing sex, but that's not the point.

"'But I want more,' I whisper.

'More?' he looks down at me puzzled, his eyes darkening. I nod and swallow. Now he knows.

'More,' he says again, softly. Testing the word - a small, simple word, but so full of promise. His thumb traces my lower lip. 'You want hearts and flowers.'

I nod again. He blinks down at me, and I watch his internal struggle played out in his eyes." 

This is really getting out of hand. 

You never really notice how much characters blink until you decide to make a conscious effort to comment on it every time. 

Christian tells her - again - that hearts and flowers aren't his deal. Also, what are we, 6? I haven't described romance as "hearts and flowers" ever, but anyone who has hasn't done so since primary school. Cut it out.

"'Try it,' he whispers. A challenge, daring me, and he cocks his head to one side and smiles his crooked, dazzling smile.

I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist." -- I hate you.

Ray returns from the bathroom and Ana suddenly realizes what she's done.

"Holy shit, I've just agreed to be his sub. Christian smiles at Ray and his eyes are dancing with joy. 

'Annie, should we get some lunch?'

'Okay.' I blink up at Ray (GODFUCKINGDAMMIT), trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? my subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast." -- how many fucking people do you have in there???

After what I'm presuming was lunch, Ray drops Ana off at home. She gets very emotional as he leaves because he's approved of Christian and she's worried that he'll murder her or something, and the whole situation is very overwhelming. She checks her email and there's one from Christian saying he's happy to discuss the soft limits any time, to which she replies that she's free that evening and can come over that evening. He's really adamant about her not driving her car though, so he decides to come to her.

"Holy crap . . . he's coming over now. I have to get one thing ready for him - the first edition Thomas Hardy books are still on the shelves in the living room. I cannot keep them. I wrap them in brown paper, and I scrawl on the wrapping a direct quote from Tess from the book:

'I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only - only - don't make it more than I can bear!'" 

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

It's the next day, and Ana has been very distracted at work and decides to call her mother.
"... at the back of my mind, I'm worried that perhaps I've been too negative in my response to the contract. perhaps he'll call the whole thing off.
My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament, which means he's hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he's as accident-prone as I am. He's expected to make a full recovery, but it means he's resting up, and my mother has to wait on him and and sore foot." -- you're kidding, right? first, if anything, you haven't been negative enough about this contract. second, if Bob twisted a ligament, there is absolutely no reason your mother shouldn't be able to make your graduation. the fuck do you think they make crutches for? unless he's broken his neck, Bob can take care of himself for two days. I call bullshit.

Somehow, Mom knows exactly what's going on with Ana without her having to say a word.
"'Ana, you sound distracted - are you okay, baby?'
'Yes, Mom,' Oh, if only you knew. There's an obscenely rich guy I've met and he wants some kind of strange kinky sexual relationship, in which I don't get a say in things." -- the longer you keep fucking him, the less valid your whining becomes. you're an adult. either keep fucking him, knowing full well what he wants, or get the fuck out.

Ana hangs up with her mom and finds that she's wandered into her room. She's like a character in the Sims, just walking around for no reason whatsoever.
"Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the e-mail program." -- I hate you.

There's an email from Christian, responding to Ana's issues with the contract. As justification, he offers up the definition of "submissive" because that obviously should take care of everything. They argue for a few emails about whether or not Ana is allowed to drive her car to Christian's hotel and Ana finally wins.

"He's even grumpy by e-mail. Doesn't he understand that I may need to make a quick getaway? Not that my Beetle is quick . . . but still - I need a means of escape." -- if this is what's crossing your mind before having dinner with a man, probably you should just stay home.

The next day at work, Ana's coworker won't leave her alone.

"Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York to start an internship with a financing company. He follows me around the store all day asking me for a date. It's annoying.

'Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.'

'No, you don't, you're just saying that to avoid me. You're always avoiding me.'

.......

'Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss's brother.'

'You're finishing here on Friday. You're not working tomorrow.'

'And I'll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you'll be in New York soon. We couldn't get much farther apart if we tried.'" -- are you sure? are you reeeeeally sure? you're graduating from college this week and you think New York is as far away from Seattle as a person can get? also, how is it possible that someone as horribly vapid as you has so many men beating down her door?

Paul continues to press Ana for information on her date, and she gets more and more annoyed.

"'Who then?'

'Paul . . . oh.' My sigh is exasperated. he's not going to let this go. 'Christian Grey.' I cannot help the annoyance in my voice. But it does the trick. Paul's mouth falls open, and he gapes at me, struck dumb. Humph - even his name renders people speechless.

'You have a date with Christian Grey?' he says finally, once he's over the shock. Disbelief is evident in his voice.

'Yes.'

'I see.' Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part of me resents that he should find this a surprise. My inner goddess does, too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers." -- we're all shocked, Ana. literally no one has any idea how you landed this guy. 

Later that night, Ana is getting ready for her meeting with Christian.

"I shower, shave my legs and underarms, wash my hair, and then spend a good half hour drying it so that it falls in soft waves to my breasts and down my back. I slip a comb in to keep one side off my face and apply mascara and some lip gloss. I rarely wear makeup - it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with makeup - maybe I'd know more about it if they had." -- DO YOU GO OUTSIDE 

Ana arrives at the bar, and after garnering a chiding look from the valet for forcing him to park a beat up Volkswagen, enters. She sees Christian leaning against the bar and manages to make it over to him without stumbling through the lobby. They sit, Christian orders her wine, and the conversation begins.

"'Are you nervous?' he asks softly.

'Yes.'

He leans forward.

'Me, too,' he whispers conspiratorially. My eyes shoot up to meet his. Him? Nervous? Never. I blink, and he smiles his adorable lopsided smile at me."

IT LIVES

"The waiter arrives with my wine, a small dish of mixed nuts, and another of olives.

'So, how are we going to do this?' I ask. 'Run through my points one by one?'

'Impatient as ever, Miss Steele.'

'Well, I could ask you what you thought of the weather today.'

He smiles, and his long fingers reach down to collect an olive. He pops it in his mouth, and my eyes linger on his mouth, that mouth, that's been on me . . . all parts of me. I flush." -- god this is gross.

They continue talking, though Ana keeps getting distracted. Christian pulls out a printed version of her email, and starts from the beginning.

"He fishes into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. My e-mail.

'Clause 2. Agreed. This is for the benefit of us both. I shall redraft.'

I blink at him. Holy shit . . . we are going to go through each of these points one at a time."

He moves on to her issues on the sexual health clauses (why isn't he also required to prove to her that he's disease free and all that), and she is, once again, overcome by her own eyelashes.

"'All my recent tests are clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I'm vehemently antidrug. I have a strict no-tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all my employees, and I insist on random drug testing.'

Wow . . . control freakery gone mad. I blink at him, shocked."

She informs him that the contract is legally unenforceable, and he's confused as to why she'd ever think it was.

"'Anastasia, it doesn't matter if it's legal or not.'" -- uhhh, I'm gonna go ahead and say yes, it fucking does.

Christian asks if she's eaten today (of course not), and tells her that they can either eat in the bar or in his private suite. He asks her what she'd prefer to do, and when she says they should stay in public, he decides to move them into the private dining room. Because it's way more fun to give her the illusion of choice. They sit, oysters are brought out, and they begin discussing Ana's issues with the contract. She drinks more wine than she should and he tells her exactly what she wants to hear. At some point, conversation turns from the contract to how much Christian would like to fuck Ana over the table.

"'Christian. You just don't fight fair.'

'I know. I never have.'

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes - play this sex god at his own game. Can I? Okay. What to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it." -- RIP, asparagus.

Eventually, Ana musters up enough self-control to tell Christian she needs to leave. He tries to convince her to stay, but to no avail. He walks her outside and the valet brings her car around.

"'Will it make it to Seattle?'

'Yes. She will.'

'Safely?'

'Yes,' I snap, exasperated. 'Okay, she's old. But she's mine, and she's roadworthy. My stepdad bought it for me.'

'Oh, Anastasia, I think we can do better than this.'

'What do you mean?' Realization dawns. 'You are not buying me a car.'" -- spoiler alert: yes he is.

So, she climbs into her car, choking back tears (seriously), and drives off, lamenting about their relationship for four whole paragraphs. 

"But the thought of not seeing him again is agonizing. How has he gotten under my skin so quickly? It can't just be the sex . . . can it? I dash the tears from my eyes. I don't want to examine my feelings for him. I'm frightened what I'll uncover if I do. What am I going to do?

I park outside our duplex." -- WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE? LITERALLY ONE CHAPTER AGO, YOU WENT FOR A RUN AND: "I take a deep, cleansing breath, and then jog back to the apartment." AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS BULLSHIT HAS HAPPENED. YOU CAN'T SEEM TO DECIDE IF YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT SHARES A WALL WITH ANOTHER HOUSE OR IN A SMALL SPACE CONTAINED IN A LARGE BUILDING WITH A LOT OF OTHER SMALL SPACES. 

Just to clarify, in Chapter 2 of Grey, remember when Christian had that dude run the background check on her? Yeah. It says she lives in APARTMENT 7. Stop calling it a fucking duplex. 

Fuck you, ELJ. Preferably with that peeled ginger root from Grey.

Ana gets to whatever structure it is in which she lives, and is relieved to find that Kate is absent. She doesn't want to see her crying, again. She turns on the "mean machine" (this is the second time she's called it that and I still don't know why), and there's an email from Christian waiting for her. He's confused about why she ran off and he's imploring her to really consider the arrangement he's offering. Naturally, this makes her more upset.

"His e-mail makes me weep more. I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition. Reading this, I might as well be. I don't reply. I just don't know what to say to him.... As I lie staring into the darkness, I think of all the times he warned me to stay away. 

Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you.

I don't do the girlfriend thing.

I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.

I don't make love.

This is all I know.

And as I weep into my pillow silently, it's this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. Perhaps together we can chart a new course."

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

"For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweatpants, and a T-shirt. I put my hair in pigtails, blushing at the memories they bring back, and I plug in my iPod. I can't sit in front of that marvel of technology and look at or read any more disturbing material. I need to expend some of this excess, enervating energy. Quite frankly, I have a mind to run to the Heathman Hotel and just demand sex from the control freak. But that's five miles, and I don't think I'll be able to run one mile, let alone five, and, of course, he might turn me down, which would be beyond humiliation."

-- Okay, first of all, if your sneakers have never been used, how the fuck are they also nasty? do you just leave them outside all the time?  why did you buy sneakers if you were never going to use them? why have you just now decided to go running? there are other ways to clear your head. is it because Christian goes running? and while we're on the subject, who the fuck exercises in pigtails? and also, ewwww pigtails???? I know you weren't really there when he was thinking about how those things made you look but I remember because I blogged it.

I was also there when he decided to mail you a computer, and I can assure you, it's just a laptop. leave all of that "marvel of technology" bullshit for your grandparents, sweetie. you know what a computer is. in fact, get on that fucking thing and look up the word "enervating". because when you do, you'll find that it's a descriptive word, used to denote something that drains you of energy (ie, enervating heat). so it's super fucking hard to have "excess enervating energy" that is in need of expending. and why the fuck are there so many Es????? that entire sentence sounds like it came out of a toddler's alphabet book. which I'm sure Christian would love, given how he feels about your fucking pigtails. so maybe you should run the 5 miles and demand sex. he could use them as handlebars and achieve yet another one of his "firsts" because let's be honest - a guy who's asking you to sign over your everlasting permission for him to use your body as he pleases, and to fuck you whenever and wherever he wants, is certainly not going to fucking turn you down.

As Ana runs through the park, she considers what she's going to do about Christian.

"What am I going to do? I want him, but on his terms? I just don't know. Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn't. My research has told me that legally it's unenforceable. He must know that. I figure that it just sets up the parameters of the relationship. It illustrates what I can expect from him and what he expects from me - my total submission. Am I prepared to give him that? Am I even capable?" -- so let me get this straight. you were able to do enough research to discover that this contract is unenforceable, but not enough that you don't have to verbally ask what a butt plug does in 70 pages? really?

Ana goes back to her apartment and decides that the best way to deal with this enigmatic control freak is to send him a cryptic email. No way that could go wrong.

"'Okay, I've seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana'

I press "send," hugging myself, laughing at my little joke." -- hilarious, Ana. truly. your comedic genius knows no bounds. you are a true master.

Unfortunately, Christian doesn't think her joke is so funny, and soon he's at her apartment.

"I don't know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye (maybe? maybe? are you sure that's not exactly what happened?????), I don't know, but when I do, he's standing in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me intently. He's wearing his gray flannel pants and a white linen shirt, gently twirling his car keys. I pull my earbuds out and freeze. Fuck!

'Good evening, Anastasia.' His voice is cool, his expression completely guarded and unreadable." -- remember like 3 chapters ago when you thought it was the sunglasses that made him unreadable?

So Christian is in Ana's room, like the stalker he is, challenging her email to him. He sits on her bed, and when she offers him a drink, he cocks his head to one side like a confused puppy (or these guys) and declines.
"Leaning forward, he slowly undoes one of my pigtails, his fingers freeing my hair. My breathing is shallow and I cannot move. I watch hypnotized as his hand moves to my second pigtail, and pulling the hair tie, he loosens the braid with his long, skilled fingers." -- pigtails AND long fingers in the same sentence.

Soon after Christian gets rid of Ana's pigtails, he removes that tie from his pocket and proceeds to tie her up with it. I know this, because it's described once: "...he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard." And then I'm informed again. "I'm tied, literally, to my bed, and I'm so aroused."

After she's tied up and undressed, Christian blindfolds Ana with her own shirt.
"He places his long index finger over my mouth, a warning.
.....
'Mmm,' he breathes appreciatively. 'This just gets better and better. I'm going to get a drink.'
Leaning down, he kisses me, his lips tender against mine, and his weight shifts off the bed. I hear the quiet creak of the bedroom door. Get a drink. Where? Here? Portland? Seattle?
.....
He shuts the door and shuffles around removing his pants. They drop to the floor, and I know he's naked." -- yeah, Ana. he's going to leave you tied up while he fucking drives to Seattle for a fucking martini. and also, how the fuck are you narrating him getting undressed when you can't fucking see? CONTINUITY IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

Christian has come back with ice and wine, and proceeds to tease Ana to the brink of losing her mind, all the while asking "Is this nice?" "How nice is this?" "So it was nice knowing me, huh?" like he's just discovered a very exciting new word.
"'Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way? There's an endless choice,' he breathes against my lips." -- there's no diagram here, Christian. you're literally just thinking out loud and no one but you can see the various ways in which you might decide to fuck her. just make up your damn mind so this scene can be over.

Parks and Rec is killing it this time around

After still more sex, they talk a little bit about the contract. Ana brings up Elena (Mrs. Robinson), and comments that Christian has her to talk to about his lifestyle but Ana isn't allowed to talk to anyone. And, as we'd expect from Christian, he offers the shittiest of solutions.
"'I don't think I've ever thought about it like that. Mrs. Robinson was part of that lifestyle. I told you, she's a good friend now. If you'd like, I can introduce you to one of my former subs. You could talk to her.'
What? Is he deliberately trying to upset me?
'Is this your idea of a joke?'
'No, Anastasia.' He's bemused as he shakes his head.
'No - I'll do this on my own, thank you very much,' I snap at him, pulling the duvet up to my chin. 
He stares at me, at sea, surprised.
........
'Anastasia Steele - are you jealous?'
I flush, crimson.
'Are you staying?'
'I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow morning at the Heathman. Besides, I told you, I don't sleep with girlfriends, slaves, subs, or anyone.'" -- in what world can Christian think "hm yes I've been this girl's only sexual experience ever. definitely the people she wants to talk to aRE OTHER WOMEN I'VE FUCKED." He's too stupid to be this rich.

So Ana kicks him out, but still agrees to meet with him on Wednesday to discuss the contract. She's feeling used, in her words, "like a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim," which, to be fair, is exactly what she is. After Christian leaves, Ana has a teary heart-to-heart with Kate and decides to go to bed. Once in her room, she emails Christian with her list of issues and he responds asking why she's still awake.
"Sir,
If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.
Good night.
Ana" 

Christian responds:
"GO TO BED, ANASTASIA.
Christian Grey
CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

Oh . . . shouty capitals! I switch off. How can he intimidate me when he's six miles away? I shake my head. My heart still heavy, I climb into bed and fall instantly into a deep but troubled sleep." -- first of all, she said "good night," implying she was already going to go to bed, so fucking chill. second, you're fucking kidding, right? a well placed caps lock is all it takes to intimidate you? how are you even an adult?